Naruto Primer: Uchiha Itachi
You Offend Me
Itachi is evil.
No Gods of the Brow can explain why Itachi is so evil.
"I've thought it over!" Itachi said, slamming his hand down on the table. "No amount of slave work could pay back all the debts that Kiba and Naruto owe me! I'm going to go back and kill those two! And I'm going to kill that stupid OTHER person too just because he wasted my time and I didn't like the way he looked at me! It's almost as if he thought he was better than me. But he's not. I'm much better. So much better."
With that, Itachi donned his flowery cloak and went off to find the three he wanted to smite ever so pointlessly.
It just so happened that Kiba and Naruto were hanging around at the time. They've been doing a lot of hanging around lately just because they figured that there was safety in numbers just in case Itachi just so happened to appear out of nowhere like he had done so previously.
And then, Itachi appeared. "I've decided that I would rather have you two dead than be my slaves!" he announced.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" yelled Naruto and Kiba as they grabbed onto each other.
"Now, because I wish to make this as short and painless as possible for me, call your white-eyed friend so I may dispose of all three of you at once." Said Itachi.
"Oh, you mean Hinata?" said Naruto. "HINATA!!"
"Yes?" Hinata said, jumping out a bush since she had been, after all, spying on Naruto.
"…No…" said Itachi, looking Hinata up and down. "Not her. But I dislike how she was so readily available so I will have to kill her as well."
"What?" said Hinata.
"Now call that other white-eyed friend of yours!" Itachi commanded.
"You mean Neji?" asked Kiba. "He's not really our friend. He's kind of weird and does the Macarena."
"CALL HIM OR I SHALL KILL YOU!!" yelled Itachi.
"Aren't you going to kill us anyway?" asked Naruto.
"THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!!!" screamed Itachi.
"Fine…NEJI!!" yelled Kiba. "Wow, he's not coming. Just as I predicted."
Just then, Lee came running up. "I heard you call for Neji because I just so happen to be doing two hundred laps." He said. "We were running laps together and then he tripped on something and hit his head so he had to go and take a nap. So I told him that I would run his hundred laps for him so I'm running two hundred laps!!"
"I don't like the way you just came in and completely wasted my time by telling the entire story." Itachi said. "And I don't like your eyebrows either. So you shall die too!!"
"Who are you?" asked Lee.
"That's Sasuke's evil brother." Kiba said.
"My name is Itachi!!" yelled Itachi.
"Did somebody call me just now?" said Shikamaru as he walked around the corner.
Everyone stared at him.
"No, I said Itachi." Said Itachi.
"Oh." Said Shikamaru. "I thought you said…Shikamaru."
"Then I will kill YOU as well!!" said Itachi.
"Why?" said Shikamaru.
"BECAUSE I WANT TO!!!" Itachi yelled.
Just then, Tenten, Sakura and Ino came walking by talking about Sasuke. Then they turned around and looked at the huge group of people standing around, recognized all of them and then saw Sasuke's evil brother.
"WOW!" said Ino. "He looks just like Sasuke! Only older and hunkier!"
"Well…" said Itachi, clearing his throat and adjusting his collar. "What can I say? Very well, I shall spare you three."
"YAY!!" cheered the girls.
"Let's go find Sasuke and tell him that his evil brother is here!" said Sakura.
"Yeah!" said Tenten. "He'll be so happy!"
"What?!" demanded Itachi. "You can't tell Sasuke!! That's the last straw. I can't let you live now. Come over here so I can kill you as well."
"Aww…" said Sakura, Tenten and Ino sadly as they trudged over to where everyone else was standing waiting to be killed.
Just then, Shino came strolling by carrying a small, glass case and a magnifying glass. He was looking at the ground. He bent down, picked something up and then dropped it again. It was then that he looked up and noticed the enormous group of people standing there.
"Er…" he said. "Did I miss something?"
"What do you think you're doing?!" demanded Itachi.
"Collecting bugs…" said Shino.
"That's it!" said Itachi. "You officially offend me too! You will die along with all these other random people that I have decided to smite for petty reasons!"
"…Whatever." Said Shino as he continued looking for bugs.
"What exactly are we waiting for?" asked Shikamaru. "I mean, why is he just WAITING to kill us?"
"He's waiting for Neji to get here." Kiba answered. "His main intent was to kill me, Naruto and Neji."
"But Neji's sleeping." Said Lee.
"So as long as Neji doesn't RANDOMLY walk by this area, we're fine?" said Shikamaru.
"Yeah because for some reason, Sasuke's evil brother wants to just kill everyone at once so he doesn't have to…I don't know, do something twice." Explained Naruto.
All of a sudden, they heard footsteps.
Itachi got all ready and started pointing dramatically in the direction in which the footsteps were coming in.
"I bet that's Neji right there." Sighed Shikamaru. "How troublesome."
"I don't want to die!!" cried Sakura.
Around the corner came…
CHOUJI! HURRAY!!
"Hey guys!" said Chouji obliviously.
Itachi gave a heavy sigh and gestured for Chouji to come over to him. Chouji was ignorant to the situation so she shrugged and walked over. "Um… you aren't Neji." Itachi said.
"No, no I'm not." Chouji answered.
"Then why are you here?" Itachi asked.
"I'm going for a walk." Chouji replied.
"Wrong answer." Said Itachi. "I'm going to have to kill you too."
"Aw man, what would have been the right answer?" Chouji asked.
"Maybe…'I was on my way to get Neji right now'?" Itachi suggested.
"Oh but I was!" said Chouji. "I was going to Neji's house."
"NOW you're just lying to me." Said Itachi. "For that, you shall be the first to die."
The huge group of everyone except for Neji and Sasuke waited around in a very bored fashion for Neji to come walking up without a care in the world.
Suddenly, Akamaru started barking.
"Why is that dog barking?!" demanded Itachi.
"Cause someone's coming and he probably wants to warn that person before they accidentally offend you too." Kiba answered.
"SILENCE!!" yelled Itachi.
"It's not Neji, though, it's just Sasuke." Kiba said. "You want to kill him anyway, don't you?"
"SASUKE?!" gasped Itachi. "No! I couldn't possibly face him! It is far too embarrassing! Especially after I, you know, killed the whole clan and all. It's hard to face him after that. I'm not ready yet! You guys have to hide me! I'm too frazzled to get away on my own!"
"Come on, guys, we have to hide him!" said no one in particular as they all lined up and formed a human wall. Itachi crouched behind them just in time for when Sasuke came in to view.
He looked at the line suspiciously. "What are you guys hiding?" he asked.
"NOTHING!!" they all chimed.
"What are you guys hiding?" Sasuke repeated.
"NOTHING!!" everyone chimed again.
"I know you're hiding something." Sasuke said.
"WE'RE NOT!!" said everyone.
"Then what's behind you all?" Sasuke asked.
"BOO!!" yelled Lee.
"Just go!!" yelled everyone else.
"Fine…" said Sasuke, glaring at everyone. Then, under his breath, he added, "I'm better than you all anyway."
Everyone gave a sigh of relief once Sasuke was out of earshot.
Itachi stood up straight. "Hey guys, thanks a lot." He said pleasantly.
"Sure thing!" said everyone, giving him the thumbs up.
"Well, I've decided that since you all mutually decided to help me without any thought of reward, I will NOT kill any of you!" Itachi announced.
"REALLY?!" said everyone.
"Nope, I'm still killing you." Said Itachi.
"Aww…"
"Just kidding!" Itachi laughed.
"Oh good…"
"Actually, I am killing you."
"Which is it?!"
"I will kill you…EVENTUALLY. I'll come back some other time. As my reward to you, you can live for another amount of time until I feel it is good time for you all to die."
And that was the last Itachi said before he disappeared.
"Well that was weird." Said Naruto with a sigh.
Just then, Neji walked around the corner.
"Neji, I thought you suffered a mortal wound to your head!" said Lee.
"I just fell, Lee." Said Neji. "There was no need to rush me to bed."
"Well, it's a good thing you weren't there because you'll never believe what happened to us a few seconds ago!" said Lee.
"After today, I'll believe ANYTHING!" said Neji.
"You weren't even there." Said Kiba as if Neji's comment offended him. But not to the point in which he needed to kill him.
"I hate being left out of the loop." Neji sighed.