Naruto Primer: Suzume
Sexy Ninjas Unlimited
You probably don't remember who Suzume is.
I didn't.
Mainly, she's that teacher in the flashback that Sakura had about the times she had with Ino when they picked flowers and frolicked around doing pointless stuff while the male ninjas were training. She is the teacher of all the female ninjas in training. Like Iruka's female counterpart.
During her off time, you probably didn't know, she also runs a magazine. It's called 'Sexy Ninjas Unlimited'. It's not dirty or anything, it just focuses on the sexy male ninjas of the village. Kakashi used to be the centerfold, then it was Itachi but pictures of him became scarce. Iruka even made a few appearances. Sadly, Gai has never shown up, not once, though he wants to ever so much. He might some day. Might not.
But now it was time to get some fresh, new blood. Sexy Ninjas Unlimited needed some mascots, a few sexy ninjas that everyone would just associate with Sexy Ninjas Unlimited.
It was time to go ninja hunting.
Then, she heard voices. She turned around to see a throng of genins… and one chuunin… coming out of a hospital, all talking at once.
"—Couldn't believe the fish was poisonous—"
"—Iruka's still sick—"
"—And we played laser tag—"
"Hi there children!" called Suzume as she came running over. "How would you like you be in a magazine? Have any of you ever heard of Sexy Ninjas Unlimited?"
"Have I?" said Tenten. "I'm subscribed to that magazine!" Then she looked around hesitantly. "I mean…no…"
"I'm looking for some new faces for the magazine!" Suzume continued. "And as I gaze upon all these faces here, I'm glad to announce that my search is finally over!"
"HURRAY!" cheered the more naïve people.
"First of all…considering Sexy Ninjas Unlimited is looking only for MEN…" Suzume said as she gestured for all the girls to leave. They all looked very sad, but they left anyway. "All right, I'm going to go down the line here and decide who NEEDS to be in my magazine and who'll I'll just…call later."
She instructed all the men to stand up in a line.
"Let's see…" said Suzume, standing in front of Naruto since he strived to be first in line. "Hm…just not really working for me…I'll have to come back to you. Wait here."
"How can you deny my sexiness?!" demanded Naruto.
"I haven't denied you yet." Suzume said as she moved on to Neji who was wondering why he was still waiting around there. "Wow! You're so gosh darned feminine that you're sexy!"
"Hey…" said Neji.
"I think this look works for you." She said. "And a Hyuuga too. I LOVE the Hyuuga eyes. Frankly, it's one of my turn-ons."
"I didn't need to know that." Neji said.
"You're DEFINITELY in." said Suzume. "Just wait there while I go through the rest."
Next was Shikamaru. She stared at him for a while. "You know, I don't know what it is…but something…" she looked like she was at a loss for words. "Something about you is just so…so…I don't know the word, but I like it! The way your face works…someone designed your face well."
"I was born with this face." Said Shikamaru.
"Even better!" said Suzume. "We'll have to work on style and hair a bit, but there is definitely potential here. You're in!" Next, Chouji. It didn't take her very long to come to her decision. "Sorry. Just not what I'm looking for."
"It's because I'm fat isn't it?" said Chouji sadly.
"No!" said Suzume even though you could tell it was true. "No, not at all!"
"Yes it is." Said Chouji.
"Chouji, you're not fat." Said Shikamaru. "Just big boned."
"Thanks Shikamaru!" said Chouji. "I'm glad that you've been accepted! I'll buy the magazine that you're in just so I can support you!!"
With that, Chouji skipped off happily.
"…All right." Said Suzume as she moved onto the next person in line, Kiba. "I like what I'm seeing…" she said with a nod. "I like the eyes…the hair… but… what are those…red things on your face?"
"…Um…?" Kiba said slowly.
"Doesn't matter I guess…" sighed Suzume. "I guess I'll come back to you too. Still on the fence."
Just then, Akamaru came galloping up. "Akamaru!" cheered Kiba as Akamaru jumped into his arms. "Did you miss me while I was sick? Did my mom take good care of you?" Akamaru barked in response. "I thought so! Time for a HUG!! And a KISS!! And a SQUEEZE!! Now for a MA!"
As Kiba stood there caressing Akamaru and went to 'MA' him, he suddenly remembered that there were a LOT of people standing there watching the whole thing.
"I mean…" said Kiba, clearing his throat and putting Akamaru on the ground. "This is my…uh, butch dog. Sit, Akamaru! Don't attack the lady!"
Akamaru caught on and pretended to act all guard dog and macho and started growling.
"No, Akamaru." Said Kiba in his lowest voice possible. "She's nice."
It looked like Suzume was at a loss for words.
"Haha." Said Naruto. "On the fence. Now he's off the fence."
"My heart…just melted." Said Suzume, clutching her heart. "That was by far the most precious thing I have ever seen in my entire life. There's not a lot of guys in this world who are sexy and also so sensitive!"
"Sensitive?" Kiba said, not sure he quite understood.
"You are SO in that it's not even funny." Said Suzume.
"Yahoo!" cheered Kiba.
"I don't know how anyone's going to top THAT." Said Suzume as she got to Sasuke and added, without even taking a breath, "Wow, you topped it. You're in."
"Thought so." Said Sasuke.
"What?!" demanded Naruto. "Sasuke's in and I'M on the fence?!"
"Finally we have…" Suzume said as she got to the end of the line where Lee was standing with the sexiest pose he could muster. A shiver ran down her spine as she could hardly look Lee straight in the face.
"What do you think?" said Lee. "Impressed?"
"Just…just go." said Suzume.
"I know I might not be as sexy as some of the other guys here, but I'm ten times more sensitive!" Lee assured her.
"I'm sure." Said Suzume. "Please leave."
"Fine!" said Lee as he stomped off, making big Lee sized footprints in the floor.
"Hey, wasn't there another guy here too?" Suzume said, looking around. "Didn't he have sort of an afro…and sunglasses?"
"Shino?" said Kiba. "He left."
"He was the smart one." Said Neji.
"Well that's too bad!" said Suzume, looking genuinely unhappy. "But, now that I have my FOUR newest…" Suzume started.
"Hey, hey, what about me?" asked Naruto.
"Just go with your friend with the eyebrows." Said Suzume.
"I'M on the same level as LEE when it comes to sexiness?!" Naruto yelled, entirely appalled.
"You might as well be." Said Suzume with a shrug.
"Why'd you keep me around so long then?!" Naruto asked.
"Just in case I didn't get at least four." Said Suzume. "But I really struck gold here."
"I need to get myself a dog." Naruto grunted as he stomped off as well.