Naruto Primer: Un-Sexy Men

Awesome Ninjas Unlimited

"She said that KIBA was sensitive!" Lee yelled, pounding the table at the local Johnny Rocket's.  He, Naruto and Chouji were all sitting around in a booth with milkshakes and French fries.  "Kiba!  The one who runs around like a wild beast while growling and foaming and all kinds of nasty stuff like that!!  They said HE was more sensitive than me!  All I have is my sensitivity!"

"Yeah but…chicks love puppies." Chouji pointed out.

"Obviously that woman has a weird sense of everything then." Said Naruto.  "If she was going to pass me up as a sexy person and pass YOU up as a sensitive person then she's got to have SOMETHING wrong with her!"

"That's so nice!" said Lee, crying in his hands.

"Well I didn't want to model anyway." Said Chouji.

"I sure as heck did!" said Naruto passionately.  "And I still think that I should be!"

"It doesn't matter now." Sighed Lee.  "We are what we are."

Before Naruto could start a heated debate with Lee, Shino suddenly came out of nowhere and sat down next to them only AFTER asking permission first of course.  He had probably entered Johnny Rocket's to get a delicious milkshake and just spotted some compadres of his so he decided to sit with them.

"Shino, where did you go?" asked Naruto.  "You just disappeared when the lady was deciding who would be a model for her."

"I had some errands to run." Shino replied.  "And I figured that there was no better time than while that random lady was asking people to model for her."

"But what if she thought you were sexy?!" demanded Naruto.

"Then I would have left to go and do my errands." Shino said.  "I don't need to model.  I'm only twelve."

"I'm thirteen." Said Lee.

"I didn't say YOU were twelve." Shino said.

"What kind of errands could you have possibly been running?" Chouji asked.

"I had to get a bunch of pictures developed." Shino answered, pulling a yellow Kodak folder out of his pocket.  "Do you want to see them?"

"What are they of?" Naruto asked as he took the envelope and pulled the wad of photos out.  He looked at the first picture to see a big bug face staring back at him.

"Bugs." Shino answered.

"All of them?" Naruto said, quickly shuffling through the pictures.

"Not the last one." Said Shino.  "It's of me.  I always do that with my film.  I get a little silly and take a picture of myself.  In this one, I'm sticking out my tongue and crossing my eyes."

Naruto looked at the last picture.  "Well, I'm sure the picture would be hilarious if your collar wasn't covering half your face and your sunglasses weren't covering the other half." Naruto said with a sigh.

Lee leaned over and looked at the picture.  "You look the same." He said.

"Let me see!" said Chouji as if it as a HILARIOUS picture that everyone was talking about.

"Maybe there is no career for you in modeling." Said Lee.

"That's it!!" said Naruto, dropping the pictures on the table and standing up dramatically.  "We could take pictures of ourselves and make our OWN magazine that people would buy!"

"Yeah!" said Lee.  "We can call it SENSITIVE Ninjas Unlimited!"

"No one would buy it if it was called Sensitive Ninjas Unlimited." Naruto said, looking at Lee as if he was stupid.

"Aww…" said Lee sadly.

"We could call it AWESOME Ninjas Unlimited!" said Chouji, getting excited.

"We'll be in it and those other guys won't be in it at all." Said Naruto as he sat back down and picked up a crayon and a napkin.  "And the cover would look like this and I would be right here with my thumb up and winking at the camera!  Yeah, I call being on the cover."

"I wanted to be on the cover." Complained Lee.

"…" said Naruto.  "Oh, I also call being the centerfold!"

"You can't have BOTH of them." Said Chouji.

"I'm the ninja of the month so I get to be the cover and the centerfold." Naruto decided right then and there.  "Besides, it was my idea to make the magazine."

"Can I be the ninja of the month NEXT month?!" asked Lee.

"…" said Naruto.  "So anyway!  We need to get a photographer!"

"I'll be the photographer." Said Shino.  "I'm REALLY good at taking pictures."

"How about Lee's the photographer?" suggested Naruto.

"No, I want to be a model!" said Lee, getting fiery eyes.

"I just got another idea!" said Naruto since he was on a roll.  "In the back of the magazine, we could put a bunch of reject ninjas who didn't make it into our magazine like Sasuke!  And we could show stupid pictures of him!"

"What do you mean by stupid?" asked Chouji.

"For one, we could show me beating him up!" Naruto said, drawing a little picture of himself beating up Sasuke.  "Or tripping on a banana peel!  Or falling down the stairs or something stupid like that!"

"But if he was an aspiring model and sent in pictures of himself to be in our magazine, why would he send in pictures of when he was falling down stairs?" asked Chouji.

"We could take the pictures of him!" said Naruto.

"When would we EVER find Sasuke in that sort of situation?" Lee asked.

"We'll work out the details later!" said Naruto.  "But we could get all those stupid guys who the lady picked to be in her sexy magazine!  We could show Neji being targeted by a squirty tie!  That would be so funny!  And then we could get Shikamaru when…"

"Not Shikamaru." Said Chouji immediately.

"Why?" asked Naruto.

"Because." Chouji said.  "Just because."

Speak of the devil, Shikamaru walked in just then!  He was also followed by Sasuke, Neji and Kiba who were all just walking.  Behind him.  In a single file line.  ONLY because they felt like it.

"Shikamaru!" exclaimed Chouji.  "What are you doing here?  I thought you were going to be a model!"

"It was too troublesome." Said Shikamaru as he sat down next to Chouji.

"What about the rest of you?" said Lee in sort of a resentful tone.

"Shikamaru pretty much hit the nail on the head." Said Kiba.  "It was too troublesome."  Akamaru barked.  "Well then you should have stayed behind if you wanted to model so much!  I just didn't like the way that lady handled you."

"I thought I could deal with it but once she brought in the girls…" Sasuke began, as he pulled out a banana from his lunch bag.  He peeled it and started eating.  "I didn't want them to think anything was… I don't know… THERE."

"Yeah and it just…didn't work for me." Said Neji.

"What's this?" Shikamaru said, taking the napkin away from Naruto and looking at it.  "Awesome Ninjas Unlimited?"

"Give that back!!" Naruto yelled, snatching the napkin and ripping it up into a thousand pieces.

"We were going to make our OWN magazine!!" Lee said passionately.  "And I was going to be ninja of the month NEXT month!"

"Oh?" said all of the people who had been chosen for Sexy Ninjas Unlimited as they laughed at Naruto subtly.

"Let's just leave!" said Naruto, standing up and getting out of the booth angrily.

"Oops." Said Sasuke as he dropped his banana peel on the ground.  He bent down and picked it up.  "Wouldn't want anyone to trip on this.  Especially me.  That would be embarrassing."  Then he threw the peel away.

The mass of eight men with varying sex appeal exited Johnny Rocket's while chuckling about what a CRAZY day it had been.  As they continued on their merry way, going wherever the wind was taking them, suddenly, Sasuke toppled to the ground, landing flat on his back.

"Ow." Said Sasuke.

Shino bent over and picked up a banana peel.  "How ironic." He said.

"He slipped on a banana peel!!" gasped Naruto.  "Hurry, take a picture!!"

"I don't have my camera with me." Shino said.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" yelled Naruto as he dropped to his knees and the camera panned out so that it was further and further away until we could only see the solar system but still hear his everlasting screams.