Carter dozed uneasily in O'Neill's office chair. Sleep seemed to be the only basic human need respected by the mind, hunger and thirst and the desire to use the bathroom not ever experienced. She knew O'Neill was watching her and the thought was comforting.
They daren't sleep together. As in, at the same time, not any other sense. She smiled at the thought. It could reach them, when they dreamed; so when the person left awake judged the sleeper had slept enough, the woke them, dragging them back.
She was nearly asleep when he spoke.
"I'm sorry Carter."
She didn't reply, sensing he was only speaking because he thought she was asleep.
He continued, proving her right. "I've tried to stop caring so much."
She felt moved to speak. "I know."
He jumped, looking guilty, as she opened one eye. "I thought you were asleep."
"I was. Nearly."
"Sorry."
"It's okay."
An awkward silence descended. "For the record sir, I have too."
The silence took on an aura of shock. Normally O'Neill would have stopped the conversation here and now, but he was trapped in his own subconscious mind, and if you couldn't be honest there, where could you be? And whilst he hadn't given up hope entirely, their survival prospects were looking severely limited.
"I haven't succeeded," he confessed.
She nodded. "I've been thinking about what Teal'c said," she informed him, voice still cracked with tiredness.
"What about it?"
"It's about you and Pete, I think. The whole Jello issue."
O'Neill froze. This was being honest with a vengeance! "Don't ask me for a detailed analysis of Uma," he said in reply, still puzzled as to why that particular image would be so crucial to his psyche, and slightly horrified by it.
She chuckled. "Repressed sexual tension."
O'Neill's mind underlined its' previous comment. "Carter...?"
"Sir?"
"Does Cassie keep-?"
"Yes! She does it to you as well? I'm not surprised." Carter cut in, waking up fully and smiling at him, amused.
"I'm trying to deal with things," he said, "But it's hard."
"I like Julia," Carter said sadly, "She seems nice."
"I like Pete," he returned stoutly.
The pause was too long.
"You know what I hate?" she said, changing the topic of conversation wisely. "When I get flashes of other hosts's memories, memories of the same emotion that I'm feeling."
He nodded, the silence descending on them again.
She settled back in his chair and fell asleep.
"CARTER!"
"Whuh?" she said, waking up.
O'Neill stopped shaking her, his face very red from shouting. "You awake?"
She nodded. "Uh, yeah, just about."
"You were shouting in your sleep."
"I was?" Realisation hit her. "Yes! I was! Sir, I think I know how we can get out of here."
"How?"
"Dial up the creature's home planet. You see I was dreaming and I realised that--" She stopped when she saw his expression.
"Dial up P3X-907?"
"Yes sir. I think that planet it representative of the creature's own subconscious mind. That way we can reason with it without it being able to control us."
"Reason with it?" He sounded doubtful.
"What else are we going to do sir?" she asked and he nodded.
"Dial it up."
They stepped through the 'gate together, O'Neill feeling hideously unprepared without a weapon, but the armoury in the SGC was empty.
P3X-907 was exactly as Carter remembered, the feeling of hush just as oppressive.
"We know you're here!" she called out, more bravely than she felt.
There was a rippling silvery flash and before her, forming from curling silver smoke, something humanoid.
She sensed O'Neill tensing beside her and touched his arm for a second with a placating hand.
HOW ARE YOU HERE?
"I'm not sure," Carter replied.
THAT'S NOT A VERY HELPFUL ANSWER
"It's the truth."
YOU WANT TO HELP ME?
"Yes," Carter answered.
"Speak for yourself," O'Neill muttered.
YOU CANNOT. NO ONE CAN. I AM... ALONE.
"Why?"
BECAUSE I ONLY EXPERIENCE LIFE THROUGH OTHER BEINGS. MY PRESENCE DESTROYS THEM. EITHER I BREAK THEIR MINDS OR THEIR PHYSICAL FORM WITHERS AS THEY LIVE WITHIN THEIR OWN MINDS.
"Let Carter go," O'Neill said suddenly. "Let her out and you can have me as a host."
YOU WOULD SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR HERS?
"Yes."
"Sir, you can't," Carter murmured.
"I can and I am," he replied.
THAT OFFER IS PLEASING. I AM MINDED TO ACCEPT.
"Sir!"
"Carter, go home."
"You can't do this!"
"I just did."
"No," she said, tears spilling now from overloaded eyes. "No." She turned to the creature. "Let him go. I'll stay. You chose my mind originally."
THAT IS TRUE.
"Carter!" O'Neill snapped. "You can't-"
"I just did," she snapped back.
"I am your commanding officer!"
"Not here," she said in reply, "This is a world we, the three of us, generate. And I don't want you to be my CO here."
"Carter... That doesn't make any sense..."
She laughed, a cackle that danced with insanity. "Nothing here does."
WHY IS IT THAT YOU WOULD SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR THAT OF THE OTHER?
"Because that's the people we are," Carter replied.
YOUR IDENTITY COMES FROM THE CHOICES YOU MAKE?
"Yes," said Carter, seizing the opportunity. "You have a choice too. You can chose to leave us."
BUT THEN I WILL NOT EXPERIENCE. THERE WILL BE NO ME.
"Why?"
THAT IS THE WAY IT ALWAYS IS. THERE WILL SIMPLY BE THE INSTINCT TO TAKE ANOTHER HOST. LIKE ANY OTHER PARASITE. BUT I AM FLAWED. I CANNOT CO-EXIST. I DESTROY.
"Let me see if I've got this right," Carter said slowly. "You only gain the power of independent thought when you take human hosts?"
YES
"When you take a host you have identity?"
YES
"You exist independently in this place," she said, gesturing at the world around them.
YES. WHAT IS YOUR POINT?
"Can't the instinct take this mind?"
"What?" O'Neill asked, confused.
"The part of you that feels compelled to take a host. Can't it take the mind that has been created by joining with us for its own?" she continued, still addressing the creature.
I AM UNSURE.
"Can't you try?"
THE THOUGHT HAS NEVER OCCURRED TO ME.
"But can you try?" O'Neill cut in.
I CAN TRY. BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT THE EFFECTS MAY BE ON YOU? YOUR THOUGHTS ARE LINKED WITH MY OWN. I HAVE NEVER SEVERED SUCH A LINK... I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES FOR YOU WOULD BE.
"They can't be worse than death," Carter said grimly. "Try."
She woke up. The infirmary ceiling swam into focus. She was alone in her own head. And she could remember everything.
"Sir?" she sat up.
He was in the cot next to her. "I'm here," he said.
"And you're you?" she asked.
"And I'm me. It's... gone."
"I think it worked."
"For the record," O'Neill said drowsily, "That's the weirdest thing I've ever done."
"Yes sir."
Doctor Smith glanced up at their voices, saw they were awake and practically ran over to their beds.
"You're awake!"
They exchanged a glance. Carter started to smile.