Okay, I was in my high school's performance of "The Music Man" these past three months and this just popped into my head while listening to my Music Man soundtrack for the bazillionth time.
Disclaimer: This song comes from The Music Man, all it's words were written by Meredith Wilson, NOT ME, and I'm am stating here and now I take absolutely no credit for the lyrics.
The Hogshead was nearly empty that night, save for the owner, standing behind the counter and methodically scrubbing a grimy shot glass, and two young wizards; Death-eaters, none other than Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape.
Already feeling a bit looser after a shot of firewhiskey the two were talking about what was on the mind of most twentysomething wizards: girls.
"So what would your ideal witch be, Severus?" Lucius asked, smiling roguishly. Severus paused, seeming to think for a moment, swishing the smoking liquid in his shot glass contemplatively. Finally he took the firewhiskey in one gulp and slammed the glass down on the bar table before speaking.
"No wide-eyed, eager, wholesome, innocent, Sunday school teacher for me; that kind of girl spins webs no spider ever- listen boy." Lucius leaned in raptly, trying his best to look serious… and failing miserably.
"A girl who trains on all the purity," Severus went on, "merely wants to trade my independence for her security!" Severus swiveled on his bar stool to face Lucius completely before breaking into song:
"The only affirmative she will file
Refers to marching down the aisle
No golden, glorious, gleaming, pristine goddess
No sir!
For no Diana do I play faun, I can tell you that right now!
I snarl, I hiss
How can ignorance be compared to bliss?
I spark, I fizz
For the lady who knows what time it is
I cheer, I rave
For the virtue I'm too late to save
The sadder but wiser girl for me!"
Lucius laughed out loud and proceeded to take another shot of firewhiskey as a few more young witches and wizards wandered into the pub, looking at them strangely. However Severus continued, standing and really getting into the act:
"No bright-eyed, blushing, breathless, baby doll baby
No sir that kind of child ties knots
No sailor ever knew
I prefer to take a chance
On a more adult romance
No dewy young miss who keeps resisting, all the time she keeps insisting
No wide-eyed, wholesome, innocent female- no sir!
Why, she's the fisherman, I'm the fish, you see!
Plop!"
Severus pantomimes fishing and then sits back on his bar stool hard, Lucius shaking his head at his very intoxicated friend; it always amused him how little firewhiskey that boy needed to provide amusement. Severus, for his part, kept on singing:
"I flinch, I shy
When the lass with a delicate air goes by!"
As a random unsuspecting witch passed them Severus flinched away, the witch looking at him like he was crazy.
"I smile, I grin
When a gal with a touch of sin walks in-"
Both of their attention is then drawn to the door as a witch enters with bravado- Narcissa Black. Instantly Lucius's ladies-man-senses are a-tingling as he flashes her his most dashing smile. Unable to resist his charms Narcissa is drawn towards them as Severus sings the next lines, looking between the two of them and smiling, shaking his head.
"I hope, I pray
For Hester to win just one more 'A'
The sadder but wiser girl's the girl for me!"
Lucius stands and bows to Narcissa, who curtsies back, and the two begin to dance a jaunty jig, Narcissa's robes swishing. Severus immediately heads to the dusty, unused, very, very out of tune piano in the corner and begins to play feverishly a sprightly tune to match their reckless dance.
Lucius turns to Severus when he hears the music and the two smile broadly, singing the last lines together, harmonizing beautifully:
"The sadder but wiser girl's the girl for me!
The sadder but wiser girl for me!"
Severus wildly played the rest of the lively melody and ended with an impressive staccato chord; Lucius spun Narcissa crazily, then ended right on the chord in a deep dip. All three of them were breathless with laughter and the rest of the folks in the bar thought they were off their rockers.
Don't you just love firewhiskey?