I guess we haven't really addressed you guys in a while. Well, actually, I don't think we've EVER really addressed you guys! HAW HAW HAW!! But now we are. And we request that you visit our new site that is dedicated to the one and only Kiba. You'll find the URL at the end of this chapter. That's right, you have to enjoy the chapter FIRST and then go to the site. And you will enjoy this chapter. It's one of our favorites.
Naruto Primer: All
The Disembodied Head
"YEAH!!!!" Lee yelled, ripping off the plastic wrap of a movie and running into the other room and turning the lights on. Everyone else (meaning the ten other genins and Shikamaru) was already in there watching The Ring. "I GOT A MUCH SCARIER MOVIE!!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs as he turned off the scary movie.
"Lee, we were already fifteen minutes into The Ring!" said Tenten.
"And we were fifteen minutes into Alien before that." Added Kiba.
"None of these movies are scary!" said Naruto.
"What's the NEW one?" asked Ino as Lee quickly fast-forwarded all the previews.
"It's called the Disembodied Head That Ate People!" Lee answered. "I heard it was just the scariest movie ever!!"
He turned the lights off again and pressed play. He slid back into his seat that was on the floor in front of Ino. Ino was on a couch sitting next to Sasuke who was in between her and Sakura. Tenten was sitting on the back of the couch behind Sasuke, and Hinata was sitting on the floor in front of Sasuke and next to Lee. Kiba was next to Hinata and Neji was lying in front of Kiba. On the armrest next to Sakura, that's where Naruto sat, holding his camera just in case. There was another smaller couch on the side with Ino on it where Shikamaru and Chouji both sat. Shino sat in front of Shikamaru and Chouji. There were three bowls of popcorn circulating. Shino had one of them, Sasuke had another and Kiba had the last one.
"All right," said Lee, pausing it and reading the back of the box. "This movie is about this guy who died of unnatural causes and now his head is going around eating all the people who were ever mean to him! OH WOW!!"
"How does a disembodied head eat people?" Shikamaru questioned.
"With his mouth, Shikamaru." Said Chouji.
"I think he means that a head doesn't have a stomach." Shino commented.
"Yeah, where does it go?" Ino asked Lee.
"I don't know, I've never seen it before!" Lee replied.
"Can this be the last one we turn on?" requested Tenten.
"I don't have enough room." Said Sasuke.
"Do you want me to move forward?" Hinata asked.
"Hinata, if you get scared, I'll comfort you!" said Kiba.
"Mmm…popcorn." Said Shino.
"Could someone pass me a pillow?" Neji said. "My neck hurts."
"Here," said Sakura, tossing a pillow to Neji.
"Hey, I was using that pillow!!" said Naruto angrily. "Now my butt hurts!!"
"I don't want to put my head on a pillow that Naruto's butt was on." Said Neji, tossing the pillow back at Naruto.
"Shh, guys it's starting!!" Lee said.
The movie began with an extremely bitter man who never had anything go his way. Eventually, he ended up dying by decapitation and was buried and seventy years passed. It was about forty-five minutes of background stuff that wasn't scary at all. ~sniff~
But that's when the scary stuff happened. One dark and stormy night, THE HEAD ALL OF A SUDDEN PUSHED ITSELF OUT OF THE GROUND AND WANTED REVENGE!!!
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" screamed Sakura, Ino and Tenten as they all jumped for Sasuke and squeezed him until he almost burst. Of course, he wasn't about to show that HE was scared out of his wits too and didn't mind the comfort!!
"EEK!" Hinata yelled as she grabbed the closest thing to her. After a moment of being nuzzled in the side of the person to her left, she looked up to see the extremely shocked expression of Neji who had sat up for a moment to get some popcorn from Sasuke. Then there was another extremely awkward moment as Hinata was simply unable to move out of sheer fear. Not from the movie, she was over that, but just from Neji's wrath.
Promptly, she let go. "I'm sorry!" she said.
Neji, avoiding eye contact, cleared his throat, took his popcorn and then lied back down, trying not to look TOO fazed.
"That would have been me…!" Kiba thought angrily as he shook his fist at Neji on the inside.
"Guys, why did you scream?" Shikamaru said, looking annoyed. "That was really loud and troublesome. It didn't even look real anyway. You could see the strings that were making the head fly. Besides, if a head was buried for seventy years, there's no way it would still have flesh, hair and eyeballs."
"Yeah, and it wouldn't be able to fly anyway!" Chouji piped.
"Right, Chouji." Said Shikamaru, sounding impressed.
"Don't ruin the movie!" Lee said.
"Sakura, next time you're scared, you can cling onto ME!" said Naruto.
"Not while Sasuke's here!" said Sakura as she leaned over to hug Sasuke again only to fall across the couch onto Ino. "Where'd Sasuke go?!"
"He went to the bathroom." Said Tenten.
"I'm taking his seat!!" Naruto yelled as he leapt up off the armrest to take Sasuke's seat but Tenten, Ino and Sakura all beat him up.
"We're running out of popcorn." Said Shino.
Then everyone realized that they were missing the movie so they all quieted down. Sasuke rejoined them later. "I hope I didn't miss anything." He said, trying not to sound nervous.
"You missed the part where the head ate the guy's wife!" said Kiba. "But we're not rewinding it."
"Yeah, it was REALLY scary!!" said Ino.
"That's too bad." Said Sasuke.
They continued watching the movie some more until the part happened where THE HEAD ATE THE GUY'S CHILDREN!!!! ALL SEVEN OF THEM!!!
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" screamed the three girls as they went to hug Sasuke only to find that he wasn't there so they just ended up hugging each other.
Kiba scooted over towards Hinata just in time for her to lunge out and hug him while screaming too. He wasn't scared at all. He had seen things eat other things before. In fact, he had even eaten a few things before in his lifetime so he couldn't see why everyone was so scared.
"We need more popcorn." Said Shino, handing the bowl to Lee.
"Hey, I'm going to miss some of the movie!" said Lee. "Get it yourself!"
"Oh, I'll get it!" said Sasuke as he walked in. He took the bowl from Shino and left the room again.
"That was such an animatronics head just there…" sighed Shikamaru. "It didn't even look real at all."
"Yeah!" said Chouji, wiping some of the sweat from his forehead.
"I think The Ring was scarier than this." Said Neji, repositioning himself again since his neck hurt EVER so much.
"Thank you for comforting me, Kiba!" said Hinata as she let go of him.
"It's no trouble!" said Kiba, acting like he was some kind of big hero.
"Next time, I'll hug someone else so you won't be troubled!" Hinata said.
"I already said, it was no trouble at all!" Kiba insisted. "Here, do you want to hold Akamaru? He'll comfort you throughout the whole movie!"
"Sure!" said Hinata, taking Akamaru. "I love Akamaru!"
"I love him too!!" said Kiba excitedly.
"SHHHH!!" hissed everyone else since they were being rather loud.
They continued watching the movie until the part when THE HEAD FINALLY CONFRONTED THE GUY AND LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GOING TO EAT HIM!!!
"What's going to happen?!" Ino gasped, biting all her nails off.
"I think I have to go to the bathroom again." Said Sasuke, standing up.
"That's your fifth trip already!" said Naruto.
"I really have to go!" said Sasuke.
"You have to stay and comfort me!" Sakura begged but Sasuke was out faster than the speed of light. He went to open the door of the bathroom but it was locked.
"Why is the door locked?!" he demanded.
"Oh, Akamaru's in there." Kiba said as he continued watching the movie as if it WASN'T terrifying. "I think he's constipated or something. Besides, I wouldn't go in there right after he's done ANYWAY." There was barking from the bathroom. "Be quiet, Akamaru! You KNOW it's true!"
"SHUT UP!!" yelled everyone since they were currently at the climax of the movie. Sasuke went back and forth from looking at the door handle to looking at the television to the door handle to the television.
"Sasuke—"
"WHAT?!" Sasuke yelled, jumping in surprise.
"Um…there's a bathroom upstairs." Said Lee, pointing upwards.
"Oh right then." Said Sasuke, clearing his throat and quickly going up the stairs.
"Sasuke must not be feeling well!" said Tenten.
"He's SO scared." Said Naruto.
"NO HE'S NOT!!" screamed Sakura, Ino and Tenten so loudly that Naruto got blown off his seat and onto the floor.
"I wish this would end." Said Shikamaru. "The horrible quality of this movie is starting to offend me."
"You know, I was watching this documentary on Egypt the other day," Kiba began out of nowhere. "It had pyramids and mummies and skeletons and stuff. It was pretty scary."
"Hang on, what just happened?" Neji said, turning around and facing everyone.
"I was watching the documentary…" Kiba began.
"NO, in the movie." Said Neji, looking annoyed.
"The head just ate the guy's arm!!" said Lee.
"I saw that part but why did the head do it?" Neji asked.
"To get revenge!" Lee answered.
"Why?" Neji said, looking utterly confused.
"Because this guy is the product of an affair between the head's wife and the guy who killed him!!" Lee said.
"Oh, I completely missed that." Neji said.
"How could you have missed that?!" demanded Sakura. "That's the basis of which this whole movie is about!!"
Suddenly, everyone, including Sakura but minus Neji, started laughing.
"Wait, what was so funny?" Neji said, looking at the screen.
"It was just a funny thing the guy said." Said Tenten.
"While his arm was bitten off?" Shikamaru said skeptically.
"What did he say?" Neji asked.
"Nothing." Tenten said. "It wasn't important."
"I don't want to be the only one who didn't hear the joke." Said Neji.
"Then listen!" Tenten urged.
"How much longer is left of this movie?" Shikamaru said, looking longingly at the clock.
"I think we need more popcorn again." Commented Shino.
"Did someone say popcorn?" said Sasuke as he poked his head in, looked quickly at the television screen and then carried a bowl of popcorn in. "I figured we might have needed more so I took it upon myself to make some!"
That's when Akamaru came back in. "Welcome back Akamaru, it's about time!" said Kiba. "How do you know Hinata wasn't scared?! Hey…hey, did you turn the fan on?! You KNOW you're supposed to!!" He turned to Sasuke. "If you need to use the bathroom again, you should go in the one upstairs if you know what I mean."
Then they continued watching.
"Wait, did that tree just rape that girl?" Neji said, sitting up and looking at everyone.
They all stared at him. "…No." said Lee. "What tree? What girl? The guy and the head are in a warehouse."
"Oh, my bad." Said Neji, lying back down. "The shadow looked like a tree and the guy looks kind of feminine."
"I'm really scared of what might happen!" said Hinata. "I hope the guy lives even though his entire family and his arm was eaten by a head."
"I still don't see how a head can eat something." Shikamaru said.
"Try to just enjoy the movie, Shikamaru." Said Chouji.
"I can't when there are so many continuity errors." Shikamaru said. "I swear, his LEFT arm was the one bitten off a little while ago. I remember because Naruto yelled out, 'Gee, I hope he wasn't a lefty!!'"
"Hey, you're right!" said Lee.
"What?" said Neji. "What's going on?"
"You have to pay attention!" said Kiba as he barely resisted the urge to kick Neji in the back of the head.
"When did Sasuke leave?" said Ino, looking at the empty seat in which Sasuke should have been sitting.
"Hey, who's in the upstairs bathroom?" came Sasuke's voice from upstairs.
"God damn it Akamaru!" said Kiba, looking around for Akamaru. "You're supposed to be comforting Hinata!"
"It's all right!" said Hinata.
BUT THAT'S WHEN THE HEAD POPPED OUT OF ONE OF THE WAREHOUSE BOXES AND ATE THE GUY'S OTHER ARM!!!!
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" screamed the girls as they thrashed around looking for someone to cling onto. Even Shino was surprised as he tossed his popcorn into the air and gasped. Hinata latched onto Kiba like a leech. Chouji also jumped out of his chair and grabbed onto Shikamaru who was FAR from impressed. Naruto and Lee tried to lean over and get Sakura to seek comfort in them.
"Aw man, did you see that guy's face?!" Kiba came close to laughing. "That was so funny! Why do you think he looked like that?"
"Wait a second, what just happened?" Neji asked. "What face are you talking about? I thought they were in a forest! Did the head get the scroll?"
"Neji, are you watching the same movie we are?" said Tenten.
"Can we rewind it?" Neji requested.
"NO WAY!!!" yelled all the people who were scared.
"I need more popcorn." Said Shino as he picked up the empty bowl.
"I'll get it!" said Sasuke as he ran in, grabbed the bowl and ran out.
"It's a good thing Sasuke's feeling so benevolent today or else I would have been out of popcorn a long time ago." Said Shino as he stated the obvious.
"Wait, how come this head is just a head anyway?" Neji asked. "And WHO is this guy?"
"Don't bother, Neji." Said Tenten.
"I think it would be cool if the guy hit the head with a baseball bat." Said Kiba.
"But he doesn't have anymore arms." Said Ino.
"He would SO bleed to death by now." Said Shikamaru.
"He could kick it or something!" Kiba said.
"Kick what?" asked Neji.
"BE QUIET!!!" yelled all the people who wanted to watch the movie.
They continue to watch the movie.
"This is DUMB." Said Shikamaru. "This guy has been running around in a warehouse on his leg stumps for almost ten minutes. Why is the head having a hard time finding him? Why doesn't he just follow the huge pools of blood that he's making? Oh wait, he's not really bleeding all that much."
"Why is this death so drawn out?" complained Naruto.
"Because he's the main character." Shikamaru answered.
"I thought the head was already dead." Said Neji.
"It IS." Said Lee. "He was talking about the guy."
"I don't see how he's going to get out of this." Said Sakura. "He's got no arms and no legs…"
"Well that didn't stop the head." Shikamaru pointed out.
"Where's my popcorn?" said Shino.
"Good point, where IS Sasuke?" Ino said, looking around.
"Wha? Sasuke's in the movie?" said Neji.
"No, he's not." Said Ino, slapping her forehead.
"I don't get this movie at all!" Neji said. "It's the most confusing thing I've ever seen in my life!"
"What's so confusing about it?" said Kiba. "It's just a head eating people."
"Yeah but…WHY?" Neji asked.
"It's not important, just know that he IS." Kiba said.
"Hey, Shino, sorry, there wasn't any popcorn left." Said Sasuke, walking back in and sitting in his empty seat.
"That sure took long." Said Naruto.
"I was looking everywhere." Said Sasuke, glaring at Naruto.
"Yeah well—" started Naruto but he was interrupted by all the girls screaming.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" screamed the girls as they latched onto Sasuke. He was trapped now so he couldn't go…and… um… use the bathroom!! He really had to use the bathroom!!
"THE HEAD IS TEARING APART THE GUY'S FACE!!!" screamed Lee as he slapped his cheeks.
"Is that the same guy?!" Neji asked frantically, being utterly lost.
"Actually no." said Kiba. "That's the guy's coworker. He jumped out and saved the guy at the last second."
"And now the head's eating him too?!" Neji said.
"Yes." Kiba said.
"Oh, I think I'm starting to get it." Neji said, feeling proud. "But what about the wife? Why didn't SHE sacrifice herself?"
Kiba only gave Neji this LOOK, and decided that he didn't even deserve an answer.
"THE COWORKER IS TAKING A PIPE AND HITTING THE HEAD WITH IT!!!" Lee yelled. "HE JUST DID IT!! WOW!! NOW THE HEAD IS IN ORBIT!!!"
"I can't hear the movie!!" said Chouji.
Sasuke was, by now, hyperventilating and definitely not getting enough air especially since the women were squeezing him.
"Sasuke, you're sweating!" said Sakura. "Are we too close? Are you too hot?"
Sasuke didn't answer. His response was vomiting in the popcorn bowl he was holding.
"EWWWW!!!" Tenten, Ino and Sakura said as they drew away from him and sprung off the couch. Pretty soon, once everyone had seen what happened, they were all away from the couch as fast as possible. Then, Sasuke fainted.
"He vomited and fainted because he's scared!" said Naruto.
"No, it's because he's sick!" said Sakura.
"Right." Said Naruto as he raised his camera and took a picture.
"I'll pause this so we don't miss anything." Said Lee, taking the remote and pausing the movie.
"Aw man, he puked in the popcorn bowl." Said Shino sadly.
"I don't get it." said Neji who was still lying down and looking at the television screen. "They haven't moved for a while."
"They're thinking, Neji." Said Shikamaru.
Neji looked up at Kiba to see that everyone was standing. "Hey, you guys paused it, didn't you?" he said, sitting up.
"We have a crisis!" said Tenten, Ino and Sakura as they arranged Sasuke nicely on the couch with a blanket and a head cloth and put a little pot next to the couch.
"This is awful!" said Hinata.
Then Akamaru came hopping down the stairs. "Geez, Akamaru, you think that took long enough?" Kiba said.
"I want to see the end of the movie." Said Chouji.
Just when he said that, maybe even WHILE he was saying that, there was a knock at the door. Since it was Lee's house (in case we haven't specified that) he answered the door to see Shikato, Inoshi, Chomaru.
"Hi!" said Shikato.
"We've decided to…" Inoshi continued.
"Pick up all our kids at the same time!" Chomaru finished.
"But dad!" said Ino.
"There's only five minutes left of the…" said Chouji.
"I'm not doing it." Shikamaru said, crossing his arms.
"You're no fun." Said Ino, Chouji, Shikato, Inoshi and Chomaru.
"You can rent it some time in the future." Said Shikato.
"But only if you behave!" said Chomaru.
"YEAH!" said Inoshi.
"Aww…" said Chouji and Ino. But Shikamaru was happy to leave. So then the six of them left.
"Is it really that time that everyone's being picked up?" said Lee.
"It's because you kept changing the movie at the beginning." Said Kiba.
That's when there was a knock at the door again. This time, it was some random lady with pink hair. Sakura's mom!
"I'm here to pick up Sakura!" said Sakura's mom who will be known as Blakura.
"Mom, is it okay if we take home Sasuke?" Sakura asked. "He's not feeling very well and he needs some motherly nurturing!"
"Of course!" said Blakura. "We couldn't very well leave him home alone while he's sick!"
"Just because he got so scared that he passed out doesn't mean you need to take him back to your house." Said Naruto bitterly. Then Blakura scooped Sasuke up into her arms like every mother knows how and the three of them left.
"Okay…I'm going to go now." Said Tenten as she left.
"Me too!" said Naruto. "I don't want to hang around here any longer!" So he left too.
All that remained was Shino, Lee, Neji, Kiba and Hinata. So the next person that came to the door was… SHINO'S DAD! And he will be known as Auron.
"Shino, I'm here to pick you up." Said Auron.
"I know dad." Said Shino. "I'm ready to be picked up."
"Then walk out the door to where I am standing." Auron said.
"I will do just that." Said Shino. And he did.
"Now let's go home." Said Auron.
"Good idea." Said Shino. Then they both left. That sure was interesting!
The next person to arrive was Hinata's father…AKA Neji's evil uncle. As Hinata got ready to leave and said bye to Kiba and Akamaru and thanked Lee for having a great party, Hiashi looked at Neji who was only standing there with this HORRID glare.
"Do you have a ride home, Neji?" he asked.
"I'll walk." Neji scoffed.
"We're going to the same place." Said Hiashi. "I'll just give you a ride."
"I don't need one." Neji said. "I already said I'll walk."
"I must insist that you let me give you a ride home." Said Hiashi.
"I don't WANT one!" said Neji. "Who says I'm even going home?"
"It's a little late for a thirteen-year-old to just be wandering around." Hiashi said.
"I'm sleeping over Lee's." Neji said, grabbing Lee and pulling him over.
"YEAH!!" said Lee. "MY FIRST SLEEPOVER!!!"
"Very well." Said Hiashi with a sigh. "Come, Hinata."
"Bye!" said Hinata as she and Hiashi left.
"Bye Hinata!" said Kiba.
"Are you really sleeping over, Neji?" said Lee.
"Uh…I guess." Said Neji. "I don't really want to walk home. It's pretty far away and it's dark outside."
Just then, Kiba's ENTIRE family was at the door. Meaning both his parents and all their dogs.
"Hi mom!" said Kiba. "Hi dad! Hi Kuromaru! Hi Aomaru! Hi Kiiromaru! Hi Momoiromaru!"
"Hi Kiba!" said Kiba's mom. "Hi Akamaru!"
"Hi Kiba!" said Kiba's dad. "Hi Akamaru!"
"Woof!" said all the dogs in unison.
"Woof!" Akamaru barked in response.
"Did you have fun watching Goof Troop?" asked Kiba's mom.
"We actually watched the Disembodied Head that Ate People." Said Kiba. To him, both movies were pretty much the same. They were equally ridiculous!
"The Disembodied Head that Ate People?" said Kiba's dad. "Isn't that rated R? What have we said about watching movies? You're supposed to ask our permission if its rating is any higher than G!"
"There was nothing wrong with the movie at all!" Kiba said.
"Except for the fact that the head ate people." Said Lee.
"Wait, it was the head eating people?" said Neji. "I thought the guy was the whole time!"
"Young man, we're going to have to have a long talk tomorrow morning because it is WAY past your bedtime!" said Kiba's mom, shaking her finger at Kiba.
"Aw man!" said Kiba.
"Well, let's go." said Kiba's dad, looking really disappointed. Kiba hung his head low and left with his parents and all the dogs.
"Well that sure was fun!" said Lee to Neji.
"I don't know, I didn't really understand the movie." Neji said.
"Maybe we could watch it again and you'll catch all the things you missed the first time around!" said Lee. "And we could watch the end too!"
"Sounds like a plan." Said Neji as he and Lee erupted into warm chuckling and a black circle engulfed them.
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