Naruto Primer: Teachers
Hazing
"So anyway, Shikamaru's a chuunin…" Asuma said.
"Stop randomly bringing that up!" said Gai. "We all KNOW he's a chuunin!"
"I just thought I would remind you all that I have a chuunin on my team and the rest of you don't." Asuma said with a sigh.
"That didn't even have anything to do with what we were talking about!" Kurenai pointed out.
"Yeah, we were just discussing what we were going to do on Saturday night!" Kakashi said. "Either watch the Disembodied Head that Ate People at my house or call upon our students and give them random training exercises!"
"Shikamaru doesn't NEED to train because he's a CHUUNIN!" said Asuma.
"ARGH!!" groaned Kurenai, Gai and Kakashi as they threw their arms up in the air in frustration.
They were all sitting in a café having yet another one of their teacher and jounin parties. It was then that Iruka walked in and noticed them. He walked over to say hi.
"Hey guys!" he said. "I never really got a chance to ask you but were you happy with how much character your students built after going camping?"
The four jounins were silent as they stared at Iruka.
"What…?" Iruka said slowly. "Do I have something in my teeth?"
"No, no, it's not that." Said Kakashi.
"We just don't know what to talk about with you here." Admitted Gai.
"Why?" asked Iruka. "I just spat out a great conversation starter!"
"Yeah but…you're not a jounin like us." Said Asuma. "You have to understand how hard it is to create small talk with you."
"What, just because I'm a chuunin?" said Iruka, looking offended. "You guys talk to chuunins all the time! What about Shikamaru?!"
"He's different." Said Asuma.
"How so?" Iruka demanded.
"He just IS." Asuma said.
"So anyway, we'd like to get back to our teacher and jounins party…" said Kakashi, trying to get Iruka to leave.
"No, I'm not leaving." Said Iruka, pulling up a chair. "You guys have to include me! I'm a teacher! And I'm practically a jounin, I just don't feel like taking the jounin exam!"
"Yeah but you're a chuunin." Said Kurenai. "And we're jounins."
"That shouldn't matter!" said Iruka. "Let me hang out with you!"
The four jounins looked at each other and sighed. "Very well." Said Gai finally. "But if you want to hang out with us then you have to prove to us that you're cool."
"Wait, isn't that hazing?" said Iruka since he IS a teacher and all.
"Think of it as initiation." Asuma said.
"Did you guys have to go through initiation?" Iruka asked.
"We're the jounins." Kakashi pointed out.
"Fine, what do I have to do?" Iruka asked as the scene faded and then reopened with the five teachers standing outside that restaurant with the grill in the middle where they could cook the food right then and there.
"All right, my students are in there." Said Asuma. "In order to prove that you're cool, you have to get them to leave the restaurant without eating."
"That is going to be very hard." Commented Kurenai.
"Yeah, he has Chouji on the team." Said Gai.
"And Shikamaru who could just sit there all day and nothing could happen." Added Kakashi.
"And he's a chuunin." Asuma finished.
"Now go!" said the four jounins at the same time as they pushed him in the restaurant and then peeked their heads through the window to watch him. Iruka awkwardly walked over to where Chouji, Ino and Shikamaru were sitting having a grand barbeque. Actually, they weren't having a grand barbeque yet, they were still waiting for their uncooked food to be delivered.
"Hey guys!" said Iruka.
"Hi…" said Ino, Chouji and Shikamaru.
"Shouldn't you be out training or something?" he asked.
"This is our reward for training." Said Chouji.
"You guys should go someplace else." Said Iruka. "I hear this place is REALLY bad and expensive."
"We've been here before." Said Ino. "It's not bad and it's pretty cheap."
"You still should leave." Said Iruka.
"Why?" asked Shikamaru.
"Because…um…because I'm your teacher and I will you to do so!" Iruka said finally.
"You're not our teacher anymore." Ino pointed out.
"Well…uh…" Iruka started.
"Excuse me," said the waiter as he put all the food on the table.
"YAY!" cheered Ino and Chouji. Shikamaru only kind of…looked.
Iruka suddenly got another brilliant idea. He ran over to wear the kitchen was and looked for the controls of the stove. Finally he found the stove at the table the three were sitting at and turned it off.
Then he found a hiding spot where he could watch them fruitlessly try to set up their food. "Hey, it's not cooking." Said Ino, waving her hand over the grill part of the table. "It's not even hot."
Shikamaru waved his hand over the grill too. "I wonder why that is." He said.
"The switch is on," Chouji observed, playing with the switch that turned the grill on.
After sitting there in a puzzled state for a moment or two, Ino finally let out a heavy sigh. "This is stupid!" she said, standing up. "I'm not staying here any longer. I promised my mom I'd be home twenty minutes ago. I'll see you guys later."
With that, she was out the door.
"Come on, Chouji, let's go play shougi or something." Said Shikamaru, standing up as well.
"But I'm still hungry." Chouji said.
"Then let's go eat someplace else." Shikamaru said. "THEN we can play shougi, okay?"
"OKAY!" they both said.
So they left too.
Iruka watched them leave and then exited the restaurant as well. "Well?" he said to the four jounins who were nodding their heads in satisfaction. "How was that? Can I hang out with you guys now?"
"Well…that was mildly cool…" said Asuma. "I mean, even I can't get Chouji to leave a restaurant without eating!"
"But that was the easy test." Said Kakashi. "Next, you will have to do something that you must look underneath the underneath to do!"
"Kakashi, stop saying that so much." Said Asuma. "It's really really really annoying."
"Then you stop saying that Shikamaru is a chuunin." Kakashi said.
"No." said Asuma. "Because he IS."
"Then I'm going to tell people to look underneath the underneath all I want because that's what I want them to do." Kakashi said.
"Oh, can he harass my team next?!" Gai asked.
"No, my team." Said Kurenai said. "I already called going next while he was in the restaurant, remember? All right, Iruka, my team is out running laps. I want you to somehow…SURPRISE them! All three of them."
"What?" said Iruka. "Surprise them?"
"Yes." Said Kurenai. "It's not as easy as you might think. Kiba can sniff you out a mile away and has Akamaru just in case and Hinata's got her Byakugan. As for Shino, he's not an easy person to surprise. I mean, I was trying to surprise them the other day and they all just kind of laughed at me. Except for Shino who just…stood there and Hinata who wouldn't do that. So Kiba was just laughing and laughing and I said, 'Why are you laughing at me?!' and he just kept laughing."
"How is that involve looking underneath the underneath?" Iruka asked.
"Just ignore Kakashi." Said Gai. "He's spouting nonsense."
"Look underneath the underneath!" said Kakashi. "That's how you succeed!"
"He says that about everything." Gai whispered.
That being said, Iruka went to where Kurenai's team was running laps. All the teachers hid someplace far away but close enough so that they could see what was going on.
Kiba, Hinata and Shino came running down the path. Akamaru suddenly started barking. "I know, Akamaru." Said Kiba. "I smelled him too."
"What is it?" asked Shino.
"Iruka's in the bushes up there." Kiba answered.
"He must be going for a walk or reading!" said Hinata. "Let's say hi to him!"
"Okay, Hinata." Said Kiba. They continued running and just when they were about to turn and greet Iruka happily, they were suddenly faced with Iruka diving out of the bushes towards them and knocking them all to the ground while screaming EVER so loudly.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" yelled Kiba, Hinata and Shino as they tumbled to the ground.
"Did I surprise you?" Iruka asked.
"You sure did!" said Hinata as she shook like there was no tomorrow.
"Geez!" said Kiba. "I didn't think you were going to jump out of the bushes! What do you MEAN are we surprised?! That's the understatement of the year!! Of course we are!!"
Iruka looked at Shino who was sitting up. It was the moment of truth. "I think my heart stopped for a moment there." He said finally.
"YES!" said Iruka, jumping to his feet and doing a little jig.
"Nice job, Iruka." Said Kurenai. "You three, keep running!"
"Right!" said her team as they got up and ran off.
"You have done the impossible!" said Asuma. "AGAIN!"
"So can I join your club now?" asked Iruka.
"No, you have to harass my team!" said Gai eagerly.
"What do you want me to do?" Iruka asked.
"While you were off surprising Kurenai's team, we were digging this hole here." Said Kakashi, pointing to a giant hole that was in the middle of the path. "You have to get all of Gai's team members into this hole. All three of them have to be in at the same time. Whether you get them in by pushing them, convincing them or some other method that you can think of, all three must be in it at some point."
"As a forewarning, I have tried this before except it was trying to get them on a rock." Said Gai. "And I just could not get Neji to stand on the rock. I don't know why, he just didn't want to stand on it."
"He's a defiant little bastard." Said Kurenai.
"Kind of like Kiba?" said Kakashi.
"Kind of like Sasuke!!" Kurenai yelled back.
"Not like Shikamaru because he's a chuunin!" said Asuma.
"Just so you know, they're all in Neji's favorite training area." Said Gai to Iruka, just to change the subject. "We'll be waiting over there!"
The four jounins ran off and hid in a bush as Iruka made his way to Neji's favorite training area. He knew exactly where it was because that's where he had seen Neji doing the Macarena.
"Hey guys!" said Iruka as he walked over. Neji, Lee and Tenten all looked up from their current training exercises. "Gai told me to tell you that he has this awesome new training exercise and he wants you to come with me."
"…Okay." Said the team more or less together as they followed Iruka over to where the hole was.
"He said that it was going to involve this hole…" said Iruka. "I don't exactly know what it's all about but he said that he wanted you all to be in this whole by the time he got here."
"What Gai says goes!!" said Lee as he leapt into the hole. "Come on, everybody!! We don't want to disappoint Gai!"
"I guess." Said Tenten as she climbed down into the hole as well.
"I think I'll wait until Gai gets here." Said Neji.
"No, he said he needed you all to be in it when he got here." Iruka said.
"What could we possibly do while we're in a hole?" Neji said.
"I don't know, I'm not Gai." Iruka said. "But he said it would be really beneficial to you all. Especially you, Neji. But you have to get in the hole."
"I don't think I want to get in the hole." Neji said.
"Come on, Neji!" said Tenten with a sigh.
"No, I'm wearing a white shirt." Neji said.
"You're ALWAYS wearing a white shirt!" Lee said.
"No, I get the feeling that Iruka wants us to get in this hole for some other reason and Gai has NOTHING to do with this." Said Neji.
"No, Gai asked me to make sure you all got in this hole!" Iruka said. And it wasn't a lie either.
"I don't think so." Said Neji, crossing his arms.
Iruka looked over to where all the jounins were seated watching his every move. Just when he thought he was going to have to give up, he just looked at Neji standing less than a foot away from the hole and not really playing attention to him. Promptly, he extended his arms slightly and shoved Neji in the direction of the hole, making him fall into it.
"HURRAY!!" cheered Gai, pulling a confetti ball on Iruka.
"Wha?" said Tenten and Lee. Neji was still in shock because his back was at the bottom of the hole and his legs were straight up in the air so he was quite stuck.
"Don't worry team, you'll all get special points for this." Said Gai. "Especially you, Lee! You got right in there! But not you, Neji, because you had to be pushed and, even though we actually WERE up to no good, I don't like that you suspected me so quickly!!"
"…" said Neji.
"So I'm up for letting Iruka in our club." Said Gai as he wrapped his arm around Iruka. "He has my vote!"
"All right!" said Iruka. The five of them starting walking away as Lee and Tenten tried to help Neji out of the hole.
"But what about my team?" asked Kakashi. "He hasn't harassed my team yet."
"Yeah, we can't officially vote until AFTER he's harassed Kakashi's team." Asuma agreed.
"I'm ready!" said Iruka. "What do you want me to do to them?"
"I want you to make Sakura love Naruto and make Naruto and Sasuke become best friends and have Sasuke love Sakura." Kakashi said.
"…That's impossible!!" said Iruka.
"Come on, Kakashi, that's a little TOO hard." Said Kurenai.
"He's done everything else." Said Kakashi. "I mean, he kept Chouji from eating, he got Shino to admit that something surprised him and he pushed Neji in a hole! Why wouldn't he be able to do what I ask of him?"
"He's not a miracle worker." Said Asuma.
"Maybe if he looked underneath the underneath—"
"No, Kakashi, think of something else." Said Gai.
"Fine…" said Kakashi as he rubbed his chin. "You have to make Sasuke laugh hysterically at something…but not even have Naruto crack a smile."
"What about Sakura?" asked Iruka.
"Uh…I don't care." Said Kakashi. "Oh, I know. You have to get her to do absolutely nothing the whole time you're there. But don't worry, that part is easy since she doesn't do anything anyway."
"Kakashi, that first part might also be impossible." Said Kurenai.
"No, he MUST do this one." Kakashi said firmly. "I refuse to think of another one."
"We could help you think." Asuma offered.
"No, he HAS to do it." Kakashi said.
"I can do this one." Said Iruka in a determined voice.
"I'll be rooting for you!" said Gai.
"Me too!" said Asuma.
"I'm on the fence." Kurenai admitted.
"It depends on how you perform in this last test." Kakashi said.
"Wait…is this some kind of looking underneath the underneath thing in which I have to find some sort of hidden meaning of what you said?" Iruka checked quickly.
"Yes." Said Kakashi.
"No, it's not." Said Gai. "Ignore him. What he said is what you have to do."
"But do you even know what I said?" said Kakashi. "You have to look underneath the underneath!"
"SHUT UP!!!" yelled the other three jounins.
"So where can I find them?" asked Iruka.
"That's right!" said Kakashi, slapping his forehead. "I told them to meet me at the bridge this morning. They're probably still there."
"All right!" said Iruka. All five of them went to the bridge but the four jounins hid in the bushes as Iruka walked over. Sure enough, the three members of Kakashi's team were still waiting there.
"Hi everybody!" said Iruka.
"HI IRUKA!!" yelled Naruto.
"Hi." Said Sakura. Sasuke only kind of looked vaguely in Iruka's direction since he was currently superior to the world.
"Naruto, I'm not going to buy you ANY ramen for a really long time." Said Iruka right off the bat just to keep Naruto from smiling.
"What?!" demanded Naruto. "WHY?!"
"Because I don't feel like it." Iruka said. "I've spent way to much money on you. So anyway, Sasuke, why was six afraid of seven?"
"Because seven ate nine?" Sasuke said.
"RIGHT!" said Iruka as he pretended to laugh hysterically but when he noticed that Sasuke wasn't moving. "Uh…why did the chicken cross the road?"
"I don't like jokes." Sasuke said.
"Um…" said Iruka, looking puzzled. During all the time he had taught Sasuke, he had never really seen him happy…at least, not AFTER the clan was wiped out. He had no idea what would make Sasuke laugh, if there was anything that would do that at all.
But then he took notice of a bee that landed on Sasuke's neck.
"Don't move, Sasuke." He said. "You have a bee on your neck."
"It's crawling around on me…" said Sasuke, leaning over. "I can feel it…"
"I'll get it off." Said Iruka as he watched Sasuke hunch his shoulder up from the feeling of the furry little legs of the bee scurrying around on his neck. There's only one reason why someone would do that. If they were TICKLISH! Oh yeah, he had just looked underneath the underneath.
"I'll help!" said Sakura, stepping forward.
"Wait!" said Iruka, remembering that Sakura wasn't supposed to do anything at all. "You have a be on you too!" She immediately froze.
"I'll help you!" said Naruto to Sakura.
"NO!!" yelled Sakura, which made Naruto even sadder.
"I'll help you as soon as I finish helping Sasuke." Said Iruka as he walked up to Sasuke and started brushing at the bee. It immediately flew away. "Oh, it's still there!" he said as he continued brushing at Sasuke's neck. "It just crawled down your shirt! Don't worry, though, I'll get the little devil!"
He continued to brush Sasuke's neck, arm and back, and could clearly tell that he was trying not to laugh. And, even though Sasuke was feeling extremely uncomfortable with the whole situation, his legs suddenly buckled underneath him and he fell to the ground. But Iruka didn't stop! "It's still on you!" he said. "I can see it!!"
"Stop!!" Sasuke yelled but at that point, it was too much. He burst out into hysterical laughter and, as soon as he did, Iruka stopped and stood up looking proud of himself.
"I did it!!" he announced.
"Is the bee gone?" said Sasuke, taking a deep breath and wiping the tears of laughter from his eye. Naruto raised his camera and took a picture.
"Uh…yeah!" said Iruka. "And yours is gone too, Sakura!! And Naruto, I was just kidding about what I said earlier!" Then he skipped off to where the jounins were waiting while singing the Smurf theme song.
"Dear lord." Said Asuma. "You are incredible."
"Strangely pedophiliac, yet effective." Kakashi said.
"I can't believe you got Sasuke to laugh like that." Said Kurenai.
"I can't believe you got him to laugh period." Said Gai.
"Frankly, Iruka, I thought you were going to lose it once he shot down your jokes but then I saw you look underneath the underneath and I was all like… man, he has to be in our club." Kakashi said.
"I DID look underneath the underneath!" said Iruka. "The rest of you guys were wrong!"
"Right…" said everyone else, avoiding eye contact.
"So, let's go have a Teacher and Jounin and Chuunin Party!" said Asuma. "Okay?"
"OKAY!!" cheered everyone, including Asuma.