Survivor: Hawaii (the lost season)
by Alliance Webb
disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or its characters or places nor Survivor or any ideas related to it.
Survivor Hawaii as told by Harry Potter...
Day 1: Well, I agreed to do this thing they like to call Survivor - some big hit reality show. I showed up and there's this Jeff guy who started talking. He explained some rules blah blah blah was all I heard. Looking around I saw Hermione and Ron, maybe this'll be fun. I also saw Malfoy and his posse of Crabbe and Goyle. Cho Chang was there, and I think the nasty Slytherin Pansy girl. They're all stupid fools - do they really expect to win against the boy who lived? Posh. (a/n: yes, posh) Jeff took our wands - damn mother. We were split into two tribey thingys. Gryffindor and Slytherin - go figure. We have Cho, take that Malfoy! We arrived at camp. All we've got are pots and pans and a swordy thing and spear with a leathery strap on it. They're not even magic, I'm starting to have second thoughts about this.
Day 2: Tree mail! Wahoo - it's tree mail! What's tree mail? Hermione explained everything about it, would you guess it - this Survivor thing - it's a big hit in the muggle world, I should start watching more tv. Miss Smartypants acts like she always knows everything, she's starting to get annoying, I think she's got a thing for Ron, I'll kill her if she does anything. He's mine bitch! At the reward challenge Cho's face fell into my lap - it's enough reward for me. Slytherin won that one (of course I let them) they won't win again.
Day 3: Is Malfoy built or what? Today at the Immunity challenge he used my ass as a broom. I didn't mind too much, he looked good while he was doing it so it all turned out okay in the end (yes, once again, I allowed that to happen.) When we got back to the camp Hermione started this thing she pretended to call strategy, she got a little to close to Ronnikins so I had to move in. I haven't had a glass of water in three days, my poor skin can't take this kind of abuse. This sun is really having a number on my skin - I need some serious SPF here, maybe when I get home I can talk to Professor Snape about some of his skin healing potions, don't tell Ron and Hermione that I talk to the old oaf. Well, we have to vote someone out I guess - something like that - Hermione was explaining it all earlier. I heard a little bit along the lines of blah blah blah - she has so got to go. When we went up to the tribal council thing - we got to light torches. Fire! You can't believe how close I was to lighting that fluff ball Hermione calls hair on fire. Jeff talked some more. Is it just me or does he have a really nice smile? Anyway, we voted by writing names on little scrap pieces of paper and putting them in a jar. Jeff came out and read the votes. Hermione is so gone - thank the gods - her time was past due. I celebrate secretly as we return to the camp. Ronny looks a little upset - no worries, we can cuddle tonight and Harry will make everything all better.
Day 4: Ron's feeling better now - we went fishing together. Cho's doing great too - damn does she look hot in that thong bikini.
Day 5: More tree mail! Yippee! For some reason I just don't get the same excitement as the others. I don't know, there's something about pulling threatening letters out of a tree that doesn't get to me. We lost again, boy even Goyle looks like he's been working out lately, they're all built.
Day 6: At the Immunity challenge Cho pulled off a stunning victory when her bikini top accidentally slipped off. Everyone except Pansy dropped everything they were doing and stared. She was just able to coax me and Ron into crossing the finish line with her. She's so athletic - much more so than Pansy. Wait - did she do that to get at Ron? Oh - she'll die if she tries anything.
Day 7: Everything's great the three of us cuddled last night, best night's - well I didn't exactly sleep - of my life. No clean sanitary water for 7 days - I guess I can try a sip of Cho's 'sanitized' water.
Day 8: Tree mail. I think I heard Cho say something about how she bets we're going to merge - sounds like a good thing to me. When we arrive at the reward's challenge we see that Crabbe's gone (good choice) and Jeff smiles (beautiful smile.) He says we're merging and that we're going to go to another island to finish the game and as a reward everyone gets wine and steak. All the gods are smiling upon me. When we got to our new island we immediately started drinking. Oh it was great wine - great wine indeed. Now excuse me, I think Goyle's hitting on Ron.
Day 9: Woke up naked between Cho and Malfoy. Odd, I don't remember any of this. Where's Ron? He's not with anyone else is he? When I got up I saw him laying with Pansy - she's the next to go damn woman. Ron got upset when I tore them apart, I think it was just because I was still naked. We go to the Immunity Challenge. Only one of us gets to win it. Well, we all know it's going to be mine. Actually, I decided that Goyle looked good enough today - I let him win. At the tribal council we had to vote again. Bye bye Pansy - she's so gone. I was able to talk Ron and Cho into voting her off. Cho had both Goyle and Malfoy voting with her. There's five of us left.
Day 10: Found Ron comfying up with Goyle. I'm starting to think that my baby Ronnikins is not that innocent (a/n: damn, am I gonna be sued by Britney Spears now - I guess I should say that I don't own that song.) Damn Ron screws me over again and he's gone.
Day 11: Tree mail! Another reward challenge. I let Cho win this one, figured she'd take me with her. She took Malfoy - must be strategy, good on her, I'm proud.
Day 12: Well, I think everything's going just fine. Cho's playing pretend to make everyone think her and Malfoy are together. She sent me looks and I read them to say that I really am the only Potter in her life and that she's just doing it to help us win the game. What a brave woman. I suspect she took it a little far, though, at the Immunity Challenge when she put the water in my bucket rather than Goyle's like we planned. I won anyway. Victory to me - see - I can win these things. I'm happy and we plan to oust Malfoy. Time to get him to go - he'll never expect it when he finds out his sweet woman voted against him. They said something about whoever goes tonight becomes a member of the jury. Is that a good thing? Maybe I should have reconcidered winning this immunity thing. Oh, but the necklace is so pretty - I think I'll keep it. Jeff looks hotter than ever, do you think I'll be able to get an autograph when I win? Hmm, maybe Cho's taking it a little too far - quite a surprise when Ron was ousted. Maybe we can cuddle tonight.
Day 13: No cuddling, she cuddled with Malfoy again last night, things are getting a little uncomfortable, I'd settle for that threesome thing again.
Day 14: Tree mail. Getting boring - I mean tree mail - mail from a tree - not really that exciting is it? Well, another reward's challenge, this time Goyle won. He got to choose who ate what food and such. I was stuck with rice and water, Cho got oreos and milk, Draco got a hamburger with soda, and Goyle took the steak with beer. Damn them all - except Cho. I smiled at her today and she smiled back. It's our language, she's still on my side - I can just feel it.
Day 15: Wow, things are getting uncomfortable - woke up naked with Goyle this time - suspect he has to go. Draco won the immunity challenge, damn him, guess Goyle's really gone this time. Overheard Cho and Draco talking, the sweet girl's still saving me. She said that Goyle's too good and that he could win immunity next so they have to get rid of him because they'll beat me with no problem. Delightful woman she is. So Goyle's gone now - I'm in the final three they say - is that a good thing?
Day 16: Same old same old, Cho's still not talking to me. When she flicked me off this morning it was really just sign language for "we've got this one." I'm so excited, I'm the next survivor.
Day 17: Tree mail again. Something about whoever wins gets a car. Draco won again and took Cho to a drive in movie theature. Ha ha, he didn't even know how to start the car - it doesn't use magic. Jeff had to drive him to the movie theature. They came back kissing she said she got a car too.
Day 18: Immunity challenge again. Cho said something along the lines of "you're going down, Potter" to me before we started. Gotta love the girl - her bikini makes her look so hott - I just want to grab her - well you get the drift. I lost again - I should really work on winning those, but Cho won, boy we're going to go on together. When we got to tribal council, she was the only one who got to vote. She wrote my name on the paper. Jeff told me to leave - does that mean I win? They took me on a boat where I met up with Ron, Goyle, and Pansy. I smiled and asked them if I won. They said that Cho got rid of me and that she wanted Draco to go with her instead. Poor woman, she made a mistake, I'm sure there was a reason that she wrote my name - she probably messed up and thought that I would stay if she wrote my name. I hope Draco doesn't do anything to hurt her while I'm gone.
Day 19: Eating fresh fruit - yummy. Then I went to the tribal council thing again. Explained to Cho that I understood what happened. Jeff rolled his eyes at me and called me a freak - it might just work out between us in the end after all. He explains to us exactly what to do and when I vote I write Cho's name down on the paper - she deserves to win.
Many days later at the live showing at Hogwarts Acadamy: Wow, it's been so long. Cho called it off. The bitch actually did want me gone. She said she was in love with Draco. Damnit, Malfoy, she's mine. How could she do this to me? Before Jeff reads the votes he lets Draco and Cho talk. Draco proposes to her - she says yes. Damn them to hell. Jeff finally reads the votes - I suspected he looked at me and smiled a few times. Cho won. Go figure - can I see those bikini shots again - maybe she'll give me an autograph. After the show I go out and get drunk - drunker than a - well drunk person. I'm kind of upset - now I'm gonna have competition - do you know how cute their kids are gonna be? Hopefully it'll back fire and they won't be nearly as cute as I am - whew - that would be good news - I hate when people get almost as cute as me.
Next day: Woke up naked in bed with Jeff - suspect this whole Survivor thing wasn't as bad as I thought.
by Alliance Webb
disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or its characters or places nor Survivor or any ideas related to it.
Survivor Hawaii as told by Harry Potter...
Day 1: Well, I agreed to do this thing they like to call Survivor - some big hit reality show. I showed up and there's this Jeff guy who started talking. He explained some rules blah blah blah was all I heard. Looking around I saw Hermione and Ron, maybe this'll be fun. I also saw Malfoy and his posse of Crabbe and Goyle. Cho Chang was there, and I think the nasty Slytherin Pansy girl. They're all stupid fools - do they really expect to win against the boy who lived? Posh. (a/n: yes, posh) Jeff took our wands - damn mother. We were split into two tribey thingys. Gryffindor and Slytherin - go figure. We have Cho, take that Malfoy! We arrived at camp. All we've got are pots and pans and a swordy thing and spear with a leathery strap on it. They're not even magic, I'm starting to have second thoughts about this.
Day 2: Tree mail! Wahoo - it's tree mail! What's tree mail? Hermione explained everything about it, would you guess it - this Survivor thing - it's a big hit in the muggle world, I should start watching more tv. Miss Smartypants acts like she always knows everything, she's starting to get annoying, I think she's got a thing for Ron, I'll kill her if she does anything. He's mine bitch! At the reward challenge Cho's face fell into my lap - it's enough reward for me. Slytherin won that one (of course I let them) they won't win again.
Day 3: Is Malfoy built or what? Today at the Immunity challenge he used my ass as a broom. I didn't mind too much, he looked good while he was doing it so it all turned out okay in the end (yes, once again, I allowed that to happen.) When we got back to the camp Hermione started this thing she pretended to call strategy, she got a little to close to Ronnikins so I had to move in. I haven't had a glass of water in three days, my poor skin can't take this kind of abuse. This sun is really having a number on my skin - I need some serious SPF here, maybe when I get home I can talk to Professor Snape about some of his skin healing potions, don't tell Ron and Hermione that I talk to the old oaf. Well, we have to vote someone out I guess - something like that - Hermione was explaining it all earlier. I heard a little bit along the lines of blah blah blah - she has so got to go. When we went up to the tribal council thing - we got to light torches. Fire! You can't believe how close I was to lighting that fluff ball Hermione calls hair on fire. Jeff talked some more. Is it just me or does he have a really nice smile? Anyway, we voted by writing names on little scrap pieces of paper and putting them in a jar. Jeff came out and read the votes. Hermione is so gone - thank the gods - her time was past due. I celebrate secretly as we return to the camp. Ronny looks a little upset - no worries, we can cuddle tonight and Harry will make everything all better.
Day 4: Ron's feeling better now - we went fishing together. Cho's doing great too - damn does she look hot in that thong bikini.
Day 5: More tree mail! Yippee! For some reason I just don't get the same excitement as the others. I don't know, there's something about pulling threatening letters out of a tree that doesn't get to me. We lost again, boy even Goyle looks like he's been working out lately, they're all built.
Day 6: At the Immunity challenge Cho pulled off a stunning victory when her bikini top accidentally slipped off. Everyone except Pansy dropped everything they were doing and stared. She was just able to coax me and Ron into crossing the finish line with her. She's so athletic - much more so than Pansy. Wait - did she do that to get at Ron? Oh - she'll die if she tries anything.
Day 7: Everything's great the three of us cuddled last night, best night's - well I didn't exactly sleep - of my life. No clean sanitary water for 7 days - I guess I can try a sip of Cho's 'sanitized' water.
Day 8: Tree mail. I think I heard Cho say something about how she bets we're going to merge - sounds like a good thing to me. When we arrive at the reward's challenge we see that Crabbe's gone (good choice) and Jeff smiles (beautiful smile.) He says we're merging and that we're going to go to another island to finish the game and as a reward everyone gets wine and steak. All the gods are smiling upon me. When we got to our new island we immediately started drinking. Oh it was great wine - great wine indeed. Now excuse me, I think Goyle's hitting on Ron.
Day 9: Woke up naked between Cho and Malfoy. Odd, I don't remember any of this. Where's Ron? He's not with anyone else is he? When I got up I saw him laying with Pansy - she's the next to go damn woman. Ron got upset when I tore them apart, I think it was just because I was still naked. We go to the Immunity Challenge. Only one of us gets to win it. Well, we all know it's going to be mine. Actually, I decided that Goyle looked good enough today - I let him win. At the tribal council we had to vote again. Bye bye Pansy - she's so gone. I was able to talk Ron and Cho into voting her off. Cho had both Goyle and Malfoy voting with her. There's five of us left.
Day 10: Found Ron comfying up with Goyle. I'm starting to think that my baby Ronnikins is not that innocent (a/n: damn, am I gonna be sued by Britney Spears now - I guess I should say that I don't own that song.) Damn Ron screws me over again and he's gone.
Day 11: Tree mail! Another reward challenge. I let Cho win this one, figured she'd take me with her. She took Malfoy - must be strategy, good on her, I'm proud.
Day 12: Well, I think everything's going just fine. Cho's playing pretend to make everyone think her and Malfoy are together. She sent me looks and I read them to say that I really am the only Potter in her life and that she's just doing it to help us win the game. What a brave woman. I suspect she took it a little far, though, at the Immunity Challenge when she put the water in my bucket rather than Goyle's like we planned. I won anyway. Victory to me - see - I can win these things. I'm happy and we plan to oust Malfoy. Time to get him to go - he'll never expect it when he finds out his sweet woman voted against him. They said something about whoever goes tonight becomes a member of the jury. Is that a good thing? Maybe I should have reconcidered winning this immunity thing. Oh, but the necklace is so pretty - I think I'll keep it. Jeff looks hotter than ever, do you think I'll be able to get an autograph when I win? Hmm, maybe Cho's taking it a little too far - quite a surprise when Ron was ousted. Maybe we can cuddle tonight.
Day 13: No cuddling, she cuddled with Malfoy again last night, things are getting a little uncomfortable, I'd settle for that threesome thing again.
Day 14: Tree mail. Getting boring - I mean tree mail - mail from a tree - not really that exciting is it? Well, another reward's challenge, this time Goyle won. He got to choose who ate what food and such. I was stuck with rice and water, Cho got oreos and milk, Draco got a hamburger with soda, and Goyle took the steak with beer. Damn them all - except Cho. I smiled at her today and she smiled back. It's our language, she's still on my side - I can just feel it.
Day 15: Wow, things are getting uncomfortable - woke up naked with Goyle this time - suspect he has to go. Draco won the immunity challenge, damn him, guess Goyle's really gone this time. Overheard Cho and Draco talking, the sweet girl's still saving me. She said that Goyle's too good and that he could win immunity next so they have to get rid of him because they'll beat me with no problem. Delightful woman she is. So Goyle's gone now - I'm in the final three they say - is that a good thing?
Day 16: Same old same old, Cho's still not talking to me. When she flicked me off this morning it was really just sign language for "we've got this one." I'm so excited, I'm the next survivor.
Day 17: Tree mail again. Something about whoever wins gets a car. Draco won again and took Cho to a drive in movie theature. Ha ha, he didn't even know how to start the car - it doesn't use magic. Jeff had to drive him to the movie theature. They came back kissing she said she got a car too.
Day 18: Immunity challenge again. Cho said something along the lines of "you're going down, Potter" to me before we started. Gotta love the girl - her bikini makes her look so hott - I just want to grab her - well you get the drift. I lost again - I should really work on winning those, but Cho won, boy we're going to go on together. When we got to tribal council, she was the only one who got to vote. She wrote my name on the paper. Jeff told me to leave - does that mean I win? They took me on a boat where I met up with Ron, Goyle, and Pansy. I smiled and asked them if I won. They said that Cho got rid of me and that she wanted Draco to go with her instead. Poor woman, she made a mistake, I'm sure there was a reason that she wrote my name - she probably messed up and thought that I would stay if she wrote my name. I hope Draco doesn't do anything to hurt her while I'm gone.
Day 19: Eating fresh fruit - yummy. Then I went to the tribal council thing again. Explained to Cho that I understood what happened. Jeff rolled his eyes at me and called me a freak - it might just work out between us in the end after all. He explains to us exactly what to do and when I vote I write Cho's name down on the paper - she deserves to win.
Many days later at the live showing at Hogwarts Acadamy: Wow, it's been so long. Cho called it off. The bitch actually did want me gone. She said she was in love with Draco. Damnit, Malfoy, she's mine. How could she do this to me? Before Jeff reads the votes he lets Draco and Cho talk. Draco proposes to her - she says yes. Damn them to hell. Jeff finally reads the votes - I suspected he looked at me and smiled a few times. Cho won. Go figure - can I see those bikini shots again - maybe she'll give me an autograph. After the show I go out and get drunk - drunker than a - well drunk person. I'm kind of upset - now I'm gonna have competition - do you know how cute their kids are gonna be? Hopefully it'll back fire and they won't be nearly as cute as I am - whew - that would be good news - I hate when people get almost as cute as me.
Next day: Woke up naked in bed with Jeff - suspect this whole Survivor thing wasn't as bad as I thought.