What She Really Means is.......
By: Evil Superman

Summary: Colonel O'Neill's guide to translating what the doc really means when she says....

Rating: PG

Warnings: none

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s). 'means thought' "means speech" (means actions)

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Jack's POV

'Well here we are stuck in the infirmary yet again after a mission gone wrong. Yeah sure those natives were real friendly Danny-boy let me tell ya. Oh well I guess I can't get to mad at him, I mean the guy did mange to help get us out of there before things got any worse then they already were.

Besides this gives me the perfect chance to finish my 'Guide to translating what the doc really means when she says...' You see I figured that since I've spent so munch time here in the infirmary and what not that I should share my wisdom with all the other poor unlucky souls that come under the 'napolionic power mongrels' care.

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(By the next morning copies of 'Colonel O'Neill's guide to translating what the doc really means when she says........' were e-mailed and posted all over the base.)

'Hey Colonel O'Neill here and I know you you're all going what
the hell is this all about? well I'll tell you. See since I spend so
much time in the infirmary and what not I decide to share with you my
wisdom
with you all and let you really know what the docs saying.'

When she says..... "Well, what have we here...?" she really means she has no idea and is hoping you'll give her a clue.

When she says.... "So, not feeling so well today,....?" she really means I'm stalling for time.

When she says..."If it doesn't clear up in a week, come back in." she really means I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

When she says....."Let me check your medical record." she really means I want to see if its time for me to poke you with really bid needles.

When she says..."Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news." she really means The good news is, I'm going to home for a nice relaxing weekend. The bad news is, you're going to be stuck in here for the weekend.

When she says..."This should be taken care of right away." she really means I have plans next month, and really don't want them to be interupted so I'll do it now.

When she says..."Let me schedule you for some lab tests." she really means I get a twenty percent raise on my check each time the lab gets used.

When she says..."Let's see how it develops." she really means Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that really needs to be cured.

When she says... "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." she really means I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

When she says.."That's quite a nasty looking wound." she really means That can't be good and/or I going to let one of the other medics take care of it.

When she says.."This may hurt a little." she really means Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues when I did this.

When she says.."This should fix you up." she really means The higher ups are paying me extra to prescribe this stuff. Hope it works...

When she says..."Everything seems to be normal." she really means Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

When she says.."I'd like to run some more tests." she really means I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

And so there you have it the true
meaning of what the doc is really saying.
so rember doc might not
always mean what she's saying.
Colonel Jack O'Neill.

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'Uh oh...I take it by the sound of the docs voice she's not to happy about the recent memo that I spread around the base. Crap she spotted me and is heading this way. Damm she's even got Carter with her. I think now would be a really good time to go find Teal'c and get him to watch my six since Daniel is currently off world and Carter is an obvious turn coat.'

"Hey Teal'c don't mind me I'm just going to hide in here for awhile, so keep doing what ever it is that you're doing"

"Of course O'Neill" (Teal'c then gets up and goes to the phone) "Doctor Fraiser...yes Colonel O'Neill is in my quarters."

'Who wait a min. Teal'c what are you doing? Ah for cryin' out loud she even got Teal'c to turn against me, see if I ever help them out of a jam again and boy are they going to pay for for their betrayal. But that can wait for later right now that vaction time is really looking good.

'Man O'Neill this was definetly not one of your smarter ideas, but then again you never were known for your smart ideas.'
Fin.