Chicago 2004, a misc. plays/musicals fanfic

And All That Jazz:

[LAWHINEY]

Come on mice

Why don't we paint the town?

And all that Jazz

I'm gonna rouge my knees

And roll my stockings down

And all that jazz

Start the plane

I know a whoopee spot

Where the gin is cold

But the piano's hot

It's just a noisy hall

Where there's a nightly brawl

And all

That

Jazz

[OLIVER & COMPANY]

Skidoo!

[LAWHINEY]

And all that Jazz

[OLIVER & COMPANY]

Hotcha!

Whoopee!

[LAWHINEY]

And all that Jazz

[OLIVER & COMPANY]

Ha! Ha! Ha!

[LAWHINEY]

So lick your hair

And wear your buckle shoes

And all that Jazz

I hear that Father Scat

Is gonna blow the blues

And all that Jazz

Hold on, mice

We're gonna bunny hug

I bought some aspirin

Down at United Drug

I case you shake apart

And want a brand new start

To do that-

[GADGET]

Jazz

[LAWHINEY]

Find a flask

We're playing fast and loose

[ALL]

And all that jazz

[LAWHINEY]

Right up here

Is where I store the juice

[ALL]

And all that jazz

[LAWHINEY]

Come on, mice

We're gonna brush the sky

I bet you luck Lindy

Never flew so high

'Cause in the stratosphere

How could he lend an ear

to all that Jazz?

[LAWHINEY]

Oh, you're gonna see your sheba shimmy shake

[OLIVER & COMPANY]

And all that jazz

[LAWHINEY]

Oh, she's gonna shimmy 'till her garters break

[OLIVER & COMPANY]

And all that jazz

[LAWHINEY]

Show her where to park her girdle

Oh, her mother's blood'd curdle

[OLIVER & COMPANY]

If she'd hear her baby's queer

For all that jazz

[LAWHINEY]

And all that jazz

Come on babe

Why don't we paint

The town?

And all that jazz

I'm gonna

Rouge my knees

And roll my

Stockings down

And all that jazz

Start the car

I know a whoopee spot

Where the gin is cold

But the piano's hot

It's just a noisy hall

Where there's a nightly brawl

And all that-

[OLIVER & COMPANY]

jazz

[LAWHINEY]

No, I'm no one's wife

But, Oh, I love my life

And all that Jazz!

[OLIVER & COMPANY]

That Jazz!

The Junk Yard Tango:

[JENNY]

Pop

[ROSE]

Six

[TRIXIE]

Squish

[BUSTER]

Uh uh

[LAWHINEY]

Cicero

[TRAMP]

Lipschitz!

[JENNY]

Pop

[ROSE]

Six

[TRIXIE]

Squish

[BUSTER]

Uh uh

[LAWHINEY]

Cicero

[TRAMP]

Lipschitz!

[SCAMP]

And now the six merry murderesses of the Crookem County Jail in their rendition of "The Junk Yard Tango"

[JENNY]

Pop

[ROSE]

Six

[TRIXIE]

Squish

[BUSTER]

Uh uh

[LAWHINEY]

Cicero

[TRAMP]

Lipschitz!

(4X)

[ALL]

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

[LAWHINEY]

I betcha you would have done the same!

[JENNY]

Pop

[ROSE]

Six

[TRIXIE]

Squish

[BUSTER]

Uh uh

[LAWHINEY]

Cicero

[TRAMP]

Lipschitz!

(2X)

[JENNY (Spoken)]

You know how people

have these little habits

That get you down. Like Jenner.

Jenner like to chew gum.

No, not chew. POP. So I came home this one day,

And I am really irritated, and

looking for a little sympathy

and there's Jenner layin'

on the couch, drinkin' a beer

and chewin'. No, not chewin'.

Poppin'. So, I said to him,

I said, "You pop that

gum one more time..."

and he did.

So I took the slingshot off the wall

and I fired two warning shots...

...into his head.

[ALL]

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have heard it

I betcha you would

Have done the same!

[ROSE (Spoken)]

I met Thunderbolt Young from

New York city about two years ago

and he told me he was single

and we hit it off right away.

So, we started living together.

He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd

fix him a drink, We'd have dinner.

And then I found out,

"Single" he told me?

Single, my ass. Not only

was he married

...oh, no, he had six wives.

One of those Mormons, you know. So that

night, when he came home, I fixed him

his drink as usual.

You know, some dogs just can't hold

their arsenic.

[ALL]

He had it coming

He took a flower

In its prime

And then he used it

And he abused it

It was a murder

But not a crime!

[TRIXIE (Spoken)]

Now, I'm standing in the kitchen

carvin' up the chicken for dinner,

minding my own business,

and in storms my husband Sullivan,

in a jealous rage.

"You been screwin' the milkman,"

he says. He was crazy

and he kept screamin',

"you been screwin the milkman."

And then he ran into my knife.

He ran into my knife ten times!

[ALL]

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

I betcha you would have done the same!

[BUSTER (Spoken in Hungarian)]

Mit kersek, en itt? Azt mondjok, hogy a hires lakem lefogta a ferjemet en meg

lecsaptam a fejet. De nem igaz, en artatlan

vagyok. Nem tudom mert mondja

Uncle Sam hogy en tettem. probaltam

a rendorsegen megmayarazni de nem ertettek meg...

[TRIXIE (Spoken)]

Yeah, but di you do it?

[BUSTER]

UH UH, not guilty!

[LAWHINEY]

My sister, Cornflower and

I did this double act

and my mousemaid, Shaka,

used to travel round with us.

Now, for the last number in our act,

we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row

One,two,three,four,five...splits, spread eagles,

back flips,flip flops, one right after the other.

So this one night before the show we're down at the hotel Cicero,the three of us,boozin', havin' a few laughs and

we ran out of ice, so I go out to get some.

I come back, open the door, and there's Cornflower and Shaka doing Number Seventeen the spread eagle.

Well, I was in such a state of shock,

I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing.

It wasn't until later,

when I was washing the blood off my hands

I even knew they were dead.

[LAWHINEY]

They had it coming

[GIRLS]

They had it coming

[LAWHINEY]

They had it coming

[GIRLS]

They had it coming

[LAWHINEY]

They had it coming all along

[GIRLS]

They had it coming all along

[LAWHINEY]

I didn't do it

[GIRLS]

She didn't do it

[LAWHINEY]

But if I done it

[GIRLS]

But if she done it

[LAWHINEY]

How could you tell me that I was wrong?

[LAWHINEY]

They had it coming

[GIRLS]

They had it coming

[LAWHINEY]

They had it coming

[GIRLS]

They had it coming

[LAWHINEY]

They had it coming

[GIRLS]

They took a flower

[LAWHINEY]

All along

[GIRLS]

In its prime

[LAWHINEY]

I didn't do it

[GIRLS]

And then they used it

[LAWHINEY]

But if I'd done it,

How could you tell me that I was wrong?

[TRAMP(Spoken)]

I loved Al Lightning more than I can possibly say.

He was a real artistic guy...

sensitive... a painter.

But he was always trying

to find himself.

He'd go out every night

looking for himself

and on the way

he found Rose,

Rita,

Georgette and Tito.

I guess you can say we broke

up because of artistic differences.

He saw himself as alive

and I saw him dead.

[ALL]

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

[Hyenas]

They had it comin'

[Dibbuns]

They had it comin'

[Hyenas]

They had it comin'

[Dibbuns]

They had it comin'

[Hyenas]

They had it comin'

[Dibbuns]

They had it comin'

[Hyenas]

All along

[Dibbuns]

All along

[Hyenas]

'Cause if they used us

[Dibbuns]

'Cause if they used us

[Hyenas]

And they abused us

[Dibbuns]

And they abused us

[ALL]

How could you tell us that we were wrong?

[Hyenas]

He had it coming

[Dibbuns]

He had it coming

[Hyenas]

He only had himself to blame.

[Dibbuns]

He only had himself to blame.

[Hyenas]

If you'd have been there

[Dibbuns]

If you'd have been there

[Hyenas]

If you'd have seen it

[Dibbuns]

If you'd have seen it

[ALL]

I betcha you would have done the same!

[JENNY (Spoken)]

You pop that gum one more time!

[ROSE (spoken)]

Single my ass.

[TRIXIE (Spoken)]

Ten times!

[BUSTER (Spoken)]

Miert csukott Uncle Same bortonbe.

[LAWHINEY (Spoken)]

Number seventeen-the spread eagle.

[TRAMP (Spoken)]

Artistic differences.

[JENNY]

Pop

[ROSE]

Six

[TRIXIE]

Squish

[BUSTER]

Uh uh

[LAWHINEY]

Cicero

[TRAMP]

Lipschitz!

Constance:

[CONSTANCE]

Ask any of the chickies in my pen

They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother hen

I love 'em all and all of them love me

Because the system works

The system called reciprocity...

Got a little motto

Always sees me through

When you're good to Constance

Constance good to you.

There's a lot of favors

I'm prepared to do

You do one for Constance

She'll do one for you.

They say that life is tit for tat

And that's the way I live

So, I deserve a lot of tat

For what I've got to give

Don't you know that this hand

Washes that one too

When you're good to Constance

Constance good to you!

If you want my gravy

Pepper my ragout

Spice it up for Constance

She'll get hot for you

When they pass that basket

Folk contribut to

You out in for Constance

She'll put out for you

The folks atop the ladder

Are the ones the world adores

So boost me up my ladder, Kid

And I'll boost you up yours

Let's all stroke together

Like the Princeton crew

When you're strokin' Constance

Constance strokin' you

So what's the one conclusion

I can bring this number to?

When you're good to Constance

Constance good to you!

Gadget:

GADGET]

The name on everybody's lips

Is gonna be Gadget

The mouse raking in the chips

Is gonna be Gadget

I'm gonna be a celebrity

That means

Somebody everyone knows

They('re) gonna recognize my eyes

My hair my teeth my boobs my nose

From just some dumb mechanics wife

I'm gonna be Gadget

Who says that murder's not an art?

And who in case she doesn't hang

Can say she started with a bang?

Gadget Hart!

Mice...

[MICE]

They're gonna wait outside in line

To get to see

[GADGET]

Gadget

Think of those autographs

I'll sign,

'Good luck to ya,'

[MICE]

Gadget

[GADGET]

And I'll appear

In a lavalier that goes

All the way down to my waist

[MICE]

Here a ring,

There a ring,

Everywhere a-ring-a-ling

[GADGET]

But always in the best of taste!

(spoken)

Mmmm, I'm a star!

And the audience loves me!

And I love them

And they love me for loving them

And I love them for loving me

And we love each other

And that's because none of us

Got enough love in our childhoods

And that's showbiz

Kid

[MICE]

She's given up her RR life

[GADGET]

I'm gonna be sing it

[MICE]

Gadget

She made a scandal and a start

[GADGET]

And Foxglove Tucker will shit

I know

To see her name get billed below

Gadget Hart

[MICE]

Gadget...

Rox-ie...

Gadget...

And All That Jazz:

[LAWHINEY]

Come on mice

Why don't we paint the town?

And all that Jazz

I'm gonna rouge my knees

And roll my stockings down

And all that jazz

Start the plane

I know a whoopee spot

Where the gin is cold

But the piano's hot

It's just a noisy hall

Where there's a nightly brawl

And all

That

Jazz

[OLIVER & COMPANY]

Skidoo!

[LAWHINEY]

And all that Jazz

[OLIVER & COMPANY]

Hotcha!

Whoopee!

[LAWHINEY]

And all that Jazz

[OLIVER & COMPANY]

Ha! Ha! Ha!

[LAWHINEY]

So lick your hair

And wear your buckle shoes

And all that Jazz

I hear that Father Scat

Is gonna blow the blues

And all that Jazz

Hold on, mice

We're gonna bunny hug

I bought some aspirin

Down at United Drug

I case you shake apart

And want a brand new start

To do that-

[GADGET]

Jazz

[LAWHINEY]

Find a flask

We're playing fast and loose

[ALL]

And all that jazz

[LAWHINEY]

Right up here

Is where I store the juice

[ALL]

And all that jazz

[LAWHINEY]

Come on, mice

We're gonna brush the sky

I bet you luck Lindy

Never flew so high

'Cause in the stratosphere

How could he lend an ear

to all that Jazz?

[LAWHINEY]

Oh, you're gonna see your sheba shimmy shake

[OLIVER & COMPANY]

And all that jazz

[LAWHINEY]

Oh, she's gonna shimmy 'till her garters break

[OLIVER & COMPANY]

And all that jazz

[LAWHINEY]

Show her where to park her girdle

Oh, her mother's blood'd curdle

[OLIVER & COMPANY]

If she'd hear her baby's queer

For all that jazz

[LAWHINEY]

And all that jazz

Come on babe

Why don't we paint

The town?

And all that jazz

I'm gonna

Rouge my knees

And roll my

Stockings down

And all that jazz

Start the car

I know a whoopee spot

Where the gin is cold

But the piano's hot

It's just a noisy hall

Where there's a nightly brawl

And all that-

[OLIVER & COMPANY]

jazz

[LAWHINEY]

No, I'm no one's wife

But, Oh, I love my life

And all that Jazz!

[OLIVER & COMPANY]

That Jazz!

The Junk Yard Tango:

[JENNY]

Pop

[ROSE]

Six

[TRIXIE]

Squish

[BUSTER]

Uh uh

[LAWHINEY]

Cicero

[TRAMP]

Lipschitz!

[JENNY]

Pop

[ROSE]

Six

[TRIXIE]

Squish

[BUSTER]

Uh uh

[LAWHINEY]

Cicero

[TRAMP]

Lipschitz!

[SCAMP]

And now the six merry murderesses of the Crookem County Jail in their rendition of "The Junk Yard Tango"

[JENNY]

Pop

[ROSE]

Six

[TRIXIE]

Squish

[BUSTER]

Uh uh

[LAWHINEY]

Cicero

[TRAMP]

Lipschitz!

(4X)

[ALL]

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

[LAWHINEY]

I betcha you would have done the same!

[JENNY]

Pop

[ROSE]

Six

[TRIXIE]

Squish

[BUSTER]

Uh uh

[LAWHINEY]

Cicero

[TRAMP]

Lipschitz!

(2X)

[JENNY (Spoken)]

You know how people

have these little habits

That get you down. Like Jenner.

Jenner like to chew gum.

No, not chew. POP. So I came home this one day,

And I am really irritated, and

looking for a little sympathy

and there's Jenner layin'

on the couch, drinkin' a beer

and chewin'. No, not chewin'.

Poppin'. So, I said to him,

I said, "You pop that

gum one more time..."

and he did.

So I took the slingshot off the wall

and I fired two warning shots...

...into his head.

[ALL]

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have heard it

I betcha you would

Have done the same!

[ROSE (Spoken)]

I met Thunderbolt Young from

New York city about two years ago

and he told me he was single

and we hit it off right away.

So, we started living together.

He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd

fix him a drink, We'd have dinner.

And then I found out,

"Single" he told me?

Single, my ass. Not only

was he married

...oh, no, he had six wives.

One of those Mormons, you know. So that

night, when he came home, I fixed him

his drink as usual.

You know, some dogs just can't hold

their arsenic.

[ALL]

He had it coming

He took a flower

In its prime

And then he used it

And he abused it

It was a murder

But not a crime!

[TRIXIE (Spoken)]

Now, I'm standing in the kitchen

carvin' up the chicken for dinner,

minding my own business,

and in storms my husband Sullivan,

in a jealous rage.

"You been screwin' the milkman,"

he says. He was crazy

and he kept screamin',

"you been screwin the milkman."

And then he ran into my knife.

He ran into my knife ten times!

[ALL]

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

I betcha you would have done the same!

[BUSTER (Spoken in Hungarian)]

Mit kersek, en itt? Azt mondjok, hogy a hires lakem lefogta a ferjemet en meg

lecsaptam a fejet. De nem igaz, en artatlan

vagyok. Nem tudom mert mondja

Uncle Sam hogy en tettem. probaltam

a rendorsegen megmayarazni de nem ertettek meg...

[TRIXIE (Spoken)]

Yeah, but di you do it?

[BUSTER]

UH UH, not guilty!

[LAWHINEY]

My sister, Cornflower and

I did this double act

and my mousemaid, Shaka,

used to travel round with us.

Now, for the last number in our act,

we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row

One,two,three,four,five...splits, spread eagles,

back flips,flip flops, one right after the other.

So this one night before the show we're down at the hotel Cicero,the three of us,boozin', havin' a few laughs and

we ran out of ice, so I go out to get some.

I come back, open the door, and there's Cornflower and Shaka doing Number Seventeen the spread eagle.

Well, I was in such a state of shock,

I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing.

It wasn't until later,

when I was washing the blood off my hands

I even knew they were dead.

[LAWHINEY]

They had it coming

[GIRLS]

They had it coming

[LAWHINEY]

They had it coming

[GIRLS]

They had it coming

[LAWHINEY]

They had it coming all along

[GIRLS]

They had it coming all along

[LAWHINEY]

I didn't do it

[GIRLS]

She didn't do it

[LAWHINEY]

But if I done it

[GIRLS]

But if she done it

[LAWHINEY]

How could you tell me that I was wrong?

[LAWHINEY]

They had it coming

[GIRLS]

They had it coming

[LAWHINEY]

They had it coming

[GIRLS]

They had it coming

[LAWHINEY]

They had it coming

[GIRLS]

They took a flower

[LAWHINEY]

All along

[GIRLS]

In its prime

[LAWHINEY]

I didn't do it

[GIRLS]

And then they used it

[LAWHINEY]

But if I'd done it,

How could you tell me that I was wrong?

[TRAMP(Spoken)]

I loved Al Lightning more than I can possibly say.

He was a real artistic guy...

sensitive... a painter.

But he was always trying

to find himself.

He'd go out every night

looking for himself

and on the way

he found Rose,

Rita,

Georgette and Tito.

I guess you can say we broke

up because of artistic differences.

He saw himself as alive

and I saw him dead.

[ALL]

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

[Hyenas]

They had it comin'

[Dibbuns]

They had it comin'

[Hyenas]

They had it comin'

[Dibbuns]

They had it comin'

[Hyenas]

They had it comin'

[Dibbuns]

They had it comin'

[Hyenas]

All along

[Dibbuns]

All along

[Hyenas]

'Cause if they used us

[Dibbuns]

'Cause if they used us

[Hyenas]

And they abused us

[Dibbuns]

And they abused us

[ALL]

How could you tell us that we were wrong?

[Hyenas]

He had it coming

[Dibbuns]

He had it coming

[Hyenas]

He only had himself to blame.

[Dibbuns]

He only had himself to blame.

[Hyenas]

If you'd have been there

[Dibbuns]

If you'd have been there

[Hyenas]

If you'd have seen it

[Dibbuns]

If you'd have seen it

[ALL]

I betcha you would have done the same!

[JENNY (Spoken)]

You pop that gum one more time!

[ROSE (spoken)]

Single my ass.

[TRIXIE (Spoken)]

Ten times!

[BUSTER (Spoken)]

Miert csukott Uncle Same bortonbe.

[LAWHINEY (Spoken)]

Number seventeen-the spread eagle.

[TRAMP (Spoken)]

Artistic differences.

[JENNY]

Pop

[ROSE]

Six

[TRIXIE]

Squish

[BUSTER]

Uh uh

[LAWHINEY]

Cicero

[TRAMP]

Lipschitz!

Constance:

[CONSTANCE]

Ask any of the chickies in my pen

They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother hen

I love 'em all and all of them love me

Because the system works

The system called reciprocity...

Got a little motto

Always sees me through

When you're good to Constance

Constance good to you.

There's a lot of favors

I'm prepared to do

You do one for Constance

She'll do one for you.

They say that life is tit for tat

And that's the way I live

So, I deserve a lot of tat

For what I've got to give

Don't you know that this hand

Washes that one too

When you're good to Constance

Constance good to you!

If you want my gravy

Pepper my ragout

Spice it up for Constance

She'll get hot for you

When they pass that basket

Folk contribut to

You out in for Constance

She'll put out for you

The folks atop the ladder

Are the ones the world adores

So boost me up my ladder, Kid

And I'll boost you up yours

Let's all stroke together

Like the Princeton crew

When you're strokin' Constance

Constance strokin' you

So what's the one conclusion

I can bring this number to?

When you're good to Constance

Constance good to you!

Gadget:

GADGET]

The name on everybody's lips

Is gonna be Gadget

The mouse raking in the chips

Is gonna be Gadget

I'm gonna be a celebrity

That means

Somebody everyone knows

They('re) gonna recognize my eyes

My hair my teeth my boobs my nose

From just some dumb mechanics wife

I'm gonna be Gadget

Who says that murder's not an art?

And who in case she doesn't hang

Can say she started with a bang?

Gadget Hart!

Mice...

[MICE]

They're gonna wait outside in line

To get to see

[GADGET]

Gadget

Think of those autographs

I'll sign,

'Good luck to ya,'

[MICE]

Gadget

[GADGET]

And I'll appear

In a lavalier that goes

All the way down to my waist

[MICE]

Here a ring,

There a ring,

Everywhere a-ring-a-ling

[GADGET]

But always in the best of taste!

(spoken)

Mmmm, I'm a star!

And the audience loves me!

And I love them

And they love me for loving them

And I love them for loving me

And we love each other

And that's because none of us

Got enough love in our childhoods

And that's showbiz

Kid

[MICE]

She's given up her RR life

[GADGET]

I'm gonna be sing it

[MICE]

Gadget

She made a scandal and a start

[GADGET]

And Foxglove Tucker will shit

I know

To see her name get billed below

Gadget Hart

[MICE]

Gadget...

Rox-ie...

Gadget...