{This is the last section dealing with Tenou Okura and Marubeni Kotano as the main characters; the real story will begin in chapter 6. To all who have made it this far, thank-you for reading!}
*****
Time had passed, unreal, hazy, unmemorable and unrecognisable. Life as she knew it…gone, vanished as if smoke, altered beyond understanding, beyond belief…
With the speed of light, life as Kotano knew it had shattered as if so much glass. The barrier that had shielded her from pain, suffering, truth, had shattered into a million shards, sharp enough to draw blood. All the unpleasantness, dishonesty, repressed memories,
(Betrayal)
and denials…came forth with tremendous speed and power. She could no longer deny what had happened, what was happening…and what was about to happen…
She had lost everything. Her career, her money, her friends, her self-respect…everything that had ever mattered in her life had disappeared. No, not disappeared, but she had given up. For a man, a broken man who took her sacrifices for granted. A man who did not even acknowledge her devotion to him; she was the only one who stood by his side…and did he ever thank her, did he ever tell her how much her devotion meant to him…never! That man, that infuriating, selfish, self-obsessed man…responsible for the condition of their lives, for her pain, for his own! A man of the worst sort: born to self-destruct, taking all who loved him down with him. She did everything within her power to help him, to comfort him…but to no avail. He was as impenetrable as a fortress; a man whose veneer was falling apart, whom was deteriorating before her eyes…but nevertheless he remained unreachable.
He would not take her hand.
Kotano was responsible for much of the settling of Okura's legal issues. While he was locked in his room or passed out on the couch, Kotano was the one negotiating with the lawyer. When Okura was out running, fleeing into his own world, Kotano was the one keeping track of his finances, lawsuits and bills. When Okura was drowning his sorrows in a cheap bottle of Jack Daniels, Kotano was slaving to save something-anything-of their estate.
When they had returned to Japan immediately after the race, the angry citizens of their country bombarded them.
"How? Why?" They asked, anger and curiosity evident in their faces. These people, once loyal fans, were now angry and looking for answers to unanswerable questions.
The poor couple had been unprepared to the extremity of their attack; despite warnings, they were unable to believe the rapid turnaround of their country. The shock of their reception, as well as the constant interference of the media into their lives…the pain knew no bounds.
In the beginning the young couple lived in Kotano's luxurious condo, but when their financial situation became clear to Kotano, they were forced to move into a small, dingy two-room apartment located in one of the worst areas of Osaka.
Where had the money gone? Once they had had excess; now they were almost destitute. Where had it all gone?
Kotano wasn't entirely sure, but she was aware that Okura's lawyer had managed to negotiate an out of court settlement with the suet. It was better than going to court, but the amount in compensation that Okura had to pay was astronomical. Not to mention the lawyer's hefty bills, and the rent for the new apartment…but there was still money unaccounted for. Kotano kept a close eye on their accounts, and spoke with the lawyer more than with her own fiancée (not like this was saying much), but money kept disappearing from their accounts. Not a lot all at once, but gradually the sum of the missing money accounted for much of their remaining gross.
For Okura, Kotano would sacrifice everything that she placed importance upon. She vowed to stand by him, through the good times and the bad, in sickness and in health, whether wealthy or poor. They were not yet married, and with their lives in the state they were, the prospect seemed unlikely to happen in the near future, but still Kotano stood behind the basic principals of marriage. She was taught to stand by her man, to give aid and comfort, no matter what happened. She would; she would give him everything she had to offer; her heart, her support, her love, her devotion, her protection, her loyalty…and her soul.
Kotano had been offered a way out. She had been given a chance to leave Okura and all of this pain and suffering behind, and in effect preserve all else that mattered to her. A way out, or a bribe, it could be called either. But what is in a name, anyways? The end result is the same…how you word your thoughts and opinions is of crucial importance in the world, business or otherwise. Call it what you like, but Kotano was offered a chance to leave. Permanently. She would be able to keep her career, she would be able to keep her celebrity status-in a positive way-and she would be able to earn money.
Her manager, Koei Ochiyo, unlike the power-hungry Fukuda, was a caring person who honestly cared for her clients and their futures. She offered Kotano the opportunity to escape. All Kotano had to do was break up with Tenou. It was so incredibly simple, how this could be the salvation of her career. Simple, yet effective.
If Kotano were to end her engagement to Tenou, suggested Koei, her career could be saved. Kotano could say that the realisation of Tenou's actions forced her to open her eyes, and that she became aware of his true personality. As a direct opposite of Fukuda's approach of a loving successful relationship, Koei's approach was to portray Kotano as the victim of the demanding, brutal Tenou Okura. Kotano, who was pressured to stay by her man, had now had enough. In a heroic move, Kotano would leave Tenou and make a stand for woman everywhere. She, the victim of an abusive relationship, would triumph over the man who brutalized her.
Kotano's career had suffered because of her involvement with Tenou, but if she were to end their engagement immediately, then it could be salvaged. Lose Tenou, or lose your career. She couldn't have it both ways. If she stayed with Tenou, than she was a traitor, in cohorts with a cheater. The choice was hers: career or love?
Such an unfortunate situation for the young woman, a woman hardly older than a girl. An ultimatum too harsh for this girl to decipher. Yet nothing could be done; she had to make a choice, no matter how difficult. Her future was at stake. How could she be forced to choose between the two most important aspects of her life? Nevertheless, Kotano did choose. Perhaps she made wrong decision, but her choice was a noble one.
She chose Okura.
Kotano turned down her manager, and bid her career farewell. The greatest sacrifice she could make was to give up her career for her lover. It took such courage, such strength to give it all up…to stand by a drowning man. But at this stage of her life, Kotano still had faith. She had faith in the power of love, she had faith in Okura, she had faith in herself. The noblest deed of her life…was unnoticed by the man she did it for.
*****
Okura was lost. He had been broken beyond repair; the meaning of his life had been taken from him, so he felt no real need to fight for survival. One cannot survive without fighting, especially someone who had the entire world against them. Okura simply gave up. He ignored everything around him, from the most crucial financial concerns to maintaining his physical well being. He let things take their course; he was too far-gone to muster any feelings towards anything but his misery.
Self-pity was the only thing that occupied Okura's mind; all other matters were ignored. He wallowed deeply in decadence, never emerging from its strong embrace. He let it submerge him into itself; everyday he crawled deeper and deeper into its soothing void. There, no one would hurt him, no one could touch him. The solid walls kept all pain out-but it also trapped him. He was encased in an impenetrable stronghold, a prison of the mind. He hadn't been trapped for a long period of time, but time was meaningless to Okura. He had been trapped for what had seemed like forever…memories of the past five months foggy and distorted as the water's reflection; he could not recognise himself.
At times, Okura would awaken from his trance-like state forgetful of the past months…but then the realisation would dawn upon him that he was no longer the person he had once been. Once he had been a hero towards the masses, a respected man who ran as if the wind…and now? Now he could not recognise himself, so changed was he. A once bright mind dulled as copper, once shining, now dull. His talent…where had it gone? Every night he would escape the confines of his bedroom; he would run into the night, searching for the familiar rush, of the sense of belonging to the wind…but he could not reach that height any longer.
"Why?" Okura would scream into the night, on his knees, desperate, pleading…alas, no answer dawned upon him.
"Why…" His desperate cries to his element, the element that had driven him towards his dreams, the element that offered him comfort, that offered him strength, that offered him immortality…were never answered. The wind…had left him all alone. Alone. He was all alone, abandoned by his element, by his friends and business partners, by his legions of fans…
"Why does the wind not take me, as it once had? Why has it forsaken me?" Of course, Okura knew the reason; buried deep within him, but nevertheless there. His element had not forsaken him. No, he had forsaken his element! By cheating, by playing God…by tampering with fate…
(Divine Intervention)
By believing the words of a false prophet, the words of a man whose identity he knew nothing of, whose past, whose ambitions he knew nothing of. Eguchi. It all came down to the words of that pompous, manipulative little shit! Eguchi, the messenger of the devil, the Mesestopholes to his Faustus…tempting him with forbidden power, a power that would on the surface grant his dreams, but would in the process destroy everything that he held dear to him…
Okura believed that he had made a pact with the devil, and by doing so he had betrayed his element. His element, the force that he once was able to draw strength from, that he was able to take comfort from…the only thing able to relieve him of his troubles…
Okura was always running away. He found that while running, by pushing every last ounce of strength and adrenaline from his body, that he was able to outrun his mind. When he ran, he felt nothing but the caress of the wind against his body, the tightness of his chest, the effort of his lungs…nothing could touch him. Nothing COULD touch him, but now…now he was unable to lose himself in that feeling. He was unable to outrun his fears and doubts, his mistakes and sins…they were too fast…he could not escape them. Okura ran as if for salvation, as if he pushed his protesting body just a little bit further he could reach this place again…but for naught. He couldn't run any more; he had betrayed himself and his element, and as a consequence, he was unable to travel to his own world. Because of his great sin, Okura had lost everything from the material world…and had lost his fantasy world as well. He relied on this world, on this escape, on this safe haven…once it was gone, then so was he…
So he gave up. No longer caring, no longer making any effort, he slept as if in a state of dormancy, while the world still lived on around him.
Okura entered a different world, a world of self-pity and repression. He reached this place by persistently drinking, continuously and unstoppably until he passed out. Later on he discovered an even more effective method of escape, a method that lifted him to the heights that running once had. The price for this high, however, was extraordinary. More than once his fiancée had found him passed out on the floor, choking on his own vomit. A disgusting picture was Tenou Okura, the ruin of a fine man. How one could reach the top and then plummet to the very bottom in such a short period of time…a terrible, terrible tragedy.
*****
Evening: dark cloudy sky, tempestuous winds, blustering flurries, miserable. Cold. The apartment was always cold; no matter how tightly sealed the windows, the cold still managed to seep through. The thermostat was broken; the landlord was inattentive and lax about repairs.
Cold. The word could be used to symbolize Kotano's life. The miserable winter, Okura's temperament, the state of their romance…they were all cold. She was always cold; she rose from her bed and pulled a sweater over her shivering body, and felt slightly better.
Tired. Lately, Kotano was always tired. She couldn't sleep at night; almost every night, Okura would leave their apartment and stay out, doing God knows what…and not return until the early morning hours. Only when Kotano heard the opening of the door, and the thud of Okura collapsing on the couch, could she relax and let herself rest. Every morning she would awaken alone in bed, no sleeping lover by her side. Okura, Okura…never slept in her bed, he never slept with her at all…not since the scandal.
Miserably, Kotano groaned as the familiar wave of nausea hit, and blindly she ran to the toilet. Stars twinkled before her eyes, she was so dizzy…her head bent over the seat, she vomited, her body desperate to expel its contents.
"Not again," she cried as she felt the sickening clench of her stomach, and again she bent down her head. She dry-heaved, there was nothing left in her stomach, but the nausea remained…she gagged and retched until she almost fainted.
Wearily, Kotano rested her head against the cool rim of the toilet bowl. Which had been her best friend for over two months now. Tears sprung in her eyes as she remembered just what had happened two months before…
She got up, up off the floor and stood before the mirror. The woman who looked back was a stranger…
{Who is this woman across from me? I don't know her, I don't recognise her…yet she seems vaguely familiar to me. Something about the facial structure reminds me of someone…but only the shell. Those eyes, so glassy, so downcast! Why are you crying…are you in pain? I don't understand, what happened to you? Why are you so sad? Please…why won't you answer me? You remind me of someone I once knew, I think…but I can't remember whom. Please, why are you crying? Answer me…answer me! Why can't I touch you? I see your shoulder, so weak, so hurt…I want to comfort you, but I can't. You're too far away; too far away for me to reach you…I'm sorry…}
Kotano could hardly recognise herself. The bags under her eyes, the sagging of her shoulders, her limp hair…and her body…
She cried.
This could not be her! No, that woman could not be the beautiful supermodel Marubeni Kotano, the woman whose face had graced the covers of magazines, the woman who had travelled all over Japan-and Europe-to model for world famous designers and photographers! No, that pitiful, broken, beaten woman…no…
"Please, no, that can't, that just can't…be me! Oh, God…"
It hurt, looking at her reflection hurt too much. It was just another painful reminder of how much had changed.
How everything had changed.
Sighing, she left the mirror, and the bathroom, in search for Okura. She needed to speak to him-now. She needed to speak to him, for over two months, but she had kept putting it off. But now was the time; she couldn't put it off any longer. Now was the time, while Okura was still here, before he left…
"I must be strong. I must tell him…I must…he will understand. He HAS to understand…only…"
Only Kotano had the feeling he wouldn't. Not Okura. Before, he may have…but not now.
Okura had changed.
Kotano stepped into their dingy, poorly lit living room. As expected, Okura lay sprawled out on the couch, an empty bottle of cheap whisky on the floor beside the couch. He was covered in a stained, heavy blanket.
The ruin of a great man.
He had changed…drastically. The scandal had changed Okura both inside and out. He had drastically neglected his appearance. The first thought that struck Kotano was (the smell…) Okura stank of stale sweat, vomit and alcohol…and the disgustingly rancid odour of urine. Okura, who had once been so conscious of how he smelt after running, who would shower twice a day and wear expensive cologne…now smelt as if he had not bathed in five months.
As Kotano approached him, the next thought that struck her (his hair). His once shining, thick, wheat coloured hair, sun streaked with golden highlights…was now limp, dirty, and oily. Before Okura had his hair cut and styled every two months…it had now been five months since the last time. His hair had grown longer, touching the collar of his shirt. Stubble dotted his face, days old…when once he had been so well groomed. Filthy, matted and dull, his appearance was an insult to its former splendour.
Even through the heavy blanket, Kotano was aware of his thinness. His body had shrunken; his face was hollow and gaunt. Once he had been so strong, able to lift her in the air with ease, able to run for miles without effort…now he seemed incapable of rising from the couch.
Okura had indeed changed.
Kotano kneeled beside Okura and shook his shoulder, trying to rouse him from his sleep.
"Okura-san, Okura-san, please, wake up. I need to…" she gasped in horror, her hands covering her mouth. The nausea returned; she felt the overwhelming need to vomit…
{Oh God his arms his arms ohmigod}
While shaking his shoulder, Kotano had accidentally knocked the blanket aside, and as a result his bare arms were uncovered. His arms…once muscular and strong, golden and tanned, now…weak, thin, a pale sickly white, and…
His arms were covered in tracks.
The inside of his arm was covered in red, irritated pricks…the blue veins prominent through his translucent skin…small bruises and partially healed scars…
Needle pricks.
The marks on his arm, the missing money, his unpredictable highs and lows, his frequent nightly escapades…they all made sense. They all revealed the obvious. Okura was a drug addict.
Suddenly, Kotano remembered other signs. His frequent nose bleeds, the bloody tissues in the wastebasket, bloodshot eyes, his inability to stand bright lights, his exhaustion, his pale, yellow tinted complexion, the film of sweat constantly above his brow.
It had been obvious, but Kotano had not seen. She had been too wrapped up with their financial problems to see that Okura was in trouble. But that would all change, as soon as she told him what she must.
Kotano opened her mouth, but the cold hand of caution restrained her from speaking. She wanted to ask Okura about his habit, she wanted to plead with him to give it up, but now was not the time. Okura would surly not listen to her if she was to badger and wail. No, she had to restrain herself. Now was not the time. There were other issues that Kotano needed to discuss with him first. His habit would have to wait.
"Okura…" she called, and was rewarded by the fluttering of his eyelashes.
"Whaa…" He mumbled incoherently, struggling to wake up.
His eyes opened, bloodshot and glassy…but they were Okura's eyes. They hadn't changed. He looked around, and then his gaze fell upon the kneeling Kotano.
"What is it, Kotano," he asked groggily. He winced as the light hit his eyes; the room was dim, but even the faint light bothered his eyes.
"Okura, we need to talk." Said Kotano, her voice low and serious.
It was her voice, a voice strong and demanding, which took Okura by surprise. Kotano seldom, if ever, demanded anything from him. She was always respectful, if a little clingy, towards him. She never spoke harshly to him, even after learning of what he had done. And she addressed him as 'Okura', without the 'san' behind it. She never addressed him other than 'Okura-san', not once in the two years that they had been dating. Okura didn't like this; he didn't like this at all. Kotano had been the perfect companion: undemanding, obedient, unquestioning, loyal…and now this. Now, she was asking for his attention, no, she was demanding his attention, she wanted to discuss with him a matter of seriousness…
Kotano had changed.
Okura sat up, the blanket falling on the floor, baring his bare chest. An expression of shock-and dismay-was apparent on Kotano's face. He had withered away into barely more than a skeleton. Ribs stuck out visibly, his stomach was concave, and his pectoral muscles had shrunken dramatically. How much weight had he lost? He was emaciated…
Kotano stood and motioned for Okura to follow. He struggled to stand. Breathing heavily he rose from the couch and stretched his limbs. He held onto the couch for support; dizziness distorted his vision and he had the peculiar feeling of being weak in the knees.
She winced in disgust as she witnessed his weakness. Okura scowled; pity! She pitied him! Damn her!
"What is it you need to speak to me so desperately about?" Okura asked angrily, his eyes shooting daggers in the general direction where he thought his lover stood. Gradually his vision returned; he realised too late that he was facing the armchair in the corner and Kotano was behind him. He swung around to face her, and that action nearly caused him to black out.
Kotano faced him, looking him in the eye. Okura stepped back in surprise. That she dared to face him, to challenge him…and the look she gave him…what was it? Not quite anger, not quite resignation…but something in between.
"Okura, we left America five months ago. A lot has happened since then. I have been struggling to make the best of our situation while you have been secluded in your depression. As a result, neither of us has been aware of each other, or the changes that we have both been going through. Now, Okura, you must listen to what I have to tell you. Please don't interrupt me; this is difficult enough to say without disruption. Our financial situation is a mess; we hardly have enough money to support ourselves. In a few months, we will be faced with a definite problem. We will need to work together to handle this situation. We will both have to be responsible. We will have to be able to arise from our situation to meet this new challenge.
She took a deep breath, stood as tall as she could, stared right into Okura's eyes, and dropped the bomb.
"Okura, I'm pregnant."
The words, spoken softly, nevertheless had the force to echo throughout the apartment. Those words had the power to change everything. The impact sent Okura reeling…his head spun…
"What, How…" he stuttered in disbelief, shocked to the core. He couldn't respond, he couldn't think, all he could hear was her words booming throughout his head (Okura I'm pregnant I'm pregnant Impregnant)
Kotano looked down towards her feet, her display of courage slowly evaporating, and with her strength leaving her, Okura felt his returning.
"You're pregnant? Pregnant? How the hell can you be pregnant? You're on the fucking birth-control pill!" He screamed, his eyes wild, his fists flailing.
She would not meet his eyes. "I stopped taking them,"
"Why the hell did you do that? Besides, I, I haven't even fucked you since we returned…"
She winced at his choice of words, tears springing to her eyes. "I threw them out before that…" she whispered, cringing.
"But the last time I fucked you was…" He gasped. It had been the night after the race…
"After your victory in the 1 500, just before the results of the tests were known."
"Then…you're five months pregnant…"
Five months. Although Okura knew next to nothing about pregnancy, he was aware that in women as far along as Kotano was the pregnancy should be apparent; looking closer Okura saw the arch of her stomach protruding through her sweater. So it was true! Oh, God!
"You'll have to get an abortion." He said with a chill in his voice.
She wrung her hands helplessly. "I can't, I'm too far along. No doctor will abort a child in the fifth month."
"Then we'll find someone else to do it." Okura replied, emotionless. "It's a simple procedure, no doctor necessary."
She gasped. "No! There's no way that I'm going to let some butcher abort it! And Okura-san, the baby is five months old; a child this age could be kept alive in an incubator!"
"She's gone back to calling me 'Okura-san'," He thought absently.
"An abortion is out of the question! Do you know what procedure they use at this stage of pregnancy? They abort the child, alive, and then they kill it! Murder! I will not murder this child!"
"Stop calling it a child! It is nothing but a fetus! A fetus, nothing more than a damned fetus, Kotano, nothing more!"
Okura stood before her, his face red, his fists clenched, power returning to him. How dare that bitch challenge him, Tenou Okura! How dare a mere woman challenge him! He was wired; despite his emaciated body, he felt strong once again.
"Look, how she cowers on the floor! Cowers to me!" He thought, and laughed cruelly. Nothing like dominating a helpless woman to make him feel big.
"Why…are you laughing?" she cried in anguish. "How can you laugh about a situation as serious as this?"
Okura looked down upon her, this pitiful, desperate woman cringing from the very sight of him, her back to the wall, cornered like a helpless animal. Stupid bitch! As if she could ever dream of opposing him! He may be down, but he was far from being helpless, and far from being under her control. It was time to show her who was boss.
"You have no right to oppose me." Spoke Okura slowly, weighing the impact of his words. "You have no right to ask questions. I'm not asking for you to have an abortion-I'm telling you. Now, do you hear me? You are going to have an abortion. You are going to, Kotano, even if its done by a butcher, by a sadist, by the fucking devil, it doesn't matter…you are going to, Kotano. No matter what."
"No!" she wailed, burying her face in her hands, her body trembling. She could not let him win, no, not this time. She would stand her ground for once in their relationship. He had always dominated her, and she had never resisted…but in the matter of life or death, she would stand her ground!
"You cannot disobey me, Kotano! I am the man of this house, and what I say…why the hell are you laughing?" he was cut off by the loud, somewhat hysterical laughter of Kotano.
"Oh, so you think you're the man of this house, do you, Okura?" Kotano laughed, an angry, vicious laugh coming deep from within her. "Well, I've got something to say towards that. Who do you think has been responsible for the purchase of this apartment, Okura? Just who do you think was the one responsible for settling all of your legal battles? Who was the one who fought to keep what was left of our estates, who was the one who is responsible for the upkeep of this place? Who was the one who walked you through the first days after your big scandal, huh, Okura, who? Who was the only one who stood by you, when you were abandoned? Well? What do you have to say to this, Okura?"
"Shut up! Just shut up!" He screamed, turning away from her.
Kotano was no longer cringing in the corner; she advanced towards the distraught Okura, courage returning with her intense anger. She had promised herself never to bring up the scandal, but Okura had gone too far. How he dared to disrespect her…Okura had never treated her as an equal, but to disregard all that she had done for him…she would speak her mind.
"No, Okura, I am not going to shut up. I am going to tell you just what I think of you! Now listen, listen to me for once in your life! Okura, you are not the man of this house. You are weak! Yes, weak! You, you who are stupid enough to take steroids the day before a race, and believe you won't be caught! Stupid! You, who believes that you're special, that you've been chosen…you, who believes to be superior to all other men! You are weak, Okura, stupid and weak."
"Shut up…"
"I'm not through with you yet! Do you think you're strong, you who cannot even face the world! You're afraid, so you turn to drugs-yes, I know about your habit! Don't look so surprised! So you think you can order me around, you, so pathetic that you leave your financial concerns in my hands, you, who cannot even take care of your most basic needs! You are nothing, Okura, and you have no power over me." She took a deep breath, and screamed with all the repressed rage of the past five months escaping, "You are a coward, Okura, and you are not a man!"
At the moment the words escaped her lips, Okura screamed and slapped her across the face with all of his might. She went spinning with the force of his blow, and struck the wall.
Okura had never hit a woman before. It was hard to judge who was more shocked from his reaction, him or Kotano. She lay in a heap on the floor, her eyes wide, her face deathly pale.
Her words had hit him with the force of a sledgehammer; he was breathless and felt as if all the air had left his lungs. Never had he been so insulted! How she dared…
Okura stepped closer to her hunched body. He looked down upon her, that weak, stupid bitch…but her words revealed to him that she was far from weak. She had stood before him, and emasculated him. That took courage, strength, characteristics that Okura did not possess, that he had never possessed…
He gazed upon her form, his face unreadable in the dim light.
{I could end it now. While she's down, while I have the upper hand…I could end this nightmare. Just one kick, just a quick, hard kick to her abdomen…and it will disappear. No need to waste money on a doctor, or a butcher…if you want it done right, you've got to do it yourself.}
Okura pulled back his leg, aimed his foot towards her belly…and stopped. What…was he doing? Could he really kill the small life inside of his fiancée? With his own hands (or feet), was he driven towards murder? Suddenly he saw himself from the perspective of an onlooker; he saw a desperate, homicidal man hell-bent on murdering an innocent life…
He stopped himself from killing it. There was still a trace of nobility in him at this stage of his life. He was not that far gone yet.
Okura left his shaking, crying fiancée on the floor and left the room. Within minutes he was back, suitcase in hand.
As soon as Kotano saw the suitcase, she struggled to her feet and ran towards her departing lover.
"Wait, Okura! What are you doing?" She screamed, panicked as he headed towards the door.
With a sharp glance, Kotano stopped before she reached him. There was a look in his eyes, a look that suggested that he was not in complete control of himself, that he could hurt her if she interfered…
"I am leaving you, Kotano. You have betrayed me, and I am unprepared to be a father. I cannot stay; it would destroy me. Let me go, or I will take you down with me."
"Please, Okura, I, I'll get you help, this isn't you speaking! No! It's those drugs, those damned drugs…that are making you act so! Please…"
"No. I am leaving you; it is not the drugs, or the alcohol speaking, it is I. Tenou Okura. The man who ran as if the wind…"
He left her standing in the doorframe, on a cold winter evening in December. She watched his form disappear into the misty night, and continued to gaze out into its depths long after Okura had disappeared. Strange, how she was not crying. She had shed so many tears over that man, her heart had been broken so many times…why was it that when he left her, she did not cry? She had sacrificed so much to keep him, so why was she letting him escape from her grasp?
There was no answer. Why she did not cry, why she was unable to feel anything towards him…it was a mystery.
Sighing, Kotano absently placed her hand on her growing belly and stroked its roundness.
"My child, my poor, dear child…I can offer you no hope, no comfort, nothing…for I am empty. You will be alone, I am afraid, and you will never understand why it is that I cannot love you…but please know, that I have fought with all of my strength for you to be born. Just know that I fought for you…and forgive the rest.
*****
Months later, on a pleasant day in early spring, Kotano sat outside her apartment holding a small infant in her arms.
Kotano looked down into the deep blue eyes of her daughter. She was a beautiful child, everyone commented on what a beautiful little girl she had. Soft golden blond hair grew rapidly, already curling around her sweet face. Long, black eyelashes fringed luminous blue eyes that had already began to show signs of grey and green circling her irises. A striking face; the child had clearly inherited her grandmother's Danish cheekbones and full lips. A true beauty…
Tenou Haruka.
But Kotano was unable to love this child. The child of her and Okura, the child that she had lost everything to save…she had Okura's hair, Okura's eyes…
Kotano could not love this child; even it wasn't the child's fault that she had caused Okura to leave. Kotano had lost too much; at nineteen, she had lost the ability to love another. Okura had stolen that from her, her first love he had been…Okura had taken her ability to love. She had given too much of herself to that man to ever be whole again.
The child cried, and Kotano undid her maternity bra and feed the child from her breast. She ran her hand through the soft golden baby fuzz on her daughter's head absently, wishing that she could love this child. But she could not. She was empty, barren; there was a piece of her missing…
The shadow of a man stood before her. A homeless man, from the looks of him. Dirty, emaciated, the stench of urine and cigarettes traveling to her in the pleasant breeze.
"Go away," Kotano snapped angrily, gesturing with her wrist. "Go away!" she repeated, slightly afraid. This wasn't the safest neighbourhood…
The man looked at her helplessly, and reached towards her beseechingly. She scowled, and was just about to yell for help when she saw his face.
His face.
"Okura?" she asked the man in disbelief.
"Ko-tan-oh," the man replied, and collapsed at her feet. The stench was nauseating, it plugged her nostrils, she could scarcely breathe…
"Okura! Oh my God…"
Weak, skeletal, dying, this man…was her fast, strong lover…
"Ko-tan-oh…"
He had returned to her. Broken, bleeding, coming without pride, without strength, without anything…he had returned to her.
Ignoring his odour and the filth he was coated in, Kotano went to him and looked into his eyes. Defeated eyes. No pride or burning passion apparent.
The ruin of a great man.
Without questions, Kotano took him into her arms, and back into her life. She escorted Okura into the apartment without words, without thought, without feeling.
*****
{Phew! What was supposed to be a brief glance into the lives of Haruka's parents turned out to be a short story in its own right! Oh well, this storyline is crucial to the bulk of the fic so it deserves to be lengthy!
The real story begins in Chapter 6, so to all those frustrated with the incredibly long/depressing saga of Okura and Kotano, check out Chapter Six!
P.S. I'm going to name this part of the story something different, if anyone has any ideas for a name, feel free to write it in a review. A shameless plea =( don't be shy about writing reviews! I read all of them, and am inspirited by them! Thank-you to all those who have read so far, and to those who have taken the time to review it.}
See you in Chapter Six! - Brandt
*****
Time had passed, unreal, hazy, unmemorable and unrecognisable. Life as she knew it…gone, vanished as if smoke, altered beyond understanding, beyond belief…
With the speed of light, life as Kotano knew it had shattered as if so much glass. The barrier that had shielded her from pain, suffering, truth, had shattered into a million shards, sharp enough to draw blood. All the unpleasantness, dishonesty, repressed memories,
(Betrayal)
and denials…came forth with tremendous speed and power. She could no longer deny what had happened, what was happening…and what was about to happen…
She had lost everything. Her career, her money, her friends, her self-respect…everything that had ever mattered in her life had disappeared. No, not disappeared, but she had given up. For a man, a broken man who took her sacrifices for granted. A man who did not even acknowledge her devotion to him; she was the only one who stood by his side…and did he ever thank her, did he ever tell her how much her devotion meant to him…never! That man, that infuriating, selfish, self-obsessed man…responsible for the condition of their lives, for her pain, for his own! A man of the worst sort: born to self-destruct, taking all who loved him down with him. She did everything within her power to help him, to comfort him…but to no avail. He was as impenetrable as a fortress; a man whose veneer was falling apart, whom was deteriorating before her eyes…but nevertheless he remained unreachable.
He would not take her hand.
Kotano was responsible for much of the settling of Okura's legal issues. While he was locked in his room or passed out on the couch, Kotano was the one negotiating with the lawyer. When Okura was out running, fleeing into his own world, Kotano was the one keeping track of his finances, lawsuits and bills. When Okura was drowning his sorrows in a cheap bottle of Jack Daniels, Kotano was slaving to save something-anything-of their estate.
When they had returned to Japan immediately after the race, the angry citizens of their country bombarded them.
"How? Why?" They asked, anger and curiosity evident in their faces. These people, once loyal fans, were now angry and looking for answers to unanswerable questions.
The poor couple had been unprepared to the extremity of their attack; despite warnings, they were unable to believe the rapid turnaround of their country. The shock of their reception, as well as the constant interference of the media into their lives…the pain knew no bounds.
In the beginning the young couple lived in Kotano's luxurious condo, but when their financial situation became clear to Kotano, they were forced to move into a small, dingy two-room apartment located in one of the worst areas of Osaka.
Where had the money gone? Once they had had excess; now they were almost destitute. Where had it all gone?
Kotano wasn't entirely sure, but she was aware that Okura's lawyer had managed to negotiate an out of court settlement with the suet. It was better than going to court, but the amount in compensation that Okura had to pay was astronomical. Not to mention the lawyer's hefty bills, and the rent for the new apartment…but there was still money unaccounted for. Kotano kept a close eye on their accounts, and spoke with the lawyer more than with her own fiancée (not like this was saying much), but money kept disappearing from their accounts. Not a lot all at once, but gradually the sum of the missing money accounted for much of their remaining gross.
For Okura, Kotano would sacrifice everything that she placed importance upon. She vowed to stand by him, through the good times and the bad, in sickness and in health, whether wealthy or poor. They were not yet married, and with their lives in the state they were, the prospect seemed unlikely to happen in the near future, but still Kotano stood behind the basic principals of marriage. She was taught to stand by her man, to give aid and comfort, no matter what happened. She would; she would give him everything she had to offer; her heart, her support, her love, her devotion, her protection, her loyalty…and her soul.
Kotano had been offered a way out. She had been given a chance to leave Okura and all of this pain and suffering behind, and in effect preserve all else that mattered to her. A way out, or a bribe, it could be called either. But what is in a name, anyways? The end result is the same…how you word your thoughts and opinions is of crucial importance in the world, business or otherwise. Call it what you like, but Kotano was offered a chance to leave. Permanently. She would be able to keep her career, she would be able to keep her celebrity status-in a positive way-and she would be able to earn money.
Her manager, Koei Ochiyo, unlike the power-hungry Fukuda, was a caring person who honestly cared for her clients and their futures. She offered Kotano the opportunity to escape. All Kotano had to do was break up with Tenou. It was so incredibly simple, how this could be the salvation of her career. Simple, yet effective.
If Kotano were to end her engagement to Tenou, suggested Koei, her career could be saved. Kotano could say that the realisation of Tenou's actions forced her to open her eyes, and that she became aware of his true personality. As a direct opposite of Fukuda's approach of a loving successful relationship, Koei's approach was to portray Kotano as the victim of the demanding, brutal Tenou Okura. Kotano, who was pressured to stay by her man, had now had enough. In a heroic move, Kotano would leave Tenou and make a stand for woman everywhere. She, the victim of an abusive relationship, would triumph over the man who brutalized her.
Kotano's career had suffered because of her involvement with Tenou, but if she were to end their engagement immediately, then it could be salvaged. Lose Tenou, or lose your career. She couldn't have it both ways. If she stayed with Tenou, than she was a traitor, in cohorts with a cheater. The choice was hers: career or love?
Such an unfortunate situation for the young woman, a woman hardly older than a girl. An ultimatum too harsh for this girl to decipher. Yet nothing could be done; she had to make a choice, no matter how difficult. Her future was at stake. How could she be forced to choose between the two most important aspects of her life? Nevertheless, Kotano did choose. Perhaps she made wrong decision, but her choice was a noble one.
She chose Okura.
Kotano turned down her manager, and bid her career farewell. The greatest sacrifice she could make was to give up her career for her lover. It took such courage, such strength to give it all up…to stand by a drowning man. But at this stage of her life, Kotano still had faith. She had faith in the power of love, she had faith in Okura, she had faith in herself. The noblest deed of her life…was unnoticed by the man she did it for.
*****
Okura was lost. He had been broken beyond repair; the meaning of his life had been taken from him, so he felt no real need to fight for survival. One cannot survive without fighting, especially someone who had the entire world against them. Okura simply gave up. He ignored everything around him, from the most crucial financial concerns to maintaining his physical well being. He let things take their course; he was too far-gone to muster any feelings towards anything but his misery.
Self-pity was the only thing that occupied Okura's mind; all other matters were ignored. He wallowed deeply in decadence, never emerging from its strong embrace. He let it submerge him into itself; everyday he crawled deeper and deeper into its soothing void. There, no one would hurt him, no one could touch him. The solid walls kept all pain out-but it also trapped him. He was encased in an impenetrable stronghold, a prison of the mind. He hadn't been trapped for a long period of time, but time was meaningless to Okura. He had been trapped for what had seemed like forever…memories of the past five months foggy and distorted as the water's reflection; he could not recognise himself.
At times, Okura would awaken from his trance-like state forgetful of the past months…but then the realisation would dawn upon him that he was no longer the person he had once been. Once he had been a hero towards the masses, a respected man who ran as if the wind…and now? Now he could not recognise himself, so changed was he. A once bright mind dulled as copper, once shining, now dull. His talent…where had it gone? Every night he would escape the confines of his bedroom; he would run into the night, searching for the familiar rush, of the sense of belonging to the wind…but he could not reach that height any longer.
"Why?" Okura would scream into the night, on his knees, desperate, pleading…alas, no answer dawned upon him.
"Why…" His desperate cries to his element, the element that had driven him towards his dreams, the element that offered him comfort, that offered him strength, that offered him immortality…were never answered. The wind…had left him all alone. Alone. He was all alone, abandoned by his element, by his friends and business partners, by his legions of fans…
"Why does the wind not take me, as it once had? Why has it forsaken me?" Of course, Okura knew the reason; buried deep within him, but nevertheless there. His element had not forsaken him. No, he had forsaken his element! By cheating, by playing God…by tampering with fate…
(Divine Intervention)
By believing the words of a false prophet, the words of a man whose identity he knew nothing of, whose past, whose ambitions he knew nothing of. Eguchi. It all came down to the words of that pompous, manipulative little shit! Eguchi, the messenger of the devil, the Mesestopholes to his Faustus…tempting him with forbidden power, a power that would on the surface grant his dreams, but would in the process destroy everything that he held dear to him…
Okura believed that he had made a pact with the devil, and by doing so he had betrayed his element. His element, the force that he once was able to draw strength from, that he was able to take comfort from…the only thing able to relieve him of his troubles…
Okura was always running away. He found that while running, by pushing every last ounce of strength and adrenaline from his body, that he was able to outrun his mind. When he ran, he felt nothing but the caress of the wind against his body, the tightness of his chest, the effort of his lungs…nothing could touch him. Nothing COULD touch him, but now…now he was unable to lose himself in that feeling. He was unable to outrun his fears and doubts, his mistakes and sins…they were too fast…he could not escape them. Okura ran as if for salvation, as if he pushed his protesting body just a little bit further he could reach this place again…but for naught. He couldn't run any more; he had betrayed himself and his element, and as a consequence, he was unable to travel to his own world. Because of his great sin, Okura had lost everything from the material world…and had lost his fantasy world as well. He relied on this world, on this escape, on this safe haven…once it was gone, then so was he…
So he gave up. No longer caring, no longer making any effort, he slept as if in a state of dormancy, while the world still lived on around him.
Okura entered a different world, a world of self-pity and repression. He reached this place by persistently drinking, continuously and unstoppably until he passed out. Later on he discovered an even more effective method of escape, a method that lifted him to the heights that running once had. The price for this high, however, was extraordinary. More than once his fiancée had found him passed out on the floor, choking on his own vomit. A disgusting picture was Tenou Okura, the ruin of a fine man. How one could reach the top and then plummet to the very bottom in such a short period of time…a terrible, terrible tragedy.
*****
Evening: dark cloudy sky, tempestuous winds, blustering flurries, miserable. Cold. The apartment was always cold; no matter how tightly sealed the windows, the cold still managed to seep through. The thermostat was broken; the landlord was inattentive and lax about repairs.
Cold. The word could be used to symbolize Kotano's life. The miserable winter, Okura's temperament, the state of their romance…they were all cold. She was always cold; she rose from her bed and pulled a sweater over her shivering body, and felt slightly better.
Tired. Lately, Kotano was always tired. She couldn't sleep at night; almost every night, Okura would leave their apartment and stay out, doing God knows what…and not return until the early morning hours. Only when Kotano heard the opening of the door, and the thud of Okura collapsing on the couch, could she relax and let herself rest. Every morning she would awaken alone in bed, no sleeping lover by her side. Okura, Okura…never slept in her bed, he never slept with her at all…not since the scandal.
Miserably, Kotano groaned as the familiar wave of nausea hit, and blindly she ran to the toilet. Stars twinkled before her eyes, she was so dizzy…her head bent over the seat, she vomited, her body desperate to expel its contents.
"Not again," she cried as she felt the sickening clench of her stomach, and again she bent down her head. She dry-heaved, there was nothing left in her stomach, but the nausea remained…she gagged and retched until she almost fainted.
Wearily, Kotano rested her head against the cool rim of the toilet bowl. Which had been her best friend for over two months now. Tears sprung in her eyes as she remembered just what had happened two months before…
She got up, up off the floor and stood before the mirror. The woman who looked back was a stranger…
{Who is this woman across from me? I don't know her, I don't recognise her…yet she seems vaguely familiar to me. Something about the facial structure reminds me of someone…but only the shell. Those eyes, so glassy, so downcast! Why are you crying…are you in pain? I don't understand, what happened to you? Why are you so sad? Please…why won't you answer me? You remind me of someone I once knew, I think…but I can't remember whom. Please, why are you crying? Answer me…answer me! Why can't I touch you? I see your shoulder, so weak, so hurt…I want to comfort you, but I can't. You're too far away; too far away for me to reach you…I'm sorry…}
Kotano could hardly recognise herself. The bags under her eyes, the sagging of her shoulders, her limp hair…and her body…
She cried.
This could not be her! No, that woman could not be the beautiful supermodel Marubeni Kotano, the woman whose face had graced the covers of magazines, the woman who had travelled all over Japan-and Europe-to model for world famous designers and photographers! No, that pitiful, broken, beaten woman…no…
"Please, no, that can't, that just can't…be me! Oh, God…"
It hurt, looking at her reflection hurt too much. It was just another painful reminder of how much had changed.
How everything had changed.
Sighing, she left the mirror, and the bathroom, in search for Okura. She needed to speak to him-now. She needed to speak to him, for over two months, but she had kept putting it off. But now was the time; she couldn't put it off any longer. Now was the time, while Okura was still here, before he left…
"I must be strong. I must tell him…I must…he will understand. He HAS to understand…only…"
Only Kotano had the feeling he wouldn't. Not Okura. Before, he may have…but not now.
Okura had changed.
Kotano stepped into their dingy, poorly lit living room. As expected, Okura lay sprawled out on the couch, an empty bottle of cheap whisky on the floor beside the couch. He was covered in a stained, heavy blanket.
The ruin of a great man.
He had changed…drastically. The scandal had changed Okura both inside and out. He had drastically neglected his appearance. The first thought that struck Kotano was (the smell…) Okura stank of stale sweat, vomit and alcohol…and the disgustingly rancid odour of urine. Okura, who had once been so conscious of how he smelt after running, who would shower twice a day and wear expensive cologne…now smelt as if he had not bathed in five months.
As Kotano approached him, the next thought that struck her (his hair). His once shining, thick, wheat coloured hair, sun streaked with golden highlights…was now limp, dirty, and oily. Before Okura had his hair cut and styled every two months…it had now been five months since the last time. His hair had grown longer, touching the collar of his shirt. Stubble dotted his face, days old…when once he had been so well groomed. Filthy, matted and dull, his appearance was an insult to its former splendour.
Even through the heavy blanket, Kotano was aware of his thinness. His body had shrunken; his face was hollow and gaunt. Once he had been so strong, able to lift her in the air with ease, able to run for miles without effort…now he seemed incapable of rising from the couch.
Okura had indeed changed.
Kotano kneeled beside Okura and shook his shoulder, trying to rouse him from his sleep.
"Okura-san, Okura-san, please, wake up. I need to…" she gasped in horror, her hands covering her mouth. The nausea returned; she felt the overwhelming need to vomit…
{Oh God his arms his arms ohmigod}
While shaking his shoulder, Kotano had accidentally knocked the blanket aside, and as a result his bare arms were uncovered. His arms…once muscular and strong, golden and tanned, now…weak, thin, a pale sickly white, and…
His arms were covered in tracks.
The inside of his arm was covered in red, irritated pricks…the blue veins prominent through his translucent skin…small bruises and partially healed scars…
Needle pricks.
The marks on his arm, the missing money, his unpredictable highs and lows, his frequent nightly escapades…they all made sense. They all revealed the obvious. Okura was a drug addict.
Suddenly, Kotano remembered other signs. His frequent nose bleeds, the bloody tissues in the wastebasket, bloodshot eyes, his inability to stand bright lights, his exhaustion, his pale, yellow tinted complexion, the film of sweat constantly above his brow.
It had been obvious, but Kotano had not seen. She had been too wrapped up with their financial problems to see that Okura was in trouble. But that would all change, as soon as she told him what she must.
Kotano opened her mouth, but the cold hand of caution restrained her from speaking. She wanted to ask Okura about his habit, she wanted to plead with him to give it up, but now was not the time. Okura would surly not listen to her if she was to badger and wail. No, she had to restrain herself. Now was not the time. There were other issues that Kotano needed to discuss with him first. His habit would have to wait.
"Okura…" she called, and was rewarded by the fluttering of his eyelashes.
"Whaa…" He mumbled incoherently, struggling to wake up.
His eyes opened, bloodshot and glassy…but they were Okura's eyes. They hadn't changed. He looked around, and then his gaze fell upon the kneeling Kotano.
"What is it, Kotano," he asked groggily. He winced as the light hit his eyes; the room was dim, but even the faint light bothered his eyes.
"Okura, we need to talk." Said Kotano, her voice low and serious.
It was her voice, a voice strong and demanding, which took Okura by surprise. Kotano seldom, if ever, demanded anything from him. She was always respectful, if a little clingy, towards him. She never spoke harshly to him, even after learning of what he had done. And she addressed him as 'Okura', without the 'san' behind it. She never addressed him other than 'Okura-san', not once in the two years that they had been dating. Okura didn't like this; he didn't like this at all. Kotano had been the perfect companion: undemanding, obedient, unquestioning, loyal…and now this. Now, she was asking for his attention, no, she was demanding his attention, she wanted to discuss with him a matter of seriousness…
Kotano had changed.
Okura sat up, the blanket falling on the floor, baring his bare chest. An expression of shock-and dismay-was apparent on Kotano's face. He had withered away into barely more than a skeleton. Ribs stuck out visibly, his stomach was concave, and his pectoral muscles had shrunken dramatically. How much weight had he lost? He was emaciated…
Kotano stood and motioned for Okura to follow. He struggled to stand. Breathing heavily he rose from the couch and stretched his limbs. He held onto the couch for support; dizziness distorted his vision and he had the peculiar feeling of being weak in the knees.
She winced in disgust as she witnessed his weakness. Okura scowled; pity! She pitied him! Damn her!
"What is it you need to speak to me so desperately about?" Okura asked angrily, his eyes shooting daggers in the general direction where he thought his lover stood. Gradually his vision returned; he realised too late that he was facing the armchair in the corner and Kotano was behind him. He swung around to face her, and that action nearly caused him to black out.
Kotano faced him, looking him in the eye. Okura stepped back in surprise. That she dared to face him, to challenge him…and the look she gave him…what was it? Not quite anger, not quite resignation…but something in between.
"Okura, we left America five months ago. A lot has happened since then. I have been struggling to make the best of our situation while you have been secluded in your depression. As a result, neither of us has been aware of each other, or the changes that we have both been going through. Now, Okura, you must listen to what I have to tell you. Please don't interrupt me; this is difficult enough to say without disruption. Our financial situation is a mess; we hardly have enough money to support ourselves. In a few months, we will be faced with a definite problem. We will need to work together to handle this situation. We will both have to be responsible. We will have to be able to arise from our situation to meet this new challenge.
She took a deep breath, stood as tall as she could, stared right into Okura's eyes, and dropped the bomb.
"Okura, I'm pregnant."
The words, spoken softly, nevertheless had the force to echo throughout the apartment. Those words had the power to change everything. The impact sent Okura reeling…his head spun…
"What, How…" he stuttered in disbelief, shocked to the core. He couldn't respond, he couldn't think, all he could hear was her words booming throughout his head (Okura I'm pregnant I'm pregnant Impregnant)
Kotano looked down towards her feet, her display of courage slowly evaporating, and with her strength leaving her, Okura felt his returning.
"You're pregnant? Pregnant? How the hell can you be pregnant? You're on the fucking birth-control pill!" He screamed, his eyes wild, his fists flailing.
She would not meet his eyes. "I stopped taking them,"
"Why the hell did you do that? Besides, I, I haven't even fucked you since we returned…"
She winced at his choice of words, tears springing to her eyes. "I threw them out before that…" she whispered, cringing.
"But the last time I fucked you was…" He gasped. It had been the night after the race…
"After your victory in the 1 500, just before the results of the tests were known."
"Then…you're five months pregnant…"
Five months. Although Okura knew next to nothing about pregnancy, he was aware that in women as far along as Kotano was the pregnancy should be apparent; looking closer Okura saw the arch of her stomach protruding through her sweater. So it was true! Oh, God!
"You'll have to get an abortion." He said with a chill in his voice.
She wrung her hands helplessly. "I can't, I'm too far along. No doctor will abort a child in the fifth month."
"Then we'll find someone else to do it." Okura replied, emotionless. "It's a simple procedure, no doctor necessary."
She gasped. "No! There's no way that I'm going to let some butcher abort it! And Okura-san, the baby is five months old; a child this age could be kept alive in an incubator!"
"She's gone back to calling me 'Okura-san'," He thought absently.
"An abortion is out of the question! Do you know what procedure they use at this stage of pregnancy? They abort the child, alive, and then they kill it! Murder! I will not murder this child!"
"Stop calling it a child! It is nothing but a fetus! A fetus, nothing more than a damned fetus, Kotano, nothing more!"
Okura stood before her, his face red, his fists clenched, power returning to him. How dare that bitch challenge him, Tenou Okura! How dare a mere woman challenge him! He was wired; despite his emaciated body, he felt strong once again.
"Look, how she cowers on the floor! Cowers to me!" He thought, and laughed cruelly. Nothing like dominating a helpless woman to make him feel big.
"Why…are you laughing?" she cried in anguish. "How can you laugh about a situation as serious as this?"
Okura looked down upon her, this pitiful, desperate woman cringing from the very sight of him, her back to the wall, cornered like a helpless animal. Stupid bitch! As if she could ever dream of opposing him! He may be down, but he was far from being helpless, and far from being under her control. It was time to show her who was boss.
"You have no right to oppose me." Spoke Okura slowly, weighing the impact of his words. "You have no right to ask questions. I'm not asking for you to have an abortion-I'm telling you. Now, do you hear me? You are going to have an abortion. You are going to, Kotano, even if its done by a butcher, by a sadist, by the fucking devil, it doesn't matter…you are going to, Kotano. No matter what."
"No!" she wailed, burying her face in her hands, her body trembling. She could not let him win, no, not this time. She would stand her ground for once in their relationship. He had always dominated her, and she had never resisted…but in the matter of life or death, she would stand her ground!
"You cannot disobey me, Kotano! I am the man of this house, and what I say…why the hell are you laughing?" he was cut off by the loud, somewhat hysterical laughter of Kotano.
"Oh, so you think you're the man of this house, do you, Okura?" Kotano laughed, an angry, vicious laugh coming deep from within her. "Well, I've got something to say towards that. Who do you think has been responsible for the purchase of this apartment, Okura? Just who do you think was the one responsible for settling all of your legal battles? Who was the one who fought to keep what was left of our estates, who was the one who is responsible for the upkeep of this place? Who was the one who walked you through the first days after your big scandal, huh, Okura, who? Who was the only one who stood by you, when you were abandoned? Well? What do you have to say to this, Okura?"
"Shut up! Just shut up!" He screamed, turning away from her.
Kotano was no longer cringing in the corner; she advanced towards the distraught Okura, courage returning with her intense anger. She had promised herself never to bring up the scandal, but Okura had gone too far. How he dared to disrespect her…Okura had never treated her as an equal, but to disregard all that she had done for him…she would speak her mind.
"No, Okura, I am not going to shut up. I am going to tell you just what I think of you! Now listen, listen to me for once in your life! Okura, you are not the man of this house. You are weak! Yes, weak! You, you who are stupid enough to take steroids the day before a race, and believe you won't be caught! Stupid! You, who believes that you're special, that you've been chosen…you, who believes to be superior to all other men! You are weak, Okura, stupid and weak."
"Shut up…"
"I'm not through with you yet! Do you think you're strong, you who cannot even face the world! You're afraid, so you turn to drugs-yes, I know about your habit! Don't look so surprised! So you think you can order me around, you, so pathetic that you leave your financial concerns in my hands, you, who cannot even take care of your most basic needs! You are nothing, Okura, and you have no power over me." She took a deep breath, and screamed with all the repressed rage of the past five months escaping, "You are a coward, Okura, and you are not a man!"
At the moment the words escaped her lips, Okura screamed and slapped her across the face with all of his might. She went spinning with the force of his blow, and struck the wall.
Okura had never hit a woman before. It was hard to judge who was more shocked from his reaction, him or Kotano. She lay in a heap on the floor, her eyes wide, her face deathly pale.
Her words had hit him with the force of a sledgehammer; he was breathless and felt as if all the air had left his lungs. Never had he been so insulted! How she dared…
Okura stepped closer to her hunched body. He looked down upon her, that weak, stupid bitch…but her words revealed to him that she was far from weak. She had stood before him, and emasculated him. That took courage, strength, characteristics that Okura did not possess, that he had never possessed…
He gazed upon her form, his face unreadable in the dim light.
{I could end it now. While she's down, while I have the upper hand…I could end this nightmare. Just one kick, just a quick, hard kick to her abdomen…and it will disappear. No need to waste money on a doctor, or a butcher…if you want it done right, you've got to do it yourself.}
Okura pulled back his leg, aimed his foot towards her belly…and stopped. What…was he doing? Could he really kill the small life inside of his fiancée? With his own hands (or feet), was he driven towards murder? Suddenly he saw himself from the perspective of an onlooker; he saw a desperate, homicidal man hell-bent on murdering an innocent life…
He stopped himself from killing it. There was still a trace of nobility in him at this stage of his life. He was not that far gone yet.
Okura left his shaking, crying fiancée on the floor and left the room. Within minutes he was back, suitcase in hand.
As soon as Kotano saw the suitcase, she struggled to her feet and ran towards her departing lover.
"Wait, Okura! What are you doing?" She screamed, panicked as he headed towards the door.
With a sharp glance, Kotano stopped before she reached him. There was a look in his eyes, a look that suggested that he was not in complete control of himself, that he could hurt her if she interfered…
"I am leaving you, Kotano. You have betrayed me, and I am unprepared to be a father. I cannot stay; it would destroy me. Let me go, or I will take you down with me."
"Please, Okura, I, I'll get you help, this isn't you speaking! No! It's those drugs, those damned drugs…that are making you act so! Please…"
"No. I am leaving you; it is not the drugs, or the alcohol speaking, it is I. Tenou Okura. The man who ran as if the wind…"
He left her standing in the doorframe, on a cold winter evening in December. She watched his form disappear into the misty night, and continued to gaze out into its depths long after Okura had disappeared. Strange, how she was not crying. She had shed so many tears over that man, her heart had been broken so many times…why was it that when he left her, she did not cry? She had sacrificed so much to keep him, so why was she letting him escape from her grasp?
There was no answer. Why she did not cry, why she was unable to feel anything towards him…it was a mystery.
Sighing, Kotano absently placed her hand on her growing belly and stroked its roundness.
"My child, my poor, dear child…I can offer you no hope, no comfort, nothing…for I am empty. You will be alone, I am afraid, and you will never understand why it is that I cannot love you…but please know, that I have fought with all of my strength for you to be born. Just know that I fought for you…and forgive the rest.
*****
Months later, on a pleasant day in early spring, Kotano sat outside her apartment holding a small infant in her arms.
Kotano looked down into the deep blue eyes of her daughter. She was a beautiful child, everyone commented on what a beautiful little girl she had. Soft golden blond hair grew rapidly, already curling around her sweet face. Long, black eyelashes fringed luminous blue eyes that had already began to show signs of grey and green circling her irises. A striking face; the child had clearly inherited her grandmother's Danish cheekbones and full lips. A true beauty…
Tenou Haruka.
But Kotano was unable to love this child. The child of her and Okura, the child that she had lost everything to save…she had Okura's hair, Okura's eyes…
Kotano could not love this child; even it wasn't the child's fault that she had caused Okura to leave. Kotano had lost too much; at nineteen, she had lost the ability to love another. Okura had stolen that from her, her first love he had been…Okura had taken her ability to love. She had given too much of herself to that man to ever be whole again.
The child cried, and Kotano undid her maternity bra and feed the child from her breast. She ran her hand through the soft golden baby fuzz on her daughter's head absently, wishing that she could love this child. But she could not. She was empty, barren; there was a piece of her missing…
The shadow of a man stood before her. A homeless man, from the looks of him. Dirty, emaciated, the stench of urine and cigarettes traveling to her in the pleasant breeze.
"Go away," Kotano snapped angrily, gesturing with her wrist. "Go away!" she repeated, slightly afraid. This wasn't the safest neighbourhood…
The man looked at her helplessly, and reached towards her beseechingly. She scowled, and was just about to yell for help when she saw his face.
His face.
"Okura?" she asked the man in disbelief.
"Ko-tan-oh," the man replied, and collapsed at her feet. The stench was nauseating, it plugged her nostrils, she could scarcely breathe…
"Okura! Oh my God…"
Weak, skeletal, dying, this man…was her fast, strong lover…
"Ko-tan-oh…"
He had returned to her. Broken, bleeding, coming without pride, without strength, without anything…he had returned to her.
Ignoring his odour and the filth he was coated in, Kotano went to him and looked into his eyes. Defeated eyes. No pride or burning passion apparent.
The ruin of a great man.
Without questions, Kotano took him into her arms, and back into her life. She escorted Okura into the apartment without words, without thought, without feeling.
*****
{Phew! What was supposed to be a brief glance into the lives of Haruka's parents turned out to be a short story in its own right! Oh well, this storyline is crucial to the bulk of the fic so it deserves to be lengthy!
The real story begins in Chapter 6, so to all those frustrated with the incredibly long/depressing saga of Okura and Kotano, check out Chapter Six!
P.S. I'm going to name this part of the story something different, if anyone has any ideas for a name, feel free to write it in a review. A shameless plea =( don't be shy about writing reviews! I read all of them, and am inspirited by them! Thank-you to all those who have read so far, and to those who have taken the time to review it.}
See you in Chapter Six! - Brandt