Hoshino Fujio. Her mother took this man into her life, into her home. Into her bed.
It was rather obvious that they were intimate; Hoshino was in his underwear and had come out of her mother's bedroom. Not to mention how Hoshino cupped Kotano's ass, not to mention how he stuck his tongue in her ear, not to mention the huge lump in his boxers…
Haruka watched the man's display with revulsion, disgust written across her face. How her mother could let that man touch her so intimately was beyond her. Haruka wanted to stop him, wanted to hurt him…but restrained herself.
Kotano gave him a look, and he laughed. "Sorry, babe, my hands must have a mind of their own."
Hoshino grinned slyly, pinched Kotano's ass, and winked at Haruka.
That did it. Haruka stormed past them angrily, towards her room. She could not bear to watch that man manhandle her mother.
"Haruka, wait," called her mother, but Hoshino interrupted her.
"Just let the kid go, babe. Why don't we go to bed, and leave the introductions for later?"
Haruka slammed her door with incredible force; the house rattled and the doorframe cracked. Bastard!
Seething, she kicked her shoes off, and they hit the closet door with a bang. She moved towards her dresser and started hurling her numerous sports trophies. She probably had over 100…none survived.
Not enough, never enough! She slammed her fist through the wall, she kicked her dresser, she threw herself on her bed and started beating her fists against the pillow…
And still the rage possessed her.
"What the fuck is going on?" Yelled Hoshino; Haruka threw her bedside lamp against the door and the bastard's voice was drowned in the sound of breaking ceramic.
"Haruka!" cried her mother, and Haruka heard her footsteps approaching her door.
Quick as a flash, Haruka pushed her dresser against the door. The damn lock had been broken for the longest time.
Someone started banging on the door; the desperate, pleading voice of her mother and the angry, threatening voice of Hoshino could be heard coming from behind it. Haruka covered her head with her hands.
"Haruka! Haruka! What's wrong with you?"
"Hey, you stupid brat! What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
"Shut UP!" she screamed, and hurled her 'athlete of the year' medal at the door.
She couldn't take this. After everything that had happened today, this was just too much. She quickly changed from her uniform into a pair of worn jeans and a baggy red sweater, opened her window, and climbed through it.
The narrow ledge would hold her weight; she had done this before. With the skill of a gymnast, Haruka jumped from the window and grasped the drainpipe with both hands. She climbed the narrow pole with expertise, not giving the eleven-floor drop a passing thought.
She reached the end of the drainpipe. Effortlessly she swung from the pipe and landed on the roof of the apartment.
The rage that claimed her began to lose its power. On the roof, she was able to let go of her problems; she was able to emerge from her pain.
Here she was free to be herself.
From fourteen stories above the ground she stood, the world at her feet. The sky was dark but for the twinkling lights of the city. From here the city looked different: the filth of the streets hidden below, beyond her range of vision. Here, she was closer to the sky than the ground, here she heard nothing but the wind rustling through her ears, here she felt nothing but the caress of the wind against her cheek. Here there was no prejudice, no hate, no laughter, no scorn. Here she was able to reflect upon her life.
Below…her mother and that horrible man, Saeki and the others like him, Ozawa and the faculty, those who condemned her, those who ostracized her, those who hurt her…
They couldn't touch her.
Haruka sat on the edge of the building, and gazed outside her own world of poverty and oppression, to the centre of Osaka and beyond, where wealth and prosperity reigned.
How was it that none were born equal? How was it that some were blessed whereas others were cursed?
Who decided whether one was to succeed or to fail? Who decided whether one was to have opportunities or to have hardships?
Why was it that there were others who were loved, who were understood, who were protected…when there were others unloved, misunderstood and threatened?
There was no logic, no formula, of course. No matter how often she pondered the mysteries of life, no answer became clear. So many things were unexplained. Was life random or predetermined? Was life a test or a punishment?
The wind held no answers, but offered comfort. On the roof, above the ground, tomorrow had no meaning. The difficulties that she had left below were of no consequence. Nothing mattered here, she could forget…if only for a brief interlude. The same feeling she experienced driving, the same feeling she experienced running, the feeling of power, the feeling of escape…
Her sanctuary.
She gazed out towards the horizon, and felt the wind blowing around her.
The day she had become a woman her world had changed. Yet, life's mysteries remained unsolved. She had gained no wisdom but only new obstacles and new battles.
Haruka looked up at the sky, and felt the familiar feeling of escape coming over her. Her problems began to slip away as she entered her haven.
Nothing mattered but here and now.
*****
She awakened the next morning in her room with no recollection of how she had got there. The events of the previous night were distorted; she remembered an argument, trashing her room, going out on the roof, and pondering the meaning of life…
As always, she was unable to recall anything past the moment when she became the wind.
Groggily she opened her eyes. And sat up with a start. The chaos from the night before greeted her.
"Holy shit!" she gasped as the full extent of the damage was revealed to her.
Her closet door was full of dark marks, there were numerous holes in the wall, there were indents in her dresser, and her many trophies and medals were scattered in pieces on the floor. The door had also been torn off its hinges.
Her mother was going to murder her.
She had been so upset last night that she hadn't thought to ponder the consequences of her actions. Now, the full realisation of what she had done hit her. The room was totalled.
Through the doorway walked her mother. Shit.
Kotano surveyed the damage with a pained expression on her beautiful face.
Haruka suddenly felt incredibly guilty. Her mother had a hard enough time as it was…and for her to destroy her room, on top of all the other trouble she had gotten into yesterday…
Kotano sat on the edge of Haruka's bed, saying nothing. Just looking at the girl whom she had given birth to, as if she didn't recognise her own daughter.
Haruka was conscious of how haggard she must have appeared; she tried to fix her hair, but her mother took her hand.
Kotano looked at the hand in her palm, the hand once so small but now longer than her own. She ran her fingers through her daughter's long, wheat coloured hair and smoothed the unruly strands. Kotano lifted her hand to her daughter's cheek, and held her face softly. Kotano looked deep into her daughter's blue-grey eyes…similar to Okura's but for the green rim around the iris. Her daughter.
Haruka could hardly breathe. She could not remember the last time her mother had touched her so gently, or the last time her mother had looked at her so deeply. She was starved for affection, the gentle touches fulfilled a deep need. Haruka looked at her mother lovingly, loving the feel of her hands on her face, loving the feeling of being taken care of.
Kotano placed her hand over her daughter's shoulder and gently massaged it. Haruka closed her eyes, enjoying the gentle pressure. It felt so good to be touched, but too soon her mother stopped.
Haruka opened her eyes questionably, and was shocked to see tears swimming in her mother's eyes.
"Mom," she whispered, suddenly afraid. Oh, God, what had she done now?
Kotano wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "Sorry, Haruka…I don't know what's come over me. I guess the last twenty four hours have been hard on us both." She smiled shakily. "You gave us quite a scare last night, you know,"
The guilt increased tenfold.
"I did?" she asked.
"Of course, silly, what do you think? You were screaming and throwing things, Haruka! I was afraid that you'd hurt yourself! I was so scared that I told Fujio-san to break the door down! When he did, how do you think I felt when I saw that you weren't there? That the window was open? For one horrible moment I thought…"
"Oh, Mom," Haruka moaned, and buried her face in her pillow.
"I was distraught, we almost called the police…but when we returned to your room…there you were, asleep. Jesus, Haruka! Don't you ever frighten me like this again!"
Kotano was shaking; Haruka embraced her and held her close. Oh, God, how could she have been so inconsiderate?
"I'm sorry," she said, miserably, "I'm so sorry, Mom, I'll never do it again…"
Her mother smiled through her tears. "When I look at you, I see that you've grown considerably. It seems that only yesterday you were a child…how is it that you've changed without me noticing? I see you, but I don't…where is the child I once held in my arms?"
Haruka did not know how to respond. How could she respond to a statement like that?
"You've always been a mystery to me, Haruka. It seems that I've never been able to understand you. I see the things you've done, but I don't see the meaning behind your actions. In your face, I see pieces of myself, pieces of your father…but nothing beyond."
"What…are you saying?" asked Haruka anxiously.
Kotano ran her fingers through her daughter's hair. "I am saying that it is hard for me to grasp just who you are. Don't look at me that way, I don't mean to hurt you. I just find it difficult to understand you…but that doesn't mean that I don't care. I am trying to look past the things you've done, and see the meaning behind them…but am unable to."
"I don't fully understand myself," Haruka replied.
"I know," her mother soothed, holding her daughter's head in her lap. "I know that you're confused, and I know that you're hurting…and although I don't understand you, I still care. When I saw the open window last night, for one horrible moment I thought that I'd lost you,"
"I'm sorry…"
"It was not until that moment that I realised just how much I cared, and how much you meant to me. Why is it the threat of losing someone that shows you just what they mean to you?" Kotano suddenly looked remorseful.
"You do mean a lot to me, Haruka. I know that I can seem unsympathetic at times, but please let me assure you that you are important to me. I don't do the things I do to hurt you…"
"I know, Mom," she replied sadly.
It was true, Haruka did know that her mother cared for her, but it still hurt that she only showed her affections when it pleased her. Even though the knowledge was reassuring, Haruka still needed attention more than once every few months. She needed her mother everyday, she needed her mother to listen to her and be there for her always. It was hard being alone, and the occasional affections she received from her mother only made the void deeper afterwards. The longing, the need for love and affection, it could not be fulfilled by infrequent occurrences. Haruka wanted her mother by her side always…but Kotano always distanced herself eventually. Then, she was alone again.
Kotano looked around the room, absorbing the damage. "I must say that I'm unhappy about the state of your room, but material things can be replaced. I'm just happy that you're safe."
Kotano rose from the bed and straightened her skirt. "Now, there is another matter that I must discuss with you…"
"Oh, shit," moaned Haruka.
Kotano shot her a dark glance. "Language, please. I am referring to Fujio-san, of course. Whether you like it or not, he's moved in with us."
Haruka buried herself under her covers, not wanting to hear what her mother was going to say. Oh, God! When her mother had held her, Haruka had completely forgotten about Hoshino. She couldn't bear to hear her mother swoon over this new man of hers.
"Young lady, don't you hide from me!" yelled Kotano, and with a swift motion pulled the blanket off the bed. Haruka desperately hid her head under her pillow. Her mother scowled and smacked her daughter lightly on the butt.
"Hey!" Haruka exclaimed, mortified.
"Seriously, Tenou Haruka! You are thirteen years old! Stop behaving like such a child!"
Her mother did have a point. She was a bit old to be acting so childishly. Especially considering that she was about four inches taller than her mother and weighed about the same…Sighing with resignation, Haruka sat up on the edge of the bed and prepared herself for the inevitable.
"That's better. Now, you are old enough to understand the relationships that go on between a man and a woman…"
No! Don't talk about sex, anything but sex!
"Um, yes…they taught us ALL about that at school," said Haruka cautiously, putting heavy emphasis on the word 'all'. The last thing she wanted to hear about was her mother's sex life.
"And you are aware that many couples do not abide by society's laws in regards to marriage…"
Haruka snorted. "Of course I am! You and Dad weren't exactly married, either,"
Her mother scowled, "Don't be so brazen, Haruka! I guess I should be relieved that you're so worldly, but I do not have to put up with your insolence!"
A sly grin crept onto her face. Haruka loved the rise she could get out of her mother.
"And wipe that smirk off your face! Geez, to be judged by my own daughter…" Kotano placed her hands on her hips, and gave her daughter a very angry look.
This only served to widen Haruka's grin.
Kotano threw up her hands in frustration. "Ok, Ok, enough with the joking! I don't know what you find so funny…our 'premarital agreement' puts you in a bad light, too,"
("Your father's a fraud and your mother's a whore…you're nothing but a bastard…")
Haruka's smile suddenly disappeared as she recalled what Principal Ozawa had said regarding the subject…
("…nothing but a bastard…")
"…ruka…Haruka! Are you listening to me?"
Haruka was aware that her mother was looking at her strangely. She pushed all thoughts on Ozawa's words from her mind, and focused her attention on her mother.
"Sorry, Mom, what was that you said?"
Kotano exhaled with exasperation. "I asked you if you had any questions."
Any questions?
"Uh, yeah," she replied sardonically, "Just one. Who the hell is this guy?"
Kotano was not amused by her daughter's candour, as confirmation her eyebrows narrowed and her lips thinned.
"A contractor," her mother said, "Who's hard on his luck."
Meaning the bastard had no job and no means of supporting himself. Maybe Haruka was cynical, but after her life experiences, she had reason to doubt this man.
"He's in the midst of a divorce…" her mother had explained, "He and his wife are currently fighting over their finances…
"Do you have anything to do with that?" asked Haruka outright.
"Haruka!" her mother was mortified, but Haruka couldn't help but notice a faint blush colouring her mother's cheeks.
"Sorry, sorry…so, how'd you meet him?
"Well, I met him when I was working…
Always an ideal location to met the man of your dreams, in a dingy bar, thought Haruka with cynicism
"…he ordered, we talked, on the bill he left his phone number…"
Oh! The romance!
"I didn't accept the first time, but damned if he didn't start coming everyday, even asked my boss for my schedule! He was so persistent…I thought it was so romantic!" Kotano smiled softly.
Haruka disagreed; she considered it to be more akin to stalking, but she kept her mouth shut.
"I accepted after he refused to let me leave the restaurant without an answer…" her mother sighed wistfully, "after that, he wouldn't let me out of his sight."
A strange feeling grew within Haruka; she didn't like the sound of this. Not one bit.
"But why has he moved in? I mean, you've had *tons* of other boyfriends before…what makes this guy so special?"
"Honestly, Haruka, must you phrase things so tactlessly? I guess you're too young to understand, but when you fall in love…"and here her tone changed from angry to tender, "…nothing matters but that person. You want to spend all your time with them, you never want to be apart…"
"Wow, Mom, I didn't know you were such a sucker for clichés," remarked Haruka scornfully but as Kotano's mind was occupied with thoughts of love, her daughter's tone was ignored.
"Oh, how did you get to be so cynical?" Kotano teased, obviously still thinking about Hoshino, "One day, you'll meet a nice boy, and then you'll see just what I mean."
Haruka did not respond.
"Fujio-san's the first man I've fallen for since your father, the first man who has kept my interest…"
"But why?" asked Haruka angrily, "What's so great about him?"
"Well, he is incredibly handsome, not as handsome as your father was, but he's a different type. He's…he's…oh, I can't explain, I'll tell you when your older."
"Please don't," Haruka muttered, not taken in by her mother's infatuation.
"Haruka, must I remind you yet again about your insolence?"
"Yeah, yeah, sorry." She sighed. Just what was so appealing about an unemployed, domineering man in the midst of a divorce? Sure, he may have been handsome…but was that enough to base a relationship on? Not for the first time, Haruka wished her mother was not so superficial.
"I think that if you just give him a chance, you'll grow to like him…"
Haruka snorted. Like him? Like hell she would! This guy was a total dick!
"But Mom, he was such an asshole last night…"
"Oh, Haruka, you must forgive him for that. You see, he has no idea how to act around children, and he was a bit drunk…and you weren't exactly polite, either. He shouldn't have been so rude…but I brawled him out about that."
This guy sure sounded like a real prince. He was unemployed, an adulterer (probably), domineering, he gets drunk (all the time, most likely), he hates children (or doesn't know how to act around them, same difference), he gets hard-ons in public (or at least in front of innocent bystanders), he was an asshole (obviously)…the list was endless.
"I know that you two got off to a rough start, but can you just let bygones be bygones? Can you give him another chance? For me?
Oh, shit, the guilt trip. 'For me', meaning 'Can you be nice to him for me? Can you accept him into our family, for me? Do you love me, because if you do, you want me to be happy, right?'
Haruka was given a powerful weapon, the weapon to sabotage her mother's relationship between her and her lover. If she decided to use this weapon, maybe her mother would give Hoshino up. But what of the consequences?
Haruka was not known to be a rational thinker, the previous days events as an example of her compulsiveness. But this was a serious decision. Her gut reaction was to shout her suspicions, to criticize the relationship, to drive this guy out of their lives with a vengeance. But…her compulsive behaviour frequently got her in trouble, and too often she had done something and then regretted it immediately afterwards. And what evidence did she have, beside her interpretations of a ten second conversation? She hadn't responded appropriately, either, so could she really hold his response against him? Could she sabotage the relationship because of her own misgivings?
Personal opinions aside, Haruka had to admit that her mother had seemed happier the last few weeks. And this morning…she was positively glowing as she spoke of Hoshino. What was worse? Having to deal with some strange guy, or having her mother be miserable? What was the greater evil?
Haruka loved her mother, despite her selfishness, despite her tendency to ignore her for months at a time, despite her superficiality. And because she loved her, she wanted her to be happy. Internal forces struggled deep within her; she was confused, she didn't know just how to deal with a situation such as this.
Should she voice her suspicions? Should she point out her opinions, and as a result strain the relationship between she and her mother, a relationship on shaky ground already? Should she be difficult, and sabotage the relationship between Hoshino and her mother?
No, she couldn't. Another battle, a top of many, was too much for her to bear. Personal opinions aside, she had no solid evidence against Hoshino. And would her mother even listen to her seriously? She doubted it. Between the choice of her lover or her daughter's happiness, Haruka was sure that her mother would choose Hoshino. And Haruka was hesitant to sabotage her own relationship with her mother. This was an opportunity to show her mother her support, to show her mother that she was mature enough to think of the feelings of others.
Haruka had made her decision. Sure, she resented this Hoshino for invading their lives, but considering the consequences, she would retreat. She would step aside, and let the relationship between her mother and Hoshino follow its course.
A mature decision, but was it the right one? Only time would tell.
"Mom," Haruka spoke slowly, weighing her words, "I…just want you to be happy.
Kotano breathed a sigh of relief; she had been so sure that her daughter was going to be difficult.
"I'm so happy that you understand, Haruka," said her mother, and kissed her on the forehead. "Just as soon as you're dressed, come into the kitchen, and I'll introduce you two properly."
She began to leave the room, but turned around as she exited through the doorway. "I'm just positive that everything's going to work out for the best." And then she was gone.
Haruka wasn't exactly optimistic, but things could hardly get any worse.
Could they?
*****
How to describe the epic meeting between Tenou Haruka and Hoshino Fujio? How to describe what was to be the breakdown of the family, the devastation of all three lives, the beginning of the end?
First impressions were seldom incorrect.
As was the case in this situation, Haruka's initial opinion remained unchanged. However, now she possessed evidence to back her opinion rather than theory.
Hoping to make a good impression (for her mother's sake), Haruka dressed with care. Instead of her usual torn jeans and baggy sweatshirts, she chose a pair of moderately dressy black pants and a blue ribbed turtleneck sweater, both purchased by her mother for some athletic banquet the previous year. So what if the pants were six inches too short, or the sleeves reached her elbows? It was the thought that counted, right?
She tried to fix her hair, she really did…but it kept slipping from her fingers. She tried piling it up on top of her head, only the entire bun collapsed when she moved. She tried braiding it, but she was unable to see behind her head and as a result the braid was entirely on the left side of her head. She tried curling her bangs around the hairbrush; it took her five minutes to untangle them. Defeated, Haruka simply tied her heavy hair back with an elastic band and ran her fingers through her long bangs. The hair was a lost cause.
Haruka was nervous about this second meeting. The night before they had parted on very bad terms…she distinctly recalled Hoshino calling her a 'brat' of some sort. She also remembered telling him to shut up…
But Haruka was willing to make an effort for her mother's sake.
She walked into the kitchen, and was greeted by her mother's shocked expression and harsh words.
"Haruka, what on earth are you wearing?" she had asked, jaw agape. Haruka was confused; hadn't she dressed in her finest?
Evidently not according to her mother. Despite Haruka's protests, Kotano was convinced that her daughter wore that ridiculously small outfit as an act of defiance towards her lover. But it hardly mattered; when Hoshino finally arrived he was clad in nothing but a pair of faded jeans and he looked unable to tell his face from his ass.
Apparently poor Hoshino had been so upset that he had been unable to sleep all night, her mother hastily explained. But Haruka saw through her mother's flimsy excuses; poor Hoshino was actually too hung-over to stand straight.
Suffice it to say, the meeting had gone steadily downhill from this point.
Hoshino was too impaired to follow a simple conversation, Haruka gave up after the third attempt, and Kotano just said excuse after excuse to justify Hoshino's behaviour.
The meeting ended abruptly after Hoshino threw up all over himself-and Kotano. Haruka had been too disgusted for words; she simply grabbed her jacket and bolted through the front door.
A real Prince was this Hoshino Fujio.
Amazing the effects a first (and second) impression could have on a relationship. But as the saying goes, first impressions are usually correct, and they are a reliable way to determine one's character.
The case of Hoshino was no exception.
*****
{Note to reader(s): I'm sorry if my story seems cruel towards Haruka…when I write, sometimes I'm shocked with the stuff I come up with. She's really my favourite character, and I don't like to see her in pain, but I believe that if she was born into an average family like Usagi's, well…then she'd be a lot more like Usagi! To become who she is I believe that she had fought her share of battles, and experienced her share of pain…Sorry if it's unpleasant to read. I promise that she'll have a bit of happiness in the near future :)
BTW, thanks to all who have continued reading. As always, comments and reviews, positive or negative, are greatly appreciated! It's the only way I'll learn.} Auf Wiedersehen!
-Brandt
It was rather obvious that they were intimate; Hoshino was in his underwear and had come out of her mother's bedroom. Not to mention how Hoshino cupped Kotano's ass, not to mention how he stuck his tongue in her ear, not to mention the huge lump in his boxers…
Haruka watched the man's display with revulsion, disgust written across her face. How her mother could let that man touch her so intimately was beyond her. Haruka wanted to stop him, wanted to hurt him…but restrained herself.
Kotano gave him a look, and he laughed. "Sorry, babe, my hands must have a mind of their own."
Hoshino grinned slyly, pinched Kotano's ass, and winked at Haruka.
That did it. Haruka stormed past them angrily, towards her room. She could not bear to watch that man manhandle her mother.
"Haruka, wait," called her mother, but Hoshino interrupted her.
"Just let the kid go, babe. Why don't we go to bed, and leave the introductions for later?"
Haruka slammed her door with incredible force; the house rattled and the doorframe cracked. Bastard!
Seething, she kicked her shoes off, and they hit the closet door with a bang. She moved towards her dresser and started hurling her numerous sports trophies. She probably had over 100…none survived.
Not enough, never enough! She slammed her fist through the wall, she kicked her dresser, she threw herself on her bed and started beating her fists against the pillow…
And still the rage possessed her.
"What the fuck is going on?" Yelled Hoshino; Haruka threw her bedside lamp against the door and the bastard's voice was drowned in the sound of breaking ceramic.
"Haruka!" cried her mother, and Haruka heard her footsteps approaching her door.
Quick as a flash, Haruka pushed her dresser against the door. The damn lock had been broken for the longest time.
Someone started banging on the door; the desperate, pleading voice of her mother and the angry, threatening voice of Hoshino could be heard coming from behind it. Haruka covered her head with her hands.
"Haruka! Haruka! What's wrong with you?"
"Hey, you stupid brat! What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
"Shut UP!" she screamed, and hurled her 'athlete of the year' medal at the door.
She couldn't take this. After everything that had happened today, this was just too much. She quickly changed from her uniform into a pair of worn jeans and a baggy red sweater, opened her window, and climbed through it.
The narrow ledge would hold her weight; she had done this before. With the skill of a gymnast, Haruka jumped from the window and grasped the drainpipe with both hands. She climbed the narrow pole with expertise, not giving the eleven-floor drop a passing thought.
She reached the end of the drainpipe. Effortlessly she swung from the pipe and landed on the roof of the apartment.
The rage that claimed her began to lose its power. On the roof, she was able to let go of her problems; she was able to emerge from her pain.
Here she was free to be herself.
From fourteen stories above the ground she stood, the world at her feet. The sky was dark but for the twinkling lights of the city. From here the city looked different: the filth of the streets hidden below, beyond her range of vision. Here, she was closer to the sky than the ground, here she heard nothing but the wind rustling through her ears, here she felt nothing but the caress of the wind against her cheek. Here there was no prejudice, no hate, no laughter, no scorn. Here she was able to reflect upon her life.
Below…her mother and that horrible man, Saeki and the others like him, Ozawa and the faculty, those who condemned her, those who ostracized her, those who hurt her…
They couldn't touch her.
Haruka sat on the edge of the building, and gazed outside her own world of poverty and oppression, to the centre of Osaka and beyond, where wealth and prosperity reigned.
How was it that none were born equal? How was it that some were blessed whereas others were cursed?
Who decided whether one was to succeed or to fail? Who decided whether one was to have opportunities or to have hardships?
Why was it that there were others who were loved, who were understood, who were protected…when there were others unloved, misunderstood and threatened?
There was no logic, no formula, of course. No matter how often she pondered the mysteries of life, no answer became clear. So many things were unexplained. Was life random or predetermined? Was life a test or a punishment?
The wind held no answers, but offered comfort. On the roof, above the ground, tomorrow had no meaning. The difficulties that she had left below were of no consequence. Nothing mattered here, she could forget…if only for a brief interlude. The same feeling she experienced driving, the same feeling she experienced running, the feeling of power, the feeling of escape…
Her sanctuary.
She gazed out towards the horizon, and felt the wind blowing around her.
The day she had become a woman her world had changed. Yet, life's mysteries remained unsolved. She had gained no wisdom but only new obstacles and new battles.
Haruka looked up at the sky, and felt the familiar feeling of escape coming over her. Her problems began to slip away as she entered her haven.
Nothing mattered but here and now.
*****
She awakened the next morning in her room with no recollection of how she had got there. The events of the previous night were distorted; she remembered an argument, trashing her room, going out on the roof, and pondering the meaning of life…
As always, she was unable to recall anything past the moment when she became the wind.
Groggily she opened her eyes. And sat up with a start. The chaos from the night before greeted her.
"Holy shit!" she gasped as the full extent of the damage was revealed to her.
Her closet door was full of dark marks, there were numerous holes in the wall, there were indents in her dresser, and her many trophies and medals were scattered in pieces on the floor. The door had also been torn off its hinges.
Her mother was going to murder her.
She had been so upset last night that she hadn't thought to ponder the consequences of her actions. Now, the full realisation of what she had done hit her. The room was totalled.
Through the doorway walked her mother. Shit.
Kotano surveyed the damage with a pained expression on her beautiful face.
Haruka suddenly felt incredibly guilty. Her mother had a hard enough time as it was…and for her to destroy her room, on top of all the other trouble she had gotten into yesterday…
Kotano sat on the edge of Haruka's bed, saying nothing. Just looking at the girl whom she had given birth to, as if she didn't recognise her own daughter.
Haruka was conscious of how haggard she must have appeared; she tried to fix her hair, but her mother took her hand.
Kotano looked at the hand in her palm, the hand once so small but now longer than her own. She ran her fingers through her daughter's long, wheat coloured hair and smoothed the unruly strands. Kotano lifted her hand to her daughter's cheek, and held her face softly. Kotano looked deep into her daughter's blue-grey eyes…similar to Okura's but for the green rim around the iris. Her daughter.
Haruka could hardly breathe. She could not remember the last time her mother had touched her so gently, or the last time her mother had looked at her so deeply. She was starved for affection, the gentle touches fulfilled a deep need. Haruka looked at her mother lovingly, loving the feel of her hands on her face, loving the feeling of being taken care of.
Kotano placed her hand over her daughter's shoulder and gently massaged it. Haruka closed her eyes, enjoying the gentle pressure. It felt so good to be touched, but too soon her mother stopped.
Haruka opened her eyes questionably, and was shocked to see tears swimming in her mother's eyes.
"Mom," she whispered, suddenly afraid. Oh, God, what had she done now?
Kotano wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "Sorry, Haruka…I don't know what's come over me. I guess the last twenty four hours have been hard on us both." She smiled shakily. "You gave us quite a scare last night, you know,"
The guilt increased tenfold.
"I did?" she asked.
"Of course, silly, what do you think? You were screaming and throwing things, Haruka! I was afraid that you'd hurt yourself! I was so scared that I told Fujio-san to break the door down! When he did, how do you think I felt when I saw that you weren't there? That the window was open? For one horrible moment I thought…"
"Oh, Mom," Haruka moaned, and buried her face in her pillow.
"I was distraught, we almost called the police…but when we returned to your room…there you were, asleep. Jesus, Haruka! Don't you ever frighten me like this again!"
Kotano was shaking; Haruka embraced her and held her close. Oh, God, how could she have been so inconsiderate?
"I'm sorry," she said, miserably, "I'm so sorry, Mom, I'll never do it again…"
Her mother smiled through her tears. "When I look at you, I see that you've grown considerably. It seems that only yesterday you were a child…how is it that you've changed without me noticing? I see you, but I don't…where is the child I once held in my arms?"
Haruka did not know how to respond. How could she respond to a statement like that?
"You've always been a mystery to me, Haruka. It seems that I've never been able to understand you. I see the things you've done, but I don't see the meaning behind your actions. In your face, I see pieces of myself, pieces of your father…but nothing beyond."
"What…are you saying?" asked Haruka anxiously.
Kotano ran her fingers through her daughter's hair. "I am saying that it is hard for me to grasp just who you are. Don't look at me that way, I don't mean to hurt you. I just find it difficult to understand you…but that doesn't mean that I don't care. I am trying to look past the things you've done, and see the meaning behind them…but am unable to."
"I don't fully understand myself," Haruka replied.
"I know," her mother soothed, holding her daughter's head in her lap. "I know that you're confused, and I know that you're hurting…and although I don't understand you, I still care. When I saw the open window last night, for one horrible moment I thought that I'd lost you,"
"I'm sorry…"
"It was not until that moment that I realised just how much I cared, and how much you meant to me. Why is it the threat of losing someone that shows you just what they mean to you?" Kotano suddenly looked remorseful.
"You do mean a lot to me, Haruka. I know that I can seem unsympathetic at times, but please let me assure you that you are important to me. I don't do the things I do to hurt you…"
"I know, Mom," she replied sadly.
It was true, Haruka did know that her mother cared for her, but it still hurt that she only showed her affections when it pleased her. Even though the knowledge was reassuring, Haruka still needed attention more than once every few months. She needed her mother everyday, she needed her mother to listen to her and be there for her always. It was hard being alone, and the occasional affections she received from her mother only made the void deeper afterwards. The longing, the need for love and affection, it could not be fulfilled by infrequent occurrences. Haruka wanted her mother by her side always…but Kotano always distanced herself eventually. Then, she was alone again.
Kotano looked around the room, absorbing the damage. "I must say that I'm unhappy about the state of your room, but material things can be replaced. I'm just happy that you're safe."
Kotano rose from the bed and straightened her skirt. "Now, there is another matter that I must discuss with you…"
"Oh, shit," moaned Haruka.
Kotano shot her a dark glance. "Language, please. I am referring to Fujio-san, of course. Whether you like it or not, he's moved in with us."
Haruka buried herself under her covers, not wanting to hear what her mother was going to say. Oh, God! When her mother had held her, Haruka had completely forgotten about Hoshino. She couldn't bear to hear her mother swoon over this new man of hers.
"Young lady, don't you hide from me!" yelled Kotano, and with a swift motion pulled the blanket off the bed. Haruka desperately hid her head under her pillow. Her mother scowled and smacked her daughter lightly on the butt.
"Hey!" Haruka exclaimed, mortified.
"Seriously, Tenou Haruka! You are thirteen years old! Stop behaving like such a child!"
Her mother did have a point. She was a bit old to be acting so childishly. Especially considering that she was about four inches taller than her mother and weighed about the same…Sighing with resignation, Haruka sat up on the edge of the bed and prepared herself for the inevitable.
"That's better. Now, you are old enough to understand the relationships that go on between a man and a woman…"
No! Don't talk about sex, anything but sex!
"Um, yes…they taught us ALL about that at school," said Haruka cautiously, putting heavy emphasis on the word 'all'. The last thing she wanted to hear about was her mother's sex life.
"And you are aware that many couples do not abide by society's laws in regards to marriage…"
Haruka snorted. "Of course I am! You and Dad weren't exactly married, either,"
Her mother scowled, "Don't be so brazen, Haruka! I guess I should be relieved that you're so worldly, but I do not have to put up with your insolence!"
A sly grin crept onto her face. Haruka loved the rise she could get out of her mother.
"And wipe that smirk off your face! Geez, to be judged by my own daughter…" Kotano placed her hands on her hips, and gave her daughter a very angry look.
This only served to widen Haruka's grin.
Kotano threw up her hands in frustration. "Ok, Ok, enough with the joking! I don't know what you find so funny…our 'premarital agreement' puts you in a bad light, too,"
("Your father's a fraud and your mother's a whore…you're nothing but a bastard…")
Haruka's smile suddenly disappeared as she recalled what Principal Ozawa had said regarding the subject…
("…nothing but a bastard…")
"…ruka…Haruka! Are you listening to me?"
Haruka was aware that her mother was looking at her strangely. She pushed all thoughts on Ozawa's words from her mind, and focused her attention on her mother.
"Sorry, Mom, what was that you said?"
Kotano exhaled with exasperation. "I asked you if you had any questions."
Any questions?
"Uh, yeah," she replied sardonically, "Just one. Who the hell is this guy?"
Kotano was not amused by her daughter's candour, as confirmation her eyebrows narrowed and her lips thinned.
"A contractor," her mother said, "Who's hard on his luck."
Meaning the bastard had no job and no means of supporting himself. Maybe Haruka was cynical, but after her life experiences, she had reason to doubt this man.
"He's in the midst of a divorce…" her mother had explained, "He and his wife are currently fighting over their finances…
"Do you have anything to do with that?" asked Haruka outright.
"Haruka!" her mother was mortified, but Haruka couldn't help but notice a faint blush colouring her mother's cheeks.
"Sorry, sorry…so, how'd you meet him?
"Well, I met him when I was working…
Always an ideal location to met the man of your dreams, in a dingy bar, thought Haruka with cynicism
"…he ordered, we talked, on the bill he left his phone number…"
Oh! The romance!
"I didn't accept the first time, but damned if he didn't start coming everyday, even asked my boss for my schedule! He was so persistent…I thought it was so romantic!" Kotano smiled softly.
Haruka disagreed; she considered it to be more akin to stalking, but she kept her mouth shut.
"I accepted after he refused to let me leave the restaurant without an answer…" her mother sighed wistfully, "after that, he wouldn't let me out of his sight."
A strange feeling grew within Haruka; she didn't like the sound of this. Not one bit.
"But why has he moved in? I mean, you've had *tons* of other boyfriends before…what makes this guy so special?"
"Honestly, Haruka, must you phrase things so tactlessly? I guess you're too young to understand, but when you fall in love…"and here her tone changed from angry to tender, "…nothing matters but that person. You want to spend all your time with them, you never want to be apart…"
"Wow, Mom, I didn't know you were such a sucker for clichés," remarked Haruka scornfully but as Kotano's mind was occupied with thoughts of love, her daughter's tone was ignored.
"Oh, how did you get to be so cynical?" Kotano teased, obviously still thinking about Hoshino, "One day, you'll meet a nice boy, and then you'll see just what I mean."
Haruka did not respond.
"Fujio-san's the first man I've fallen for since your father, the first man who has kept my interest…"
"But why?" asked Haruka angrily, "What's so great about him?"
"Well, he is incredibly handsome, not as handsome as your father was, but he's a different type. He's…he's…oh, I can't explain, I'll tell you when your older."
"Please don't," Haruka muttered, not taken in by her mother's infatuation.
"Haruka, must I remind you yet again about your insolence?"
"Yeah, yeah, sorry." She sighed. Just what was so appealing about an unemployed, domineering man in the midst of a divorce? Sure, he may have been handsome…but was that enough to base a relationship on? Not for the first time, Haruka wished her mother was not so superficial.
"I think that if you just give him a chance, you'll grow to like him…"
Haruka snorted. Like him? Like hell she would! This guy was a total dick!
"But Mom, he was such an asshole last night…"
"Oh, Haruka, you must forgive him for that. You see, he has no idea how to act around children, and he was a bit drunk…and you weren't exactly polite, either. He shouldn't have been so rude…but I brawled him out about that."
This guy sure sounded like a real prince. He was unemployed, an adulterer (probably), domineering, he gets drunk (all the time, most likely), he hates children (or doesn't know how to act around them, same difference), he gets hard-ons in public (or at least in front of innocent bystanders), he was an asshole (obviously)…the list was endless.
"I know that you two got off to a rough start, but can you just let bygones be bygones? Can you give him another chance? For me?
Oh, shit, the guilt trip. 'For me', meaning 'Can you be nice to him for me? Can you accept him into our family, for me? Do you love me, because if you do, you want me to be happy, right?'
Haruka was given a powerful weapon, the weapon to sabotage her mother's relationship between her and her lover. If she decided to use this weapon, maybe her mother would give Hoshino up. But what of the consequences?
Haruka was not known to be a rational thinker, the previous days events as an example of her compulsiveness. But this was a serious decision. Her gut reaction was to shout her suspicions, to criticize the relationship, to drive this guy out of their lives with a vengeance. But…her compulsive behaviour frequently got her in trouble, and too often she had done something and then regretted it immediately afterwards. And what evidence did she have, beside her interpretations of a ten second conversation? She hadn't responded appropriately, either, so could she really hold his response against him? Could she sabotage the relationship because of her own misgivings?
Personal opinions aside, Haruka had to admit that her mother had seemed happier the last few weeks. And this morning…she was positively glowing as she spoke of Hoshino. What was worse? Having to deal with some strange guy, or having her mother be miserable? What was the greater evil?
Haruka loved her mother, despite her selfishness, despite her tendency to ignore her for months at a time, despite her superficiality. And because she loved her, she wanted her to be happy. Internal forces struggled deep within her; she was confused, she didn't know just how to deal with a situation such as this.
Should she voice her suspicions? Should she point out her opinions, and as a result strain the relationship between she and her mother, a relationship on shaky ground already? Should she be difficult, and sabotage the relationship between Hoshino and her mother?
No, she couldn't. Another battle, a top of many, was too much for her to bear. Personal opinions aside, she had no solid evidence against Hoshino. And would her mother even listen to her seriously? She doubted it. Between the choice of her lover or her daughter's happiness, Haruka was sure that her mother would choose Hoshino. And Haruka was hesitant to sabotage her own relationship with her mother. This was an opportunity to show her mother her support, to show her mother that she was mature enough to think of the feelings of others.
Haruka had made her decision. Sure, she resented this Hoshino for invading their lives, but considering the consequences, she would retreat. She would step aside, and let the relationship between her mother and Hoshino follow its course.
A mature decision, but was it the right one? Only time would tell.
"Mom," Haruka spoke slowly, weighing her words, "I…just want you to be happy.
Kotano breathed a sigh of relief; she had been so sure that her daughter was going to be difficult.
"I'm so happy that you understand, Haruka," said her mother, and kissed her on the forehead. "Just as soon as you're dressed, come into the kitchen, and I'll introduce you two properly."
She began to leave the room, but turned around as she exited through the doorway. "I'm just positive that everything's going to work out for the best." And then she was gone.
Haruka wasn't exactly optimistic, but things could hardly get any worse.
Could they?
*****
How to describe the epic meeting between Tenou Haruka and Hoshino Fujio? How to describe what was to be the breakdown of the family, the devastation of all three lives, the beginning of the end?
First impressions were seldom incorrect.
As was the case in this situation, Haruka's initial opinion remained unchanged. However, now she possessed evidence to back her opinion rather than theory.
Hoping to make a good impression (for her mother's sake), Haruka dressed with care. Instead of her usual torn jeans and baggy sweatshirts, she chose a pair of moderately dressy black pants and a blue ribbed turtleneck sweater, both purchased by her mother for some athletic banquet the previous year. So what if the pants were six inches too short, or the sleeves reached her elbows? It was the thought that counted, right?
She tried to fix her hair, she really did…but it kept slipping from her fingers. She tried piling it up on top of her head, only the entire bun collapsed when she moved. She tried braiding it, but she was unable to see behind her head and as a result the braid was entirely on the left side of her head. She tried curling her bangs around the hairbrush; it took her five minutes to untangle them. Defeated, Haruka simply tied her heavy hair back with an elastic band and ran her fingers through her long bangs. The hair was a lost cause.
Haruka was nervous about this second meeting. The night before they had parted on very bad terms…she distinctly recalled Hoshino calling her a 'brat' of some sort. She also remembered telling him to shut up…
But Haruka was willing to make an effort for her mother's sake.
She walked into the kitchen, and was greeted by her mother's shocked expression and harsh words.
"Haruka, what on earth are you wearing?" she had asked, jaw agape. Haruka was confused; hadn't she dressed in her finest?
Evidently not according to her mother. Despite Haruka's protests, Kotano was convinced that her daughter wore that ridiculously small outfit as an act of defiance towards her lover. But it hardly mattered; when Hoshino finally arrived he was clad in nothing but a pair of faded jeans and he looked unable to tell his face from his ass.
Apparently poor Hoshino had been so upset that he had been unable to sleep all night, her mother hastily explained. But Haruka saw through her mother's flimsy excuses; poor Hoshino was actually too hung-over to stand straight.
Suffice it to say, the meeting had gone steadily downhill from this point.
Hoshino was too impaired to follow a simple conversation, Haruka gave up after the third attempt, and Kotano just said excuse after excuse to justify Hoshino's behaviour.
The meeting ended abruptly after Hoshino threw up all over himself-and Kotano. Haruka had been too disgusted for words; she simply grabbed her jacket and bolted through the front door.
A real Prince was this Hoshino Fujio.
Amazing the effects a first (and second) impression could have on a relationship. But as the saying goes, first impressions are usually correct, and they are a reliable way to determine one's character.
The case of Hoshino was no exception.
*****
{Note to reader(s): I'm sorry if my story seems cruel towards Haruka…when I write, sometimes I'm shocked with the stuff I come up with. She's really my favourite character, and I don't like to see her in pain, but I believe that if she was born into an average family like Usagi's, well…then she'd be a lot more like Usagi! To become who she is I believe that she had fought her share of battles, and experienced her share of pain…Sorry if it's unpleasant to read. I promise that she'll have a bit of happiness in the near future :)
BTW, thanks to all who have continued reading. As always, comments and reviews, positive or negative, are greatly appreciated! It's the only way I'll learn.} Auf Wiedersehen!
-Brandt