Sleep became a constant struggle as the dreams continued to plague her subconscious. Dreams of death, destruction…but those weren't the dreams that caused her to simultaneously dread and look forward to sleeping.
Alone and confused, Haruka fought the temptation but was unable to resist her urges; despite the struggle, she gave in as the ache spread throughout her body and took control.
Beyond her control…
As her body changed new feelings were born. During the day these feelings were easy to avoid, easy to deny, but when night fell and she lay alone in bed they took over, they raged beyond her control. She knew that it was wrong, dirty, sinful…but was unable to stop herself. The cravings were too great, too strong to ignore. Or to avoid: despite her struggles she eventually caved in to her desires.
Her body would scream with the effort to keep silent; she wanted to scream, to gasp and moan and shriek. Muffled by the pillow, her voice rose no higher than a whimper but she heard it echo throughout the walls of her head all the same. Sweat trickled down her face as she desperately made one last effort to suppress the tidal wave of desire…but for naught. Every time the desire won, every time she lost control and was helpless to her starved, demanding body. A lost cause, a never-ending struggle to suppress the desires that ran rampage throughout herself.
Shaking, she raised her hands and made her body sing. Her hands shook as she fulfilled her body's needs…with exhilaration, with anticipation…but also with fear and shame. It felt so good, so unbelievably good, an itch that cried to be scratched, felt so good yet when it was over…
When it was over…
Then the guilt would come, and with the guilt came the shame. The disgust, the feeling of being dirty, soiled, used. Tears would build behind her eyes; she wouldn't let them fall. No, she had her pride, damnit! She would not cry! Not for something as pathetic as this, no, not her, Tenou Haruka! It didn't matter if no one was there to witness her shame, it didn't matter that she was completely and utterly alone, no, for she still saw. She saw…and was ashamed of her weakness, of her lack of control, of herself. No matter how fast she ran, no matter how strongly she revisited, the feelings always caught up and took hold of her. Kicking and screaming did no good; neither did pleading or crying. No, best surrender with your pride intact.
Haruka's mind was torn in two: did she fight these feelings or did she surrender?
But when it was over…she lay alone in her bed that seemed simultaneously too small and too large, she lay alone. Shaking, sweating from the expenditure, she would close her eyes and try to fight the shame that always followed. But she was too weak; the shame infiltrated through her, taking her; resistance was futile. One must pay for the consequences of one's actions, after all, and the shame was therefore justifiable. She lay there and took her punishment, hating herself for being so weak yet knowing that she deserved this.
The pain, the shame, the self-loath…she deserved this. For wasn't she just as the boys said? Didn't she do these dirty, sinful things? It was a part of her, yes, but a part that must be hidden and repressed from the world, from herself.
The worst part wasn't the caving in, nor was it the guilt. No, the worst part was the fact that she enjoyed it. She longed for these feelings; she anticipated the way her body responded to her efforts. With surrender came relief. She wanted this, she wanted these feelings, she wanted these dirty, sinful feelings to ravage her body and leave her breathless.
That was made the guilt unbearable. She was not a victim of uncontrollable feelings, but a participant. The reason she was unable to resist was that she wanted this. Her body was stronger than her mind; matter over mind in this circumstance. Internally she hated herself for this, she dreaded these feelings but externally she longed for them, craved them with an unsustainable passion. A battle between her body and her mind; her body emerged victorious every time.
And when it was over, when her body's needs were quenched and fulfilled, then her mind would retaliate by submerging her with the shame, the guilt, the embarrassment, the self-hate. The punishment for betraying herself…and for failing to abide to the expectations of society.
The expectations of society: no that was not what really bothered her. She had always been an outcast and had never abided by society's rules or expectations so fear of their backlash wasn't the true reason she fled this part of herself. Other's opinions of her be damned; it mattered not if they disapproved of her. What they didn't know wouldn't hurt them…and damned if it did.
No, the reason she was ashamed, the reason why she denied this part of herself was not because she believed society to be right, it was not because she feared their disapproval. It was not because she feared their condemnation.
So what did she fear? Why was it that she felt shame, guilt, self-loath about this part of herself? If it wasn't society's opinions, then what could have caused her to hate this part of her? What could penetrate through her wall, what could cause her to question herself and her feelings?
Her mother.
What would Kotano say if she ever suspected? How would she feel towards her daughter, the one who always failed to impress her or meet her expectations, the one who always managed to disappoint her? Their relationship was already crumbling because of Hoshino-what would happen if the truth were revealed?
If the truth were revealed, if Kotano discovered her secret, then the relationship would be finished. Her mother was a critical person who disregarded anything that offended her or was opposite to her beliefs. Kotano was a woman who was set in her ways, unable to see beyond her own limited opinions, unwilling to try. And it just so happened that she was violently opposed to homosexuality.
With these feelings questions arose within her; she sought desperately for answers.
When Haruka first started having these feelings, she had turned to her mother for advice. She remembered a time not long ago, when she had been about ten. Although she and her mother had never had 'the talk', her mother would often hint about sexual changes and feelings that she was to expect. So Haruka concluded that it would be OK to ask for help learning just what these sensations were.
Her mother had been at her vanity table; applying bronzer to her lovely face, and Haruka had been sitting on her mother's bed, watching Kotano's beauty ritual. She watched her mother's transformation from a pretty woman into a creature too gorgeous for words with a mixture of amazement and wonder. Kotano spoke to her daughter as she brushed her shimmering mane of platinum hair.
"You must always take good care of yourself," she had said, concentrating on her reflection in the mirror, scrutinizing her features and arranging her hair so it fell in soft waves around her face. She contorted her face critically and rubbed a small amount of cream under her eyes.
"It doesn't matter if you're just going to a party or just around the corner, a woman is always judged by her appearance." She gazed at her face with admiration in the mirror, "How old would you say I am, Haruka?"
Haruka had answered, "Mid twenties, why?" Confused on why it mattered, on why her mother would spend hours moaning over any number of small things such as a wrinkle only able to be seen with her magnifying mirror.
Her mother had smiled with satisfaction, "because where ever you go, there are always men. And men always have one thing on their mind: sex. Now don't you give me that face, young lady! You're old enough to know what happens between a man and a woman, and you're old enough to know that I am a woman, not just your mother."
Haruka knew...she just didn't like hearing about it. Her mother gave her this line whenever she didn't come home at night or whenever one of her boyfriends got a little grabby.
"A woman must always be aware of her appearance," she lectured, "for men are critical. Let yourself slip, and they'll notice." She pursed her lips and blotted them with a tissue. "You could meet The One any day in any place. Be aware that you're always on display, that whenever you go out you are presenting yourself to the world. You're just a kid now, but before long you'll understand the importance of all this. Before long you'll meet a handsome boy and this will all make sense."
Haruka remembered feeling uneasy; she remembered looking down into her lap and thinking
{Why is talking about boys oh god does she suspect does she know???}
Kotano turned from her mirror and faced her daughter; Haruka recalled the scrutiny of her gaze, she felt as if her mother was trying to see into her thoughts. A faint blush coloured her cheeks; she lowered her eyes, as her mother's stare was unsettling.
Kotano walked over to her daughter and sat beside her on the bed. Without words she stared into her daughter's eyes, something must have displeased her as she had frowned and lines appeared between her brows.
Haruka remembered becoming more and more nervous as her mother's gaze was unwavering; she began to sweat uncomfortably.
However, Kotano was not concerned with what was going through her daughter's head, she hadn't a clue of what her daughter was thinking. In fact the idea of her being gay hadn't even crossed her mind.
"You're a handsome girl, Haruka." She said. "A little too tall and a little too thin, perhaps, but you have definite possibilities. You are your father's daughter, after all, and although he was a deadbeat, he was probably the best looking man I've ever dated." She stood up and motioned for her daughter to do the same; Haruka obeyed cautiously, unsure of what her mother was thinking, of what she wanted, unsure on how to proceed.
Unsure if she was relieved that her mother hadn't seen or disappointed because that meant she'd have to tell her mother herself.
Lead towards the vanity table, seated before the large mirror, Haruka caught sight of herself behind the glass; too tall, too thin, her mother's exotic looks overshadowed by her father's stronger, harder features.
(You are your father's daughter)
Her mother stood behind her, looking into the mirror intently at her daughter's reflection.
"You have good bone structure," she had said, "well proportioned features, high cheekbones…very well shaped face. With a little work this could work."
Taking out a hairbrush Kotano pulled her daughter's hair from it's ponytail and ran it through the untamed tresses with expertise; she then took out her scissors and trimmed her daughter's uneven bangs and the ends of her hair. Braided with a blue ribbon, trimmed and brushed it hardly resembled its former disarray. Humming softly, Kotano rummaged through her make-up drawer and came out with a vast selection of different products, the majority unknown to Haruka. Silver shadow applied gently to her eyelids, pink gloss to her lips, dark mascara to her lashes, Haruka had the odd sensation that she was being overwritten. That she was being tailored to her mother's fashion, that she was being cloaked and hidden behind paint.
With a sigh of satisfaction, Kotano smiled and said, "Finished! Now look at the difference, I can barely recognise you!" Said happily, as if it were a good thing.
Haruka looked into the mirror and did not recognise the figure behind it; behind the glass was a girl who looked older, more feminine, more like her mother. Less like her father…and less like herself.
Torn between conflicting emotions, she was happy that she no longer resembled the man she hated, but despondent because she no longer looked as she had before.
Kotano was thrilled with the results; Haruka hid her discomfort as not to upset her mother. Her mother's feelings came first, after all. They always had.
"In a few years you'll be a real beauty," her mother said, "who is bound to find a nice boy and settle down. When the time comes I'll be there to help you find an appropriate candidate."
Now was her chance! Quickly, before her mother could continue, before she could stop herself, Haruka asked her mother the question that had been troubling her for the past few months.
A shadow had passed over her mother's features then; something cold glittered in her eyes.
"That is not an issue," she had said angrily, her voice rising, "You are not to think those thoughts! You are not to question yourself that way! That is absolutely dirty, Haruka! What has put such thoughts in your head?"
A panicky feeling emerged in the pit of her stomach; her head hurt and she felt miserable. Her eyes lowered, she was unable to face her mother.
"Look at me, damnit, Haruka!" her mother had demanded; slowly Haruka met her mother's furious gaze. Eyes ablaze, nostrils flared, Kotano was no longer beautiful.
"You are to forget those dirty thoughts!" she hollered, her voice steadily rising, "Do you hear me? Forget them! There is no way that you're…there is no reason for you to question yourself!"
Haruka averted her gaze; her mother jerked her head up and refused to let her escape.
"Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Hands shaking, she summoned all of her courage and looked her mother directly in the eye and revealed the fears that had been lurking in the depths of her mind; brought forth with urgency, as if unspoken now they would be unable to be spoken ever again. Now or never, as the saying goes.
"But what if I was?" she had asked shakily but bravely.
What happened next was so strongly engraved into her mind that it would haunt her for years, it would be the basis of many of her decisions and would result in how she judged herself and her lifestyle. It would cost her much happiness, and cause her much pain. It would set a barrier between her and those who cared for her; it would prevent her from fulfilling her own needs and desires. Basically, it would follow her and impact her decisions and actions, and shatter her self-confidence. It would cripple her indefinitely.
"You're not." Her mother replied with exasperation. "Enough of this foolishness, Haruka, you are trying my patience.
"But what if…what if I was?" she stammered, throwing caution to the wind; she had to know. She dared to say the word aloud. "What if I was gay? What then…"
The hand struck her face with considerable power; Haruka hadn't seen it coming. Her face very pale with the mark of a handprint across her face, her eyes wide open in disbelief, Haruka turned her other cheek to her mother and awaited her punishment. As if she deserved her mother's wrath for even daring to challenge her beliefs.
Kotano raised her hand and struck the offered cheek with a vengeance, not heedful of the significance of her daughter's gesture. Not caring; all she saw was her daughter being difficult, all she saw was her daughter disobeying her.
Haruka was shocked at her mother's violent display, shocked at the wild look that had sprung into her eyes, shocked at her aggression. She couldn't speak; all that emerged from her throat were odd gasping sounds.
It took a moment for Kotano to register just what she had done; she stared at her hand as if it were alien to her. Then at the figure crumpled on the floor, holding her cheek and uttering small-strangled cries.
A strange look passed over her face; a mixture of surprise, dismay and fear, disbelief that she could hit her own child. But behind her fear was a stronger, colder feeling, a feeling undecipherable to her but present nonetheless. What was that look in her eye? It was cruel, vicious…could it be satisfaction that she had gotten her point across? Despite the means?
"Oh my God, Haruka," she cried out and knelt beside her daughter, tried to touch her poor red face…but Haruka flinched, her eyes distraught.
Looking up at her pitifully, Haruka found herself unable to move; she was shaking all over. She remembered thinking
{she'll hate me ohmigod what will she do if she finds out?}
and cowering, frightened, wanting her mother to love her. The slap had been a shock, but her mother's words had maimed her more than any physical punishment could.
"Oh Haruka sweetheart, oh I'm so sorry Mommy's so sorry oh my poor baby…" she rambled on, unmindful to what she was saying, heedless to all but the fear in her daughter's eyes.
"Mommy," she repeated thoughtfully, unable to remember her mother ever describing herself that way. Or her mother ever calling her sweetheart or baby…
Kotano hugged her daughter close to her; Haruka cringed inwardly.
"I didn't mean to," she rambled, "I didn't mean to hurt you come on Haruka sweetie look at me please I'm so sorry Mommy's so sorry…"
Haruka couldn't bear to look at her mother; she knew that although the slap had been unintentional, the meaning behind it was not. The slap was only a symptom of her mother's anger, her mother's hate…what truly hurt her was the meaning behind the slap. Excuses didn't change the fact that her mother felt this way, and no words could take away the burning sensation that the slap had imprinted in her mind.
But at least she knew. There was to be no second-guessing herself now that her mother's reaction had been witnessed. Now that she knew how she felt Haruka knew that her true self was best repressed, hidden-and denied. This knowledge, the knowledge that her mother would not accept her for who she was, caused Haruka pain; she felt that she had lost something significant. Indeed she had; Haruka had lost faith in her mother. The child's perception that her mother would love her no matter what was shattered; the realisation caused her to lose a piece of her childhood. No longer was she able to believe in the eternal love of a mother towards her child; she now knew that there were limitations and exceptions.
"…ruka? Haruka!" her mother pleaded desperately, "Please answer me! Haruka, I'm sorry please answer me!"
Turning her gaze towards her mother, Kotano was shocked to see the emptiness in her daughter's eyes. As if she had lost something significant…
"Haruka, please forgive me," her mother hastily pleaded, "You just gave me such a shock! But you didn't mean it, did you, honey?" asked with anxiety, not for her daughter's forgiveness but with fear that Haruka really had meant what she said.
Trembling, Haruka met her mother's gaze. "I…I didn't mean it. I'm sorry that I upset you, Mom. I forgive you."
Mom, not Mommy…Haruka couldn't bear to call her that. Not after all that had been said.
The lie caused her angst, but it was necessary. No, it was better to lie to her mother than for her to learn the truth, even if it meant lying to herself. Her mother always came first. Always.
Kotano literally sighed in relief; Haruka knew that she had salvaged their relationship yet why was she unhappy?
"Now don't ever scare me that way again!" Kotano exclaimed, "And don't you ever doubt yourself that way. You understand why I reacted that way, don't you? You understand why I was so angry, right?"
Remaining unsaid but clearly evident in her mother's expression was
{you had better understand or else don't even think of disobeying me}
Sighing miserably, Haruka had nodded.
She understood, oh how she did! If she were to defy her mother and come out, then she would lose her. Her mother, her only family, the only one who hadn't left her, the only one she allowed herself to love…she could not disappoint her. No, not if it meant denying herself, not if it meant being unable to love another.
On remembering this scene, she shivered and embraced herself. No matter how difficult, no matter how lonely, she would follow her mother's words; she would never reveal her true feelings. If it meant a life without love, then so be it. If it meant a life without a partner, then so be it. If it meant being alone forever…then so be it. There was no way she would risk losing the only person she loved…even at the expense of losing another.
{Sorry about how long this took, but this segment was very difficult to write. This is only the first half of the chapter but I thought that I'd post it anyway as it stands on its own (and it will be a while before the second half is done!)
As always, all feedback is appreciated and I look forward to hearing from you! Feel free to leave a review () or email me at micherukhotmail.com Thanks, see you next segment! }
-Brandt
Alone and confused, Haruka fought the temptation but was unable to resist her urges; despite the struggle, she gave in as the ache spread throughout her body and took control.
Beyond her control…
As her body changed new feelings were born. During the day these feelings were easy to avoid, easy to deny, but when night fell and she lay alone in bed they took over, they raged beyond her control. She knew that it was wrong, dirty, sinful…but was unable to stop herself. The cravings were too great, too strong to ignore. Or to avoid: despite her struggles she eventually caved in to her desires.
Her body would scream with the effort to keep silent; she wanted to scream, to gasp and moan and shriek. Muffled by the pillow, her voice rose no higher than a whimper but she heard it echo throughout the walls of her head all the same. Sweat trickled down her face as she desperately made one last effort to suppress the tidal wave of desire…but for naught. Every time the desire won, every time she lost control and was helpless to her starved, demanding body. A lost cause, a never-ending struggle to suppress the desires that ran rampage throughout herself.
Shaking, she raised her hands and made her body sing. Her hands shook as she fulfilled her body's needs…with exhilaration, with anticipation…but also with fear and shame. It felt so good, so unbelievably good, an itch that cried to be scratched, felt so good yet when it was over…
When it was over…
Then the guilt would come, and with the guilt came the shame. The disgust, the feeling of being dirty, soiled, used. Tears would build behind her eyes; she wouldn't let them fall. No, she had her pride, damnit! She would not cry! Not for something as pathetic as this, no, not her, Tenou Haruka! It didn't matter if no one was there to witness her shame, it didn't matter that she was completely and utterly alone, no, for she still saw. She saw…and was ashamed of her weakness, of her lack of control, of herself. No matter how fast she ran, no matter how strongly she revisited, the feelings always caught up and took hold of her. Kicking and screaming did no good; neither did pleading or crying. No, best surrender with your pride intact.
Haruka's mind was torn in two: did she fight these feelings or did she surrender?
But when it was over…she lay alone in her bed that seemed simultaneously too small and too large, she lay alone. Shaking, sweating from the expenditure, she would close her eyes and try to fight the shame that always followed. But she was too weak; the shame infiltrated through her, taking her; resistance was futile. One must pay for the consequences of one's actions, after all, and the shame was therefore justifiable. She lay there and took her punishment, hating herself for being so weak yet knowing that she deserved this.
The pain, the shame, the self-loath…she deserved this. For wasn't she just as the boys said? Didn't she do these dirty, sinful things? It was a part of her, yes, but a part that must be hidden and repressed from the world, from herself.
The worst part wasn't the caving in, nor was it the guilt. No, the worst part was the fact that she enjoyed it. She longed for these feelings; she anticipated the way her body responded to her efforts. With surrender came relief. She wanted this, she wanted these feelings, she wanted these dirty, sinful feelings to ravage her body and leave her breathless.
That was made the guilt unbearable. She was not a victim of uncontrollable feelings, but a participant. The reason she was unable to resist was that she wanted this. Her body was stronger than her mind; matter over mind in this circumstance. Internally she hated herself for this, she dreaded these feelings but externally she longed for them, craved them with an unsustainable passion. A battle between her body and her mind; her body emerged victorious every time.
And when it was over, when her body's needs were quenched and fulfilled, then her mind would retaliate by submerging her with the shame, the guilt, the embarrassment, the self-hate. The punishment for betraying herself…and for failing to abide to the expectations of society.
The expectations of society: no that was not what really bothered her. She had always been an outcast and had never abided by society's rules or expectations so fear of their backlash wasn't the true reason she fled this part of herself. Other's opinions of her be damned; it mattered not if they disapproved of her. What they didn't know wouldn't hurt them…and damned if it did.
No, the reason she was ashamed, the reason why she denied this part of herself was not because she believed society to be right, it was not because she feared their disapproval. It was not because she feared their condemnation.
So what did she fear? Why was it that she felt shame, guilt, self-loath about this part of herself? If it wasn't society's opinions, then what could have caused her to hate this part of her? What could penetrate through her wall, what could cause her to question herself and her feelings?
Her mother.
What would Kotano say if she ever suspected? How would she feel towards her daughter, the one who always failed to impress her or meet her expectations, the one who always managed to disappoint her? Their relationship was already crumbling because of Hoshino-what would happen if the truth were revealed?
If the truth were revealed, if Kotano discovered her secret, then the relationship would be finished. Her mother was a critical person who disregarded anything that offended her or was opposite to her beliefs. Kotano was a woman who was set in her ways, unable to see beyond her own limited opinions, unwilling to try. And it just so happened that she was violently opposed to homosexuality.
With these feelings questions arose within her; she sought desperately for answers.
When Haruka first started having these feelings, she had turned to her mother for advice. She remembered a time not long ago, when she had been about ten. Although she and her mother had never had 'the talk', her mother would often hint about sexual changes and feelings that she was to expect. So Haruka concluded that it would be OK to ask for help learning just what these sensations were.
Her mother had been at her vanity table; applying bronzer to her lovely face, and Haruka had been sitting on her mother's bed, watching Kotano's beauty ritual. She watched her mother's transformation from a pretty woman into a creature too gorgeous for words with a mixture of amazement and wonder. Kotano spoke to her daughter as she brushed her shimmering mane of platinum hair.
"You must always take good care of yourself," she had said, concentrating on her reflection in the mirror, scrutinizing her features and arranging her hair so it fell in soft waves around her face. She contorted her face critically and rubbed a small amount of cream under her eyes.
"It doesn't matter if you're just going to a party or just around the corner, a woman is always judged by her appearance." She gazed at her face with admiration in the mirror, "How old would you say I am, Haruka?"
Haruka had answered, "Mid twenties, why?" Confused on why it mattered, on why her mother would spend hours moaning over any number of small things such as a wrinkle only able to be seen with her magnifying mirror.
Her mother had smiled with satisfaction, "because where ever you go, there are always men. And men always have one thing on their mind: sex. Now don't you give me that face, young lady! You're old enough to know what happens between a man and a woman, and you're old enough to know that I am a woman, not just your mother."
Haruka knew...she just didn't like hearing about it. Her mother gave her this line whenever she didn't come home at night or whenever one of her boyfriends got a little grabby.
"A woman must always be aware of her appearance," she lectured, "for men are critical. Let yourself slip, and they'll notice." She pursed her lips and blotted them with a tissue. "You could meet The One any day in any place. Be aware that you're always on display, that whenever you go out you are presenting yourself to the world. You're just a kid now, but before long you'll understand the importance of all this. Before long you'll meet a handsome boy and this will all make sense."
Haruka remembered feeling uneasy; she remembered looking down into her lap and thinking
{Why is talking about boys oh god does she suspect does she know???}
Kotano turned from her mirror and faced her daughter; Haruka recalled the scrutiny of her gaze, she felt as if her mother was trying to see into her thoughts. A faint blush coloured her cheeks; she lowered her eyes, as her mother's stare was unsettling.
Kotano walked over to her daughter and sat beside her on the bed. Without words she stared into her daughter's eyes, something must have displeased her as she had frowned and lines appeared between her brows.
Haruka remembered becoming more and more nervous as her mother's gaze was unwavering; she began to sweat uncomfortably.
However, Kotano was not concerned with what was going through her daughter's head, she hadn't a clue of what her daughter was thinking. In fact the idea of her being gay hadn't even crossed her mind.
"You're a handsome girl, Haruka." She said. "A little too tall and a little too thin, perhaps, but you have definite possibilities. You are your father's daughter, after all, and although he was a deadbeat, he was probably the best looking man I've ever dated." She stood up and motioned for her daughter to do the same; Haruka obeyed cautiously, unsure of what her mother was thinking, of what she wanted, unsure on how to proceed.
Unsure if she was relieved that her mother hadn't seen or disappointed because that meant she'd have to tell her mother herself.
Lead towards the vanity table, seated before the large mirror, Haruka caught sight of herself behind the glass; too tall, too thin, her mother's exotic looks overshadowed by her father's stronger, harder features.
(You are your father's daughter)
Her mother stood behind her, looking into the mirror intently at her daughter's reflection.
"You have good bone structure," she had said, "well proportioned features, high cheekbones…very well shaped face. With a little work this could work."
Taking out a hairbrush Kotano pulled her daughter's hair from it's ponytail and ran it through the untamed tresses with expertise; she then took out her scissors and trimmed her daughter's uneven bangs and the ends of her hair. Braided with a blue ribbon, trimmed and brushed it hardly resembled its former disarray. Humming softly, Kotano rummaged through her make-up drawer and came out with a vast selection of different products, the majority unknown to Haruka. Silver shadow applied gently to her eyelids, pink gloss to her lips, dark mascara to her lashes, Haruka had the odd sensation that she was being overwritten. That she was being tailored to her mother's fashion, that she was being cloaked and hidden behind paint.
With a sigh of satisfaction, Kotano smiled and said, "Finished! Now look at the difference, I can barely recognise you!" Said happily, as if it were a good thing.
Haruka looked into the mirror and did not recognise the figure behind it; behind the glass was a girl who looked older, more feminine, more like her mother. Less like her father…and less like herself.
Torn between conflicting emotions, she was happy that she no longer resembled the man she hated, but despondent because she no longer looked as she had before.
Kotano was thrilled with the results; Haruka hid her discomfort as not to upset her mother. Her mother's feelings came first, after all. They always had.
"In a few years you'll be a real beauty," her mother said, "who is bound to find a nice boy and settle down. When the time comes I'll be there to help you find an appropriate candidate."
Now was her chance! Quickly, before her mother could continue, before she could stop herself, Haruka asked her mother the question that had been troubling her for the past few months.
A shadow had passed over her mother's features then; something cold glittered in her eyes.
"That is not an issue," she had said angrily, her voice rising, "You are not to think those thoughts! You are not to question yourself that way! That is absolutely dirty, Haruka! What has put such thoughts in your head?"
A panicky feeling emerged in the pit of her stomach; her head hurt and she felt miserable. Her eyes lowered, she was unable to face her mother.
"Look at me, damnit, Haruka!" her mother had demanded; slowly Haruka met her mother's furious gaze. Eyes ablaze, nostrils flared, Kotano was no longer beautiful.
"You are to forget those dirty thoughts!" she hollered, her voice steadily rising, "Do you hear me? Forget them! There is no way that you're…there is no reason for you to question yourself!"
Haruka averted her gaze; her mother jerked her head up and refused to let her escape.
"Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Hands shaking, she summoned all of her courage and looked her mother directly in the eye and revealed the fears that had been lurking in the depths of her mind; brought forth with urgency, as if unspoken now they would be unable to be spoken ever again. Now or never, as the saying goes.
"But what if I was?" she had asked shakily but bravely.
What happened next was so strongly engraved into her mind that it would haunt her for years, it would be the basis of many of her decisions and would result in how she judged herself and her lifestyle. It would cost her much happiness, and cause her much pain. It would set a barrier between her and those who cared for her; it would prevent her from fulfilling her own needs and desires. Basically, it would follow her and impact her decisions and actions, and shatter her self-confidence. It would cripple her indefinitely.
"You're not." Her mother replied with exasperation. "Enough of this foolishness, Haruka, you are trying my patience.
"But what if…what if I was?" she stammered, throwing caution to the wind; she had to know. She dared to say the word aloud. "What if I was gay? What then…"
The hand struck her face with considerable power; Haruka hadn't seen it coming. Her face very pale with the mark of a handprint across her face, her eyes wide open in disbelief, Haruka turned her other cheek to her mother and awaited her punishment. As if she deserved her mother's wrath for even daring to challenge her beliefs.
Kotano raised her hand and struck the offered cheek with a vengeance, not heedful of the significance of her daughter's gesture. Not caring; all she saw was her daughter being difficult, all she saw was her daughter disobeying her.
Haruka was shocked at her mother's violent display, shocked at the wild look that had sprung into her eyes, shocked at her aggression. She couldn't speak; all that emerged from her throat were odd gasping sounds.
It took a moment for Kotano to register just what she had done; she stared at her hand as if it were alien to her. Then at the figure crumpled on the floor, holding her cheek and uttering small-strangled cries.
A strange look passed over her face; a mixture of surprise, dismay and fear, disbelief that she could hit her own child. But behind her fear was a stronger, colder feeling, a feeling undecipherable to her but present nonetheless. What was that look in her eye? It was cruel, vicious…could it be satisfaction that she had gotten her point across? Despite the means?
"Oh my God, Haruka," she cried out and knelt beside her daughter, tried to touch her poor red face…but Haruka flinched, her eyes distraught.
Looking up at her pitifully, Haruka found herself unable to move; she was shaking all over. She remembered thinking
{she'll hate me ohmigod what will she do if she finds out?}
and cowering, frightened, wanting her mother to love her. The slap had been a shock, but her mother's words had maimed her more than any physical punishment could.
"Oh Haruka sweetheart, oh I'm so sorry Mommy's so sorry oh my poor baby…" she rambled on, unmindful to what she was saying, heedless to all but the fear in her daughter's eyes.
"Mommy," she repeated thoughtfully, unable to remember her mother ever describing herself that way. Or her mother ever calling her sweetheart or baby…
Kotano hugged her daughter close to her; Haruka cringed inwardly.
"I didn't mean to," she rambled, "I didn't mean to hurt you come on Haruka sweetie look at me please I'm so sorry Mommy's so sorry…"
Haruka couldn't bear to look at her mother; she knew that although the slap had been unintentional, the meaning behind it was not. The slap was only a symptom of her mother's anger, her mother's hate…what truly hurt her was the meaning behind the slap. Excuses didn't change the fact that her mother felt this way, and no words could take away the burning sensation that the slap had imprinted in her mind.
But at least she knew. There was to be no second-guessing herself now that her mother's reaction had been witnessed. Now that she knew how she felt Haruka knew that her true self was best repressed, hidden-and denied. This knowledge, the knowledge that her mother would not accept her for who she was, caused Haruka pain; she felt that she had lost something significant. Indeed she had; Haruka had lost faith in her mother. The child's perception that her mother would love her no matter what was shattered; the realisation caused her to lose a piece of her childhood. No longer was she able to believe in the eternal love of a mother towards her child; she now knew that there were limitations and exceptions.
"…ruka? Haruka!" her mother pleaded desperately, "Please answer me! Haruka, I'm sorry please answer me!"
Turning her gaze towards her mother, Kotano was shocked to see the emptiness in her daughter's eyes. As if she had lost something significant…
"Haruka, please forgive me," her mother hastily pleaded, "You just gave me such a shock! But you didn't mean it, did you, honey?" asked with anxiety, not for her daughter's forgiveness but with fear that Haruka really had meant what she said.
Trembling, Haruka met her mother's gaze. "I…I didn't mean it. I'm sorry that I upset you, Mom. I forgive you."
Mom, not Mommy…Haruka couldn't bear to call her that. Not after all that had been said.
The lie caused her angst, but it was necessary. No, it was better to lie to her mother than for her to learn the truth, even if it meant lying to herself. Her mother always came first. Always.
Kotano literally sighed in relief; Haruka knew that she had salvaged their relationship yet why was she unhappy?
"Now don't ever scare me that way again!" Kotano exclaimed, "And don't you ever doubt yourself that way. You understand why I reacted that way, don't you? You understand why I was so angry, right?"
Remaining unsaid but clearly evident in her mother's expression was
{you had better understand or else don't even think of disobeying me}
Sighing miserably, Haruka had nodded.
She understood, oh how she did! If she were to defy her mother and come out, then she would lose her. Her mother, her only family, the only one who hadn't left her, the only one she allowed herself to love…she could not disappoint her. No, not if it meant denying herself, not if it meant being unable to love another.
On remembering this scene, she shivered and embraced herself. No matter how difficult, no matter how lonely, she would follow her mother's words; she would never reveal her true feelings. If it meant a life without love, then so be it. If it meant a life without a partner, then so be it. If it meant being alone forever…then so be it. There was no way she would risk losing the only person she loved…even at the expense of losing another.
{Sorry about how long this took, but this segment was very difficult to write. This is only the first half of the chapter but I thought that I'd post it anyway as it stands on its own (and it will be a while before the second half is done!)
As always, all feedback is appreciated and I look forward to hearing from you! Feel free to leave a review () or email me at micherukhotmail.com Thanks, see you next segment! }
-Brandt