Shinigami's Fear
a fan-fic by Nastassja Riemermann

Heero Yuy had had an exhausting day. Early that morning at around 3 AM, Lady Une had called in with reports of a bomb threat at the vice-president's residence that had to be resolved immediately. Heero had already known that. Having had no time to waste half an hour in coaxing Duo out of his unearthly deep sleep, he had reached over to his nightstand where a glass of water stood, and dumped the remaining contents onto his partners unsuspecting head. That got Duo up in a hurry!
It turned out that the threat was real, and it took an intense 22 hours to apprehend the bomber, and a swift 3 minutes for Heero Yuy to disarm the bomb. Now, at 4 AM the next day, he was finally back in bed, with his koibito's child-like body cradled in his arms. His own mind was caressed upon the waves of peaceful exhaustion. He could almost hear the waves rolling up onto the shore, like a mother whispering a lullaby to her child. A mother who knew no what the next day would bring. A softly whimpering mother. Heero's softly whimpering lover.
"Duo-chan, daijoubu? Duo-chan?"
"Hee… Heero-kun. Heero. I… I don't want to die."
Heero was struck with an almost frightful amazement. Why was Duo thinking about that? And in the recesses of his mind, the irony struck him: why would the God of Death be afraid of death?
"Duo, why are you thinking about that? Did something happen today?" The answer was obvious. Yes, much had happened today. They were both confronted with a rather alien situation of a man-to-man, gun-to-gun stalemate, and they could have easily lost.
"Heero, I… I'm scared of dying. I don't wanna die." Duo searched his lover's eyes, longing for something that would comfort him. "I can't stand it!"
Heero sat up, and pulled Duo along side him. Duo, talk to me...
"I… I almost died today. I was almost gone. That thought scares me to death!" Duo let out a terse giggle.
Heero searched carefully for the proper words. He didn't even know what he was looking for. "Duo-chan… Life is a beautiful thing. Life with you is beautiful. At times, its as ugly and perverted as hell, but so much more often, it's something to be savored. The loss of life is sad, for all this comes to an end, but the essence of that life, the beauty that it once experienced, will not disappear. It will have been… fulfilled. Ne?"
"BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! It's not the loss of life that I fear. I can deal with that." Duo quieted his voice to a whisper. "I'm scared of afterwards."
"Nani?"
Duo pushed his words across the barrier of his own confusion. "When I was a child, I was never taught of heaven or hell. I had heard that death was like sleeping forever, only there were no dreams. That it's nothingness. Oblivion. Forever… How can that be?" Duo paused to gather his thoughts. "I only knew death. And when I met Father Maxwell, it was then that I learned of heaven and hell. To be honest, heaven never appealed to me. After all, I had never believed in God anyway. But I told myself that something must be better than death. Better than eternal - eternal nothingness. Even a godless hell. Or perhaps I could believe that there was a god… Not of life and serenity – that's not real – but a… a God of Death. Then, at least, there would be something after death, even if it was eternal torture. I could handle that. Hell, you should know – we both can."
Duo paused again, organizing his thoughts. His eyes squinched, and his hands clenched. "But that's a lie! Tell me that's not a lie, Heero!" His voice croaked, and he began to tremble slightly, then more violently. Heero didn't know what to do. Many times he had stared death in the face - of his own will, even. But he couldn't – he didn't know how to – truly perceive it.
"Heero! Tell me that it's not a lie! Tell me… Tell me that… that I'll live forever. Tell me that I am Shinigami. PLEASE!" Duo's voice broke into sobs.
Throughout the night, Heero held Duo's retching body. Even as it calmed, Heero was too afraid to let go. Too afraid to once again release this demon. When he felt sure that Duo was asleep, he whispered into the still air: "You will always be my Shinigami." Duo's body relaxed, and he fell into his deepest sleep yet. And Heero spent the rest of the nigh staring worriedly at his koi, wondering when he would wake.

Owari.

Author's note:

First, let me ease your mind: Duo is not dead. I just really liked that ending.
Next: Too be honest, the idea for this story emerged when I was having my own little fear-of-death fit. I tried to draw upon my own feelings, so I hope that it seemed realistic.
I also realized that this fic does not really portray the actual characters well, or as we know them. By only changing the historical details, I could be talking about anybody. The reason I picked Duo was the irony, given that he is, as we all know, the "God of Death." But wouldn't it only make some warped sense?
Finally: Although I feel that Heero make a much cuter couple anyway, I did not feel that Hilde would fit the role (that Heero took). She's too sweet and carefree, and could not be as serious and worried as Heero. Heero just seemed to make more sense. I must still admit, though, sometimes I think that Duo is just too much of a ladies' man to be gay.
In any case, questions, comments, and constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.