So crucify the ego
Before it's far too late
And leave behind this place
So negative and blind and cynical

The return trip from New York two weeks ago had been somber and grim. Sage still wasn't talking to anyone, just lying listlessly in bed, and Rowan didn't know how to fix him. Ryo was a ghost, barely any better off. Kento, Cye, and Mia were quietly worrying themselves to death, and every time Rowan came into the room, they looked to him like he had all the answers. But he didn't. He didn't know anything. He couldn't fix anything. He didn't even have a place to start, but all he knew was that he wanted Ryo back. He couldn't handle it on his own.

He found the swordsman sitting on the dock, White Blaze sprawled beside their quiet leader. He didn't know what to say. So much had happened, and their wounds hadn't even healed yet.

Maybe he was afraid Ryo's wounds would never heal.

So he stood on the packed earth leading to the dock and waited. He wasn't even sure if he was welcome anymore. His easy rapport with Ryo had seemed absent in New York, overwhelmed by stress and distrust until it was like those first few days when they had just met. And he knew that Ryo wasn't the one to be blamed for the distance.

They had all tried to keep in touch with him, but he was never really one to write, and he had told himself he was too busy to call, or that they would already be asleep when he did have time. His research was important. His career came first. He couldn't allow himself to be distracted.

Excuses, and he knew it. He even felt guilty, but he couldn't undo it. Maybe he didn't want to.

Because Ryo had chosen Mia. They had all moved out, but Ryo stayed, and Rowan didn't need anyone to draw him a picture for that. He might be socially inept, but he wasn't stupid, and he didn't interfere with other people's lives when he wasn't invited. And he definitely wasn't about to make a fool out of himself for a hopeless cause.

He was angry when Ryo went panting after Luna-- and he was a little ashamed to admit that he had let his personal feelings color his attitude towards the girl—but Mia obviously hadn't cared that Ryo was interested in someone else. Yet Ryo wasn't the type to cheat if he was involved with someone; it just wasn't in his nature. The entire situation left Rowan utterly confused, because he had been certain that Ryo and Mia were together, which apparently wasn't the case, and he had no idea how to approach Ryo about it. What was he supposed to say—"I'm so sorry the girl you were trying to hook up with unnecessarily sacrificed her life so you could kill the bad guy. By the way, aren't you dating Mia?"

Yeah, socially inept, but not stupid.

Maybe he was thinking too loudly, because White Blaze stood with a lazy yawn and glared back at him. The movement made Ryo look back over his shoulder, and Rowan was caught in the act. Shrugging to himself, the archer tried to casually stroll forward.

"Hey."

He knew Rowan was lurking at the edge of the shore. He had felt the other man's gaze for the past fifteen minutes. But he didn't really want to talk to the archer right now, not when he was feeling so out of sorts.

Things had been so comfortable, so easy, to be around Luna. They had been attracted to each other, and both had acknowledged it, and there wasn't any existential angst attached to it. But now she was dead, and he had cried all his tears silently on the flight home. He had hardly known her, but they had resonated, and so he felt grief at her passing, and he mourned all the lost possibilities. Her death was senseless and brutal in its swiftness. He had never felt so helpless.

Sitting here at the lake, though, he had come to a realization. An epiphany, as Rowan would say. He had to admit that, while Luna had reflected back many of his own traits, she had also possessed many of the qualities he liked about Rowan. And he had to wonder if he had tried to replace his old love, the unrequited love, with a newer, more accessible one.

What did that say about him? Was he really so fickle? Or maybe it was just his way of trying to move on. Falling for someone like Rowan, but so obviously not him. Passionate where he was cool. Fiery where he was the deep cold of space.

And Ryo had to be honest with himself that, if he and Luna had been given a chance, they probably would have been too alike to really mesh. That did little to comfort him over her loss.

White Blaze raised his head, turning to look back at the shore, and Ryo looked as well, wondering if Rowan was finally going back to the house. Instead, the archer looked vaguely uncomfortable and started walking down the dock.

"Hey."

Ryo just nodded and didn't say anything, hoping Rowan would get the idea. He didn't need anyone trying to cheer him up.

"Dinner's almost ready." Rowan finally said. Blaze perked up at that and heaved himself to his feet. Rowan laughed as the tiger sauntered past him, a surprised happy laugh that made Ryo glance sharply at him.

His cheeks were gaunt, eyes bruised beneath. He looked as haggard as Ryo felt, and Ryo didn't feel any satisfaction from that. Ryo had expected him to stick to Sage's side, maybe more so than the rest of them, but Rowan had merely taken his fair share of shifts watching over the Halo warrior.

But then, Ryo had expected a lot of things from Rowan, and it seemed like he would be the one continually surprised.

When Kento had moved out, back to his family's restaurant, Ryo had known the rest would follow. They all had lives to go back to. But Ryo, he didn't have much of anything. So when Mia offered to let him stay, it made sense. White Blaze was hardly a domestic house cat that Ryo could have in an apartment somewhere, and an apartment was all he'd be able to afford.

Cye had moved out shortly after Kento, to share a flat with Hardrock until they could both afford their own places. Ryo had expected Rowan and Sage to do the same, all things considered, but Sage had returned to the family dojo and Rowan had... Well, disappeared would be too harsh, but the archer had simply isolated himself from everyone and everything. Locked up in some lab or another, he was either staring out a telescope or doing mind- boggling calculations, and he didn't have time for his friends anymore.

Rowan had even cut himself off from Sage, Ryo learned when talking to the swordsman shortly before this whole mess started. At the least, Rowan and Sage were best friends, but Ryo had asked around among the guys and none of them had spoken to Rowan in months. Not even Kento.

He'd never admit it, but he was relieved to find out that he wasn't the only one Rowan was avoiding.

A sigh from Rowan drew him from his miserable reverie, but he didn't look up as the archer lowered himself down onto the weathered boards. Their legs hung over the edge, just barely near the water, and Ryo studied their reflections. Rowan was gazing off into the distance, and Ryo... Ryo was gazing at him, and wasn't that the way it always was?

When the archer turned to look at him, Ryo quickly focused on the tips of his dirty toes, absently wiggling them. He had missed the guys and the balance they brought to his life. He just wished they could have reunited under better circumstances. Now that they were back, though, he didn't know what to say.
Rowan watched Ryo's eyes quickly dart away from his and frowned. Things were never easy in this world. Never simple. About the only time he could be sure of anything was on the battlefield, and even then Fate liked to throw him curve balls. His one constant over the past few years had been his love for Ryo, and that had never wavered, even when he tried to ignore it. He always ended up right back here, at Ryo's side and unable to do anything.

The thought made him snort. He was willing to die for Ryo, and yet he had let their relationship come to this? It wasn't exactly a testament to his devotion.

His snort drew the other man's gaze, but Rowan just shook his head wordlessly. Ryo nodded and shrugged, swinging his legs a little harder. The tension in the swordsman's posture seemed unbearable to Rowan, and he cleared his throat.

"So, how you holding up?"

Not the most subtle of lines, but he had to break this silence. Had to reestablish some connection with Ryo. The apathetic shrug he received as an answer didn't bode well for his chances.

"Kento and Cye made dinner. Mia said it was edible." He tried for humor but Ryo only nodded, still studying his toes.

"You've been out here a while." He could have cursed himself for his inanity, but Ryo finally turned to him.

"Look, Rowan, I don't really feel like talking about it right now..."

He sounded more resigned than pissy, but Rowan knew it could change quickly. In the face of such an uncharacteristically blunt statement, he didn't know what to say. Blinking at Ryo's bloodshot gaze, he sat up straighter. There was a time for mourning and there was a time for living.

"You're starting to worry us, Ryo," he said in a neutral tone. He didn't want to play the guilt card, but he needed Ryo to pull himself together. Rowan couldn't keep this up much longer.

"Sorry for the inconvenience," Ryo muttered back, voice tight with suppressed hostility. Rowan realized he had probably approached the problem wrong, but at least Ryo might let some of the anger go.

"It's not an inconvenience to care about you," he replied calmly. "But Cye and Kento need you right now. Sage needs you. We can't help him without you."

"I don't think Sage needs my help," Ryo snapped. "Haven't I done enough already?"

"You're part of us," Rowan said. "We wouldn't have freed him without you, and now he needs us to help him again."

Snorting, Ryo looked down at his hands. "What can I do? I didn't even know anything was wrong with him until I saw the news. I couldn't help him then, and I couldn't keep Luna from—"

The swordsman broke off and Rowan pushed aside his instinct to call him on the maudlin wallowing. Ryo was hurting and didn't need to be goaded right now.

"I'm sorry, Ryo." He honestly meant it, because he hated seeing Ryo like this.

"Why should you be? You didn't even like her," Ryo said flatly. "You didn't trust her from the beginning and maybe you were right to not want her involved. I guess I let my feelings get in the way. I can't just ignore them like you do."

That hurt more than he was willing to admit. The urge to wound back was strong, and Rowan ground his teeth, standing up. "Yeah, Ryo, you're right. I didn't like her at first, and I sure as hell didn't trust her. Doesn't mean I wanted her dead."

His sneakers echoed on the rickety boards as he walked away, needing space. There was no use talking to Ryo when he was like this because he didn't have Sage's pithy comments, or Cye's soothing presence, or Kento's unending patience. All he had was logic, and that was one thing Ryo never liked to listen to, especially when he was determined to brood. Well fine, Rowan would let him brood until the sun went down and all through the night. It wasn't like the archer cared or anything.

He was halfway to the house when he stopped and sighed. He did care. Too much. That was the problem. Yes, he was exhausted; they all were. It didn't give him the right to just give up on Ryo when the swordsman needed him, whether Ryo was willing to admit it or not.

Kicking the dirt with a curse, he turned and retraced his steps.
Tears rose unbidden in Ryo's eyes as Rowan's footsteps retreated. He knew he was being unreasonable and the archer had every right to remind him of his duties, but he was just so... miserable.

Luna was dead, Sage was near comatose, and his remaining friends were fed up with him. He couldn't seem to do anything right lately. And now he had pissed Rowan off when the other man was only being concerned for him. Fickle heart, and he just--

He was startled when the footsteps returned to the dock, stomping across the weathered boards. Rowan stopped a few feet away and still looked angry when Ryo turned to him.

"You were right. I didn't like her." Rowan said in clipped tones. "I pretty nearly hated her in fact, because I was so damn jealous I didn't know what to do."

Ryo looked up at him through wet lashes, knowing his surprise showed on his face. Before he could ask any questions, though, Rowan continued speaking, waving his arms agitatedly.

"I thought if I left and put some distance between us, it would go away. But it didn't and I can't ignore it. I never could. And I know you don't like me that way-- I know-- and I'm sorry to dump this on you right now, because you've got enough on your mind, but-- I love you. More than you know. And I can't stand to see you like this and watch you put yourself through this again, because it wasn't your fault. None of it was."

"Ro...?" Ryo finally managed to say, shock rendering him immobile. Rowan loved him?

"Every time something catastrophic happens, you blame yourself." The archer ranted. "Talpa, the Wildfire swords, everything. And you usually pull yourself out of it quick enough. But you've been moping around here for two weeks and Sage isn't getting any better and Cye won't stop making that damn tea and Kento punched another hole in the wall and I--"

He paused to swallow, looking at Ryo with eyes full of fear and love and determination. "I can't do this without you, all right? I can't be everything you are for them and still be me, because I'm falling apart, Ryo. We need you."

And this time Ryo heard what Rowan had been saying all along; that the archer needed him. He blinked up at him and started to smile, a blush staining his cheeks. The defensive anger of Rowan's posture seemed to drain from the other man and he stood awkwardly shifting from foot to foot.

"So yeah. That's all I wanted to say," Rowan mumbled and turned to leave. Ryo quickly scrambled to his feet.

"Hey." He caught the sleeve of Rowan's shirt, tugging the other man back around. Resolutely, he pushed the misery away and focused on Rowan's azure eyes. "I--I need you, too."

I love you. He willed Rowan to hear it, because he wasn't sure if he could say it out loud yet. But the archer reached up to Ryo's hold on his shirt, and covered the swordsman's hand with his own, holding on just as tightly. And suddenly it wasn't so hard for Ryo to say the words.

"I love you."

Rowan swallowed and looked down at his feet, but his grip remained strong. Another tug had Ryo embracing his stiff frame. A moment and then the archer melted into him, arms coming up to return the hug. They stood together in the waning light, and just held on.

About damn time, Kento's voice echoed in their heads. Ryo pulled back to glance at Rowan through his lashes, and they both laughed.

So let the light touch you
So that the words spill through
And let the past break through
Bringing out our hope and reason

"Where did you put my camera?" Ryo called up to him from the back of the car, where he was rummaging through the suitcases. It would have been a cute view if it hadn't been the fifteenth time he'd asked that question since they left the house that morning.

Rowan rolled his eyes and shouted back, "It's in the trunk!"

Sighing, Rowan turned to frown at Mia, who was hiding her snickering behind her hand. He groaned and rubbed at his temples.

"Hours in the car with him to go. Whose great idea was this?"

"I believe," she said around giggles. "It was yours."

"Next time I recommend driving to a secluded spot, shoot me. Or better yet, make me buy plane tickets."

He really wasn't that put out, though. For all of Ryo's absentmindedness, it was nice to be going on vacation with just the two of them. They had put this trip off for the past two years, between Ryo's photography and his own research, and now they were finally going to get a whole month to relax. He was pretty sure hell had frozen over.

White Blaze grumbled from his spot on the foyer carpet. Rowan sighed and shrugged at him, "The people we're renting the cabin from were pretty strict on the no animals thing. Sorry, man."

Not that he was very upset at leaving the tiger behind. Blaze had become a little too interested in the mating rituals of humans lately, and having his foot snuffled by a wet nose in the middle of sex was a real mood- breaker for Rowan. He and Ryo had been living together for less than a year, on an old farm with enough room for Blaze, and the newness had yet to wear off. But really, he had to draw the line somewhere.

"I'm sure we'll be just fine. Won't we, Blaze?" Mia smiled far more sincerely at the furball than Rowan had.

"Ryo left enough meat in the freezer to feed him for the next year, so hopefully you won't run out," Rowan reminded her. "There's liver in there as a treat, but he only gets it once a week, and likes it with a little Tabasco sauce. There's also an extra bottle of vitamins. Make sure he gets two in the morning, and wrap them in a bit of cheese if he's a pain about it. If you have to take him to the vet, we left the number of his usual doctor on the fridge. They'll send his files over."

Mia gave him the look she usually reserved for Ryo at his most dense. "And I'll have him in bed by nine and read him a story and everything... I have cat-sat for you before, Rowan. We'll be fine. Don't worry. Go! Enjoy your vacation."

Rowan nodded and smiled. Ryo ran up, camera in hand as he took a few shots of Mia and Blaze. They said their goodbyes and soon were ensconced in the car, on their way.

Rowan drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. He hated going on trips, even if he loved getting away from the city. Mentally, he reviewed their packing list.

"Did you remember to give her Blaze's blanket?" He asked suddenly. Ryo laughed.

"Yeah."

He drummed his fingers some more. "Did you grab my toothbrush?"

"No, I'm going to make you use bark."

"Ha ha. What about my swim trunks?"

"Nope-- going naked."

"Very funny."

Ryo laughed again and made a show of stretching in his seat, t-shirt riding up to expose his smooth belly. "Hey, you're Mister Tagged-and-Inventoried packing genius. We're cool. We've got everything. Just relax."

He glanced away from the road long enough to absorb the sight of Ryo slouched against the window, golden sunlight highlighting his dark hair and bronze skin. Sunglasses were pushed up on his head, little-used and oft forgotten, and his jean shorts were cut obscenely high. His knees were up on the dash, bony and tempting, and Rowan focused on the road again with determination.

Hours in the car to go, then they'd be at the cabin, and he could touch whenever he pleased. He could hold out until then. Ryo smiled at him, reaching over to hold his hand as it rested on the gearbox and the warmth seeped up his arm.

Rowan grinned, speeding up, and when he looked over at Ryo's bright blue eyes, he saw his love reflected back.

Before we hide away

Finis. The end. No more. I'm done. Yay.