Disclaimer: I own nothing. They all belong to Josh.
Ryan was in calculus when the school secretary broke into the room. "Ms. Dover, will you send Ryan Atwood to Dr Kim's office, please?"
Ryan's stomach dropped. What was this about? He hadn't been in trouble with Dr Kim in over a year – not since Oliver. He wracked his brain to think of why Dr Kim would want to see him.
"Mr. Atwood, you might as well take your books with you, the period is almost over."
Ryan slowly gathered his things and headed for Dr Kim's office. He was dreading this. Dr Kim had never taken to him, but Ryan had done his best to stay out of her way in his 2 years at Harbor. Now she couldn't be avoided. When he arrived at the office, the secretary sent him straight in.
Dr Kim was smiling at him. Odd. She motioned to the comfortable upholstered chairs. "Have a seat, Ryan."
Ryan looked at the chairs, then at Dr Kim. He'd never been invited to sit on the soft chairs in Dr Kim's office. Any other time he'd been here, he was given a hard, straight-backed chair. Ryan didn't know what to expect, and he hated not knowing what to expect. He sat down and eyed Dr Kim warily.
"You're probably wondering why you're here today," Dr Kim began. "Don't worry; you're not in trouble. On the contrary. As you know, graduation is approaching. Every year at graduation, two of our top students give speeches during the ceremony. The valedictorian is voted on by the students from an approved list. But the faculty selects the salutatorian. We look for a student who has excelled at Harbor, someone who other students can look to as an example."
Ryan was starting to get nervous. He wasn't sure he liked where this conversation was going.
"Yesterday, the faculty met to decide on the salutatorian," Dr Kim continued. "I'll admit that usually this meeting isn't pretty. Every teacher has someone they feel would be best and we are usually debating for hours before we come to an agreement. This year, you were the student chosen by an overwhelming number of the teachers. I think it was the quickest meeting we've ever had." Dr Kim was absolutely beaming with pride. And then Ryan spoke.
"Do I have to do it?" he asked quietly. Ryan could think of no reason why he would want to get up in front of his Harbor mates and their families to give a speech, or why they would want to hear what he has to say. But he didn't know if he could refuse Dr Kim, either.
Dr Kim was taken aback. She'd never had a student not jump at the chance. "Well, no, Ryan, you don't have to. But it is a great honour. Can I ask you why you wouldn't want to be the Harbor Salutatorian?"
Ryan thought about it for a few moments before answering Dr Kim. He didn't want to tell her that even after two years in Newport he still felt like he didn't belong and had no right to take a spot away from an actual Newport trustfunder. That he spent his whole life trying not to be noticed and giving a speech kind of defeated the purpose. "Dr Kim, I'm just not someone who enjoys talking in front of people. It's just not my thing."
Dr Kim considered this. "OK, Ryan. I can't force you. But I'm not going to take an answer from you yet – this is a great opportunity. I'd like you to think about it, talk it over with the Cohens. I'll give you a couple of days before you make a decision. Will you promise me you'll at least consider it?"
Ryan agreed to appease Dr Kim. He had no plans to think about it and he certainly had no plans to tell the Cohens about this. He knew what their reaction would be. If Sandy and Kirsten knew, they'd think it was the greatest thing and try to talk him into it. They'd be disappointed that he didn't want to do it, and he hated disappointing them. It was easier this way. He'd just leave it for a couple of days and then tell Dr Kim no.
Ryan came home from school to find Kirsten sorting through the mail in the kitchen.
"Oh, Ryan, there's a letter here for you from your mom," Kirsten told him.
Ryan hesitated. He usually tried to get to the mail first so they wouldn't know when Dawn wrote him.
"You know, I'm glad you two have kept in contact. She's a part of who you are – it's not something that just goes away because you've been here."
Ryan nodded imperceptively, took the letter and headed to the pool house. Damn, he thought, this is not what I needed today. Of all days for a Dawn letter to come...
Ryan threw his books on his desk and sat on his bed, leaning back against the headboard. He held the envelope in his hand and just stared at it for the longest time. Dawn's letters usually came in one of two forms. The first was where she'd go on and on about how much she missed him and how lonely it was without him. How wrong she was to kick him out and abandon him, and to leave him with the Cohens. How if only he'd come back to her, things would be different and they could be happy together. That he was all she really had left in the world and to have him live with strangers just wasn't right.
The other type of letter Dawn sent wasn't so melancholy. The second type was filled with hate. She'd tell him that he was scum and trash and that no matter how long he lived in Newport with the Cohens, he would never be good enough for them. They'd never really accept him as one of their own. How he better not get too high and mighty, living the good life, because he'd end up back in Chino eventually. He was an Atwood, and Atwoods couldn't improve their lot in life. Sure, things would be good for a while, but eventually everything would come crashing back down. He'd see she was right. And when the Cohens decided they were done with their experiment and threw him out, he'd better not come crawling back to Dawn. She was done with the Atwoods too.
Ryan didn't even know why he bothered opening the letters from Dawn. Nothing good ever came of it. But he always hoped that this letter would be different. In this one, Dawn would comment on the things he told her in his last letter, that she was proud of him and of how well he was doing. That she missed him but she was glad he was happy with the Cohens. That him being happy was important to her.
Look at me, Ryan thought to himself. Almost eighteen years old, and still expecting fairy tales and happy endings.
He ripped open the envelope and the words practically jumped off the page. "FUCKING TRASH" was written in big letters about halfway down the page. Dawn was practically screaming at him through this letter. Ryan decided he didn't really need to read much more. He put it on his desk, under his books where he wouldn't see it.
At dinner that night Ryan was abnormally quiet. First the meeting with Dr Kim and then the letter from his mom – it was just too much to think about. He turned his attention to the story Seth was telling.
"...but then Dr Kim walked by just as I was about to break into Summer's locker, thwarting my attempts at romanticism. OK, maybe a dead frog isn't that romantic, but it would have been funny, man. And it would have made Summer laugh. Or she would have killed me. One of the two. Speaking of Dr Kim," Seth turned to look at Ryan, "I hear you were in her office today. What sort of trouble are you in now, my friend?"
Ryan looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "No trouble," he answered, looking quickly back and forth between Sandy and Kirsten. "I swear, it was nothing. Just a misunderstanding." He glared at Seth.
"What sort of misunderstanding?" Kirsten asked. "Is everything all right?"
"Yeah, no, it's fine," Ryan answered, scrambling to come up with a reason he could have been in Dr Kim's office. "She just wanted to double check my credits from Chino Hills, make sure I had all the courses I needed to graduate."
"She's not telling you that you can't graduate now, is she?" Sandy demanded. "I thought this was all settled when you transferred in last year. Maybe I should call her..."
"No," Ryan said, a little too quickly. "I mean, we straightened it out today, there's no problem. Really. Everything's fine."
"Well, if you're sure..." Sandy continued.
"Yeah, I'm sure. It's nothing to worry about." Ryan glanced at Kirsten and Sandy. They seemed satisfied. He hoped they believed him.
After supper, Seth went up to his room to do his homework and Ryan stayed in the den to play some video games. When Seth came back about half an hour later, Ryan just glared at him.
"What's the look of gloom for? Are you mad at me?" Seth asked.
"What's up with you telling your parents about Dr Kim? How did you find out, anyway?" Ryan demanded.
"Hey, man, I thought you said it was nothing. And don't you know I have my finger on the pulse of the school. I'm hooked in to the grapevine. I've got my ear to the ground..."
Ryan was glaring again.
"Okay. Summer saw you walking out of the office and wondered what was up. I did too, so I asked. What's the big deal?"
Ryan realized he was making too big a deal out of it and backtracked. "Sorry, Seth. You just took me by surprise and I didn't want to worry your parents. You're right, it wasn't a big deal."
"Good. Now, the reason I'm here. Did you bring your Economics book home?"
"Of course I did, Seth. We've got Economics homework. Didn't you bring yours?"
"I forgot it. And besides, it's so big and heavy and there's no real point in both of us carrying such a heavy book back and forth..."
Ryan waved him off. "Go ahead. I finished Economics already. It's on my desk. Help yourself."
Ryan went back to playing video games and didn't notice when Seth come back with book.
TBC