Dies Bonus! Ah….another year of Latin come and gone….Well, be proud of me, I did really well on my Introduction to Latin Exam, got an award and everything…yeah. Well, here we go again…
Disclaimer: I am the elf of Azkaban. Mirkwood is my true homeland. But J. K. Rowling's books I do not own. Now I will try to tempt that key-carrying dog with a bone….ah, to be free….
"Severus Snape is sitting in the back of a carriage of Hogwarts that is taking him to Hogsmeade. He has been given a video camera to record his personal thoughts. After being threatened with lots of pink and a painful dog bite, he has agreed to use it." The message the announcer had prerecorded played.
The director leaned back, watching the footage. Quickly growing frightened by what he saw, he phoned the manager of the television company that produced the show.
Personal Thoughts Camera footage runs.
Rocking back and forth in his seat, Severus muttered and avoided actually looking at the camera. "I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe I'm here. Dumbledore is definitely overstepping his bounds as an employer. I'm going to get out now and find a new job. Right now. " He said.
"Isn't that right Slinky? Bad wizard can't make us go. We are going to get out right now and join the Dark Lord. At least he doesn't hire people based on appearances!"
Severus turned his attention from his stuffed platypus (which he had named Slinky as a child in a moment of rebellion, he had really wanted the snake, but mum had said no) to the camera as he mentioned He-who-must-not-be-named. An insane look came over his face, and he picked up the plastic grocery bag that held his entire wardrobe. Slowly moving to the door of the coach, he peered out of the small window, and pushed the door open. Then he looked back at the camera, and switched it off muttering what sounded suspiciously like 'no evidence' and 'evil headmaster'.
The footage fizzles out for a moment with the camera turning off.
But unknown to Snape, the Fashion Gurus had a secret weapon. Their sharpshooter Pig, who was their secret-camera owl, was flying around over the coach as it rolled along an old Scottish country road that ran between Hogwarts and Hogsmeade.
Inside the coach, Severus tucked Slinky into his belt, completely oblivious to the fact he was still being watched, and leaned out of the door watching trees fly by. As they passed a clearing, he pulled his grocery bag close to himself, and leaned out a little further. The footage showed that he seemed to be gathering his courage. He took a deep breath, let forth a battle cry, and then he jumped.
He rolled down the hill unhurt, and sprang up to take off at a run heading for the nearest Muggle town. But our Favorite Fashioneers are no idiots. As he was running, a golf cart bearing the announcer and the long-suffering cameraman, (along with Pig the camera-owl, who had told them of the getaway) showed up from behind a bush. It immediately started chasing the escapee.
"And now we're here giving chase to Mr. Snape. This is not because he signed an agreement to do the show, but more because he has our five thousand galleon credit card in the same pocket as the stuffed animal is in and we can't afford to lose that much money…" The announcer stopped for a moment. Shouting could be heard coming from his earpiece.
"GET BACK ON SUBJECT!" The director takes a deep breath then hangs up.
"Right. We've almost caught up with Mr. Snape." said the announcer. "Here Joe, let me take over the controls, you've got enough with that camera…"
"I don't think that is the best idea." The cameraman said, juggling expertly between his camera and the strangely high-tech controls (for a golf cart).
"Okkk…. if you insist." The announcer whined. Suddenly a beeping to the Darth Vader theme came from his pocket. "Just a sec…" He answered it. "Remus speaking, what up?" he asked. "Uh huh, uh huh, Saturday? Good. How about…" A sudden screaming interrupted his reply.
Actually, there were two people screaming, but he decided the first, emanating from the general direction of the earpiece he'd taken out when he answered his cell phone, was more dire.
"MOONY! HANG THAT PHONE UP OR YOU ARE FIRED! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" James took a deep breath. In and out, in and out. Why was everyone who worked for him an idiot?
Unfortunately, the host really couldn't be bothered to listen to his bosses rant, as he was too busy attempting to tackle the runaway, who was the other who had been screaming when the golf cart had almost run him over. Hanging up his cellphone, Remus let out a howling battle cry and took a flying leap out of the golf cart, aiming for Snape. He missed by about four yards, but was not deterred as he gave chase to Severus.
Meanwhile
The director was hanging his head in shame and redialing his boss (he hadn't gotten through the first time), hoping for permission to fire the host on grounds of insanity. Finally he got through.
"Hello, yes this is James Potter, director for What Not To Wear…….uh huh……well….Right, I'd like to fire the announcer…..Insane, that's what….Oh, just come down to the set any old day, you'll see…..ok, thanks….goodbye…." He sighed, relaxing slightly. No way was he going to feel guilty about this. Maybe Moony could find a job as a weatherman or something…
Elsewhere, also being watched by a camera as they waited for their next victi—ahem --- guest.
Sirius and Lily sat around the table at their fashion headquarters in Hogsmeade. Actually, the announcer, who had somehow been in charge of the sign outside, had labeled the building 'Fashion Fortress', so that was what most people knew it as. No one else who worked there had been very happy about it though.
"Pass the Double Bubble Fudge please, Lily." Sirius asked. They had been starving when they arrived, only to find the only thing in the building was ice cream. Sirius was certain it was all one of Remus's conspiracies, to make the two hosts fat so he could host the show.
Sirius's evilly scheming thoughts (mostly involving gruesome deaths to one announcer) were interrupted by shrill screaming coming from outside the window. He and Lily looked at each other, and they both took off running to the window, Lily's high-healed shoes leaving small skid marks on the white floor. They lifted the blinds, the cameramen leaning over them to catch everything on video.
Outside the window, pandemonium had broken out. Townspeople jumped out of the narrow street, as a golf cart came barreling down the street, the camera-bearing man shouting apologies as he went. Being chased by the cart was one insane looking dark haired man who was waiving a stuffed animal as he ran. A young man chased him, a chocolate bar halfway in his mouth while he waved a microphone in front of himself and screaming through the chocolate about someone being 'in denial'.
Sirius sighed. It looked like the first day of the journey to high fashion for Severus Snape had begun. He turned to put away the chocolate and change the close he'd dribbled Minty Monkey on. Had to hide the evidence.
Reviews:
"We are back with News at 13 o'clock with our anchorman, Remus Lupin. He's back in normal color, which may be adjusted on you WarlockVision if you liked the pink. What is on the headlines today?"
Remus quickly swallowed his cocoa and smiled. "Well, today….oh no…to Samara Morgan-ring…." He reads, and then throws himself under the desk. "Not the Fluffy Monkeys! We fear them! We will do anything! Anything I say!" The weatherman has to pull him out from under the desk. Finally he comes back in front of the camera, looking shaken.
"And in other recent news, besides that the author is sugar-high, we (the author and I that is) hope that Lil' Moony and Lil' Padfoot are not disappointed, and if they have torture methods for one Snape the marauders would love to hear them…"
"Back on subject Moony, you have five, four…."
"Right! Right, ok…." He smiles charmingly. "Why thank you, IloveMoony04, and I must say, I rather like your name…"
"MOONY?….I am warning you…..three…. two….
"NOOO!! I'LL BE GOOD!"
"We'll see."
"Right. And to Hobbitinguard, we thank you as ever for your review. I would as marauder however like to register my slight revulsion at the thought of Snape in anything that looks like leather, however my author has a mind of her own, but I will beg her against it, just think of the images, oh the images…." He looks around, wandering why he isn't being yelled at by the author. Unfortunately she can only shake her finger, as her mouth is too full of popcorn to yell.
"And in today's last bit of news, (but certainly not least) I would like to register with Miss Piratess first my thanks and also that I WANT ONE TOO! WHAA! After all, no one pays me enough…. they all think I'm nuts…"
A very large anvil falls inches from the anchorman. He runs off the set screaming.
"And that's all for now folks! Join us for the next update of What Not To Wear Harry Potter Style"
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