Title: Reason To Live
Author: April
Status: Complete
Category: Angst
Pairings: S/J
Spoilers: None
Season: Future
Rating: PG-13
Content Warnings: Deathfic, Tissues will most likely be needed.
Summary: none
Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate.
Author's Note: Feedback is appreciated and thank you for reading.
Reason To Live
It wasn't fair.
He shouldn't have outlived her.
She was supposed to outlive him, he was the one still going on missions, he was the older of them, he was the one who was supposed to protect her; instead he had caused her death.
Of that he had no doubt.
He would never see her smile again. Never see her eyes sparkle as she worked out a complex equation or puzzled over a problem with the gate. Never hear her giggles or her call him Sir again. She was gone.
He should never have taken that last mission. If he hadn't he could have been there for her; he would have noticed something wrong earlier; he could have done something; he could have noticed something was wrong her earlier; he could have gotten her to the hospital before it was too late.
Now she was gone, buried in the earth she had once defended. Like his son, just like Charlie and so many others he had known. Once again he was alone.
"Jack?"
He ignored the voices that tried to talk to him, to get him to listen, to talk, to do anything except sit silently as he had since he had returned from the Alpha site and found her in the hospital struggling for life.
What happened was unfortunate and completely unexpected. It could have happened at any time. The words of the people surrounding him, the words that they said to calm him, to explain, echoed through his head. None of these words could stop the guilt he felt, the guilt that echoed through his head and flowed straight into his soul. It was his fault it happened in the first place, if only he hadn't taken the mission.
"Colonel O'Neill!"
He didn't care if he got court-martialed over this. It wasn't worth it anymore. He didn't have anything left to sacrifice.
It wouldn't take much to be with her. A gun, like he tried after Charlie, was the easiest, or getting some meds from the infirmary. He could fall asleep in the leaky boat he never got a chance to fix and feed the nonexistent fish in his lake.
He felt himself being dragged up to a standing position and led down the corridors of the hospital. He didn't care. All he could see was his failure. For the second time he had lost his center, for the second time he had caused the breakup of his team and his family.
Movement stopped as his eyes focused on his new surroundings. Instead of the sanitary blue and green of the previous place this room was decorated with brightly colored characters on the walls, its cheerfulness a stark contrast to the darkness surrounding him.
He was sitting in a rocking chair now staring at the wall but seeing nothing. He heard the voices speak again, gentler this time, and felt something being placed in his arms. Instinctively his arms cradled the small bundle, protecting it.
He felt it move even as a sound intruded into his head, forcing him to pay attention. Slowly he turned his eyes to it, not wanting to see but unable to stop.
Wide blue eyes stared at him from beneath the pink blanket it was wrapped in. Pure light that tore through the darkness in his mind and straight to his heart.
He held the baby tighter, trying to hold on to the feeling of peace he had felt after looking into her eyes. The small child's innocence and helplessness seeped into his soul as some of the other voices came into focus.
"She knew the risks..."
"Sam would want you to care for her..."
"She's yours, Jack."
"She needs her father..."
The voices faded away again as he continued to stare into the bright blue eyes of the baby. Her eyes. Carter's Eyes.
And maybe, just maybe he had a reason to go on after all.
Author: April
Status: Complete
Category: Angst
Pairings: S/J
Spoilers: None
Season: Future
Rating: PG-13
Content Warnings: Deathfic, Tissues will most likely be needed.
Summary: none
Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate.
Author's Note: Feedback is appreciated and thank you for reading.
Reason To Live
It wasn't fair.
He shouldn't have outlived her.
She was supposed to outlive him, he was the one still going on missions, he was the older of them, he was the one who was supposed to protect her; instead he had caused her death.
Of that he had no doubt.
He would never see her smile again. Never see her eyes sparkle as she worked out a complex equation or puzzled over a problem with the gate. Never hear her giggles or her call him Sir again. She was gone.
He should never have taken that last mission. If he hadn't he could have been there for her; he would have noticed something wrong earlier; he could have done something; he could have noticed something was wrong her earlier; he could have gotten her to the hospital before it was too late.
Now she was gone, buried in the earth she had once defended. Like his son, just like Charlie and so many others he had known. Once again he was alone.
"Jack?"
He ignored the voices that tried to talk to him, to get him to listen, to talk, to do anything except sit silently as he had since he had returned from the Alpha site and found her in the hospital struggling for life.
What happened was unfortunate and completely unexpected. It could have happened at any time. The words of the people surrounding him, the words that they said to calm him, to explain, echoed through his head. None of these words could stop the guilt he felt, the guilt that echoed through his head and flowed straight into his soul. It was his fault it happened in the first place, if only he hadn't taken the mission.
"Colonel O'Neill!"
He didn't care if he got court-martialed over this. It wasn't worth it anymore. He didn't have anything left to sacrifice.
It wouldn't take much to be with her. A gun, like he tried after Charlie, was the easiest, or getting some meds from the infirmary. He could fall asleep in the leaky boat he never got a chance to fix and feed the nonexistent fish in his lake.
He felt himself being dragged up to a standing position and led down the corridors of the hospital. He didn't care. All he could see was his failure. For the second time he had lost his center, for the second time he had caused the breakup of his team and his family.
Movement stopped as his eyes focused on his new surroundings. Instead of the sanitary blue and green of the previous place this room was decorated with brightly colored characters on the walls, its cheerfulness a stark contrast to the darkness surrounding him.
He was sitting in a rocking chair now staring at the wall but seeing nothing. He heard the voices speak again, gentler this time, and felt something being placed in his arms. Instinctively his arms cradled the small bundle, protecting it.
He felt it move even as a sound intruded into his head, forcing him to pay attention. Slowly he turned his eyes to it, not wanting to see but unable to stop.
Wide blue eyes stared at him from beneath the pink blanket it was wrapped in. Pure light that tore through the darkness in his mind and straight to his heart.
He held the baby tighter, trying to hold on to the feeling of peace he had felt after looking into her eyes. The small child's innocence and helplessness seeped into his soul as some of the other voices came into focus.
"She knew the risks..."
"Sam would want you to care for her..."
"She's yours, Jack."
"She needs her father..."
The voices faded away again as he continued to stare into the bright blue eyes of the baby. Her eyes. Carter's Eyes.
And maybe, just maybe he had a reason to go on after all.