Disclaimer: I do not own any characters and the song is Evanesence…The Lyrics are from My Immortal.
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I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
It only seems like yesterday I was here with my brother. That only yesterday he and I were hiding. But not from Cruz, not because he was a supposed cop killer, but because my Dad was hitting my mother again. We would sit on the wall and watch the ships coming and going through the Long Island Sound. We both wanted to know where they were going, we both wanted to go on them. Mikey and I wanted to get away, far away. From here, from this city, from that apartment. It only seems like yesterday that I was 10 and Mikey he was 8. We sat here watching those ships come and go.
It's like Mikey's still here. Still sitting her next to me asking. "Mo when are going to leave, when are we going to go?"
I'd look at my brother with annoyed eyes and tell him when the time was right we would leave. Truth was the time would never be right and I was only telling him we would leave to make him feel better. If I had only known what that meant to him, how much he -actually- believed me maybe we would have -actually- done it. Maybe if we would have hopped on one of those ships. Mikey would still be here.
I can still remember when Mikey would come into my room in the middle of the night. I was 8 he was 6. The was a "monster" under his bed. So he came into my room, dragging that stupid old ratty teddy bear of his. I was tired and cranky he woke me up, but I still moved over, lifted the sheets up, so that he could climb in. Then pulled the sheets over him, tucking him in tightly. Telling him the monsters were afraid of me and if they came in here I'd kick their ass.
I knew there was no such thing as monsters under the bed. But if it made Mikey feel better, then I'd let him think he was safe. And it never failed, moments after crawling into my bed; he'd fall asleep, clutching that teddy bear close to him.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I can't believe he's gone. I can't believe that it only seems like yesterday that we were kids, planning on running away, planning on getting away from here. We never did. We never ran away.
Mikey found another way to run away. Mikey found drugs. Kinda funny how my mother has two sons, on two completely different sides of the law. One who fights the law, and one who breaks it by selling and doing drugs?
I arrested him for it, and I may have been harsher with him then I would have been with any other dealer. But the thing was he wasn't any other dealer. He was my brother, my baby brother. Who I knew could do so much better then dealing. Who I knew was so much smarter then that.
It pissed me off seeing him get out of that car. I wanted to shoot him right then and there. I was beyond -pissed-.
But when I got home that night I sat and thought that maybe I was the one to blame. Maybe if he would have ran away like I promised. Gone on one of those ships. Maybe it would have never happened.
Or those nights when he had nightmares, maybe if I would have held his hand a little longer, dried away his tears. Told him it was going to be okay, maybe that would have never happened.
But you can't spend your whole life playing the "maybe" and "what if" game. It won't get you anywhere.
Mikeys gone, assholes dismembered him. When I saw him I had no idea it was him. I just thought it was some poor soul who had a unlucky day.
I didn't want to believe it was Mikey, I couldn't believe it. I had talked to him the day before. He was doing good. Laying low and doing good. Mikey was alive. Just 12 hours before, Mikey was alive.
What happen? How did it happen? How did they find him?
He was always afraid of monsters under his bed, yet now a different kind of monster found him. This monster hurt him. I can't even imagine how scared Mikey was of this monster. How scared he was and I wasn't there to dry his tears. To hold his hand. To protect him like I always promised. I wasn't there to be his brother. I begged him to let me be his brother, only this time I failed him. I failed my baby brother.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase
I never thought saying goodbye would be so hard. Hell I never thought I'd have to say goodbye to Mikey. Not like that. Not saying goodbye for good.
When he got his six month coin I was a little skeptical at first. You know 'cause I've heard Mikey tell me time and after time again. He was clean. When he really wasn't. But this time, I stood in the back of a church basement, staring at my brother, smiling. Smiling proudly. Smiling at my baby brother, 'cause for once maybe he was clean. He was doing right.
I was -so- proud of him. I knew he could do it. I knew that once Mikey got off the drugs, he could be the brother I knew he was. He could be the son my Ma knew he was. He could be the person everyone knew he was. And maybe now he had a real chance at life.
But he wasn't clean, he was dealing drugs. Then got involved in a cop killing.
Mikey was scared. I knew he was. He was the same little scared boy that would come into my room in the middle of the night because monsters were under his bed.
There were no monsters under his bed. The only monsters that were after him was Cruz and her ACU. But Mikey was still scared. I had to be his brother. He needed me. He needed Mo.
Pulling up there all those memories came rushing back. Everything came back. My childhood, his childhood flashed by in a moment of seconds. And what seemed like ages ago, was no more. It was happening again.
I walked under the tunnel, and it was weird I could hear our small voices echoing off the walls, as we ran around them playing hide and go seek, playing tag, or me just being an ass and hiding from Mikey.
I knew he didn't kill Dade. I knew Mikey didn't do it. He may have done a lot of other things in his life, but Mikey would never kill a cop. That wasn't Mikey.
Next thing I know I'm back on that fucking wall, and I'm arguing with my brother. That was the last time I really spent time with him; out of jail. And we fought.
He was scared and damn it so was I. I was so scared for him. Even if he didn't kill Dade, I knew he was going to jail. Mikey knew he was going to jail. He was going to a place where there was a whole different kind of monster. A monster I couldn't protect him from. He couldn't come to my room, carrying that teddy bear, and fall asleep a few seconds later. Not with those kind of monsters.
I begged him to let me be his brother. I told him I wanted to help him. I told Mikey I was going to get him a lawyer and we were going work this out. Only we didn't.
Mikeys' gone because the monsters finally got him. The monsters I promised I would protect him against. The ones he feared, the ones I told him not to fear because his big brother would kick their ass. Only I couldn't this time, and my baby brother is gone.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
Saying goodbye has never been so hard. Knowing something is so final has never been so hard. I miss him so much. I miss Mikey so much it hurts. I wish we would have ran away, gotten on them stupid boats and left. Maybe if we did the monsters would have never gotten Mikey. Maybe if we did, I wouldn't have to say goodbye. I wouldn't have to say goodbye and I'd still have my baby brother.
-----------------------------
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
It only seems like yesterday I was here with my brother. That only yesterday he and I were hiding. But not from Cruz, not because he was a supposed cop killer, but because my Dad was hitting my mother again. We would sit on the wall and watch the ships coming and going through the Long Island Sound. We both wanted to know where they were going, we both wanted to go on them. Mikey and I wanted to get away, far away. From here, from this city, from that apartment. It only seems like yesterday that I was 10 and Mikey he was 8. We sat here watching those ships come and go.
It's like Mikey's still here. Still sitting her next to me asking. "Mo when are going to leave, when are we going to go?"
I'd look at my brother with annoyed eyes and tell him when the time was right we would leave. Truth was the time would never be right and I was only telling him we would leave to make him feel better. If I had only known what that meant to him, how much he -actually- believed me maybe we would have -actually- done it. Maybe if we would have hopped on one of those ships. Mikey would still be here.
I can still remember when Mikey would come into my room in the middle of the night. I was 8 he was 6. The was a "monster" under his bed. So he came into my room, dragging that stupid old ratty teddy bear of his. I was tired and cranky he woke me up, but I still moved over, lifted the sheets up, so that he could climb in. Then pulled the sheets over him, tucking him in tightly. Telling him the monsters were afraid of me and if they came in here I'd kick their ass.
I knew there was no such thing as monsters under the bed. But if it made Mikey feel better, then I'd let him think he was safe. And it never failed, moments after crawling into my bed; he'd fall asleep, clutching that teddy bear close to him.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I can't believe he's gone. I can't believe that it only seems like yesterday that we were kids, planning on running away, planning on getting away from here. We never did. We never ran away.
Mikey found another way to run away. Mikey found drugs. Kinda funny how my mother has two sons, on two completely different sides of the law. One who fights the law, and one who breaks it by selling and doing drugs?
I arrested him for it, and I may have been harsher with him then I would have been with any other dealer. But the thing was he wasn't any other dealer. He was my brother, my baby brother. Who I knew could do so much better then dealing. Who I knew was so much smarter then that.
It pissed me off seeing him get out of that car. I wanted to shoot him right then and there. I was beyond -pissed-.
But when I got home that night I sat and thought that maybe I was the one to blame. Maybe if he would have ran away like I promised. Gone on one of those ships. Maybe it would have never happened.
Or those nights when he had nightmares, maybe if I would have held his hand a little longer, dried away his tears. Told him it was going to be okay, maybe that would have never happened.
But you can't spend your whole life playing the "maybe" and "what if" game. It won't get you anywhere.
Mikeys gone, assholes dismembered him. When I saw him I had no idea it was him. I just thought it was some poor soul who had a unlucky day.
I didn't want to believe it was Mikey, I couldn't believe it. I had talked to him the day before. He was doing good. Laying low and doing good. Mikey was alive. Just 12 hours before, Mikey was alive.
What happen? How did it happen? How did they find him?
He was always afraid of monsters under his bed, yet now a different kind of monster found him. This monster hurt him. I can't even imagine how scared Mikey was of this monster. How scared he was and I wasn't there to dry his tears. To hold his hand. To protect him like I always promised. I wasn't there to be his brother. I begged him to let me be his brother, only this time I failed him. I failed my baby brother.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase
I never thought saying goodbye would be so hard. Hell I never thought I'd have to say goodbye to Mikey. Not like that. Not saying goodbye for good.
When he got his six month coin I was a little skeptical at first. You know 'cause I've heard Mikey tell me time and after time again. He was clean. When he really wasn't. But this time, I stood in the back of a church basement, staring at my brother, smiling. Smiling proudly. Smiling at my baby brother, 'cause for once maybe he was clean. He was doing right.
I was -so- proud of him. I knew he could do it. I knew that once Mikey got off the drugs, he could be the brother I knew he was. He could be the son my Ma knew he was. He could be the person everyone knew he was. And maybe now he had a real chance at life.
But he wasn't clean, he was dealing drugs. Then got involved in a cop killing.
Mikey was scared. I knew he was. He was the same little scared boy that would come into my room in the middle of the night because monsters were under his bed.
There were no monsters under his bed. The only monsters that were after him was Cruz and her ACU. But Mikey was still scared. I had to be his brother. He needed me. He needed Mo.
Pulling up there all those memories came rushing back. Everything came back. My childhood, his childhood flashed by in a moment of seconds. And what seemed like ages ago, was no more. It was happening again.
I walked under the tunnel, and it was weird I could hear our small voices echoing off the walls, as we ran around them playing hide and go seek, playing tag, or me just being an ass and hiding from Mikey.
I knew he didn't kill Dade. I knew Mikey didn't do it. He may have done a lot of other things in his life, but Mikey would never kill a cop. That wasn't Mikey.
Next thing I know I'm back on that fucking wall, and I'm arguing with my brother. That was the last time I really spent time with him; out of jail. And we fought.
He was scared and damn it so was I. I was so scared for him. Even if he didn't kill Dade, I knew he was going to jail. Mikey knew he was going to jail. He was going to a place where there was a whole different kind of monster. A monster I couldn't protect him from. He couldn't come to my room, carrying that teddy bear, and fall asleep a few seconds later. Not with those kind of monsters.
I begged him to let me be his brother. I told him I wanted to help him. I told Mikey I was going to get him a lawyer and we were going work this out. Only we didn't.
Mikeys' gone because the monsters finally got him. The monsters I promised I would protect him against. The ones he feared, the ones I told him not to fear because his big brother would kick their ass. Only I couldn't this time, and my baby brother is gone.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
Saying goodbye has never been so hard. Knowing something is so final has never been so hard. I miss him so much. I miss Mikey so much it hurts. I wish we would have ran away, gotten on them stupid boats and left. Maybe if we did the monsters would have never gotten Mikey. Maybe if we did, I wouldn't have to say goodbye. I wouldn't have to say goodbye and I'd still have my baby brother.