The Lord of the Ring-Pulls
Or
How I learned to Stop Worrying and Start Loving to Beat Up Hapless
Orcs
Volume Two- The Austin Towers, Baby!
Chapter One The Roiders of Ronan
For two hours straight Aragormless, Grouchi, Dill and Leggylass ran after the party of D'orcs that had abducted Smelly and Pipsqueak. Two hours, that is, taking into account the seven hours they had spent eating, the ten hours spent sleeping and the five hours spent at Barometer's funeral and wake.
All in all, it had been a day since Barometer's death and the breaking of the Fellowship, but to the remainder of the Fellowship it felt like an entire year had passed. Eventually getting sick of Grouchi's complaints of shooting pains in his left arm due to running, Aragormless signalled for the party to stop as they came over a slight rise, looking out over a flat, green country.
"This is the land of Ronan, land of horses, and curiously, no snakes." Said Aragormless to the rest of the Fellowship.
"We know." Said Leggylass. "Unlike Rabbits, we studied geography."
"The men here are tall and fair-haired. Bleached, naturally. They speak in a strange tongue, and are fond of dressing in green, singing pop ballads, drinking bitter black liquid and carrying out religious terrorism." Continued Aragormless.
"Ve know. Ve're not thick." Said Grouchi.
"When you're quite finished," said Dill, stooping down and picking something up from the ground, "you may want to take a look at this."
In her hand she held one of the Blue Ship brooches given to the Fellowship in LoatheLorraine. Aragormless gasped, quickly snatching the trinket from Dill and inspecting it in the light. .
"Using my Ranger skills, I have deduced from this small clue that the Rabbits came this way!" he said.
"Never mind the Rabbit and D'orc footprints we're following," muttered Leggylass, "or the 30ft signs reading: Dear D'orcs, don't forget to bring the Rabbits to Ivanhoe! Love Sorryman. PS Ivanhoe's this way."
Aragormless opened his mouth to chastise her, when Dill interrupted. "Horses at twelve o' clock!" said the Warden, leaping behind a rock and pulling her elvish cloak around her. Grouchi and Leggylass looked up, and saw many riders heading in their direction. Following Dill's lead, they cowered behind the rock until the riders had passed them by. Aragormless however, remained where he was, gazing at the LoatheLorraine brooch, and the others watched as he was trampled by the riders of Ronan.
Grouchi, Dill and Leggylass leapt from their hiding place and ran over to check whether the king was alright. Unfortunately, he was fine, and the riders swiftly surrounded them.
One dismounted from his horse. Removing his helmet, the Fellowship saw he was a young man, blonde and clad all in green.
"Hello there, to be sure. Beggoroh bejabers, who might ye be, and what are ye doing in Ronan?" The man said.
"I am Leggylass, an elf of Irk-wood, and this is Tomboy Dill, the warden of Edward-Wood in the north. That," said Leggylass pointing to Aragormless, "is Aragormless, king of Front-Dor, although you would know to look at him, and this is Ugli the dwarf..."
"Grouchi the dvarf." Interrupted Grouchi.
"No, I think she was right the first time." muttered Dill.
"Anyway, we are tracking some D'orcs that came this way. They've taken some... acquaintances, of ours captive." Continued the elf. "Who are you, anyway?" she asked.
"To be sure, me name's Éomama, and I'm the leader of these roiders." Replied the man.
"Have you seen any D'orcs around here? More importantly, one called Bill, boasting about how he just killed the hottest steward in Middly-Squat Earth, savvy?" asked Dill eagerly.
"Jaizus, Mary and Joseph! We killed some D'orcs just last noight, didn't we, fellas?" said Éomama. The riders nodded in agreement.
"Brilliant!" Said Aragormless. "Makes our job easier. Um, you didn't see two Rabbits with them, did you?"
"Rabbits?"
"'Bout 3'5'' ish, mischievous, like to dress in green."
"Ohhh. D'ye mean Leprechauns?" said Éomama.
"No, Rabbits. Y'know, long ears, big feet, fluffy white tails? They like eating and having lots of baby rabbits that you have to sell back to the pet shop?" said Dill. The Riders looked blankly at her.
"One's Scottish and rather silly, the other one's nondescript and seems to be there just to fill the space." said Leggylass.
"We certainly didn't see no Leprechauns last noight." Said Éomama, "Except Dougal over there, but that was only after foive Guinnesses."
The Fellowship looked sadly at each other.
"What do we do now?" said Leggylass.
"If ye loike, ye could take a couple of me horses and go and see where we left the D'orcs in a big smoking poile near White-Fangorn forest."
He pointed to the horizon, where indeed there was a huge and very visible amount of smoke rising from a poile, sorry, pile of corpses.
"Amazing how we didn't notice that before, what with Leggylass' incredible elf-vision, and Aragormless' ranger skills." Observed Dill shrewdly.
"Mmm," said Aragormless impassively. "Anyway, we'll take you up on that horse thing." He said to Éomama.
Three horses were brought forward, that looked like they had just recovered from a bout of Bubonic Plague. Grouchi eyed them warily.
"Keep your fingers away from Mickey over there," Éomama advised them, "he ain't eaten nothing but D'orc for six yoirs." With that, he signalled to the riders, and they high-ho silvered away over the hill, leaving the bemused Fellowship standing alone.
Dill, Leggylass and Grouchi jumped aboard the horses Éomama had given them, and set off in the direction of the smoke, leaving Aragormless to stumble after them, shouting:
"Hey! Wait for meeee!"
*********
The next day they found themselves gazing sadly upon the smoking pile of D'orcs, wrinkling their noses slightly (although oddly enough the D'orcs smelled a little better dead than they did alive).
No signs of the Rabbits could be seen anywhere. Dill and Leggylass wandered off aimlessly, while Grouchi rifled through the dead D'orcs, looking for wallets, gold teeth and his stolen cigars.
Suddenly the dwarf cried out in alarm.
"Oy gevalt! Look at vhat I've found!"
The others rushed over to him, thinking he'd discovered an Indian Head Nickel or something just as valuable, but gasped when they saw what the dwarf brandished. It was a Dungeons and Dragons board game.
"That lying Éomama!" said Aragormless angrily. "The Rabbits were here alright!"
"Where shall we go now?" asked Leggylass unhappily.
"I saw ve go and fix the vagon of that no good Ronaner." Said Grouchi, stubbing a cigar on a D'orc's head.
"Hold your horses, dudes." Said Dill. "Literally. Mickey's wandering off. But before you go and commit mass homicide you should see this."
After retrieving Mickey, the others gathered around Dill. On the ground before her there were some very Rabbit-esque footprints, a small trail of lettuce leaves and a tiny jacket, saying 'property of Pipsqueak Crook' on the label.
"If I read the signs rightly," said Aragormless, catching on, "the Rabbits were here!"
"Then they aren't dead?" said Leggylass joyfully.
"Nope."
"Does that mean we still have to go and find them?" said Dill, annoyed.
"'Fraid so." Said the Ranger, following the Rabbit trail, the others scampering after him.
The tracks lead them in zigzagging patterns; five metres to the left, one step forward two steps back, twice around the pile of dead D'orcs, until they finally plunged into White-Fangorn forest.
Dill, Aragormless and Grouchi followed the tracks into the forest, but Leggylass lingered nervously on the borders of the wood.
"Come on, Leggylass!" shouted Aragormless impatiently.
"I wouldn't go in there for all the elves in LoatheLorraine!" Leggylass yelled back. "It's haunted!"
"What is it with this book and haunted forests?" wondered Dill, as they went back and dragged Leggylass kicking and screaming into the wood.
They followed the Rabbit's footprints into the forest for a while, until suddenly the tracks disappeared.
"Vhere'd they go?" whispered Grouchi, not a little scared.
"I told you! This place is more twisted than Michael Jackson's face!" Said Leggylass, verging on hysterics now.
"Rubbish." Said Aragormless haughtily. "There is absolutely no such thing as gho..." when he was interrupted by a flash of white light, a puff of smoke and a chorus of heavenly singing.
The Fellowship stood wide eyed as a figure appeared before them, clad in a spotless white suit, sporting Ralph Lauren shades and some natty dreadlocks.
"Sorryman!" The Fellowship cried as one.
"Uh uh! That's not the answer we're looking for. Guess again."
"Gangwarf!" said a shocked Fellowship. "The one and only." Came the reply. "Gangwarf?" said Dill, astounded. "You look... good."
"You sound surprised to see me. And I always look good." Said the wizard snootily to the amazed warden.
"But... you fell. We saw you fall. You fell good!" said Aragormless increduously.
"Evidently." Said Gangwarf coolly.
"How did you escape the Bangle? And then get out of the bottomless pit of Custard-Doom?" said Leggylass.
"The tale is long in the telling, and we are pressed for time..." Said the wizard. "All you need to know is that the pit was not bottomless, and I eventually escaped to LoatheLorraine, where I picked up my new threads." Continued Gangwarf, giving the Fellowship a little twirl, and hitting Grouchi in the face with a dreadlock.
"Forgive me. I thought you had fallen into a lake of Daz." Said Leggylass, smirking.
"Such wit." Snapped the wizard. "But know this: I am not the same Gangwarf you knew. I have passed through fire, death..."
"And washing powder." Chipped in Dill.
"Indeed." Said the wizard angrily.
"Have you seen Smelly and Pipsqueak?" asked Aragormless.
"Yes, they are quite safe. They are under the protection of the guardian of this forest. Do not trouble yourselves about them. "
"We won't." promised Dill.
"We have bigger fish to fry," said Gangwarf, "we must depart to Edortails, the capital of Ronan, immediately."
"I always thought the capital of Ronan was 'R'" said Aragormless. Everyone grimaced, wondering how long the author could get away with these cheesy gags.
"King Théowulf of Ronan is under the power of Sorryman. We must go at once and rescue him." Said Gangwarf importantly.
"Aww, can't ve stay here?" whined Grouchi.
"Nay! We must go to Edortails pronto, Tonto. So quit whinging." Said the wizard, leading them out of the forest and back onto the plains of Ronan.
"Pfft. I bet he just wants to stock up on his hair bleach." Muttered Grouchi, following the wizard.
A white horse came galloping into view, skidding to a half just in front of Gangwarf.
"This is FedEx, the lord of all horses in Middly-Squat Earth." Said Gangwarf loudly. "He was on special offer along with my outfit."
Presently four horses (and one man running behind shouting 'wait for me!') were soon galloping across the plains of Ronan, making their way into the next chapter.
Or
How I learned to Stop Worrying and Start Loving to Beat Up Hapless
Orcs
Volume Two- The Austin Towers, Baby!
Chapter One The Roiders of Ronan
For two hours straight Aragormless, Grouchi, Dill and Leggylass ran after the party of D'orcs that had abducted Smelly and Pipsqueak. Two hours, that is, taking into account the seven hours they had spent eating, the ten hours spent sleeping and the five hours spent at Barometer's funeral and wake.
All in all, it had been a day since Barometer's death and the breaking of the Fellowship, but to the remainder of the Fellowship it felt like an entire year had passed. Eventually getting sick of Grouchi's complaints of shooting pains in his left arm due to running, Aragormless signalled for the party to stop as they came over a slight rise, looking out over a flat, green country.
"This is the land of Ronan, land of horses, and curiously, no snakes." Said Aragormless to the rest of the Fellowship.
"We know." Said Leggylass. "Unlike Rabbits, we studied geography."
"The men here are tall and fair-haired. Bleached, naturally. They speak in a strange tongue, and are fond of dressing in green, singing pop ballads, drinking bitter black liquid and carrying out religious terrorism." Continued Aragormless.
"Ve know. Ve're not thick." Said Grouchi.
"When you're quite finished," said Dill, stooping down and picking something up from the ground, "you may want to take a look at this."
In her hand she held one of the Blue Ship brooches given to the Fellowship in LoatheLorraine. Aragormless gasped, quickly snatching the trinket from Dill and inspecting it in the light. .
"Using my Ranger skills, I have deduced from this small clue that the Rabbits came this way!" he said.
"Never mind the Rabbit and D'orc footprints we're following," muttered Leggylass, "or the 30ft signs reading: Dear D'orcs, don't forget to bring the Rabbits to Ivanhoe! Love Sorryman. PS Ivanhoe's this way."
Aragormless opened his mouth to chastise her, when Dill interrupted. "Horses at twelve o' clock!" said the Warden, leaping behind a rock and pulling her elvish cloak around her. Grouchi and Leggylass looked up, and saw many riders heading in their direction. Following Dill's lead, they cowered behind the rock until the riders had passed them by. Aragormless however, remained where he was, gazing at the LoatheLorraine brooch, and the others watched as he was trampled by the riders of Ronan.
Grouchi, Dill and Leggylass leapt from their hiding place and ran over to check whether the king was alright. Unfortunately, he was fine, and the riders swiftly surrounded them.
One dismounted from his horse. Removing his helmet, the Fellowship saw he was a young man, blonde and clad all in green.
"Hello there, to be sure. Beggoroh bejabers, who might ye be, and what are ye doing in Ronan?" The man said.
"I am Leggylass, an elf of Irk-wood, and this is Tomboy Dill, the warden of Edward-Wood in the north. That," said Leggylass pointing to Aragormless, "is Aragormless, king of Front-Dor, although you would know to look at him, and this is Ugli the dwarf..."
"Grouchi the dvarf." Interrupted Grouchi.
"No, I think she was right the first time." muttered Dill.
"Anyway, we are tracking some D'orcs that came this way. They've taken some... acquaintances, of ours captive." Continued the elf. "Who are you, anyway?" she asked.
"To be sure, me name's Éomama, and I'm the leader of these roiders." Replied the man.
"Have you seen any D'orcs around here? More importantly, one called Bill, boasting about how he just killed the hottest steward in Middly-Squat Earth, savvy?" asked Dill eagerly.
"Jaizus, Mary and Joseph! We killed some D'orcs just last noight, didn't we, fellas?" said Éomama. The riders nodded in agreement.
"Brilliant!" Said Aragormless. "Makes our job easier. Um, you didn't see two Rabbits with them, did you?"
"Rabbits?"
"'Bout 3'5'' ish, mischievous, like to dress in green."
"Ohhh. D'ye mean Leprechauns?" said Éomama.
"No, Rabbits. Y'know, long ears, big feet, fluffy white tails? They like eating and having lots of baby rabbits that you have to sell back to the pet shop?" said Dill. The Riders looked blankly at her.
"One's Scottish and rather silly, the other one's nondescript and seems to be there just to fill the space." said Leggylass.
"We certainly didn't see no Leprechauns last noight." Said Éomama, "Except Dougal over there, but that was only after foive Guinnesses."
The Fellowship looked sadly at each other.
"What do we do now?" said Leggylass.
"If ye loike, ye could take a couple of me horses and go and see where we left the D'orcs in a big smoking poile near White-Fangorn forest."
He pointed to the horizon, where indeed there was a huge and very visible amount of smoke rising from a poile, sorry, pile of corpses.
"Amazing how we didn't notice that before, what with Leggylass' incredible elf-vision, and Aragormless' ranger skills." Observed Dill shrewdly.
"Mmm," said Aragormless impassively. "Anyway, we'll take you up on that horse thing." He said to Éomama.
Three horses were brought forward, that looked like they had just recovered from a bout of Bubonic Plague. Grouchi eyed them warily.
"Keep your fingers away from Mickey over there," Éomama advised them, "he ain't eaten nothing but D'orc for six yoirs." With that, he signalled to the riders, and they high-ho silvered away over the hill, leaving the bemused Fellowship standing alone.
Dill, Leggylass and Grouchi jumped aboard the horses Éomama had given them, and set off in the direction of the smoke, leaving Aragormless to stumble after them, shouting:
"Hey! Wait for meeee!"
*********
The next day they found themselves gazing sadly upon the smoking pile of D'orcs, wrinkling their noses slightly (although oddly enough the D'orcs smelled a little better dead than they did alive).
No signs of the Rabbits could be seen anywhere. Dill and Leggylass wandered off aimlessly, while Grouchi rifled through the dead D'orcs, looking for wallets, gold teeth and his stolen cigars.
Suddenly the dwarf cried out in alarm.
"Oy gevalt! Look at vhat I've found!"
The others rushed over to him, thinking he'd discovered an Indian Head Nickel or something just as valuable, but gasped when they saw what the dwarf brandished. It was a Dungeons and Dragons board game.
"That lying Éomama!" said Aragormless angrily. "The Rabbits were here alright!"
"Where shall we go now?" asked Leggylass unhappily.
"I saw ve go and fix the vagon of that no good Ronaner." Said Grouchi, stubbing a cigar on a D'orc's head.
"Hold your horses, dudes." Said Dill. "Literally. Mickey's wandering off. But before you go and commit mass homicide you should see this."
After retrieving Mickey, the others gathered around Dill. On the ground before her there were some very Rabbit-esque footprints, a small trail of lettuce leaves and a tiny jacket, saying 'property of Pipsqueak Crook' on the label.
"If I read the signs rightly," said Aragormless, catching on, "the Rabbits were here!"
"Then they aren't dead?" said Leggylass joyfully.
"Nope."
"Does that mean we still have to go and find them?" said Dill, annoyed.
"'Fraid so." Said the Ranger, following the Rabbit trail, the others scampering after him.
The tracks lead them in zigzagging patterns; five metres to the left, one step forward two steps back, twice around the pile of dead D'orcs, until they finally plunged into White-Fangorn forest.
Dill, Aragormless and Grouchi followed the tracks into the forest, but Leggylass lingered nervously on the borders of the wood.
"Come on, Leggylass!" shouted Aragormless impatiently.
"I wouldn't go in there for all the elves in LoatheLorraine!" Leggylass yelled back. "It's haunted!"
"What is it with this book and haunted forests?" wondered Dill, as they went back and dragged Leggylass kicking and screaming into the wood.
They followed the Rabbit's footprints into the forest for a while, until suddenly the tracks disappeared.
"Vhere'd they go?" whispered Grouchi, not a little scared.
"I told you! This place is more twisted than Michael Jackson's face!" Said Leggylass, verging on hysterics now.
"Rubbish." Said Aragormless haughtily. "There is absolutely no such thing as gho..." when he was interrupted by a flash of white light, a puff of smoke and a chorus of heavenly singing.
The Fellowship stood wide eyed as a figure appeared before them, clad in a spotless white suit, sporting Ralph Lauren shades and some natty dreadlocks.
"Sorryman!" The Fellowship cried as one.
"Uh uh! That's not the answer we're looking for. Guess again."
"Gangwarf!" said a shocked Fellowship. "The one and only." Came the reply. "Gangwarf?" said Dill, astounded. "You look... good."
"You sound surprised to see me. And I always look good." Said the wizard snootily to the amazed warden.
"But... you fell. We saw you fall. You fell good!" said Aragormless increduously.
"Evidently." Said Gangwarf coolly.
"How did you escape the Bangle? And then get out of the bottomless pit of Custard-Doom?" said Leggylass.
"The tale is long in the telling, and we are pressed for time..." Said the wizard. "All you need to know is that the pit was not bottomless, and I eventually escaped to LoatheLorraine, where I picked up my new threads." Continued Gangwarf, giving the Fellowship a little twirl, and hitting Grouchi in the face with a dreadlock.
"Forgive me. I thought you had fallen into a lake of Daz." Said Leggylass, smirking.
"Such wit." Snapped the wizard. "But know this: I am not the same Gangwarf you knew. I have passed through fire, death..."
"And washing powder." Chipped in Dill.
"Indeed." Said the wizard angrily.
"Have you seen Smelly and Pipsqueak?" asked Aragormless.
"Yes, they are quite safe. They are under the protection of the guardian of this forest. Do not trouble yourselves about them. "
"We won't." promised Dill.
"We have bigger fish to fry," said Gangwarf, "we must depart to Edortails, the capital of Ronan, immediately."
"I always thought the capital of Ronan was 'R'" said Aragormless. Everyone grimaced, wondering how long the author could get away with these cheesy gags.
"King Théowulf of Ronan is under the power of Sorryman. We must go at once and rescue him." Said Gangwarf importantly.
"Aww, can't ve stay here?" whined Grouchi.
"Nay! We must go to Edortails pronto, Tonto. So quit whinging." Said the wizard, leading them out of the forest and back onto the plains of Ronan.
"Pfft. I bet he just wants to stock up on his hair bleach." Muttered Grouchi, following the wizard.
A white horse came galloping into view, skidding to a half just in front of Gangwarf.
"This is FedEx, the lord of all horses in Middly-Squat Earth." Said Gangwarf loudly. "He was on special offer along with my outfit."
Presently four horses (and one man running behind shouting 'wait for me!') were soon galloping across the plains of Ronan, making their way into the next chapter.