Chapter Two:

Another Big Scary Forest

Pipsqueak lay in a deep contented sleep, warm in his bed in Chip'n'Dell, dreaming of elvish songs and elvish food. He shuddered in his sleep, screaming in terror at the thought of Chip'n'Dell food and entertainment. Suddenly a cruel voice rang in his ears.

"Wakey, wakey, yer scummy little… ah… scum!"

"Ozzy?" Pipsqueak murmured drowsily, "You sound… different. Did you come off your quad bike again?"

He was shaken violently, and found himself staring into the slobbering, foaming jaws of a hideous creature.

"Wow, Ozzy! You got the plastic surgery then." He said, fully awake now.

"Shaddup, maggot! We got some questions for yer!" said his captor; a D'orc named Charles, who dragged Pipsqueak over to where Smelly lay trembling before Bill, who was clad in the white plastic armour of Sorryman.

"Which one of yer little rats 'as got the Ring-pull?" said Bill immediately, unsheathing a cruel looking feather duster and tapping it against Smelly's foot.

"Please don't kill us, o mighty and ever-so-handsome D'orc-man!" wailed Pipsqueak.

"You callin' me a D'orc? I ain't no stinkin' little D'orc! I am a D'orctrooper, one of Sorryman's elite! I'm gonna cream yer for that!" said Bill angrily, tickling the Rabbits mercilessly.

Amidst the agony of the tickling, the Rabbits looked at each other and made a silent vow of loyalty to the quest, and decided not to betray Fido. Precisely 3.7 minutes later, Smelly cracked.

"Dunno why you're bothering with me!" he shrieked. "He's the one with the Ring-pull!"

Immediately the D'orcs closed in on Pipsqueak.

"Nuh uh!" he squealed, as treacherous as Smelly. "It's him! He's got it! If he won't talk, go for his eyes!"

The D'orcs looked indecisively between the two Rabbits.

"Come on! Which one of yer's gorrit?" snarled Bill "I'm warnin' yer! I've gorra tickle stick an' I ain't afraid to use it!"

The Rabbits shrugged helplessly at the bewildered D'orcs.

"What Ring-pull?"

Bill screamed in rage, brandishing his feather duster with malice.

"I warned yer! Nah yer for it!"

"Hey!" said a larger D'orc called Colin. "Saurondemort said 'e wansta be the first ter do any ticklin, if ticklin's to be done!"

"Oooh, Saurondemort said so, did he?" said Bill in a high-pitched voice, squaring up to the other D'orc. "Pity I work for Sorryman, then, ain't it?"

The two D'orcs circled each other, dusters drawn.

"Steady on, chaps!" piped up a weedy D'orc named Schnagglurzak. "Don't let's get over exited, what what?"

"SHADDUP!" Every other D'orc screamed at him, watching as Bill and Colin proceeded to tear each other apart.

"Time to depart!" muttered Pipsqueak to Smelly, and they hopped away from the D'orc's camp, still bound at their wrists and ankles.

"I say! Would you like a hand with those ropes?" inquired Schnagglurzak cheerfully to the Rabbits, and unwittingly attracting the attention of every D'orc in the camp.

"'Ere! Those little toads is gettin away!" yelled Colin.

Instantly the bloodthirsty group (and the ever helpful Schnagglurzak) tore after the Rabbits, but were brought to a sudden halt when seventy or so Ronan riders appeared in the camp.

"Ai! The Ulster Unionists! Flee! Flee!" Cried the terrified D'orcs, but Smelly and Pipsqueak paid no attention to them. Already they were running as fast as their gigantic feet could carry them into the nearby forest of White-Fangorn.

They hurtled through the woods, until finally the distant shrieks of the D'orcs and the Ronaners cries of 'begorrahs-bejabers' were far behind them.

Alone in the forest, Smelly and Pipsqueak they stood looking at each other aimlessly for a while, waiting for the next plot point to occur. Which, in a matter of minutes (3.7, by sheer coincidence), it did.

"Lost in the forest, you are, hmm?" said a small, croaky voice that reminded Pipsqueak of a strangled Muppet.

"Who's there?" said the Rabbits nervously.

The trees shook violently; suggesting a towering figure carrying holiday weight was approaching the Rabbits' clearing. Smelly and Pipsqueak clung to each other, terrified. Suddenly a wizened green figure came hobbling into site, a full head shorter than both of the Rabbits, who burst out laughing.

"Sorry!" apologized Pipsqueak, wiping a tear from his eye. "We thought you were a giant!"

"Size matters not." Replied the green creature, a hurt tone creeping into his voice

"Who are you?" said Smelly, overjoyed to finally get a line.

"Many names I have, hmm? The Great Oz, I am to dwarves, in elvish Gonzomisspiggy my name is, but Soda you may call me." Replied Soda, puppeteers wiggling his long green ears. "Ant Guardian of White-Fangorn, I am."

"Do you work for Sorryman?" Inquired Pipsqueak nervously.

"Sorryman? No. Only the forest do I work for. And occasionally George Lucas, when right the money is."

"Phew." Sighed Smelly. "We thought you might be evil, if you worked for the White Wizard."

Soda's eyes widened. "Gone over to the Dark Side, Sorryman has?"

"Get with the times, man. He's been working for Saurondemort for ten chapters now." Replied the Rabbits.

"Always two there are, a master and an apprentice." Said Soda gravely. "Requires much thought, this does. Consult with my fellow Ants, I must. But first, to the White Wizard I will take you."

Pipsqueak and Smelly danced in shock.

"You said you didn't work for Sorryman!"

"Pfft. Watched the trailers, have you not? The White Wizard, no longer Sorryman is."

The Rabbits looked at each other, totally befuddled, completely confused, and also a little hungry, before following Soda through the trees.

*****

Soon Smelly and Pipsqueak came face to face with the new White Wizard of Middly-Squat Earth.

"Gangwarf!" they cried ecstatically.

"Naturellement. Who were you expecting; Magneto?"

"What's with the snazzy gear? Last time we met, you looked like you had recently escaped a five year spell in Wormwood Scrubs."

"Ha ha ha. Then I was merely Gangwarf the Gay. Now, I am Gangwarf the Straight, with the look to match." Replied the Wizard, peering over his shades and tapping his Rockport-clad foot impatiently.

"Well, my little Rabbits," he said finally, "you can either stay safely here in White-Fangorn with Soda, or accompany me to find the rest of the Fellowship. What's it to be?" asked Gangwarf.

The rabbits, tempted as they were by the offer of escaping the mad old Ant Soda, were a little intimidated by the phrase 'my little Rabbits', ('no longer Gangwarf the Gay, my giant hairy foot', thought Smelly) and so they decided to remain in White-Fangorn with Soda instead.

"Before you go, help the Ants decide what to do about Sorryman, will you?" Soda asked Gangwarf, who agreed, and soon the four of them were trekking through the wood to find the other Ants.

When every Ant in White-Fangorn had amassed in a clearing in the middle of the forest, Soda stood up (which didn't make much difference to his height, but hey), and spoke to the group assembled before him.

"A problem we Ants have, hmm? Gone over to the Dark side, Sorryman has. Told I was of this by these Rabbits. As Sorryman our neighbour is, something we must do about this." The other Ants murmured excitedly to each other, and one stood up.

"Oh Wise Soda, Sorryman has already damaged White-Fangorn! His foul D'orctroopers have been killing Ants for days in the south of the forest!" said the Ant sadly. The other Ants gasped in shock.. Another Ant (with a distinct asthmatic condition) by the name of Garth PlayDough leapt to his feet.

"We can't (breath) let that appal-(breath)-ling wizard do (breath) this!" he shouted, between taking an inhaler.

"Brave your words are, PlayDough, but too many of Sorryman's D'orctroopers there are. Kicked, our asses would be." Replied Soda solemnly.

The Ants agreed with Soda sadly. There was simply no defeating Sorryman's huge D'orctrooper army.

"Hey," said Fluke Knightrider, another Ant, "why don't we build an army of clon…"

"Shh!" said Soda angrily. "Sued for infringing copyright, you want to be?"

Everyone fell silent once more (apart from Garth's rattling breaths), when suddenly Smelly leapt to his feet, an idea hitting him. After hastily knocking out the idea for daring to hit him, Smelly explained his plan to the other Ants, who grinned wickedly to each other, and hastily agreed to the Rabbit's suggestion. Sorryman would regret ever daring to annoy the Ants of White-Fangorn, before the week was over.

Gangwarf, trying not to look overly happy about his role in Sorryman's downfall, bid the Rabbits and the Ants farewell and cantered off on FedEx to start the plan in motion by meeting up with Aragormless, Leggylass, Dill and Grouchi in the previous chapter (eat your heart out, Michael J. Fox).