Chapter Three: Just Can't Get the Staff These Days

The five companions stumbled over the green plains of Ronan through the night, until as dawn broke they looked upon a great city, built upon a tall hill.
"Edortails, the capital of Ronan." said Gangwarf to the rest. "We're lucky to have arrived in the morning; it's too early for anyone to have started drinking yet."
"Meaning they'll still have hangovers from last night, then." said Aragormless, panting from all that running.
"Too true," replied the wizard, "so don't speak too loudly, or make any smart-arse remarks. That means you, Dill."
Quickly, the five of them made their way to the gates of the city, and were let through. Looking around, they saw the usual features of a typical Ronan city. Narrow cobbled paths led the way through the town to various pubs and potato factories, with one wide road cutting straight through the messy street plan, to where a great building stood on top of the hill.
"That is the great hall of Mead-u-sold, the oldest brewery in Ronan. Also, it is the home of King Théowulf."
"Alcoholic much?" muttered Dill.
"What did I tell you about snide comments?" said Gangwarf furiously. "You better not say anything like that to the king!"
"Vhy's it so important to save this schmuck, anyvay?" said Grouchi, voicing the overall view of the Fellowship.
"Because he's under the power of Sorryman." said Gangwarf condescendingly. "Remember him? In league with Saurondemort?"
"Yeah, but then what? What do we want with some drunken king?" said Leggylass.
"Duh. Use him to defeat Sorryman's giant P'orctrooper army."
"I'm sorry. I must be losing my hearing." said Dill sarcastically. "I thought you said we should use him to defeat Sorryman's army, and even you, Gangwarf, imbecile that you are, would never suggest anything as utterly, utterly idiotic as that."
"Just humour me." said Gangwarf, tapping his large nose conspiratorially, "I have a cunning..."
"DON'T! Don't say it!" said everyone frantically.
"Fine." Sighed the wizard. "Come on, or they'll have started slurring their speech by the time we get there."
Hurried on by Gangwarf's ominous words, the company soon came to the great gates of Mead-U-Sold, where they were waylaid by a company of green- clad bouncers.
"Hello there, to be sure. Are ye here for the goided tour, or the beer-tasting session?" inquired the lead guard.
Grouchi's eyes lit up at the mention of beer, but Gangwarf quickly said that they were there to see the king (but they wouldn't mind a guided tour once they'd finished with Théowulf).
"Ah, no weapons allowed in the brewery," said a guard, snatching Dill's gun from her bag. "Can't be too careful these days, to be sure."
Dill growled angrily, but relented her gun. Gangwarf rolled his eye's condescendingly.
"Violence happy witch, I don't know." He muttered.
"That's sorceress to you, bub."
"Hand over ye staff as well, there." Said the guard to Gangwarf. "Secuiroity regulations, to be sure."
"Don't come between a wizard and his wand, bucko." Said Gangwarf threateningly.
"Now who's violence happy?" scoffed Leggylass. "Aww, just let him through." She said to the guard. "Less paperwork."
The guards looked at each other, considering, and eventually stepped reluctantly aside so that the five travellers could enter the hall.
It was very dark inside, despite a roaring log fire in the centre of the room. At the far end of the hall there was a throne, upon which an old man sat, his head nodding occasionally into sleep. Next to him an ugly man stood, sporadically poking the king out of his slumber.
The five companions made their way to the throne, Gangwarf leading. The king awoke suddenly, and cast a sleep-drenched eye over them.
"Who're ye?" said King Théowulf drowsily "Make it snappy, I ain't had a droink in two hoirs." "Whaaasup? I am Gangwarf, White Wizard and court-jester extraordinaire, here to deliver you from the evil of Sorryman, save your lands and even give you the mythical Wizard's Makeover™. Don't worry; I accept all major credit cards." Said Gangwarf, stepping forward impressively.
The ugly man next to the throne spoke up before Théowulf could reply.
"Gangwarf? Not the children's entertainer from the Shy-er? The one who can't tell the difference between his wand and his beard?" the man lisped disdainfully.
"Oy vey!" said Grouchi, recoiling. "I never forget a face, but in your case, I'd be glad to make an exception!"
"Hey! I know you!" said Dill suddenly. "Wormtail, isn't it?"
"I'm sorry?" said the man, a flicker of panic crossing his face.
"No, it was definitely something reptilian." Remarked Leggylass. "Dragon-breath? Alligator-nose?"
"Lizard-Looks?" chipped in Aragormless.
"No!" the man finally yelled. "It's Snake-eyes! Snake-eyes!"
"That's the one!" crowed Dill. "Grimy Snake-eyes, Sorryman's lackey!
"I don't know what you mean..." said Snake-eyes, horrified.
"Is this true?" said the King, shocked. "D'ye work for that tee-total arse of a wizard?"
"Never! I am loyal to Ronan only, my lord!" Snake-eyes spluttered.
Suddenly, without warning, a telegram boy sprinted into the hall, halting before Snake-eyes.
"Singing telegram for you, sir!" The boy said breathlessly, before breaking into an inspirational song:

"Hello Snake-eyes, my old friend
Your busy work is at an end
Your voice has been slow and boring
Until you got Théowulf snoring
Ronan has fallen, the words of your story
Now echo round Mead-U-Sold Hall
'Cos no-one at all can stand the sound
The sound of Snake-eyes"

"This is all a mistake!" shrieked Snake-eyes over the song.
"Also got an ordinary telegram for you, sir!" said the telegram boy

"Dear Snake-eyes STOP Well done on taking over Ronan STOP Remind me to give you a pay rise STOP Love and Hugs STOP Sorryman STOP"

Everyone looked accusingly at the counsellor, who tried (and failed) to look innocent.

"I'll just show myself out, shall I?" he said finally, before dashing through the hall and out the doors before the inebriated guards could stop him.

"Well, that went easier than expected." Observed Dill.

"You'd think that, wouldn't you?" Said Gangwarf, cleaning his sunglasses with a dreadlock, "But we've still got to defeat Sorryman."

"Whassat? Are ye outta yoir toiny moind?" slurred Théowulf at the wizard.

"Do not doubt the White Wizard." Said Gangwarf imperiously, arranging his shades foppishly on the top of his head. "And remember; I have a cunning..."

"DON'T!"

"What is it with you people? Why can't I say that?"

"Do you want to be sued by the BBC? Again?" explained Leggylass in a hushed tone. Gangwarf shook his head fearfully; awful memories of his last court case resurfacing- 'The Grey Wizard vs. Messrs Atkinson, Robinson and Fry' – all because of a careless comment at the 1997 Baftas.

"Well, anyway," said Dill uncomfortably, "what is this, ah, 'crafty idea', heh heh, of yours?"

"Well, basically, it's operation 'Distract-Sorryman-While-The-Ants-Attack- Him-From-Behind'."

"Isn't that kinda schneaky?" asked Grouchi.

"Duh. Do you think I got to where I am today by honesty and integrity alone?"

"I thought you committed Mass-Banglecide to get where you are today." Muttered Aragormless sardonically.

"Yes, well, still," stammered Gangwarf, lost for words for once, "there's more than one way to skin an oliphaunt, as they say."

"And where exactly do they say that?"

"Never you mind. Anyway, the point is, it doesn't matter how we defeat Sorryman, just so long as we defeat him."

"So two wrongs make a right, according to you."

"Shut up, Dill." Said Gangwarf, glaring at the Warden. "I'm the wizard so what I say goes. Right? Ok. What we have to do is declare War on Sorryman, get all his army to march out of Ivanhoe, then the Ants attack from behind and slam bang you've got one defeated wizard. What do you think?" he asked, beaming at them.

Everyone grudgingly agreed it was a very good plan.

"Just one tiny, insignificant flaw." Noted Dill. "How the Hell do we defeat a giant army of P'orcs?!?"

"Tha's moy question, too." Slurred Théowulf. Gangwarf's face fell.

"Those sneaky little Rabbits! I'll bet they knew all along that this would happen!"

"Vhat do ve do?" said Grouchi. "Defeating 10,000 P'orctroopers ain't exactly going to be a valk in Central Park."

Everyone looked at each other wordlessly. Suddenly, a small heat-and-light- giving, tungsten-filled, Edison-invented device lit up the air around Leggylass' head.

"Hey! What about Éomama?" she cried suddenly.

"By the power of Slimfast!" yelled Aragormless. "She's got it!"

"............ Explain, please!" chorused everyone.

"Leggylass clearly suggested that someone should go and fetch Éomama and his army or Ronaners, who will swell our numbers until we are strong enough to defeat the ghastly Sorryman!" cried Aragormless triumphantly.

"Uh, no," said Leggylass, "I meant that he's a possible future boyfriend for Dill, as he's the heir to Ronan, since all the other kingdom heirs are spoken for or dead."

Dill wrinkled her nose. "Nah. No offence, but who'd wanna be queen of this dump? I'm still holding out for Barometer's brother."

A sudden light had come into Gangwarf's eyes at Aragormless' suggestion, though.

"Behold!" he cried triumphantly. "For I, Gangwarf the White, Wizard extraordinaire, shall set forth to find Éomama and bring his army to defeat the P'orctroopers!"

"No way, José! You're not getting out of this fight like that!" said Dill, grasping at Gangwarf's cloak to hold him back.

But before Dill could get a proper grasp on him, Gangwarf charged from the hall, ran through the streets of Ronan, leapt on FedEx, and was dashing into the next chapter.