This goes out to Iapetus.
Well, Reader-sama, my first attempt at humour.
SanYe
He had woken up in yet another inn bed. He had dressed up in his standard Sanzo robes. He had eaten up his regular serving. He had beaten up the same idiots. He had gotten up the usual transport and had been heading west as always. They had been lucky enough to find a town with a good inn and were just getting ready to rest up.
Same old, same old.
Troublesome things came in small, pretty packages, like Kinkaku and his meeting with Gojyo. Like Gojyo's hair and eyes, too, while he was at it. Like Goku as well. Like Hakkai's Kanan, probably, but then again, he had no idea what she looked like…
Where was he again? Oh yes.
Troublesome things came in small, pretty packages.
They couldn't even time their visit right.
They were in Sanzo and Hakkai's room, finishing up their last game of mahjong before retiring for the night, when the troublesome, pretty things popped up and landed clumsily in the middle of the table.
The girl, dressed in silver and green and choked up to her neck and hair with carved jade pieces, recovered first and looked around her with interest. Gojyo returned her look with equal interest. The boy noticed this as he got up and stood to his full height. He straightened his fine gold clothes and coughed. The girl snapped back to attention.
The boy began, "We are Golden Boy and Jade Girl, here by the order of His Majesty Tentei." He turned to Sanzo. "Genjo Sanzo."
"What is it?"
Golden Boy fidgeted, "You're supposed to kneel before…" He faltered when Sanzo folded his arms, "It's up to you, really. Anyway, we're here for Son Goku."
"Ah." Hakkai smiled. "What's this all about, if you don't mind me asking?"
"Son Goku was supposed to be imprisoned in Mount Gogyo for five hundred years." Jade Girl spoke up. "That makes up one hundred and thirty-two thousand, six hundred and twenty-five days, or three million, one hundred and-"
"They get the idea, Jade."
"Oh." Jade Girl lapsed into embarrassed silence.
"Jade, you're supposed to tell them the reason we're taking Son Goku."
"I thought you said you wanted to do the honours!"
"Never mind." Golden Boy rubbed his temple feverishly. "Apparently, when Genjo Sanzo freed Son Goku, he was exactly three days and three nights early. So that means Son Goku still has to undergo exactly three days and three nights of imprisonment."
"That's exactly seventy-two hours." Added Jade Girl helpfully.
"Missed by exactly three days and three nights." Mocked Gojyo. "What an elegant mistake. Something only our wonderful leader is capable of."
"It's not Sanzo's fault, Gojyo." Hakkai admonished. "How was he to know that Goku still had seventy-two hours left? To err is human…"
"Shut up." Sanzo snarled. "How was I to know how long- Wait a minute. How did you people know about this yourselves?"
"Ten celestials from Northeast Tenkai were caught engaging in a mass orgy half a day before Son Goku's crime." Jade Girl readily volunteered. "However, the severity of their crime paled in comparison to Son Goku's, so they were temporarily forgotten. When the Heavenly Court eventually decided on the five hundred year imprisonment term, they realised that they needed someone to keep time. So each of the ten offenders had to watch Son Goku for fifty years."
"What was my crime?" Asked Goku suddenly, and it was only then that they remembered he was there all along. The celestial pair looked at each other nervously.
Golden Boy finally said, "We're not at liberty to reveal that."
"Back up a bit." Interrupted Gojyo. "I don't see how getting into an orgy is a crime."
"To keep the population in Tenkai constant, killing and sex are forbidden as a general rule." Jade Girl explained. At Gojyo's squawk of protest, her eyes dulled with what could only be regret. "We're all immortal, you see, so reproduction is unnecessary."
"You can't be serious! Reproduction isn't the only-"
Golden Boy cut in, "Anyway, we're here to oversee the completion of Son Goku's sentence. This is the direct order of His Majesty Tentei himself, so it takes precedence over your mission. Please let him leave with us. You may proceed with the journey. We'll track you down again when it's time for his return."
"W-wait a minute!" Goku exclaimed. "I've been freed for years, and you come only now?"
"A-ha. Well… Jade. You explain."
"The last fairy tried to cover up the mistake, but her friends found out and reported her immediately. One day in Tenkai equates to one year on Gekai, so that means we took only seven days to get sort out the problem. That's already pretty fast by our standards."
"That explains everything." Hakkai concluded. "I guess we don't have a choice then. You'll have to go with them."
"It's not my fault I was freed before time." Goku pleaded. He turned to Golden Boy, "Can't you overlook these three days on the account of good behaviour or something?"
"No." Golden Boy grounded out authoritatively. "What makes you think you can-"
On seeing the expression on Sanzo's face, he amended quickly, "It's not up to us to decide. Please, we're just doing our job."
"Go, monkey." Urged Gojyo. "The sooner you go, the sooner you can get this over and done with."
"You-"
Sanzo smacked his charge with his paper fan. "Just scram already."
Goku glowered and rose and to leave with the pair. "Alright, alright. I'm going. I'll miss you, Hakkai."
Hakkai gave him a weird look, but returned the sentiment anyway. "I'll miss you too, Goku. We'll see one another again soon. Here, this is for you, in case it gets too cold there."
"Hakk-"
"Wait a minute! You are not allowed to give Son Goku… I-I guess it's alright since it's only three days…"
"You're so understanding. Now, Goku, take of yourself, you hear?"
"Hakkai, why did you give him my lighter?"
"Gojyo, you know how Goku detests the cold. He'll be needing the lighter more than you do."
"Why don't you give him something of your own then? And what do you mean he will need it more… Okay. Listen up, monkey! That lighter is a gift from both Hakkai and me!" Gojyo paused, then added, "Don't starve to death."
Hakkai tilted his head slightly, "What about you, Sanzo?"
Sanzo frowned, "What about me? Who said I was going to join in on that?"
"He will miss you, Sanzo, at least give him something of yours so that he can take it out and think of you."
Sanzo snorted and whacked Goku with his fan before dropping the said object into Goku's hands.
"Sanzo-"
"In case it gets too hot in there. If not, find some other use for it."
"Sanzo…" There was a strange glimmer in Goku's eyes. Sanzo turned away quickly.
"I'll shoot you if you cry. Now get lost."
"I will miss you, Sanzo. At least I can now take out this fan and think of you."
"What the f-" Before Sanzo could turn back to Goku, Golden Boy decided that there had been enough delay and teleported Goku, Jade Girl and himself out of the room.
"That was a rather interesting incident." Smiled Hakkai. "Let's enjoy the rest of the peaceful night, hmm?"
Gojyo muttered under his breath, "Hypocrite…"
"Gojyo."
Gojyo relaxed visibly when he realised it was Sanzo who had spoken.
"I may not have the fan anymore…" Sanzo started casually as he rose up from his chair.
Gojyo all but ran out of the room. Hakkai moved towards his belongings.
"Now that Goku won't be occupying the other room with Gojyo, I suppose you would like to have the room to yourself?"
Goku's absence was a welcome change.
Gojyo was enjoying himself. Goku's absence meant that there was more space in the backseat for him to lounge about. Goku's absence meant no teasing, no arguing and no loud proclamations of hunger. Goku's absence also meant that he could smoke all he wanted and no one would complain.
"Gojyo, your smoke is clouding up my view. Please go easy on the cigarettes."
Cancel that last statement.
Hakkai was enjoying himself. Goku's absence meant that there would be more than enough food to go about. Goku's absence meant no endless inane chatter. Goku's absence meant that Hakkai had no one to comfort and baby…
Well, there's always Jeep.
Jeep was enjoying itself. Goku's absence meant that it had less weight in body and food to carry. There was less bouncing, less fighting and no bullets to contend with…
The silence was killing it. When one was used to noise, hearing nothing but the constant humming of your own heart, or engine in this case, for hours on end was freaky.
In addition, Gojyo was draping himself all over its butt, and was, together with Sanzo, smoking enough to fumigate Togenkyo.
Sanzo was not enjoying himself. Sure, there was quiet. Sure, they didn't have to spend that much on food for the last breakfast and wouldn't have to for the next few ones to come and he had finally gotten a whole room to himself for the first time in quite a while. It didn't matter. He couldn't sleep the whole night.
The noise from Hakkai and Gojyo was a sore reminder of what he would be missing for the next two nights. The weird feeling that had stayed with him past the early hours of dawn and even till now didn't help matters. He wasn't worried about Goku. That boy could survive anywhere. But no matter what he thought, the queasiness didn't let up and he had a gut feeling if he could see what Goku was going through, he wouldn't be happy at all.
Inexplicable.
He tried to ignore the feeling in favour of some much-needed sleep.
By the end of the second night, Sanzo felt like a walking corpse.
His appetite had waned and he was thoroughly bored with and sick of life. He had nothing to look forward to, nothing at all. His body ached with the discomfort that came with an itch that couldn't be soothed. Insomnia attacked him like a housefly to decay. He couldn't think, he couldn't act, he couldn't brood and he couldn't bitch.
He needed sex.
The uneasy feeling that was by now stuck like a shadow was a peculiar sensation in itself. It never went away, but it fluctuated in its intensity. When Sanzo was lucky, it was light enough to be almost forgotten but when it was at its worst, it was all the poor fellow could do to stop himself from going into a homicidal frenzy. Thankfully, Gojyo and Hakkai were aware of this and took care to steer clear of Sanzo and his inexplicable (but not unusual) bout of bad temper, literally. When they were not on the jeep, they were twenty feet away from him.
Paradoxically, that was the last thing he wanted, because in the depth of his growing insanity (or sanity, since to Sanzo he is finally starting to see the light) he found himself questioning his unnecessary and senseless attachment to Goku. Theirs wasn't a relationship, and thus there was no need for loyalty, though he was, admittedly, not through with the latter. It was silly to give up something when you still wanted it.
But what Goku didn't know wouldn't hurt him. Was that not the case?
"Get back on the road if you don't want to spend your night on it."
It was late evening, and Gojyo and Hakkai were at their wits' end. Not too long ago, they had gotten themselves disrobed and were just getting ready for another session of mutual gratification when Sanzo burst uninvited into their room and settled himself between them.
They had no issues with his unspoken request. In fact, they had grinned and made room for him.
What they did not expect was Sanzo's instinctive habit of swatting people who came too close away.
"Dammit, we won't get anywhere if you won't let us touch you!"
"Sanzo is inexperienced, Gojyo. Let's not rush him."
Inexperienced? Sanzo mentally huffed. He had Goku squirming beneath him most of the time. He pinned Gojyo with a forceful kiss. The latter didn't respond to it well, and shoved him off.
Sanzo frowned. That approach worked well with Goku.
"You're right, Hakkai. This guy is obscenely inexperienced." Gojyo smirked and advanced towards Sanzo. "What do you say we teach him a thing or two?"
Hakkai appeared behind Sanzo suddenly. "Agreed."
From there on, it was an all out attack. When he was pinned by Hakkai, Gojyo was there to nibble at his neck. The moment he threw Hakkai off, Gojyo caught him in a headlock and it was Hakkai's turn to have his way. This went on for some time until the two aggressors ceased their onslaught suddenly.
"My, Sanzo is quite hard to please, isn't he?"
"We've spent enough time on foreplay, monk. What's wrong with you?"
He knew trouble when it bit him. He had to get his act together, or he would be hearing no end of this from Gojyo. Now, if only there was some way he could get himself aroused…
His mind conjured an image of Goku screaming out underneath him.
"Sanzo!"
Sanzo jerked up and instantly felt himself getting hard. Gojyo and Hakkai looked astonished at this sudden improvement.
Encouraged by his success, Sanzo allowed his mind to linger on thoughts of Goku.
"Sanzo!"
The results were even better this time, but the blonde was, unfortunately, too engrossed in his Goku-based fantasy to catch himself in time. His next sentence ruined everything.
"Stop shouting already, idiot, I'm getting to it."
Hakkai looked at Gojyo. Gojyo looked at Hakkai.
Before Sanzo could prepare for what he knew was going to happen, he was rudely ejected from the bed by a joint kick from the two.
Sanzo steadied his spinning head and straightened up to pick up his clothes and his fallen pride. He silently turned his back to the two on the bed and dressed himself. Itch or not, he was not going to beg. He left the room.
There was no way he was going to try visiting a filthy prostitute. He was going to have to wait for Goku to come back then…
"Sanzo!"
Great, I'm hallucinating, thought Sanzo, I wonder if this imaginary Goku can be touched…
They toppled to the floor together after Goku crowed a triumphant "Finally found you!" and flung himself on him.
We must confirm this with the Fan test, Sanzo's logic declared.
"Ow! Sanzo! I'm back! Can't you even spare me this once?"
"Why are you back at this time?"
"It's half an hour past the third evening, Sanzo. They were only supposed to keep me there for exactly three days and three nights."
"Goku!"
Hakkai and Gojyo sprang out from their room.
"Gojyo! Hakkai!"
Goku rushed towards them. Sanzo caught his collar and dragged him to his room.
Gojyo and Hakkai stared after them in disbelief.
"The monkey comes back after being imprisoned and the monk jumps him first thing after his return?"
"Well… Goku's not complaining."
"I've really missed you." Goku murmured as he snuggled against Sanzo.
"Don't be an idiot. It was only three days."
"You didn't spend your three days in a cave. I miss my meat buns."
"What, they didn't feed you?"
"No, they sealed off my appetite again. But all in all, it wasn't all that bad this time. It wasn't that cold, for one. They didn't chain me too. And at least I had company. Golden Boy and Jade Girl were guarding me, so I wasn't all that lonely. Jade Girl is very sweet, very eager to please. Golden Boy was a bit of a prick at first, but he opened up quickly, so we all got along. Cute couple."
"Why didn't they chain you?"
"It was only temporary and there were already guards, so they decided that chaining was unnecessary. Besides, I was good."
"So, even the gods think your appetite is more fearsome than your strength."
Goku scowled and retorted, "Did I forget to mention that they've recently installed a new timer to make Mount Gogyo idiot proof?"
"Humph." Sanzo rolled to his side.
"Sanzo…"
Sanzo heaved a deliberate sigh but turned anyway. Goku beamed.
"You know, one time, when I was thinking about you, I thought of a new trick. Can I try it?"
Sanzo's eyes widened – a little – when he saw an oversized paper fan in Goku's hand.
"What do you think you're doing with my fan?"
"I've just thought of another use for this."
"What happened to the one I gave you?"
"It got wet and fell to bits. Can I try it now?"
"How did you entertain thoughts like that with people watching you?"
"Oh, that. Those two are lousy guards, really. Total amateurs. Almost anybody can bang them good. Can I-"
"Then why didn't you just escape?"
Goku paused and frowned, "Didn't occur me to me at all."
"Idiot."
"Whatever. I promise I won't disappoint."
"What makes you so sure?"
Goku flushed, "Stop talking and let me get to work already!"
"… You're troublesome. This had better be good."
"Never thought the monk could scream this loud." Muttered Gojyo.
"He must really miss Goku." Agreed Hakkai.
"He's lucky. If we kicked him out a second sooner…"
"It's a good thing we both heard Goku. But it's quite interesting to see that even the mere sound of Goku's voice is enough to stimulate him. Only Goku can affect him like this."
"But it's pathetic, the way he can't lay anyone else."
Hakkai smiled, "Isn't it great? This way, he'll never betray or abandon Goku. We both know how loyal Goku is to him."
"If there's nothing more, you two may be dismissed."
"Thank you, Your Majesty."
The two teenagers left the hall and hurried towards an empty pavilion. Jade Girl turned to Golden Boy.
"What was it you wanted to show me?"
"This." He pulled out a postcard.
Jade Girl squealed, "Just like he promised! Where's he now? What does it say?"
"He burned this at a temple in Shinano City. It's been raining rain non-stop since they got there, and the roads are badly flooded, so the group will be stuck there for a few days. He's staying at this inn called Elysian Fields. He also says that we won't have to worry about the monk. He's being all crabby because of the rain, so everyone's getting separate rooms."
"I can't wait to see him again." Smiled Jade Girl dreamily.
"I'm supposed to be your partner, in case you've forgotten."
"What, are you jealous? Come off it, who was the one who shamelessly clung to Goku's waist when he had to leave?"
Golden Boy couldn't keep the goofy grin off his face, "The paper fan trick was cool. He's a genius."
"He's such a man…"
"You said it."
Fin
Chinese in worship generally burn their incense and offerings (like paper money) in the hopes of getting them through to a deceased loved one or a deity (like Golden Boy and Jade Girl, who are really supposed to be a boy-girl pair, though I've twisted their original purpose and their age). I borrowed this idea for the postcard.
The Chinese also believe that the time length on Heaven and Earth are vastly different.
And uh, sorry if the supposed sex scene wasn't up to scratch. I confess. I'm just not good at it.