Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII. I also don't own the song "Sympathy." "Sympathy" is owned by the wonderful, fantastic, AMAZING Goo Goo Dolls, who provide me with most of my inspiration
Author's Note: I was listening to the song "Sympathy" by the Goo Goo Dolls the other day, and I was really inspired to write a Squall/Rinoa piece to it. I'm not exactly sure if I like how it turned out, but with how angsty To Love You More is turning out, I thought I would go for something lighter. Looking back on this, though, it isn't exactly "light." However, if you read it through, I think you'll see what I mean. Please tell me what you think!
Sympathy
The room was desolate and barren. White washed walls stared blankly at what had once been a place full of color and life. The desk was empty, both inside and out. Gone were the pens and pencils that had once littered its surface. No more were the notebooks, papers, and other scattered items that the occupant had once deemed necessary. The bureau mirrored the emptiness of the desk. The makeup; tubes of lipstick, containers of eye shadow, and sticks of mascara, had all vanished. The bed, like the rest of the room, lacked life. What would have once been considered a cozy spot was now a sagging heap. The baby blue sheets once occupying the space had been replaced with a dull gray. It was a sorry sight to behold.
Squall Leonhart looked upon the scene, his face expressionless. No one had known that room better than he. Sure, there had been other visitors, mostly Selphie and Quistis, but even they hadn't occupied the room as often. He had been there through the best of times and through the worst of times. At first, spending the night was a comfort, but later, it became a necessity. Room seven-twenty…he knew it by heart. Every crack and crevice, every speck of dust. He knew it, because it was a part of her. Rinoa Heartilly, the girl who had stolen his heart.
Stranger than your sympathy
This is my apology
I'm killing myself from the inside out
All my fears have pushed you out
He had blown it…again. It seemed like he ruined everything that he touched. Rinoa was the best thing to ever happen to him, and now she was gone. It was ironic, how the empty room mirrored his empty heart. Perhaps it was not only the material objects that caused the room to look lifeless, but the lack of cheer filling it up. Rinoa had been responsible for that. She had such a light about her…she could fill any place, or anyone, up with it. In the end, it hadn't been enough.
Their relationship had been a lie from the start. From the outside looking in, they were the perfect couple. People would say that a lot. Bets had even been made as to how long it would be before they were married. Despite what the public saw, Squall knew the truth. It was simple, really; he was a coward. It was funny how he could take on Ultimecia without batting an eye, but couldn't bring himself to say those three little words to his girlfriend. He had driven her away in the end, with his lack of affection and feelings. It wasn't anyone's fault but his own, and he knew it. God, how he knew it. His actions haunted him every day.
I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
All I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees
He hid and he hid and he hid. Withdrawing during battle wasn't an option, but when it came to real life, withdraw was the only word he knew. Getting too close to someone just wasn't an option. It had always been that way. Again, it was his fault; he held himself responsible. He had let himself get far too close to Rinoa Heartilly. Too close for both of their good. Now, she was gone, unheard from for months. And him? He was alone and miserable. Why? Wouldn't it be easier to just give in to the feelings he possessed? No. That would be showing weakness. For her sake, he refused to do that. His misery was of his own doing. If Rinoa was miserable, he was sorry, but he knew she would be a hell of a lot more miserable with him than without. Things were just safer this way.
Oh yeah, everything's all wrong, yeah
Everything's all wrong, yeah
Where the hell did I think I was
Despite this reasoning, he had made the call. His talk with Rinoa had been simple. To meet him there, in her old room, had been his request. "Room seven-twenty," she had replied, a slight question to her voice. Squall had confirmed it. They had left things like that, with no definite time or reassurances. He had asked himself a thousand times why he had made that call. A thousand different reasons were still resounding in his head.
Getting close to her was dangerous. He knew that. What they had…it was so uncertain. In the end, getting hurt was inevitable. Why not lessen the blow by ending things before they got serious? However, he and Rinoa were miles past serious. He had fallen for her…hard. Everything about her simply intrigued him. It scared him, how he could get lost in her arms forever. The feeling that he had was uncontrollable…overpowering. That didn't suit Squall at all. "Fate" and "destiny" were not a part of his vocabulary.
Stranger than your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt
After she had left, Squall had been a wreck. In all honesty, a part of him must have seen it coming, but that thought had been pushed into the farthest recesses of his mind. He had turned to drinking; alcohol became his only companion. The world was even darker than before, and when he drank, he could forgot about all that for awhile. Vodka was his drink of choice, enjoying the numbness that washed over him every time he drank it. He could escape his feelings towards the smiling enchantress; he could escape her face. Sometimes, on a particularly bad day, he couldn't even escape that.
He often wondered, usually during one of his drunken stupors, if he had ever done right by her. She had assured him, on multiple occasions, that she was happy. Happier than she had ever been. But had she really been? Squall knew how he felt, but that most certainly didn't speak for her. It was these doubts, late at night and alone, that were slowly driving him insane. He wondered if he had ever really been "sane" at all.
It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
You can't see when all your dreams are coming true
Squall sighed, taking a seat on the vacant bed. A faint smile graced his lips as he remembered all that had taken place there. Midnight talks, the comfort of her touch, declarations of love…. He had never realized how much he needed those moments, needed her, until she had gone. Rinoa had every right to leave, he knew that. Hell, he would have left himself if put in the same position. What it all came down to was that he was a sad excuse for a human being. He hated himself, hated the man he had become. So much time had been spent on doing what was right for the world, that he had neglected doing what was right for himself. In his mind, being with Rinoa was the only place he wanted to be. It amazed him that he had even held out so long without her.
He had so many regrets over the past. If there was one thing Ellone had taught him, it was don't screw around. You can't change the past, so you sure as hell better make the present worthwhile. If you didn't, before you knew it, you'd be alone and miserable, just like he was now. It was amazing to think that a woman, one woman, could hold so much power over him. Yet, she was everything. He would give his life for her, gladly, he knew. A world without Rinoa Heartilly was one he did not want to be a part of. He knew now, that was why he had called her. He couldn't believe that it had taken him so long to figure that out.
Oh yeah, it's easy to forget, yeah
You choke on the regrets, yeah
Who the hell did I think I was
A shadow fell across the doorway, causing Squall to look up abruptly. His breath caught in his throat as he saw her. She looked more tired than he remembered, fragile, even. She had always looked so put together, but now, she just looked empty. Her black skirt hung limply at her sides, and her blue shirt was wrinkled. The worst part, though, was the look in her eyes. The look of someone who was broken.
Squall stood up, using all of his power to stop himself from reaching out to her. "Rinoa," he said quietly, "Have a seat." He mentally winced as he realized how stupid that sounded. It had been her room, after all.
Rinoa chose to seat herself at the lone desk chair, choosing to situate herself away from Squall. When she spoke, her voice was hoarse. It was as if she had been crying since the moment she had walked out the door. "Why did you call me here?"
Squall released the breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding. "I need to talk to you," he said simply.
Her eyes suddenly blazed with anger. "After all these months, you need to talk to me? After every damn minute I've spent hoping to hear from you, you call now?" She took a deep breath, steadying herself. "I grieved for you." Her voice was chilling. "I grieved for you as if you had died! In a way, you had. You were dead to me, Squall, and I was dead inside because of it. If you had shown one sign, one, that you didn't want me to leave, then I would have turned around and come right back. But…you didn't. And now you call me, saying we need to talk."
Stranger than your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole from me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong
"I never wanted you to leave," he said. His voice was filled with all the pent up emotion from the past months. "I…thought it was what you wanted. It was your choice to leave, Rinoa, not mine."
Rinoa stared at him incredulously. "Don't even tell me that it was my choice. What other choice did I have? I couldn't even reach you anymore! I never saw you…. What kind of life was that?"
Squall sighed. "I don't blame you for leaving, Rinoa, and I can't fault you for it. Like you said, you had every reason to go." He ran a hand through his hair nervously. "But you came today, and that counts for something. I know you, Rinoa. You wouldn't waste your time here if you didn't want to see me."
She snorted. "That's a bit of an egocentric statement, don't you think?"
He held up a hand to silence her. "Just…hear me out. I need you to understand what it's been like since you left. I don't sleep. I bury myself in paperwork so that I don't have to face the world. I drink…constantly, to the point where I don't even remember what day of the week it is." He stood up and began to pace back and forth. "I'm miserable and pathetic, and every single day I wake up, I ask myself why the hell I let you go. I should have run out the door the second you did, but I was a fool. I made a promise to you and a promise to myself, and I broke both of those. Rinoa…I just need to tell you how truly sorry I am. I've come to the realization that…I just can't live without you."
And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel
Before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me
"Squall," she said softly, "I never wanted to leave. I just…I had to. You were never around…. I didn't want you to feel burdened by me…grow to hate me."
Squall knelt down beside her, gently taking her hands in his. "Rinoa, no, never. My fears are what pushed you away. I was scared, Rinoa, scared of it all. Pushing you away just seemed the easiest way to go about things. I was a fool, a damn fool, for thinking that way. I won't blame you if you don't want to have anything to do with me. Just know that…I love you, Rinoa. I always will."
"Squall, I never stopped loving you." Her eyes were shining now. "I missed you so much. I missed everything…even those damn hotdogs at the cafeteria." She smiled softly. "I don't want to leave you again."
"Then don't." He drew her toward him.
"Never," she whispered. "Never again."
Yeah, stranger than your sympathy
Stranger than your sympathy