Author's Notes: I don't own NGE or any of its characters, and this is just an interpretation of how I think Misato must have felt after seeing her father die and live through the Second Impact. I am basing some of the description in this piece off of a flashback in the series that showed what happened during Second Impact.
This is told in 1st person as Misato speaking to Shinji. I hope to write more Eva fics in the future.
AA
Namida
"Tears"
I never thought I would cry for my father, but I never thought I would be here, telling all this to you.
The last time I saw him is burned into my memory forever. I had just been waiting, waiting for him to come back out from the base. I loved watching the southern lights and marveled at their beauty as they played above my head. I looked out at the Arctic landscape; but I could never guess that I would be the last human to see such a sight again.
That's when I saw it. A giant of light that reared before me and rose into the sky. I was petrified by the sight; the pure intensity of the light burned itself into the back of my eyes. I couldn't look away. Then the first explosion came.
I was knocked back forcefully; I barely even had time to scream. I fell behind the barrel I had been sitting on, and luckily it sheltered me from the blast. My father found me there, but I was unaware of his presence. I must have been knocked unconscious when I fell.
I can remember being carried, my father holding my limp body. I was placed in one of the pods in the launch bay. I felt something hit me cheek and looked up at my father for the last time.
It was a sight more horrible than I can describe. It reminded me of the Hiroshima pictures I had seen at school. But still, it was my father.
"Is that you Dad?"
My final words to him before he shut the pod, leaving me forever. I wish now I had said something more meaningful like, "I love you". I wish I had done so much differently, I wish I could have died there, with him. If I had, I would have spared myself so much pain and spared the people around me. I won't lie, after I was found I considered it. I considered it every day and in every waking hour.
After my pod had shut I remember the second explosion. I covered my ears and screamed, partly to try and drown out the horrible sound that filled every fiber of my being. A horrible scream, piercing my soul and seeming to tear me apart. I can still hear it now, if I close my eyes long enough. After an eternity it died down. I opened my eyes and was aware my pod was being rocked. I opened it and stared at the empty ocean before me, my hand on the wound on my side.
The legs of the giant stood in front of me, as debris splashed into the water around me. The continent of ice I had stood on moments before had simply vanished. My father, and everyone else at the base was dead. I never even thought for a moment that any of them had survived.
I was found after several days. A ship pulled near me and I heard shouts as I was stared at in my pod, my arms wrapped around my knees. I was unable to speak. The scream still echoed in my head as I was pulled aboard. I heard shouts of surprise as they saw the nametag on my ruined parka. One word seemed to float about as they treated me for my wound.
Survivor. The only survivor.
For the next several years I said not a word. No one could make me talk. I was put in quarantine and isolated, brooding in my own private hell. All this time I never cried, not for my father, not for the others, not even for my own miserable self.
I couldn't stay mute forever. I sat in my hell, and one day I couldn't keep silent any longer.
A single tear rolled down my cheek one day. I stared as it dropped from my cheek and landed on my knee. I blinked at it and felt more coming. I was unable to hold it back any longer.
I cried. For my father, for the others, and for me. A doctor came in running. He must have been surprised to see my do anything besides sit and stare at the wall. I clutched his coat and just cried. All the pain I had felt manifested itself as I felt the hot tears flowing down my cheeks. I then took all my memories of Second Impact and condensed them within me, out of sight and out of mind.
They have been there for over 15 years, a tiny pinprick that only bothers me now and then. But once again I have learned the hard way about keeping silent. That's why, Shinji, I am telling this to you. I know I cannot live in the past, but I also know I cannot move forward until I can face it.
Thank you for listening, and please, when they have to come, let your tears come.
Fin