The thoughts, the knowledge, all of it seemed to have passed.  It hurt to die, something unknowable to the living.  It wasn't easy at all.  The whole time there was nothing that he wanted more than to live on for another day, to hold on to his murderer as the black cloth was placed over his head to hide his forlorn expression.  He wondered if Muraki would be caught, that beloved doctor of his, but in the end, he hadn't the time to know.

He had become a shinigami like the rest of them.  The first person he'd met was Hisoka, whom stared into his eyes with a level of surprise that Hijiri had never known could appear on that other's face.  He knew it had been on his before, but then, he was also a little bit more broken than he had been before, so maybe that look wouldn't form on his face anymore.  Simply, he didn't know.  With that, he felt elated.  Life wasn't so simply cut, as it had been when he was in school.  There weren't the rich students and the poor, and he didn't fight for those that lived through him anymore or against those that hated him for fighting.

"Why?" was all Hisoka had asked him.

Hijiri just smiled like he used to, holding the violin he'd somehow possessed tightly to his chest.  He also laughed, or at least it seemed like he did.  No response came at first, for he wasn't sure if the truth or a lie would be better.  He didn't know much about that boy that shared his face, but even so…he was curious.

"The reason…isn't something that can be shared so easily, I don't think.  No…that's not right.  The reason is…the person I love killed me…and…that person told me to meet with them again so that again I could die…  I want to know why, and so…I'm here.  Is it strange?"

"It's masochistic, but not so strange," the other boy replied, careful not to touch Hijiri when he saw the way the boy smiled.  He didn't want those feelings coursing through him.

That was fine with him, but he still wished he knew what type of person he was.  He didn't even know if he was a happy or lonely person anymore, but he was well aware of his betrayal.  He knew, at least, that if nothing else, he had been at fault for convincing himself of something such as requited love with a man such as that.  Why would it have ever been true?  It didn't add up…at any level.

He felt like he was falling, and along the way he heard the cracking sound of wood shattering against the ground.  Everything went dark again.

"Hijiri?" a voice called him.

The first thing he noticed was the cold, metal feeling against his back.  Then the blinding lights came next, erasing his every thought.  Where he was didn't really matter to him, he just wanted to see again.  He'd gone through so much to see.  He died to see.  He was a little afraid to do it again.

Vision clearing, the violinist could make out two figures.  After a moment more, he knew it was Watari and Hisoka.  The former placed a cool washcloth on his forehead, brushing through his messy hair as he went along, smiling warmly at him.  He knew that smile had appeared on another face before, and he was starting to realize that the reason for it had been something he hadn't expected.  It was the look of someone gaining a new test subject, and that scared him into pulling away.

"Thank you, Watari," he told the other, that smile on his lips as he forced himself to stand, only to stumble forward and land on his knees.  His arms wrapped around his chest, tears falling from his eyes, and all he could do was stare idly at the doctor and the boy.  He hadn't meant to do that.

"Hijiri…  Hisoka, please get him.  He doesn't seem to be comfortable with me," he said calmly, adjusting his glasses as 03 landed on his shoulder.

Hesitant at first, Hisoka gradually moved to kneel down beside Hijiri.  He didn't want to, not while the other was crying like tomorrow would come and ruin him.  He was too scared that he'd cry too, and so…so he didn't want to no matter what it took to resist.  Even so, when he watched the way Hijiri's lips trembled as though he had no recollection of where he was, Hisoka gave in, wrapping his arm around Hijiri's shoulder and feeling similar tears sting his eyes.

Choking on the tears, all Hisoka could manage to say was, "Watari, make him stop…"

When Hijiri leaned against him, held him, cried against him, Hisoka was left in a state of complete confusion, lost and sickened by the other's simple motions of reliance.  It was probably because they had the same eyes that Hijiri so easily relaxed against Hisoka like that.  Or at least, it was something like that, anyway.

"Hijiri…stop it…please…" Hisoka requested again, though this time his voice was weaker, his arms trembling as he leaned in closely to the other with tears staining his face.  "Stop it…"

He rested his head against Hijiri's shoulder, mocking the other's actions as he held him just as tightly, shivered just as much.  Times like that, Hisoka wished he'd never had such empathy.  Times like that, he wondered how a previously content and mild-mannered boy could cry as though his soul was being ripped out of him, shredded into pieces.

"I…can't stop…" was all he managed to say, but Hisoka had already understood that.  "Sorry…"

They stayed like that, crying with Watari watching over them with an aged expression on his face until he finally knelt down beside both boys, pulling his arms around them whether or not it was what they wanted.  He rested his head on the tops of theirs, and they rested their heads on their counterparts' shoulder, sitting silently in contentment as their bodies shivered.

"It…wasn't your time to die again, was it, Hijiri?" Watari asked softly in the boys' ears, not caring which one answered or if they'd answer.

Neither answered anything other than their faint sobs.

Karo Notes:

It's the funniest thing in the world…  Suddenly when my IB computer sciences exam comes up, I feel like writing a fan fic (which I'm banned from doing by many sources x.x)  Haha, don't tell anyone ;  Wish me luck on my exams x.x;

Silverone – Aww, need the Muraki x Hijiri to get to the HiHi 3  I like Hisoka and Hijiri a lot ..; I'll probably mess up their characters so much that it might as well be OOC in the end though XD  I haven't watched or read yami matsu stuff for about…hmm…when did volume 11 come out?  A year ago? X.x;  A long time, anyway XD