I want to thank everyone who has been following my Forward Motion with this
fic. You can never know what kind of impact you make on someone's life, so
I would like to encourage you to all branch out the message of Christ to
your friends, family, and peers. God isn't some fuddy-duddy sitting up in
heaven, he isn't silent, and he isn't uncaring. He's real, alive, and more
than ready to have a relationship with us, his children.
This is a song fic chapter, so I hope you like it.
~~~~~~~~~
Watashi-no Youkai
Sometimes, it's embarrassing, to talk to you. To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through this version of myself I try to hide behind. . .
After a year or two of the image inducer, facing the kids at school was hard. He'd been without it for many weeks now, but even so, Kurt knew that people still feared, still resented and still hated him for his appearance.
Still, there was no way Kurt could return to wearing a mask. His mask had been physical as well as mental. He'd denied who he was for so long that it was impossible to bear anymore. Mutant, Christian, geek, whatever and whoever he was, he knew that his only option was to be that person and stand up for himself.
"We all wear masks," he mused to himself. It was true. Whether it was Rogue, who put up her tough-girl attitude to hide the hurt, scared, and longing little girl inside; Scott, whose macho attitude was only a guise to cover up his fears and tears; or even Logan, who, under the growling and tough talk, was really just trying to be liked and be a father figure to the several kids at the Institute.
I'll bury my face, because my disgrace will leave me terrified. . .
Being himself was scary. There was no end of rude comments, threats and just annoying questions that pestered Kurt every day. He wanted to run back to the inducer, turn it on, and pretend that he'd always been normal.
But it was too late.
And sometimes, I'm so thankful for your loyalty. Your love regardless of the mistakes I make will spoil me. . .
Even with all the torment and confusion, God had always been there. He never went away, even when Kurt would yell at him and ask him why certain things had happened. God was there when Kurt failed his Chemistry tests, God was there when Kurt had yelled expletives at Duncan, God was there when Mystique had used him and Rogue, and God was there when he didn't have any problems at all.
He almost took God for granted.
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me. And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need. . .
Kurt never felt confident in who he was, yet somehow he found enough courage to go to school as he was.
God was always beside him.
You looked into my life and never stopped, and you're thinking all my thoughts are so simple, but so beautiful. And you recite my words right back to me, before I even speak. You let me know I am understood.
Even when Scott or the Professor failed to explain life and angst to him, even when Rogue couldn't be there to support him, God understood. God understood his thoughts, his feelings, his hurts and joys.
He never prayed aloud to God. God knew what his voice sounded like, and his thoughts came more freely in his native German. God knew what he was thinking, and God understood the anguish in his life.
God had been an outcast once, too.
And sometimes, I'll spend my time just trying to escape. I work so hard, so desperately in an attempt to create space. 'Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know. I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go. . .
Even when God was there, Kurt resented him. If God was so understanding, then why had he been cursed with his appearance? Why was he the one with a tail and pointy ears? Why was he the only one brave enough to stand up and stand out?
He tried to run. He buried himself in TV, in the internet, in writing, in studying, in friends, in doodling, in anything he could do to keep himself from God. He didn't want to be loved all the time.
He never felt worthy. Why would God want to love someone like him? There were plenty of things in his life that he was not proud of. There had been words he said, things he'd done, that he felt God could never forgive.
Yet it said right there in the Bible, "ask and you shall receive." Since he was old enough to pray, Kurt had been asking for a different appearance.
But it was like asking for the moon. There was nothing he could do to get away from God. You're the only one who understands completely. You're the only one who knows me and still loves completely. . .
And sometimes the place I'm at, is at a loss for words. If I think of something worthy, I know that it's already heard. . . and through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again, you've just patiently waited to bring me back again. . .
Suddenly, God's overwhelming love took over Kurt. He gasped and fell on his face. God LOVED him, regardless. He couldn't do anything to make God not understand, to make God not love him.
God just waited for the right times to bring him back.
Kurt smiled. His God wasn't a god who judged people. His God loved people regardless of background, ability, strength, mentality, sins, and even appearance.
He was there always.
You looked into my life and never stopped, and you're thinking all my thoughts are so simple. . . but so beautiful. And you recite my words right back to me, before I even speak you let me know
I am understood
~~~~~~~~~~ So that turned out a lot longer than I wanted it to. But it needed to get written.
We are understood.
This is a song fic chapter, so I hope you like it.
~~~~~~~~~
Watashi-no Youkai
Sometimes, it's embarrassing, to talk to you. To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through this version of myself I try to hide behind. . .
After a year or two of the image inducer, facing the kids at school was hard. He'd been without it for many weeks now, but even so, Kurt knew that people still feared, still resented and still hated him for his appearance.
Still, there was no way Kurt could return to wearing a mask. His mask had been physical as well as mental. He'd denied who he was for so long that it was impossible to bear anymore. Mutant, Christian, geek, whatever and whoever he was, he knew that his only option was to be that person and stand up for himself.
"We all wear masks," he mused to himself. It was true. Whether it was Rogue, who put up her tough-girl attitude to hide the hurt, scared, and longing little girl inside; Scott, whose macho attitude was only a guise to cover up his fears and tears; or even Logan, who, under the growling and tough talk, was really just trying to be liked and be a father figure to the several kids at the Institute.
I'll bury my face, because my disgrace will leave me terrified. . .
Being himself was scary. There was no end of rude comments, threats and just annoying questions that pestered Kurt every day. He wanted to run back to the inducer, turn it on, and pretend that he'd always been normal.
But it was too late.
And sometimes, I'm so thankful for your loyalty. Your love regardless of the mistakes I make will spoil me. . .
Even with all the torment and confusion, God had always been there. He never went away, even when Kurt would yell at him and ask him why certain things had happened. God was there when Kurt failed his Chemistry tests, God was there when Kurt had yelled expletives at Duncan, God was there when Mystique had used him and Rogue, and God was there when he didn't have any problems at all.
He almost took God for granted.
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me. And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need. . .
Kurt never felt confident in who he was, yet somehow he found enough courage to go to school as he was.
God was always beside him.
You looked into my life and never stopped, and you're thinking all my thoughts are so simple, but so beautiful. And you recite my words right back to me, before I even speak. You let me know I am understood.
Even when Scott or the Professor failed to explain life and angst to him, even when Rogue couldn't be there to support him, God understood. God understood his thoughts, his feelings, his hurts and joys.
He never prayed aloud to God. God knew what his voice sounded like, and his thoughts came more freely in his native German. God knew what he was thinking, and God understood the anguish in his life.
God had been an outcast once, too.
And sometimes, I'll spend my time just trying to escape. I work so hard, so desperately in an attempt to create space. 'Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know. I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go. . .
Even when God was there, Kurt resented him. If God was so understanding, then why had he been cursed with his appearance? Why was he the one with a tail and pointy ears? Why was he the only one brave enough to stand up and stand out?
He tried to run. He buried himself in TV, in the internet, in writing, in studying, in friends, in doodling, in anything he could do to keep himself from God. He didn't want to be loved all the time.
He never felt worthy. Why would God want to love someone like him? There were plenty of things in his life that he was not proud of. There had been words he said, things he'd done, that he felt God could never forgive.
Yet it said right there in the Bible, "ask and you shall receive." Since he was old enough to pray, Kurt had been asking for a different appearance.
But it was like asking for the moon. There was nothing he could do to get away from God. You're the only one who understands completely. You're the only one who knows me and still loves completely. . .
And sometimes the place I'm at, is at a loss for words. If I think of something worthy, I know that it's already heard. . . and through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again, you've just patiently waited to bring me back again. . .
Suddenly, God's overwhelming love took over Kurt. He gasped and fell on his face. God LOVED him, regardless. He couldn't do anything to make God not understand, to make God not love him.
God just waited for the right times to bring him back.
Kurt smiled. His God wasn't a god who judged people. His God loved people regardless of background, ability, strength, mentality, sins, and even appearance.
He was there always.
You looked into my life and never stopped, and you're thinking all my thoughts are so simple. . . but so beautiful. And you recite my words right back to me, before I even speak you let me know
I am understood
~~~~~~~~~~ So that turned out a lot longer than I wanted it to. But it needed to get written.
We are understood.