Underneath it All

A/N : As usual, 5 reviews, and I'll update. =) Unless I'm not done the chapter, but I think I'm pretty good at updating after 5 reviews. =) And, I know I didn't get 5 reviews for Chapter 5, but, I had 25 reviews, and, logically, that would calculate to 5 reviews per chapter. =)

DISCLAIMER : All characters and places are brought to you by JK Rowling - not me.

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Amandaliinii - Thank you, that's exactly what I was trying to show in that chapter. In Hermione's journal entries, I try not to make them trivial and just saying 'Today I… Blah, blah, blah.' I picture Hermione as the type to say everything in her diary. And I try to connect it to something that happened to it's not off topic and completely random like, "I played Quidditch and I'm obsessed with eyes…"




Now we begin...

September 16th,

So, it's back to classes again… We're back to a regular schedule.

Harry decided to hold a DA meeting after dinner tonight. Even though we're allowed to hold DA meetings now, I suppose we're just so used to hiding it, that we'll just keep going how we started. We informed everyone with the Galleon method – everyone came, so, that means they kept the Galleon. And everyone arrived secretly as well.

I for one, find that it's much more interesting to keep going. Not only is it good practice, but, I must admit, it IS quite fun to be sneaking around… If Ron or Harry found out I thought that though, then I would never hear the end of it! They think I'm the bookworm that doesn't break the rules… But, I can't help it… I find it exhilarating.

If only they knew some of the things that I've done… After Harry got the Marauder's Map, and figured out how to get into Hogsmeade, I've gone every time I've needed to be alone… I just go through the Secret Passage with some homework, and go to the Three Broomsticks to have some butterbeer while doing homework. I tell everyone that I'll be in the Library and not to disturbed me – it always works.

And going there really helps me. I mean, being surrounded by my friends is lovely and all, but, it's just that sometimes, when I feel unwanted, or I just need to get away from it all – it's nice to have the option. It's been going on since 3rd year, and no one has noticed yet – it makes me wonder whether or not they really care…

Anyways. We didn't do anything new in DA this time. After all, it was our first meeting of the year, and we just needed to get back into the swing of things. We simply practiced in pairs; going over basic hexes and jinxes. No one really practiced; it's not much fun if you can do it with ease – everyone just chatted and socialized.

In the middle of the meeting, though, something happened that no one could have predicted… You see, the door opened, and someone entered the room unnoticed. It's quite odd, really; seeing as how me and Ginny were near the door, and noticed nothing.

You wouldn't believe who it was, though… It was Malfoy! The whole room just stopped to stare after they realized someone had come in – especially once they saw who it was! No one said a word, and everyone just looked at Malfoy suspiciously. He didn't seem to care though; just stood there, all calm and composed.

Finally, Harry asked him what he was doing here. And you know what he said?! He said he was wondering if there was a DA meeting, and if he could join! He didn't offer and explanation, just said that he wanted to join.

Harry didn't know what to do, so, he looked at me. Of course, he expected ME to know what to do – after all, I'm know-it-all Granger, I have the answers to everything. Honestly! I just nodded; if anything, I could tell him that he must have misinterpreted the nod for something else.


So, Harry let Malfoy stay – it's not like he could kick him out, and it's not like Malfoy would leave willingly. Harry tried to go back to teaching us, but, it wasn't really working out. Everyone kept whispering about Malfoy and what he was doing here. I'd like to know myself.

It would have been fine, if Ron hadn't come over to us and kept going on about what a git Malfoy was. He kept shooting him suspicious glances, and snorting in disgust at him. It was quite annoying actually – so I placed a 'Quietus' charm on him so I wouldn't have to listen to it. I don't think he realized that I had even placed it on him…

After the DA meeting ended, I was determined to get to the bottom of the whole Malfoy thing. So, I followed him out of the room and tried to get his attention. He kept walking and ignoring me. I ran after him, and finally caught up to him, and asked him. He stopped in his tracks, looked me in the eye, and told me that what he did was his business – then he walked away.

I just stood there – I didn't know what to do. By the time I regained myself, he was gone. I headed back to the Gryffindor Common Room – my head was filled with new questions, as well as the old ones. Malfoy's up to something, and I need to find out what it is before it's too late…

~*~

September 17th,

Well, today we had double Potions first thing in the morning, so, I figured that I would get a chance to ask Malfoy again. After all, he couldn't leave in the middle of class. Now, normally, being paired up with him would have been torture, but, this time, I was glad. It was the perfect opportunity to ask him!

We were finally going to brew the Memoria Potion this class. We were supposed to last time, but, Snape said we probably weren't ready, and made us read more on it, and copy down more notes. It was a wonderful review on the potion… Although, I would have liked to brew it last class.

Now, I knew that since I was with Malfoy we would do will. There's no denying that he's intelligent – especially in Potions. I'm sure he got an O in it as well. I was so worried that I would only get an E since I added and extra pinch of Shrivelfig to the Shrinking Potion…

I tried several times to ask Malfoy about the DA meeting from last night, but, he just kept ignoring me or telling me to get back to brewing the potion. Well, we were the first to finish brewing the Potion, so, I decided to ask him then. But he just told me what he had told me last night…

After everyone had finished, Snape decided that our partners would have to try ours. I felt so bad for Hannah Abott; she was paired with Neville and would have to drink his crackling, smoking murky brown potion. I've no idea how he managed to achieve that…

Now, the Memorium potion is supposed to make you remember something from your past. The more you drink, the further back you can remember. Malfoy took a spoonful of it, and then he tried to stifle a scream. Snape paled, and escorted him out, warning us to not do anything.

I wonder what Malfoy saw… And it seemed as if Snape knew what was going on… I really don't like being so clueless about things… If only I knew…

Snape came back with Malfoy who was back to his cold demeanor. Snape made me try the potion next. I took as much as Malfoy did, so that I would be able to pinpoint around how long ago Malfoy remembered whatever it was.

It was back in the end of Fifth Year – when we were in the Department of Mysteries. I saw Sirius falling. I remembered the look on his face – he was laughing, and then shocked as to what had just happened. I remembered the look on Harry's face – it was a mixture of sadness and anger. I remembered the look on Lupin's face – he paled and didn't know what to do. Suddenly, I snapped back to real life.

I had worked so hard to bury that night deep down in my mind. The looks on those three faces had haunted my dreams. Though I hadn't been that close to Sirius, he was very dear to Harry, and that was what affected me. And then Harry's face… I had tried to forget that face. It was then that he was no longer a child. He had dealt with loss before, but he had actually seen Sirius – his last shred of family left – fall at Voldemort's hands. After that, he had never been the same. And Lupin's face. That was the one and only time I had ever seen him looking helpless. I wanted to get on with my life – to forget those expressions. I had been doing so well…

I started to cry. I burst into tears and ran out of the dungeon. I just ran and ran and ran. And here I am in a cubicle in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. I know that I've no right to do this. Harry's been so strong, and he's dealt with much more than me. But I'm just not as brave as he is. I just can't hide certain emotions as well as he can.

I've no idea how long I've been sitting here, but I'm sure Snape will be angry with me… I'm bound to get detention and lose points from Gryffindor. It's only a matter of time before someone finds me…

-

Night

-

Well, I was found. Found by none other than Draco Malfoy. How he knew where I was, I will never knew. But what shocked me the most was that he had followed me. He was the only one that had bothered to come looking for me. Perhaps Snape had told him to, since he was finished already, but, I have this feeling…

He didn't say much, really. He just helped my up, and led me out of the bathroom. He started to take me somewhere, but, I didn't resist. I just didn't have it in me. I was sitting there, thinking about, well, everything. I was still thinking when he was leading me away from the bathroom. I didn't really register what had happened until we reached a room.

I've no idea what, or where the room was. But it was quite a lovely room. It looked like it belonged in the Queen's palace! The carpet was a rich deep green colour. The walls were stone like the rest of the castle, but, these ones were covered with paintings and a wall of books. There was a large arm chair made out of a velvet forest green. It was so soft that I didn't want to get off of it. In front of it, there was a warm fire crackling, and another chair similar to the first. The room itself was quite small, but it was so cozy and comfortable that it was just right.

Malfoy sat down in the chair opposite me, and watched the fire while I thought about what had happened. Finally, he spoke. He started to ask me what had made me run out of the dungeon in tears. I didn't know if I should tell him, but, something made me. I told him all about the memory that had just resurfaced, and how I felt. He didn't interrupt me at all, and looked at me, as if urging me to go on.

Once I had finished, he leaned back on his chair, and said that that was the night he had remembered as well. I asked him if he wanted to tell mea bout it, but he just shook his head, and kept watching the fire, thinking.

We sat there for quite some time, lost in our own thoughts. The room was silent, but it was a comfortable silence – I never though that could happen with me and Malfoy…

I asked him where I was, but, he either didn't hear me, or pretended not to. After a while, he seemed to snap back into reality. He asked me if I was OK, and whether or not I was hungry. Truth be told, I was quite hungry, but, I was a tad uneasy about accepting food from him. After all, he could have easily poisoned it.

I was too hungry to reject his offer, and he left the room for a bit. I was thinking again about the whole night at the Department of Mysteries when I saw his shadow above me. He handed me a plate of food, and then took his own back to his chair.

After we finished eating, we started to talk. I don't know how, or why, but we just talked. It wasn't small talk, it was a real conversation. I told him about that entire night in the Department of Mysteries, while he sat there. He looked quite sad, and he said that he couldn't believe what he had done. I was quite shocked with what he had said, but, I chose not to say anything about it.

We talked about our families, classes, feelings, futures… Everything that we felt at the moment. It was such a lovely conversation, and it was going so well. I really was quite surprised about it. I honestly never though that I could have a civilized, let alone deep, conversation with Malfoy – but here I was, telling him things that I wouldn't dare speak aloud to anyone else.

I don't know what made me trust him, but, it felt like something was telling me that it was OK to tell him. And the fact that he seemed to truly care made me want to tell him everything. He didn't do much talking – just listening. I asked him about his memory, but he said that he wasn't ready to tell anyone.

It was a pity that the conversation had to end… We must have talked for hours because by the time we left the room, the castle was quite dark and empty. He walked be to the Great Hall, and then turned to leave.

I knew that I couldn't just end the night like that. After everything that we had talked about, it didn't seem appropriate to just cut it off like that. So, I ran after him. Unlike the last time, he didn't keep going, but he stopped and turned around to see what I wanted.

I wasn't sure whether or not I was doing the right thing at the time, but now I know that I did. It may not sound like much, but, it meant so much to me, and I'm sure it did to him. I said, and I quote, "Thank you, it really meant a lot to me, Draco. Good night." I could tell he was shocked at my words, but he didn't say anything for a while. I was so nervous, and I didn't know what to do. Finally, he said, and I quote, "No, thank you, Hermione."

And I knew; I knew that our petty rivalry was over. We were no longer enemies. Don't ask me how I knew, or why it was like that. But that was how it was – and I was glad.

~*~


September 18th,

Honestly, Ron and Harry can get quite irritating! I got back to the Common Room very late – everyone was asleep once I got there. So, I just went right to sleep.

Well, in the morning, Ron and Harry came up to me in the Common Room while I was reading over my Herbology essay before going down for breakfast. They just came up to me, and demanded to know what had happened. Well, Ron did. Harry just sort of stood there, not knowing what to do with himself.

I simply told them that what I did was my business. I couldn't believe I had said that… Draco had said that to ME, and here I was, saying it to my two best friends.

Ron only got madder. He yelled at me to tell him what had happened, and where I had been the whole day after my outburst in the dungeon.

What business did he have demanding to know that?!! Honestly!! I just glared at him, grabbed my bag, and stormed out the Portrait Hall to go for breakfast. Ron yelled at me to go back and tell him, but I just went faster.

I can't believe he dared do that to me!! He had no right whatsoever to yell at me to tell him what I had done!! It was my business what I did, and who I told!

Ron kept trying to approach me all day in between classes, but, I managed to steer clear of him. I was in no mood to talk to him today. I knew that if he said one word to me, I wouldn't be able to control myself. He thought that he had seen an outburst in Potions, but, that was nothing compared to what I would have done…

After classes I headed right for the Library. But that was too predictable. If I went there, then he would most definitely find me, and yell at me. So, I went to Hogsmeade. I had my bag with me, and I always carried some spare change with me just in case – so I went to Hogsmeade.

I must say, it really did clear my head. I had a butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks and finished up my homework there; I didn't have very much – only a few translations for Runes and some problems for Arithmancy. I knew that I couldn't go back to Hogwarts yet, so, I decided to walk around Hogsmeade to see to get some fresh air and clear my head.

I walked around Hogsmeade for several hours. I went into a small restaurant to have a bite to eat for dinner. I didn't eat much, and right after, I decided that it was time to head back to Hogwarts. After all, I couldn't disappear for too long or else people would notice.

I got back and went right to the Library and set out some books. That way, if anyone came in, I could say that I had been in there the whole time. I was trying to write an essay for Potions about the experience of the Memorium potion, but, I just couldn't concentrate.

Though the walk in Hogsmeade gave me a lot of time to think, it didn't really solve any of my questions. I packed up quite soon, and decided to turn in early. In the Common Room, everyone was off doing there own thing – it was like I was invisible. No one had noticed my absence, or my return…

~*~

September 19th,

What a lovely birthday this was! I finally turned 16 today – everyone calls it the Sweet Sixteen; it's supposed to be one of the best years of your life. Well, it's off to a bad start.

Ron was still ignoring me. He kept shooting me dirty looks over meals. What good is a birthday if one of your best friends is mad at you?!

Harry was neutral. We wished me a happy birthday and handed me a gift, but he spent the rest of the day with Ron. I didn't even bother to open the gift – I just thanked him and put it in my bag after he left.

Ginny wished me a happy birthday also, and promised to spend the evening with me… She ended up spending it doing homework she had forgotten about – at least she apologized and promised to make it up to me another time.

Lavender and Parvati handed me a gift as well; it was from the two of them – it was a book. More proof of what everyone though of me. I'm not just a bookworm! There's more to me than that…

I just wish everyone would realize that! Just because I love to read, and I want to do well in school, doesn't mean that that's all I am or can be. It's like I'm expected to do that, and nothing more. Now, I don't want to be some rebellious teen that never does her schoolwork and smokes or drinks. But, I would like to be seen for what I really am…

Over the summer, when I was at home, I spend a lot of the time with my old friends. They think I'm at a Boarding School since muggles aren't allowed to know that magic exists. I had such a fun time then! We did all sorts of interesting things… And they didn't see me as some boring know-it-all. They saw me as this adventurous girl that loved to have fun and live life – and that's who I am! I may love books, but that doesn't mean I can't be more!

We did all sorts of things that girls do – shopping, partying, gossiping… And then we did amazing things as well. We took a week trip to Cumbria, and climbed Scafell Peak. It was such an adventure!

Sure I read over the summer break, but, I still had time to have fun. And it seems like I can't do that at Hogwarts. No one will let me… It's like they're forcing me to stay a bookworm. They ask me if I'm going to the Library, as if they want me to go, and leave them alone. And, if I suggest something fun, then they think I'm joking, or think that I'm coming down with a fever. If only they would let me be me…

At least my birthday wasn't a whole loss… I got something from my parents. It came with a letter from Dumbledore wishing me a happy birthday and saying that it had been mailed to me and that he was just passing it on. My parents sent me a lovely new sweater and several sweets. With it came a short, but sweet letter wishing me a happy birthday.

Unfortunately, it also said that I wouldn't be able to go come for the Christmas hols since my parents decided to have a second honeymoon. At least I could hear from them. Normally, I don't hear anything form them unless I go home for the break. It was quite a nice change to know that they cared…

I got another owl; I've no idea who it was from though. It came with a note, that simply said, "Happy Birthday." It was attached to a parcel wrapped in plain brown paper. I decided that I would open it later, just in case. So I put it in my bad along with Harry's gift…

Classes went by normally – nothing out of the ordinary. I kept wondering who the second owl was from. But, luckily, we were only reading in most of our classes, and I had read ahead.

After classes had ended, I decided to take a walk around the school grounds for some fresh air. I didn't stay out too long though. Harry was having a Quidditch practice, and I didn't feel like being around so much noise… And Ron.

So I headed back inside and walked around the castle. I didn't feel like going down for dinner, so I went to the Kitchens to get something to eat instead. Much as I don't like house-elf enslavement, I've started to grow to terms with it. Though I'll always help any house-elves that want to be freed, I'm not going to go around like I used to.

After I ate something, I decided to turn in early. I was quite tired, and, if I was asleep, nothing else could happen to make my birthday worse. Neville was in the Common Room with Seamus and Dean though, and they wanted to play Exploding Snap with me. They didn't see it fit that I go to sleep early on my birthday.

We played several games, until more people started to come up to the Common Room. No one would let me go to sleep – after all, it was my birthday. So, I put on a smile, and played games or chatted with everyone. Everyone, that is to say, except Ron. On more than one occasion I caught Harry looking at me sadly, and Ron glaring at me.

At about 11 o'clock, everyone started to go up. Finally, it was just me, Ron, and Harry. I sat by the fire holding a book, but not really reading it – my mind was elsewhere. Finally. Harry got up, and said good night to the two of us. As he passed by me, he whispered happy birthday and that he hoped everyone would get better.

After a few minutes of an awkward silence, Ron finally spoke. He had a bit of trouble at first, since he was stuttering, but his message got across. He was sorry that he had been so rude, and hoped that I could forgive him. That was all I needed, my eyes were brimmed with tears as I hugged him tightly, and told him that it was alright. He was a tad surprised, I'm sure, since I don't usually forgive him so easily. But, nevertheless, he hugged me back and wished me a happy birthday.

We sat down on the couch after we finished hugging and started to talk. We was in the middle of telling him about the anonymous letter, when he cleared his throat and interrupted me. I wasn't sure what he was going to do, but I stopped talking and looked at him.

He was blushing like mad, and I could tell he wasn't sure that he was doing the right thing. He cleared his throat, and reached for my hand.

And, oh, you wouldn't believe what happened next! He mumbles something that I couldn't understand, but then, he asked me loud and clear, and I wanted to go out with him!! I was so happy, that I grabbed him in a hug.

Poor Ron, though. After we broke apart form the embrace, he asked me if that was a yes. He can be so adorable when he's clueless…

Well, I must say, my birthday wasn't as bad as I thought it was…