Underneath it All

A/N : I decided to finish off all of September for you guys. =) It's quite long because of that, but, consider it a Christmas present. ; ) And you know what I want for Christmas? Reviews!! Lolz. Anyways. Sorry it's up a bit late, but, what with it being Christmas and it being the longest chapter, it took a bit longer. Enjoy! =) I hope you all had a very merry Christmas!! And have a happy new year as well!! And to all those who don't celebrate Christmas – Happy Kwanzaa, happy Hannukah… Happy Holidays everybody!! =) Oooh, and, for Christmas, I got my computer moved to my room with wireless, so, I can write a lot more because I don't have to go to the basement to write it or upload it! =) That means more chapters and better ones… If I get inspiration, just turn on the computer and write – no need to go to the basement anymore!! =) Yay!! Lolz. Anyways. Sorry for the long AN, but, I just felt like sharing. =) Feel free to do so in reviews. =)

DISCLAIMER : All characters and places are brought to you by JK Rowling - not me.

Reviews-

Thanks:

        Amandaliini - Thanks so much!! =) I'm glad you think of it that way – I try to write like that. And you'd like to know, wouldn't you? ; )

       noseyMCnosey - Thanks! =) And I try to update as soon as I get those 5 reviews, which usually happens within one day, lolz. And I hate those fics too! I update as fast as I can! =)

       BBLLPMLover - Thanks! And good night! Lolz.

       hp/charmed obsesed - I don't know if it's saved in HTML, but, I just experimented with the different ways that you could save a file, and found that saving it as "Web Page" worked for me…

       smokintimfelton - Thanks! =D

      


                Now we begin...

September 26th,

Thank goodness we didn't get too much homework today! Almost all of our lessons were practical – and the professors decided not to give us any homework apart from practicing - which is wonderful since I have so much to catch up on!

Eva and I missed 3 days worth of classes!! I still can't believe how irresponsible we were by straying so far from Hogwarts… At least we found our way back to Hogwarts safely. And the professors didn't give too much homework over those 3 days - thanks goodness! All I had to do was practice the 'Deliquesco Charm' and explain how to perform it and give examples of situation where it can be used. There were a few simple Runes translations that I finished quite easily as well. In Transfiguration we read up on human transfiguration which we're going to be starting soon – good thing I already read up on is back in Fourth Year during the TriWizard Tournament. I was really curious as to how it worked after Viktor used it on himself. The rest of the classes only had several short answer questions; and in Potions, we got time to work on a new project. Snape decided that we have to write about, brew, and then explain the consequences of the 'Occaeco Potion.' What luck – it's the potion that I brewed to sneak into Diagon Alley! And he's giving us quite a bit of time since it's such a large project…

After classes, Harry was holding a Qudditch practice and he invited me to go by and watch for a bit. I really didn't have to time though; it's such a shame since he said the team was playing quite well, and he wanted my opinion on it. Why he wanted my opinion I've no idea – I don't know the first thing about Quidditch! Then again, I suppose it was just an excuse – everyone's keeping tabs on me since they're worried I'll wander off again. It's nice that they care and that I always have something to do, but it's a tad annoying that they don't think they can't trust me…

I spent nearly the whole day in the Library working on assignments – especially the Potions one. I already know how to make it, and I know all of the components of it. I just need to study it a bit more carefully and write it all up – when I first made it, I wasn't really learning all about it, I was just making it. And brewing it should be easy enough as well. I heard we're going to have to test it ourselves, and it has to last for exactly 5 minutes if we want to pass. It shouldn't be too difficult to finish.

I didn't get as much work done at the Library as I expected… Perhaps it's because Lavender and Parvati had decided to follow me there and kept gossiping and trying to involve me in their little gossip session. I always thought that their little chats were innocent, but they can be quite catty when they want to be! They were discussing boys, and some point system they must have dreamed up. They kept comparing boys – saying which ones they wanted to go out with and which ones they would never even dream of going out with. It was quite rude – they were just judging them on materialistic values, and on their appearance! Not a word on personality… And that's the most important part of it all!

Apparently, Harry and Draco are the most "eligible bachelors Hogwarts has ever seen." They're both rich, good at Quidditch, have great bodies, and are the most intriguing since no one can really have them… Well, except for Harry and Cho, but, that was last year… And Harry even said that he regretted it. Oh, but, it wouldn't have been that bad to hear them rave about Seamus' sense of humor, or, Justin's amazing hair… It's just that they said some down-right rude comments as well!

Take Neville for example – he was one of the boys that they would never want to go out with! And I find that terrible pathetic – he is one of the nicest people I know! Well, I say, good that they don't want to go out with him, he can do much better than them! They said that since he's a tad pudgy and forgetful they wouldn't want to be seen with him. It just bothers me so much! They think that all he can do well is forget things! But he has so many wonderful qualities about him! He's excellent in Herbology, and he's a wonderful cook as well. Oh, and he can draw quite well too! I've seen some of his rough sketches, and they're amazing! I just wish that they would see that… There's more to him than not having a perfect body and being forgetful…

I just couldn't take listening to their tactless comments, so, I just left. I really needed a walk around the grounds – I needed some fresh air to help clear my head. Was that what the world was like? Was their no chance for wonderful boys like Neville because they weren't outstanding Quidditch players? Were the only boys that would ever be happily married be athletic and rich? If that's the case then I want no part in it! It's disgusting how the world seems to revolve around money and athleticism… Whatever happened to being smart or nice? Don't those things count for anything anymore?!

It just all makes me so mad that everyone is like that! And it's not just Parvati and Lavender… Sometimes, I hear Harry and Ron doing it as well! And I can't help but overhear when I'm walking by if people are doing that… It's pathetic how people like Neville are treated… I mean, he's practically shunned by everyone because of that. Sure, the boys include him, but, when it comes to sports like Quidditch, then they just shun him as well. And there's no point in him even trying with the girls! They just give each other a "look" before telling him that they were in the middle of something…

It made my heart break when he had to resort to asking Ginny to the Yule Ball back in Fourth Year! He had asked almost all of the girls in our year and had received countless rejections… I wished I hadn't had to add to that list, but, I had already accepted Viktor's invitation. Although, I think that I may have had more fun with Neville… Viktor was very polite and a wonderful dancer, but, I just didn't have that much fun with him – and it didn't help that Ron kept assuming we were going out…

Well, I won't take it anymore! I refuse! If I hear someone talking about that silly point system, or putting someone down, then they'll hear from me! It's down-right rude and stupid of them! How dare they?! I mean, who do they think they are – they have no right to judge people like that!! It's awful how they can do this, and how they don't even care if they're hurting someone's feelings!

The walk really helped me clear my head though… Although, I had to pass by Ron and Harry as they were discussing girls in our year and comparing them and commenting on them. I swear, I felt like strangling them!! They still haven't forgotten about Eloise Middgeon's acne… She had that back in Fourth Year, and it wasn't even that bad! Honestly, it took all of my will power to just walk by them without exploding at them…

I'm just so frustrated that that's how everyone acts around here!! They say that those who gossip with you, gossip about you… Well, does that mean that everyone talks about me behind MY back? And, there's no doubt about it, but, what do they say? Do they make fun of my love for books and school? Do they make fun of how bushy my hair is? What OTHER things do they say, that I've no idea of?

I've never really cared what other people have thought of me before, but, I don't know… I just don't like the thought that people actually do talk about me behind my back… And now I want to know what they say. But there's no way of knowing! They obviously won't talk about me if I'm there, and, I can't ask someone else, because they won't tell me the negative things that they say… The only way, would be to become invisible… That's it! When I brew the 'Occaeco Potion,' I'll make a little bit extra, and use it…

Oh, but, how can I be sure that they're talking about ME? How can I know that someone is even going to talk about people? … Hah! It's just not a day unless Lavender and Parvati have one of those talks… But spying on them? They're supposed to be my friends… Oh, but I just have to know what people say about me! But, do I really want to hear it from them? I mean, they have a tendency to be quite heartless when they do that… I can handle it… If what they say is the worst, then, at least I'll know what most people TRULY think of me.

On another topic, I finally got around to opening that anonymous gift. I love it! You see, it's a book, but, not… It's hollow – you can keep things in it. And the cover looks like the cover of Hogwarts, a History. It's as if, whoever sent it knew that I liked it, and that no one else read it… It's a bit scary to think that someone knows me that well, and I've no clue as to who they are…

Anyways. In the hollow part of the "book," there was a small box. Inside the box, there was the prettiest bracelet that I've ever seen! It's a silver chain with emerald beads on it - they seem to be tied onto a certain spot. And in the space between those beads, there were tiny beads made out of pink diamonds. The bracelet is simply gorgeous! I put it on my wrist, and it fit perfectly… I just couldn't stop looking at it! I wonder who got it for me… And why would they send it anonymously? It's beautiful, and must have been very expensive… You'd think that they would want me to know who they were…

Well, it's only about 9 o'clock right now, but, I really need to get some sleep. I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep in a long time… If only it was the weekend… I could sleep in…

~*~

September 27th,

It was so nice to get a good night's sleep! I was sleeping so soundly… I don't know how I woke up! My bed is just so comfortable, and it's so warm and cozy under the covers… I just didn't want to get out! Somehow, I managed. At least I wasn't late for classes like last week. It's bad enough that I'm behind, but, to be late as well!

We practiced the 'Festinatio' Charm for the entire class in Charms. I got it down after about 3 tries – AND I used the 'Tardo' Charm to make sure that Ron wouldn't be running around all rushed until the charm wore off. Unfortunately, I wasn't so lucky… He must have over-done his charm, because I ended up running around the room. And since he over-did it, I was running too fast for them to counter the charm and make me go back to normal… Harry finally caught me and held onto me while Professor Flitwick fixed it. It's a nice charm if used properly – I should use it in the morning if I'm rushing around!

In Defense Against the Dark Arts, Professor Parlink decided to give us a surprise quiz… I think I did quite well in it. It was all about Dementors – we learned about those near the beginning of the year, and he wanted to test us to see what we had learned – and remembered! I didn't think that the quiz would be very long or difficult, but, it took almost the whole period to finish it! Then again, I was the last one to hand in the quiz… I just wanted to be sure that I had put down everything! After all, one mark can make the difference between an O and an E.

Now, I love Fridays – partly because it means that the weekend is coming up, and you have more time to relax and do whatever you want; and partly because I have an easy schedule there. The morning classes are wonderful – it would be all of my favourite classes if Transfiguration was there. But, the afternoon classes… They're wonderful classes, they're just not my favourite.

I always thought that it's the teacher that makes the class fun – not the class itself. Take Transfiguration – Professor McGonagall makes the classes go well, and she makes them interesting - and it's my favourite class! Then, take History of Magic… I love learning about history; I find it interesting. But, Professor Binns just gives us lectures about the wars and rebellions and everything… He never does anything new. And, it's not my favourite class because of that! Now, Potions… That's a class that I would like, had we had a different teacher. Snape just liked to make life miserable for the Gryffindors, and make it heaven for the Slytherins. So, that way, even if we do well, we can't appreciate it since he'll put a damper on it…

Unfortunately, I have both History of Magic and Potions on Friday afternoon's. Although, today, it seemed a bit… Different. Professor Binns was as dull as ever, but, the class seemed much more interesting today – even more so than the class back in Second Year when Professor Binns told us all about the Chamber of Secrets. Today, he was telling us about medieval times, and wizard royalty. It was really interesting to learn about it since it's so different from how life is now – and yet, it's the same. Let me try to explain…

You see, back in medieval times, there was still discrimination of the poor and the rich. But for the magical community, it was the pureblooded and the mudblooded and halfblooded. But you see, the pureblooded would become witch hunters, and when a witch was found, they would cast the Imperius Curse on them so that they would confess that they were magical. Then, they would use magic to destroy them… It's what made them rich since they were paid so well to find and capture witches.

And now, even though they don't burn witches at the stake, there is still discrimination. And instead of witch hunters, there's Voldemort and his deatheaters. So, it's like we're back in the middle ages, except that now it's worse because of the fact that we've evolved so much and have so many new spells and charms that can be used for torture. Of course, there are also spells and charms for protection, but, the two cancel each other out.

Don't ask me why I found this class interesting, but, I've always thought that medieval times were interesting… Although, I'm glad that I don't live back then – life must have been quite difficult for those who weren't rich. And it seemed that the rich were always magical… Professor Binns told us some of the most rich and powerful magical families that were also witch hunters… One of them was the Malefoi family. Of course, names changed, and they became the Malfoys. Ironic, isn't it?

Although, I have noticed that discrimination hasn't been as severe and common as it used to be. Of course, the deatheaters still go around and torture the innocent, but, I mean here at Hogwarts. Why, I haven't been called a mudblood all year… But then again, it's just the end of September, so, there's still time for that. Although, I think that if I was to be called a mudblood by Draco, then, it would have happened sooner… After all, Snape assigned everyone seats, and I have my seat next to him…

Speaking of Potions, Snape gave us time in class to work on our project. He said that it would be due October 2nd – 5 day's time. I've finished everything but brewing the potion and describing the brewery since I finished up everything else in the class time we got. I finished up the brewing and description after Potions – it was my last class of the day. It wasn't that difficult, seeing as how I've brewed it before… But that will be my little secret, won't it?

I know that today is Friday, and that nobody goes to sleep early on Fridays, but, I really need to catch up on my sleep. I mean, one day of good sleep just isn't enough to make up for the time in the Forest. And, since tomorrow is Saturday, I can sleep in… Now, I hate sleeping in, but, I think that I can make an exception this once. You see, sleeping in, I find, isn't good for you. You get accustomed to waking up late over the weekend, and then, when it's back to classes, it's harder for you to get up early. It's also annoying… I feel like I've missed out on so much if I sleep in. I mean, you have the whole day ahead of you, and to waste it by sleeping when you could be outside having fun? But, my biological clock will wake me up once I've had enough sleep… But I'm only doing it this once – just this once.

Well, if I want to get enough sleep, I'd better get ready for bed now…

~*~

September 28th,

-

Evening – Sunset

-

I have never, ever, slept so late in my life… Everyone was surprised when I finally woke up! I thought that I would only sleep until 9 o'clock – the latest! I actually thought it was only 9 o'clock at first… No one was in the Common Room, so, I figured that they had all gone down to the Great Hall for breakfast. They were in the Great Hall… For lunch!!

I came down, stretching, rubbing my eyes, and sort of struggling to stay awake. I saw everyone fully-dressed, chatting energetically, and all wide-awake. As I said before, I thought that it was only 9 o'clock, but, when everyone saw me – let's just say they were surprised. I mean, picture this…

It's the middle of the day, and you're eating lunch in the Great Hall. Then, in the middle of your meal, someone comes down all tired and trying to stay awake - someone who is usually the first person up and who complains about sleeping in. Wouldn't YOU be a little bit shocked?

Everyone told me that they had thought that I was in the Library and that I had already eaten. It's nice to know that my friends are so wonderful that they bothered to check if I was there or now. For all they knew, I could have been being held hostage by a pack of vampires high atop a mountain in Peru!! But since it's me, I was probably in the Library… Honestly!! I didn't bother to stay to eat; I didn't feel like being around people who cared so much about me. I mean, it really IS a lot of trouble to go the few steps to the Library to see if I'm there. I really do understand how difficult it is to look for a friend. Honestly… I do hope you noticed the sarcasm in this.

I lost my appetite, and decided to head to the Library… But then I had second thoughts. That's where they ASSUMED I would be – but why should I go there! So, I stopped by the Kitchens and got some food to eat, and quickly stopped by in the Common Room to get a blanket, a book, and my diary, and then I decided to head up to the roof – no one would think to look for bookwork know-it-all Hermione there!

So, here I am on the roof. I long ago abandoned the book… It turned out that I've read it several times before, and have it memorized. I've just been sitting here and thinking really. There's just so much to think about lately… There are so many changes going on… That is to say, unless it's always been that way, and I'm just realizing it now… Whichever it is, I don't really like it… I know that change is good, but, that doesn't stop me from liking it. Why can't I just be a little kid again… Just on my way to Hogwarts, or even before then! Life was so much easier when I was younger… Everything was much simpler and easier to solve.

And I've really been doubting my friendships with people lately. I mean, if they can't even go to the trouble to go and see if I'm in the Library and check if I'm OK, then what does that tell me? Do they even care about me at all? I wonder if they're noticed that I'm gone again. They probably think I'm in the Library or something. Of course they won't check… It's me, where else would I be?

Now, I'm not asking to be surrounded by people all the time that I don't have a moment to myself, but, it would be nice if my "friends" would at least CHECK where I was and see if I'm alright… I wonder… How long did it take them to discover that I WASN'T in the Library when I was really in the Forbidden Forest? Did they even go out to look for me, or, did they just sit around together, HAPPY that I was gone; convincing themselves that I was in the Library and out of their hair…

Oh, if only I knew! At least now I have a plan. But, I just can't stand to be around them right now. So, I'm now going to put my plan into action just yet… I think I'll wait a bit until I cool down, and maybe next weekend or something when everyone will conveniently assume that I'm in the Library…

I don't know how long I've been up on this rooftop, but, no one has bothered to come look for me yet. You know what I've just realized… It wouldn't be that hard to find me. I mean, Harry has the Marauder's Map which would show where I was. And that just makes it even worse! How difficult and time-consuming can it be to look at a piece of parchment to check if I'm in the Library. It would show them exactly where I was… They would check for someone else, but not for me… After all, I wouldn't go anywhere but the Library or the Common Room because I have nothing better to do than read books or do homework!

I wonder if I should go back inside now. I mean, the sun is going to set in a few minutes, and it's going to get pretty dark… No! No, you know what, I WON'T go! Let them find me! I want to see if they care about me! The cold and darkness is nothing that a simple spell can't fix. And I still have food leftover from what I took from the Kitchens, so, I'll be fine up here… Alone…

Is that how I'm meant to be? Am I meant to live my life alone, with only the company of books? Am I going to live the rest of my life with "friends" that don't care what happens to be? Am I going to be alone? All alone… Am I going to have to face everything all alone, with no one by my side to help me or support me? Is loneliness the only future there is for me? Because if it is, then, that's a whole lot to look forward to…

There's no sign of anyone yet… No one has come to look for me… I suppose that everyone is sitting down to dinner, thinking that I got lost in a book in the Library and will probably go to the Common Room late… I wonder if they'll look for me after they've realized I'm not on the Library – that is to say, IF they realize it…

Oh! The sun is setting right now… It's gorgeous!! Almost as much so as the sunrise! It's going to be completely dark soon… Maybe I should just head back. I've already proved to myself that they obviously don't care what's happening to me… But, what if they do? What if they're looking for me now? Well, if they are, I'm sure I'll hear about it when I see them, right? And I can just tell them that I was in the Library the whole time…

Oh, but I hear footsteps… I wonder who it is…

-

Late night

-

Well, I was found by someone who I would never expect – Pansy Parkinson! Although, she told me that it was an accident that she found me, and that she hadn't been looking for me. She made it quite clear that no one was. It seems that she likes to go up there after sunset so that she can have some time to think and get away from everyone. It's strange, isn't it, how two people so different can be so similar?

Pansy stayed on the roof for quite some time with me… We left quite late – the moon was out and the stars were shining by the time we started to get up off the roof. For the most part, we sat there just looking out and leaving the other with their thoughts, but, ever so often, one of us would say something, and it would spark a conversation that would end with someone staring off into space after a comment…

We had quite a few lovely conversations… She doesn't like the mould that everyone has put her in – as a skanky girl who will do anything for attention and that is obsessed with Draco Malfoy. Pansy says that she's not like that, just that people have given her that reputation for several things she has done, and that she hasn't been able to get rid of it.

I always thought of Pansy like that – and as a rude, selfish, spoiled rich girl, but, she really is quite nice if you take the time to actually speak to her… She always thought of me as a snobbish, know-it-all, who always had her nose in a book. Well, at least I know what some people think of me… Although, before we left, we both agreed that underneath it all, no one was what everyone thought they were… Underneath it all, everyone is someone different.

Now, the thing that I like about Pansy, is that she's bluntly honest. Now, I'm not saying that that is a great thing, but, I quite liked how she was so direct about everything – it made talking to her much easier than say Ginny. Ginny's the type that's nice to people, and doesn't like to hurt feelings. And that's a good thing at times, but, it makes conversation a bit difficult because of the fact that she wants everyone to be happy.

Ah well, everyone is different, and I still like both of them… Did I just say that I liked Pansy Parkinson?! Wow… I never though that I'd see that day… Me liking Pansy? It's amazing what one night of talking can do to destroy a reputation and to create a friend, or acquaintance from an enemy… It's strange, isn't it? I mean, it's the same thing with Draco… We were enemies, but, now we're, well, not. Same with Pansy. And they had always been rude to my and my little group of friends… But it just goes to show you that people can change.

On the first day of school, I had a feeling that it was going to be different this year. I felt that things would be changing, and that things would be happening. And now, it's only September, and already I've befriended two Slytherins whom I deeply disliked, and I've started doubting and drifting apart from my old friendships. I don't want to lose those friendships though… Even if they may be fake or with people who don't care about me, there is still some part of them that must like me for who I am – after all, I've known them since First Year, and I HAVE been friends with them…

No matter what, I don't want them out of my life. I want to have them there for me in the future, after Hogwarts. I want to keep contact with them. I want to know what's going on in their lives; and I want them to be part of my life. It's not going to be easy though… Especially if I keep doubting the sincerity of those friendships.

I've been told that I tend to over-analyze things a lot, and, I think that this is one of those things… Why can't I just accept the fact that they're my friends and that they accept and like me for who I am? I suppose it's not really my fault… I mean, when I was younger… No, I'd rather not think about that… I promised myself… I put it in the back of my mind, and it WILL stay there.

Anyways… When Pansy and I finally went back into the castle, we went our separate ways – she to the Slytherin Common Room (I'm guessing) and me… Well, I just sort of wandered around a bit… Thank goodness I was because I remembered that I had Prefect duties tonight. So, I didn't get much sleep since I was going around making sure everything was in order and no one was out after hours. It gave me a lot of time to think since I was alone… I keep thinking that I was supposed to go around with someone else, but, I can't remember…

It's like my mind has been wiped of that – and I'm fine with that. I have time to myself to really reflect on the past month – especially recent events. I'm sure that I stayed out well past how long I had to. When I got to the Common Room, it was deserted, and everyone in my dormitory was sound asleep. I'd go to sleep, but, I just feel like writing in my diary at the moment… So much has happened, and I've still got the rest of the year to face!


I wonder what Hogwarts will throw at me next…

~*~

September 29th,

Ah, Sunday! Sunday's the day when everyone is rushing around to finish their homework well… It's times like these that I am truly happy that I finish my homework as soon as it's assigned – despite constant teasing from Ron and Harry. At least I don't have to worry about finishing up something well enough for it to be accepted.

Today, I decided that I would just take the day to relax. No more thinking about life, or friendships, or anything. I would just sit there, lazily, and chat with my friends, catch up with people, and help people with their homework. It was a good strategy, I must say.

After a late breakfast which became a brunch, I headed towards the Library to get myself a book to read – one that didn't require much thinking. It's not good if your brain is over-worked, after all. And besides, every once in a while, everyone deserves a break. I didn't really read that book though – everyone kept asking for help with a question or essay they needed to finish, so, I was just going around helping anyone who needed it. It's a great way to meek people, actually. People I just don't remember going to Hogwarts asked me for help – I met a great deal of new people.

Even though I went around helping, I stuck mostly with Ron and Harry. They were my first friends, and they had saved me from the troll back in First Year… Ever since then, we've been best friends. So, I decided to strengthen our friendship by just being there – we caught up on each other's summers and what's been going on lately. It was quite nice. I can't remember the last time we've just had a nice long chat in a while. I mean, we've had serious conversations, but, just a relaxing one? Not in a while…

It seemed that they had finished up most of their homework, and only had a bit to do today, so, after they finished, we went outside – it was quite nice, so, we decided that we may as well spend the day outside. We talked for nearly the whole day about everything… Nothing serious though, like Voldemort. Just simple things. We really ought to do it more often – it's amazing what a regular conversation with your best friends can do to you!

After dinner, we played a few games of Gobstones, Exploding Snap, and Chess. We didn't get to play long though – Ron and I had Prefect duties. So, leaving Harry with a Seamus and Dean, we headed out of the Portrait Hole to patrol the halls and just to keep chatting. Although, the conversation that I had with Ron was a bit more serious…

At first, we just kept talking about everyday things that we hadn't talked about with Harry, but, as it got later, we started talking more seriously. I don't know why, but, I opened up to Ron. I told him all about my life before Hogwarts, and he told me about his. I never knew how different we were… It's not just the fact that he's pureblooded and I'm a muggleborn, but, everything about us is different – I can't find one similarity. I suppose that's why we always have our petty little arguements. 

I thought that the night was going well and that we were really connecting, but, then I learned otherwise… I have the conversation stuck in my head – I've gone over it so many times, I'm sure that I'll never forget it… We were talking about how close everyone had grown over our time at Hogwarts, and Ron was starting to look at bit nervous – he was fidgeting, and looking around; he wasn't really focused on the conversation it seemed. So, I asked him if he was alright, and I could tell that he was thinking of what to say…

Finally, I suppose he found the right words, because he asked me how I felt about him. Now, that question confused me, and it really made me think. I didn't really understand what he meant – I loved him! He was my best friend, and, just recently, he became my boyfriend… Although, it's not different between us – we haven't had a chance to go out yet. I was considering telling him that I had always liked him THAT way, but, I don't know what made me keep my mouth shut… After a few moments, he answered me…

He told me… He told me that he thought we shouldn't be going out… He said that things were better when we were just friends… He said that he had thought he liked me that way, but that it turns out that those were just strong feelings of friendship… He told me that he was sorry, but that he just said that it didn't feel right… He said that he hoped we could still be friends… He said that it was silly if we threw away five years of friendship just like that…

I didn't know what to say, so, I just nodded… He looked relieved after he saw that, and said that it was good that I thought that too. Well, what did he expect me to say?! Did he expect me to say that he couldn't do that; that we were meant to be together and that I wouldn't let him?! All I could do was nod!

I still can't believe it… I mean, it was just out of the blue, it seemed! I wasn't prepared at all! And to think, that I was about to confess that I had been hiding my feelings since the day he had saved me from the troll! Oh diary! How could I have been so stupid! Why did I let my heart get the better of me?! Why didn't I just tell him that we should just be friends the day he asked me out!? Why did I let myself get so caught up and happy in the fact that he returned my feelings?! Why didn't I realize that it could have been a mistake?! Why didn't I think it through!!

But it's too late now… I can't believe that I was so naïve to think that he would return my feelings, and that we would be together forever?! What happened to the logical part of me?! Why did love have to blind me so much… If only… And he expects us to go back to being friends! Just like that! It's as if it was never supposed to happen… Just a dream… That's what it was… It was a dream; a foolish dream. And believe me, if I could turn back time and stop it from happening, then I would!

They say that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but, I beg to differ. Whoever said that, obviously never experienced heart break… They never had to hear from the boy they loved that he only wanted to be friends. They didn't have to feel their heart shattering into a million pieces… They never had to deal with it… They were probably happily married their whole life with the same person that they fell in love with when they were 5 years old.

Well they're wrong. It would have been better if this had never happened! Even though nothing really happened, the fact remains that he asked me out, and then changed his mind… I had my chance, and I lost it… There was no hope anymore for us… There would never be a Ron and Hermione Weasley… He was the one boy who I had a chance with – but not anymore.

I suppose that I can always move into some dilapidated, old shack with a million cats and throw them at people who come near me… I already have Crookshanks…

-

Midnight

-

I left my diary… The memory is still fresh in my mind, and I just had to go to the bathroom and cry. After Ron told me, I told him I had to go… I got my diary, and went to the bathroom. This page is covered in tear stains… I couldn't take it anymore… The prospect of having the future as a crazy old cat lady just made me breakdown.

But I'm OK now. I've cried enough for one night. Ron isn't worth all these tears… And yet, as I write this, I'm still crying… Why is it that my heart doesn't understand what I'm trying to tell it! It's over with him – I messed up my chance, and there's no use crying over it – it won't change anything. But no, I just keep crying… The tears just won't stop.

Well, I can't go back to my dormitory all in tears – I refuse to let anyone see how weak I am. All my life, I've worked hard to show everyone how strong and independent I am. I won't let Ron and that whole thing ruin that. Once I finish crying, that's it. I'll go to my dormitory, and I won't shed another tear for him again. Why should I? He doesn't deserve it!

Although, it might be easier if I was surrounded by my friends… I mean, they might be able to comfort me, and, it's not like they'll never find out that Ron and I aren't going out again… They'd like it more if I told them myself; instead of them hearing it as gossip…

Then again, what if they just laugh at me? Or, what if they just think I'm some pathetic little girl that can't handle anything because I broke down and cried after he dumped me? Oh… Skinned knees were so much easier to heal than broken hearts!

~*~

September 30th,

Well, I ended up going to the dormitory… Only Lavender was awake – she was finishing up a Divination assignment. Although, she dropped it the moment she heard me come into the dormitory sniffling and trying to stifle my cries. Right away, she came to me and took me to her bed, sat me down all comfortable, and just hugged my while I cried. After I stopped crying so much, she asked me what had happened, and why I was crying.

So, I told her. Maybe it was the fact that she was comforting me, and making me feel all safe and loved that I spilled out the entire story… I told her everything – how I liked him since back in First Year, up until just mere hours ago when he broke my heart. She sat there and listened patiently while I told my story between new fits of tears… Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to go over everything so soon, but, I'm glad I did.

Lavender didn't say anything; she didn't laugh or cry or yell… She just sat there, in thought, and kept hugging me and telling me that it would be OK. Honestly, when Lavender has children, she's going to be an amazing mother.

We stayed up all night long just sitting there and talking after I calmed down. She used a spell to get rid of the tearstains on my face, and the red around my eyes. I think she did a quick spell to fix my hair as well because it looked quite nice afterwards. She really is quite good at spells like that – they're quite useful, and, most people use them everyday.

Anyways. She didn't tell anyone, and neither did I, but, somehow, everyone knew what had happened the night before. I heard several versions of it, and underneath all of the added bits, it was exactly what had happened. Harry came up to me during breakfast to see if I was OK. I put on a smile, and said that I was fine; never better. I don't know if he believed me, but, he didn't say anything apart from telling me to meet him in the Astronomy Tower after classes.

I was in a daze all through classes… Nothing really got to me. It was as if everything went in one ear and out the other. I kept telling myself to snap out of it and concentrate, but, it wasn't working. At least I got all of the notes from other people since I always gave them mine. They were a bit surprised when I asked, but, they all knew what had happened so they understood why I had asked for their notes. I just hope I stop acting like this soon – I can't afford being like this much longer if I want to do well and keep up my good marks.

After classes were finished, Lavender said that she would be in Professor Trelawney's classroom if I needed her, but, no matter how much I would need her, I promised myself that I would never set foot in that fraud's classroom ever again. Since Astronomy was my last class of the day, I just stayed there. I sort of, just, sat there not really paying attention to anything.

I didn't even notice that Harry walked in until he tapped me on my shoulder and asked if I was alright. I was sick of everyone asking me that; and I was sick of always plastering on a smile and saying that I was fine. Besides, this was Harry – and, even though he was a guy, he would understand… So I burst into tears. I swear that I heard him sigh and mutter that he knew it under his breath before he wrapped his arms around me in a hug. I don't know how long I sat there crying in his arms, but, he just sat there patiently, occasionally telling me that it would be alright and that I would get through it.

After I finally stopped crying, Harry wiped away the last of my tears, and looked me in the eye. He held my face in his hand, and told me that I would be OK. He said that I was strong, and that it wouldn't be hard for me to get back on track. He kept telling me things like that, but I tuned out. I was too busy staring into his eyes – they were almost hypnotic… They're so green, and you could so easily get lost in them. But his voice snapped me back into reality.

He sighed again, and hugged me again. This time, I didn't cry. I just leaned on his chest, and thought about Ron and what Harry had said. He was right – I was strong, and I would be able to get through it. It wasn't the end of the world… After all, when one door closes, another opens. And I had been so busy moping, that I hadn't been looking for that door.

Harry kept holding me for a while like that. But before he left, he told me something that I'm going to carry with me everywhere I go. He said that if I wanted the rainbow, I had to put up with the rain. In my life, I've heard many quotes and proverbs, and until then, I had always felt strongly about every cloud having silver lining, but upon hearing that one, I changed my mind. It was true.

I was done crying and moping – it was time to get on with my life. I'm going to have to deal with things much worse than this in my life, and if I want to be happy, then I'm going to just have to get through them as best as I can. And the only way to do that, is to just try and live as normally as possible.

If Ron wants to be just friends, then fine. He can have that. We've been best friends for a long time, and I'm not about to throw that away because of that. It's going to be hard, but Harry's right – I'm strong and I will do this.

I don't know how long I sat there reflecting upon what Harry had said, but, I soon got up, and decided to go and have fun. I would have liked to go outside for a walk or run around having fun, but, since it was raining, I couldn't really do that… But then again, what was a little rain? That wasn't going to stop me… I decided to go outside and breath fresh air. No one else was outside; everyone was inside by a warm fire. So, I felt fine running around and screaming. Thank goodness no one saw me though, that would have been too much for me to handle.

I was soaked to the bone, but I wasn't ready to go inside yet. The rain wasn't falling as hard as it had been before… Call me crazy, but, I think that the weather was portraying my mood. I was sad and moping, and it was raining. As I was getting happier and getting over the fact that there would never be a Ron and Hermione, the rain started to let down, and the sun started to come out.

I would wait outside until I saw a rainbow. Once I saw that rainbow, I would know that I was fine – I would be able to move on. I know that that sounds crazy, but, I don't care. I walked around, and thought about everything that I had going for me. I have wonderful friends, I'm doing well in school… I have a bright future ahead of me! There's no reason to let something so small hold me down.

Then I began to think about the next door… My door with Ron had closed, but, that just meant that there was someone out there better for me… Now, I just needed to find them, or did I? Who said that I needed a boy to be happy? I can be perfectly happy and fine without one. I'm only 16!! I have my whole life ahead of me to date people. I may as well just enjoy what I had left of my time as a child before I had to take on the responsibilities of adults and go out into the real world. It was then that I decided to make a pact to myself. I promised myself that, no matter what, I would never sink so deep into depression or sadness. I would always push that aside and be happy. After all, you only live once – but if you live it right, once is enough.

I promised myself that I would never take anything for granted, and that I would always look for the good things… Even when times seem at their worst, there is always something, no matter how small, that can make it seem a bit brighter. It will be your salvation when times are dark, and it seems like there is no hope. And I promise that I will always find that salvation. After all, it's the little things that make the difference.

I believe that everything in life has a purpose. Though I may not know the purpose of what happened between me and Ron today, tomorrow, or even in 10 years. The purpose will be revealed to me when the time is right. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. And there was a reason for this. I'm not going to dwell on finding it out – I'm just going to go out and live my life – let it find me. Why worry about things that I can't control?

It was at that moment that the rain stopped. The sun started the pop out from behind the clouds, and the biggest, most vibrant rainbow I have ever seen came out. I was at peace. I was fine – I could get through this all. I can face anything that the world throws at me! So, go ahead life, give me your next challenge, and I'll get through it. I'll pass your next test with flying colours!

All my life, I've thought that I was living – but I wasn't. I wasn't living – truly living. Life is what happens when you're too busy making other plans. I've wasted 16 years of my life not living… The worst part of life isn't that it's over so soon; it's that it takes so long to truly live. I'm glad that I've figured that out though…

Who knew that something so simple as being dumped can make such a drastic change on someone? Who knew, that someone so small as a rainbow could have such an affect?

I'm so happy that I've finally realized this. Now I can truly being living. I don't know how much time I have left on this earth, but, I do know that I'm going to make the most of it. This is MY life, and from now on, I'm going to be happy.

I feel so free. Once I saw that rainbow, I felt so free. I was finally released from the chains that held me back from living. Now, I could soar in the sky and fly freely. I'm free… Free from the clutches of fear and self-consciousness. Free from the grasp that sadness and anger held me with. Now, I could fly… I could reach new heights of happiness and joy. I can now say, that I am truly happy.

When I came in after the rain stopped and the rainbow had appeared, I was wet and dripping water. But I had a huge smile on my face – I just couldn't contain myself! I had the biggest grin on my face that I have ever had. Everyone found it odd; and I see why! Only a few hours ago, I had been sad and moping. But, they didn't know what I knew… They didn't know that I was free. They didn't know how restrained they were from life.

It was my little secret. No one would know what had happened to me during that rainstorm… Only I would. They could guess, they could assume – but no one would even know. It's something so simple, that it's so complex. If only they knew… If only they knew what I had just experienced… If only they knew what they were missing out on… But they would. Eventually, they will know what I know; they will experience what I experienced; and they will feel what I feel.

I literally skipped up the Common Room. I was humming a random tune and had that same smile on my face when I walked through the Portrait Hole. Everyone gaped at me. I felt there eyes staring at me. I could sense that they were questioning my sanity. But I didn't care. I just stood there, giggled, and said hello before rushing over to Harry; who was sitting in an arm chair across from Ron.

It took a moment for everyone to get back to what they were doing, but, their eyes finally left mine. Although, I could hear their whispers about me – again, I didn't care. I took a seat on the arm of Harry's arm chair, and just beamed at both Ron and Harry. I told Harry thank-you for shedding the light on me, and then I left them both with a hug. They were staring at me as I bounced over to Lavender; whom I thanked as well.

Soon enough, everyone started staring at me again. So, I said good-night, and skipped up the stairs to the dormitory.

And here I am, still wearing that grin, and writing it all out… It really and truly amazes me how fast I had a change of heart… And I owe it all to Harry.

 

I can only begin to imagine what everyone else is thinking…

~*~

A/N : Deliquesco - Latin. Meaning – melt.

         Occaeco - Latin. Meaning – invisible.

         Festinatio - Latin. Meaning – speed.

         Tardo - Latin. Meaning – slow down.

Wow… September 30th was one of my favourite entries to write. It's just so real for me… This entire chapter was easy to write because it was so real to me… I included lots of quotes that I liked, and it's actually based on my life. Evidently, things have been changed, but, basically – it's me. So, I hope you enjoy reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Oh, and just so you know, this isn't all you're going to hear of Hermione… I'm thinking about continuing this until June so that you can see the whole year through her eyes, but, it's your choice. Tell me if you think that I should stop in June, or sooner in a review. =)

~*~