Whose Line is it Anyway: The Return of Jak II
Part 2
by Phoenix Flower
DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?"—the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. I'm Drew Carey, and I'm a brick house; I'm mighty mighty, just lettin' it all hang out.
(Torn shudders.)
Let's keep things going with a game called "Irish Drinking Song." This is for all four of you, with the help of Laura Hall on the piano. These guys are gonna make up an Irish drinking song one line at a time. What I need from the audience is a suggestion of a really hard Jak II mission.
MAN IN AUDIENCE: "Destroy five Hellcat cruisers!"
DREW: "Destroy five Hellcat cruisers." So you guys are gonna sing the "Destroy five Hellcat cruisers" Irish drinking song. Take it away.
(Music begins.)
ALL: Ohhhhh…hi dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di!
JAK: I went down to the hideout…
KEIRA: …and I talked to Torn.
DAXTER: He said he had a mission for me…
TORN (tentatively, trying to think of a rhyme): And…then I…ate some corn.
JAK (laughing): There were five Hellcat cruisers…
KEIRA: …patrolling the streets…
DAXTER: …and I had to destroy them.
TORN: It sounded really neat.
ALL: Oh, hi dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di!
KEIRA: I went out to the streets…
DAXTER: …and saw them flying around.
TORN: I pulled out my morph gun…
JAK: …and chased a cruiser down.
KEIRA: The guards got really angry…
DAXTER: …and started chasing me.
TORN: I shot down the cruiser…
JAK: …and turned it to debris!
ALL: Oh, hi dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di!
DAXTER: The guards were trying to kill me…
TORN: …and so I ran and hid…
JAK: …until the alert went down.
KEIRA: That is what I did.
DAXTER: I came out of hiding…
TORN: …and hunted down the rest…
JAK: …and I shot them all down.
KEIRA: It really was the best!
ALL: Oh, hi dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di!
TORN: I blew up all the cruisers.
JAK: The mission was completed.
KEIRA: I felt very proud.
DAXTER: I felt a bit conceited.
TORN: I knew that I could do it…
JAK: …if I tried hard enough.
KEIRA: There's really nothing to it.
DAXTER: Look, I'm in the buff!
(Jak, Keira, and Torn laugh so hard that they have trouble finishing the song.)
ALL: Oh, hi dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di! Oh, hi dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-diiii dee diiii dee diiiiiiiiiii!
(Buzzer. Audience cheers and applauds. They return to their seats, still laughing.)
DREW: 10,000 points to Daxter on that one for reminding us how slack the censors have gotten about nudity. Okay, let's go on to a game called "Scene to Rap." This is for all four of you again, with the help of Mixmaster Laura Hall and DJ Jazzy Linda Taylor! What I need from the audience is the name of a hit movie.
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Finding Nemo!
DREW: Finding Nemo. Okay, you guys are gonna rap a scene about Finding Nemo. Take it away.
(Rap music begins.)
JAK: Yo—my name's Marlin and I'm here to say / My son Nemo was kidnapped today! / I'll find him if I have to search the seven seas. / Won't somebody help me, please?
KEIRA: My name's Dory and I'll try to assist, / But first I think I should tell you this. / It's something that's not gonna make you happy: / My short-term memory is beyond crappy!
TORN (Australian accent): I'm Bruce the shark and I smell blood. / Now, little mates, your names are mud. / Just a nibble, just a bite. / I'm having fish tonight!
KEIRA: Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh-no-no! / Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh-no-no!
JAK: A frenzied shark and exploding mines— / This ain't my idea of a good time!
DAXTER: N to the E to the M to the O! / I'm trapped in a tank and I wanna go! / I'm gettin' scared, I'm gettin' sad, / So hurry your ass up and save me, Dad!
TORN (surfer accent): Yo, dude and dudette, there ain't no doubt. / I'm Crush the turtle and I'll help you out. / We're ridin' the current, so hold on tight / 'Cause you're in for one "shell" of a ride! / Say heyyy!
(Torn, Jak, and Keira form a conga line. Daxter does the Moonwalk.)
JAK, KEIRA, DAXTER, & AUDIENCE: Heyyy!
TORN: Say hohhh!
JAK, KEIRA, DAXTER, & AUDIENCE: Hohhh!
KEIRA: Boy, it sure is lucky for us / That Bruce the shark turned into Crush!
(Jak and Torn laugh.)
JAK: C'mon, Dory, let's find my boy, / Because he is my pride and joy. / After this adventure, things won't be the same.
KEIRA: Who are you and how do you know my name?
(Buzzer. Audience cheers and applauds. The four return to their seats.)
DREW: A million points to Torn for turning into Crush. Now let's play a game called "Changed Letter." This is for all four of you. Boy, this is a busy episode for all of you, isn't it? This is a fun game to play with your mom without telling her first. These guys are gonna act out a scene for you; Jak and Keira are gonna start, and Torn and Daxter are gonna come in later. However, they can't say the letter T; they have to replace it with G. The scene is…"A peaceful picnic in the countryside goes wrong." Take it away whenever you're ready. Can't say T; gotta say G.
KEIRA: Whag a beaugiful day for a picnic.
JAK: Yes, ig cergainly is.
KEIRA: Leg's spread the blankeg righg here, under ghis gree.
JAK: Ghis is quige a lovely spog. Leg's gake ghe food oug of ghe baskeg. (laughs)
KEIRA: Did you remember go bring ghe wine?
JAK: Of course. Did you ghink I would forgeg?
(They sit side by side.)
KEIRA: This is so romangic. I love you, Gimoghy.
JAK: I love you goo, Sgephanie.
TORN: Hi, guys! How's ig goin'?
JAK: Gommy, whag are you doing here?
KEIRA: We wang-ed go be alone gogegher gogay—(corrects herself) goday! (laughs)
TORN: (sitting down beside them) Oh, don'g mind me. You won'g even nogice I'm here. Whag's ghere go eag?
JAK: Whag?
TORN: Go eag. Whag food do you have go eag?
(Keira laughs at the brief confusion.)
KEIRA: Um, well, ghere are gurkey sandwiches.
JAK: And some Dieg Coke.
DAXTER: Hey! You guys weng on a picnic and didn'g invige me?
KEIRA: Oh, nog anogher ingerloper.
DAXTER: Hey, Gommy, pass ghe Gosgigos. (Torn looks confused.) Ghe Gosgigos. Ghe chips—pass ghe chips! (Torn laughs and hands him an imaginary bowl.)
KEIRA (to Jak): Our romangic afgernoon gogegher didn'g gurn oug quige ghe way we planned, did ig?
JAK: Nog exacgly.
KEIRA: Oh, ghe heck wigh ghose gwo. Kiss me!
(They kiss passionately. Buzzer. Torn and Daxter return to their seats, but Jak and Keira remain seated, kissing.)
DREW: We'll be right back, find out who the winner is. Don't go away!