CHAPTER 5
Kyou sat on the roof, watching as the sun slipped beneath the horizon. Already the sky was deepening to purple and the air was cooling off, the sweet scents of night-blooming flowers wafting upward. It was a nice change from wandering around in the heat. Since leaving Yuki's room, he hadn't stayed in the house longer than it took to change into street clothes. He'd been gone the whole day, finally coming home only a few minutes ago and going straight to the roof. He couldn't sleep on the street, and he wasn't ready to talk, so he was just going to have to wait until they all went to bed to sneak in.
The window in the dining area was open directly below him. He could hear Tohru and Shigure talking around the table (so the dog was back), and Yuki, too, occasionally, although only in answer to someone else's question. Faint whiffs of teriyaki chicken and rice confused the flower scent, and Kyou's stomach growled.
"Gochisousama, Honda-san." Yuki's voice echoed clearly across the yard, followed by something unintelligible from Shigure. Dishes clinked in the sink a few moments later, and the only sounds after were water running and Tohru's humming as she began to clean up.
Kyou shook his head, lowering it onto his knees and wrapping his arms around his legs. He was up on the roof, starving, and he wouldn't let himself go into the kitchen because if he did, he wouldn't stop at the kitchen. He'd go straight through to Yuki's room, and find the damn rat, and –
"I thought you might be up here."
Kyou tensed, a shock of surprise going through his whole body. Shit. He must be getting old. He hadn't even considered the possibility that Yuki might actually come up here. "Shouldn't you be resting?" he asked rudely, his voice muffled against the knees of his cargo pants.
"I'm fine." Footsteps scraped against the shingles. "You weren't at dinner."
"Very perceptive. Leave me alone." He felt bad for even saying it, especially in light of what had happened, but he didn't trust himself to talk things out yet. He wasn't ready.
The footsteps moved again, and a warm presence settled itself next to Kyou's side. "I meant what I said this morning."
Goosebumps broke out along Kyou's skin. Yuki was too close. And he just kept talking...! "I thought I said we'd talk later."
"It's later now."
Kyou turned his head just enough so that he could use one eye to see his cousin. Yuki looked strange, and very pretty. The moonlight always brought out the best of Yuki's features, lending his smooth complexion a porcelain glow, and turning his clear violet eyes a dark purple. The rat thought it was a feminine look, and he hated it, but Kyou didn't see it that way. To him, Yuki was delicately beautiful, but definitely male. There was just something about the set of his shoulders, the line of his chest...
"What? Do I have something on my face?"
Kyou turned red and shoved his face back into his knees, smacking his nose. "Damn it!" He sat up, rubbing his injured nose and glaring out at the dark landscape.
"You all right?" Yuki asked, extending a cautious hand.
Kyou suddenly turned the full force of his gaze on his cousin, scowling. "Look, you said you were sorry, and I believe you, okay? What else do you want?"
Yuki seemed to wilt a little. He brought his hand back to his lap before it could touch Kyou. "I... I thought maybe... I'm sorry."
"You thought that since you apologized, everything would be fine, is that it? That we could just go back to before all this happened?" He waited, and Yuki nodded slowly, his hair sliding forward and hiding his face behind silver-tinged bangs. Kyou's expression hardened, and he turned back to look out over the yard. "Well, we can't. You did what you did, and even if you apologize, there's no taking it back. You screwed everything up. You can't just ask me to trust you again, understand?"
The warmth from Yuki's body slowly shrank away from Kyou, and the cool night breeze seemed colder where the rat's touch had been. "I understand," Yuki whispered. He crossed his arms and tucked them in against his chest, curling up. Kyou got angrier just watching it and looked away, but it was anger at himself. Yuki was at least trying. He didn't deserve to have Kyou snap at him, not for that.
He exhaled slowly, pushing his fingers through his hair, and tried to be adult. "It's just... how do I know you won't do it again?"
"I won't let him scare me again, if that helps," the rat said quietly.
Kyou stared into the darkness, feeling the safe wall of hating Yuki for what he'd done begin to thin. It had always had a fault in it, and it wasn't complete, but it had been strong enough to last four months. But he could push through it now, if he wanted. He could have Yuki back if he could just breach that wall...
He gathered his feet under him and stood, looking toward the balcony they all used when they went to the roof. Yuki didn't move.
"C'mon. We're going inside. Tohru'll kill me if you get sick again."
"Honda-san," Yuki murmured without rising. "She told me to talk to you."
"And she told me to talk to you. She's kind of nosy."
"She cares about us."
Kyou stared down at Yuki's back, and suddenly he couldn't stay aloof, couldn't pretend he didn't care anymore. For God's sake, was Tohru willing to work harder on this than they were? She'd tried her best to get them to this point, but she couldn't help anymore. There could be no relationship if they relied on Tohru for everything. It was up to them to help themselves.
He dropped into a crouch next to Yuki, grabbing the other's arm. "Did you mean it?" Kyou demanded, quietly intense. "You have to tell me the truth. Did you really mean it? Are you really sorry?"
Yuki jumped, his purple eyes reflecting the moonlight. "Yes."
"Why didn't you just tell me what you were doing? Why did you do that to me? To us?"
"I don't know. I told you, I was scared. He... he was watching us that day. He knew."
"He saw us?" Kyou stared back at the smaller boy, but his mind flew back to that day, replaying it as he had millions of times before. He hadn't been facing the house, and Yuki had. The rat had seen, and hadn't said anything. "You said you did it because you wanted to protect me."
Yuki's shoulders tightened, but he stayed still. "Yes."
"Because you were scared of Akito."
"Because I was scared of what he would do."
"To you."
"No. To you."
"Because –"Kyou stopped, blinking. "Because... of what he would do to you if he found out about me?"
Yuki laughed once and looked away, frustrated. "You're so dense. He's already hurt me. What do I care? I did it because he would've hurt you, Kyou. He would've locked you up, or killed you, or a zillion other things that I can't even stand to think about. Don't you get it? I can't let anyone else hurt you. If he had done something to you because of me, I couldn't bear it. I would've killed myself."
"Don't say things like that!"
"But I would have!" Yuki jerked out of Kyou's grip, pushing to his feet. "I didn't like what I did, but I didn't see any other way to keep you safe. I had to protect you, you're proving that just by not understanding!"
"You don't have to protect me, stupid!" Kyou snapped, standing up as well . "I can take care of myself! It's you who needs protecting! You're Akito's favorite toy, not me!" Yuki's eyes widened, and Kyou ground his teeth. He'd done it again! And now, of all times! "I mean –"
"You're right."
"—I shouldn't have – what?"
"You're right." Yuki was tense, his voice suddenly low, and he was hugging himself as he looked over the edge of the roof. "Akito won't stop wanting me. I don't know what he sees in me, but he won't let it go. I'd have to be stupid to expect anyone to put up with that."
Kyou paused, gathering his own nerve, trying to move around the sharp pain in Yuki's voice. "Is that what you dreamed about last night? Akito?"
"...no. Is that why you were in my room?"
"You were having a nightmare. I wasn't spying on you, I just heard it."
"And you were nosy, of course."
"No!" Kyou protested before he realized Yuki was teasing, but the second he heard it the tightness inside him unwound just a little. "No. I just thought that I couldn't let you ... stay like that."
"I know. You're too good a person. Everyone knows that." Yuki paused, and he added softly, hesitantly, "I could smell you on the sheets when I woke up."
"Oh?" Kyou's skin went hot as he blushed, and he was glad Yuki wasn't facing him. "Is that a good thing?"
"I wanted you so much..." Yuki sighed, and his voice took on a faraway tone. "I heard somewhere that love isn't enough sometimes. Have you heard that?"
"Yeah..."
"Do you think that's true? That love can't always be enough?"
"Maybe... but Yuki—"
"You're right again. About love. You were probably right the first time, too. Maybe we shouldn't have tried to hide it. Us. But that just proves it won't ever work, doesn't it? We can't be together, no matter what we do."
"Yuki..." The other sounded so sad, and Kyou felt the last of the wall crumble from around his heart. He reached out, pulling his cousin backwards and wrapping his arms around Yuki's slender form. He turned his face into Yuki's hair, inhaling softly, his eyes drifting closed. His cousin had grown, they both had, but he still fit perfectly against Kyou's body, like he was made to be there. "I hate to tell you this, but you're wrong again."
"Wrong?" Yuki asked, and Kyou could feel Yuki's heartbeat through his back as it sped up, strong against his own chest.
"You were trying to protect me, and I didn't realize it. That was my mistake. I thought I could live without you, and that was my mistake, too." The cat lowered his head until he was almost touching Yuki's ear. It had been a long time since they'd been this close, and suddenly nothing seemed more important than being here, now, and sealing every gap that existed between them. "But I won't make a mistake like that again. You mean more to me than anything on earth, and I'll never let you go."
Yuki's voice was weak, breathy. He brought a hand up, clutching Kyou's arm. "Kyou..."
"I love you, Yuki. I love you so much it hurts. If you love me, it will be enough. More than enough."
"And if Akito hurts you because we're together, because I love you so much I couldn't tell you no, what am I supposed to do?" Yuki whispered.
Kyou's breath brushed Yuki's ear, warm and sweet. "Let me worry about that." And he turned Yuki in his arms and closed his lips over his cousin's, kissing Yuki gently, savoring the taste he'd never forgotten. Yuki made a feeble noise, sagging in Kyou's arms, and Kyou tightened his grip, supporting the smaller boy as the kiss deepened and they drank from each other, each one holding the other's life in his kiss. It was thick with love, sweet with forgiveness, and only faintly bitter with known danger, but they clung to each other even after the kiss had ended, the memory lingering on their bruised lips. Kyou held Yuki close, and his cousin buried his face buried in Kyou's neck, shuddering.
"Shh, Yun-chan, it's okay now," Kyou said, stroking Yuki's back.
Yuki nodded without lifting his head and hugged Kyou tighter. "I know. I just ..."
"Don't want to let go?" His cousin nodded again and Kyou smiled, reluctantly pulling his arms back and taking Yuki's hand. "We have plenty of time to catch up. I should take you inside." He turned toward the balcony again, then stopped, glancing back, worried. "Oh... d'you think Shigure and Tohru will be able to tell? That we've made up?"
"I don't know," Yuki said. He pursed his lips, then pulled at Kyou's hand, smiling mischievously. "Let's go tell them."
THE END
Kyou sat on the roof, watching as the sun slipped beneath the horizon. Already the sky was deepening to purple and the air was cooling off, the sweet scents of night-blooming flowers wafting upward. It was a nice change from wandering around in the heat. Since leaving Yuki's room, he hadn't stayed in the house longer than it took to change into street clothes. He'd been gone the whole day, finally coming home only a few minutes ago and going straight to the roof. He couldn't sleep on the street, and he wasn't ready to talk, so he was just going to have to wait until they all went to bed to sneak in.
The window in the dining area was open directly below him. He could hear Tohru and Shigure talking around the table (so the dog was back), and Yuki, too, occasionally, although only in answer to someone else's question. Faint whiffs of teriyaki chicken and rice confused the flower scent, and Kyou's stomach growled.
"Gochisousama, Honda-san." Yuki's voice echoed clearly across the yard, followed by something unintelligible from Shigure. Dishes clinked in the sink a few moments later, and the only sounds after were water running and Tohru's humming as she began to clean up.
Kyou shook his head, lowering it onto his knees and wrapping his arms around his legs. He was up on the roof, starving, and he wouldn't let himself go into the kitchen because if he did, he wouldn't stop at the kitchen. He'd go straight through to Yuki's room, and find the damn rat, and –
"I thought you might be up here."
Kyou tensed, a shock of surprise going through his whole body. Shit. He must be getting old. He hadn't even considered the possibility that Yuki might actually come up here. "Shouldn't you be resting?" he asked rudely, his voice muffled against the knees of his cargo pants.
"I'm fine." Footsteps scraped against the shingles. "You weren't at dinner."
"Very perceptive. Leave me alone." He felt bad for even saying it, especially in light of what had happened, but he didn't trust himself to talk things out yet. He wasn't ready.
The footsteps moved again, and a warm presence settled itself next to Kyou's side. "I meant what I said this morning."
Goosebumps broke out along Kyou's skin. Yuki was too close. And he just kept talking...! "I thought I said we'd talk later."
"It's later now."
Kyou turned his head just enough so that he could use one eye to see his cousin. Yuki looked strange, and very pretty. The moonlight always brought out the best of Yuki's features, lending his smooth complexion a porcelain glow, and turning his clear violet eyes a dark purple. The rat thought it was a feminine look, and he hated it, but Kyou didn't see it that way. To him, Yuki was delicately beautiful, but definitely male. There was just something about the set of his shoulders, the line of his chest...
"What? Do I have something on my face?"
Kyou turned red and shoved his face back into his knees, smacking his nose. "Damn it!" He sat up, rubbing his injured nose and glaring out at the dark landscape.
"You all right?" Yuki asked, extending a cautious hand.
Kyou suddenly turned the full force of his gaze on his cousin, scowling. "Look, you said you were sorry, and I believe you, okay? What else do you want?"
Yuki seemed to wilt a little. He brought his hand back to his lap before it could touch Kyou. "I... I thought maybe... I'm sorry."
"You thought that since you apologized, everything would be fine, is that it? That we could just go back to before all this happened?" He waited, and Yuki nodded slowly, his hair sliding forward and hiding his face behind silver-tinged bangs. Kyou's expression hardened, and he turned back to look out over the yard. "Well, we can't. You did what you did, and even if you apologize, there's no taking it back. You screwed everything up. You can't just ask me to trust you again, understand?"
The warmth from Yuki's body slowly shrank away from Kyou, and the cool night breeze seemed colder where the rat's touch had been. "I understand," Yuki whispered. He crossed his arms and tucked them in against his chest, curling up. Kyou got angrier just watching it and looked away, but it was anger at himself. Yuki was at least trying. He didn't deserve to have Kyou snap at him, not for that.
He exhaled slowly, pushing his fingers through his hair, and tried to be adult. "It's just... how do I know you won't do it again?"
"I won't let him scare me again, if that helps," the rat said quietly.
Kyou stared into the darkness, feeling the safe wall of hating Yuki for what he'd done begin to thin. It had always had a fault in it, and it wasn't complete, but it had been strong enough to last four months. But he could push through it now, if he wanted. He could have Yuki back if he could just breach that wall...
He gathered his feet under him and stood, looking toward the balcony they all used when they went to the roof. Yuki didn't move.
"C'mon. We're going inside. Tohru'll kill me if you get sick again."
"Honda-san," Yuki murmured without rising. "She told me to talk to you."
"And she told me to talk to you. She's kind of nosy."
"She cares about us."
Kyou stared down at Yuki's back, and suddenly he couldn't stay aloof, couldn't pretend he didn't care anymore. For God's sake, was Tohru willing to work harder on this than they were? She'd tried her best to get them to this point, but she couldn't help anymore. There could be no relationship if they relied on Tohru for everything. It was up to them to help themselves.
He dropped into a crouch next to Yuki, grabbing the other's arm. "Did you mean it?" Kyou demanded, quietly intense. "You have to tell me the truth. Did you really mean it? Are you really sorry?"
Yuki jumped, his purple eyes reflecting the moonlight. "Yes."
"Why didn't you just tell me what you were doing? Why did you do that to me? To us?"
"I don't know. I told you, I was scared. He... he was watching us that day. He knew."
"He saw us?" Kyou stared back at the smaller boy, but his mind flew back to that day, replaying it as he had millions of times before. He hadn't been facing the house, and Yuki had. The rat had seen, and hadn't said anything. "You said you did it because you wanted to protect me."
Yuki's shoulders tightened, but he stayed still. "Yes."
"Because you were scared of Akito."
"Because I was scared of what he would do."
"To you."
"No. To you."
"Because –"Kyou stopped, blinking. "Because... of what he would do to you if he found out about me?"
Yuki laughed once and looked away, frustrated. "You're so dense. He's already hurt me. What do I care? I did it because he would've hurt you, Kyou. He would've locked you up, or killed you, or a zillion other things that I can't even stand to think about. Don't you get it? I can't let anyone else hurt you. If he had done something to you because of me, I couldn't bear it. I would've killed myself."
"Don't say things like that!"
"But I would have!" Yuki jerked out of Kyou's grip, pushing to his feet. "I didn't like what I did, but I didn't see any other way to keep you safe. I had to protect you, you're proving that just by not understanding!"
"You don't have to protect me, stupid!" Kyou snapped, standing up as well . "I can take care of myself! It's you who needs protecting! You're Akito's favorite toy, not me!" Yuki's eyes widened, and Kyou ground his teeth. He'd done it again! And now, of all times! "I mean –"
"You're right."
"—I shouldn't have – what?"
"You're right." Yuki was tense, his voice suddenly low, and he was hugging himself as he looked over the edge of the roof. "Akito won't stop wanting me. I don't know what he sees in me, but he won't let it go. I'd have to be stupid to expect anyone to put up with that."
Kyou paused, gathering his own nerve, trying to move around the sharp pain in Yuki's voice. "Is that what you dreamed about last night? Akito?"
"...no. Is that why you were in my room?"
"You were having a nightmare. I wasn't spying on you, I just heard it."
"And you were nosy, of course."
"No!" Kyou protested before he realized Yuki was teasing, but the second he heard it the tightness inside him unwound just a little. "No. I just thought that I couldn't let you ... stay like that."
"I know. You're too good a person. Everyone knows that." Yuki paused, and he added softly, hesitantly, "I could smell you on the sheets when I woke up."
"Oh?" Kyou's skin went hot as he blushed, and he was glad Yuki wasn't facing him. "Is that a good thing?"
"I wanted you so much..." Yuki sighed, and his voice took on a faraway tone. "I heard somewhere that love isn't enough sometimes. Have you heard that?"
"Yeah..."
"Do you think that's true? That love can't always be enough?"
"Maybe... but Yuki—"
"You're right again. About love. You were probably right the first time, too. Maybe we shouldn't have tried to hide it. Us. But that just proves it won't ever work, doesn't it? We can't be together, no matter what we do."
"Yuki..." The other sounded so sad, and Kyou felt the last of the wall crumble from around his heart. He reached out, pulling his cousin backwards and wrapping his arms around Yuki's slender form. He turned his face into Yuki's hair, inhaling softly, his eyes drifting closed. His cousin had grown, they both had, but he still fit perfectly against Kyou's body, like he was made to be there. "I hate to tell you this, but you're wrong again."
"Wrong?" Yuki asked, and Kyou could feel Yuki's heartbeat through his back as it sped up, strong against his own chest.
"You were trying to protect me, and I didn't realize it. That was my mistake. I thought I could live without you, and that was my mistake, too." The cat lowered his head until he was almost touching Yuki's ear. It had been a long time since they'd been this close, and suddenly nothing seemed more important than being here, now, and sealing every gap that existed between them. "But I won't make a mistake like that again. You mean more to me than anything on earth, and I'll never let you go."
Yuki's voice was weak, breathy. He brought a hand up, clutching Kyou's arm. "Kyou..."
"I love you, Yuki. I love you so much it hurts. If you love me, it will be enough. More than enough."
"And if Akito hurts you because we're together, because I love you so much I couldn't tell you no, what am I supposed to do?" Yuki whispered.
Kyou's breath brushed Yuki's ear, warm and sweet. "Let me worry about that." And he turned Yuki in his arms and closed his lips over his cousin's, kissing Yuki gently, savoring the taste he'd never forgotten. Yuki made a feeble noise, sagging in Kyou's arms, and Kyou tightened his grip, supporting the smaller boy as the kiss deepened and they drank from each other, each one holding the other's life in his kiss. It was thick with love, sweet with forgiveness, and only faintly bitter with known danger, but they clung to each other even after the kiss had ended, the memory lingering on their bruised lips. Kyou held Yuki close, and his cousin buried his face buried in Kyou's neck, shuddering.
"Shh, Yun-chan, it's okay now," Kyou said, stroking Yuki's back.
Yuki nodded without lifting his head and hugged Kyou tighter. "I know. I just ..."
"Don't want to let go?" His cousin nodded again and Kyou smiled, reluctantly pulling his arms back and taking Yuki's hand. "We have plenty of time to catch up. I should take you inside." He turned toward the balcony again, then stopped, glancing back, worried. "Oh... d'you think Shigure and Tohru will be able to tell? That we've made up?"
"I don't know," Yuki said. He pursed his lips, then pulled at Kyou's hand, smiling mischievously. "Let's go tell them."
THE END