After all my problems, I finally overhauled this first chapter. Hurrah. AT
some point this will be completed
Disclaimer: Wish it did but I don't
Bloodied Rain --------------------------------------------------------------------
It's raining. It's raining so hard that it drums on the roof and itlet me know that I was still alive. I'm now sitting those pretty, oh so pretty, gardens of the inn, letting the rain soak my skin and not caring about the wind or feeling miserable. Rain always reminds me of things I don't want to think about. Lots of raindrops running down, like blood, like tears. Her tears
Kanan.
I loved her so much it hurt . but it was passionless. I would have done anything for her and expected nothing in return. I wanted to look after her and she let me do so without question. This made me happy. All the devoted love and hot passion in the world would have meant nothing to me if I couldn't look after her. My innocent. She was child-like, an innocent, and I wanted to keep her that way.
And so did she.
Gojyo and I had a discussion once after much liqueur, beer, and sake and he had wondered what sex with someone whom you were devoted to was like. He said he had never had sex with someone he truly loved deeply. I couldn't tell him. In fact, I feigned illness before I could even attempt to answer that.
Because I had never had sex with anyone I truly loved.
Oh yes, I adored her and love her with all my heart, but never that way. Never the way that makes your blood warm just to look at each other. We did make love a couple of times. Each time I felt so happy beforehand but then afterwards; so dirty and wrong. The first time was the first time for both of us and after that it rarely happened again because there was nothing to feel and the look on her face nearly broke my heart. The fact that she was my sister never really entered the equation. I loved her so much and yet every time we made love I felt I was sullying something precious. So, I stopped. I devoted my energies into my teaching and she remained the sweet child-like woman whom I remained utterly devoted to.
But still .
I envy Gojyo with his ability to gain comfort and love from one-night stands and good food and drink. I envy Goku with his rapturous pleasure every time Sanzo even blinks at him or food arrives. I envy Sanzo for accepting everything without fear or guilt. He once confessed his physical weakness, but his mental strength surpasses him. I want his strength of heart. I don't tell the others this, because it would worry them. To them I am always the calm one. The teacher. The mother. The healer. Despite the anguish with Chin Isou, I never let my mask drop all the way. Instead, I hurt those whom I was supposed to protect.
Sanzo. Gojyo. Goku. Hakuryu.
Gojyo tried to talk to me after that. After Goku had extended my lifelines with the marker pen, he tried to help me, talk to me. I deflected him, closing off my open wounds before he could reach them. Only Gojyo knew, he knew the look on my face before I covered it up; he always sees me in the morning. I'd like to talk to Gojyo now, during our trysts, and learn how to be mentally strong. I want to seek comfort in another's arms as he - and many waitresses chambermaids and others - has done. But I couldn't. Despite my lack of physical love with Kanan, I felt like I would be betraying her blessed memory. I have betrayed her memory. I have sought another.
Betrayal.
I hate what I have become. I have become an empty shell, ever defensive and unwilling to open up to anyone, even those whom I care about so deeply. More to the point I seem only to cause them pain. I'm obsessed with someone who killed herself before I could save her and I failed her even before by resorting to cold-blooded murder. This is why I sit here in the rain. It is fitting punishment for someone who failed in a mission he didn't even have. I run my hands across the scar on my stomach and know what I'm going to do is the right thing to do. It is justified. Justified.
The knife.
It would all go away if I could do it. I would release myself from this pain and others from the burden, which should be mine alone. I would see her again, even if I was consigned to the lowest flames of Hell, I may just be reunited with her briefly. I don't know. I don't care. Besides, it is kinder this way. All the pain would go and they would not worry. No one would miss me. Another healer is easy to find and one that isn't so afraid of life would be better. It's simple it's quick and no one would mind. I could die with grace as Cho Hakkai and atone for Cho Gonou. I have repented as best I can and now my slate needs to be wiped completely clean. In it will go and out I will go.
-------------------------------------- A/N: Now that looks a little better! I always love reviews as well ^_^
Disclaimer: Wish it did but I don't
Bloodied Rain --------------------------------------------------------------------
It's raining. It's raining so hard that it drums on the roof and itlet me know that I was still alive. I'm now sitting those pretty, oh so pretty, gardens of the inn, letting the rain soak my skin and not caring about the wind or feeling miserable. Rain always reminds me of things I don't want to think about. Lots of raindrops running down, like blood, like tears. Her tears
Kanan.
I loved her so much it hurt . but it was passionless. I would have done anything for her and expected nothing in return. I wanted to look after her and she let me do so without question. This made me happy. All the devoted love and hot passion in the world would have meant nothing to me if I couldn't look after her. My innocent. She was child-like, an innocent, and I wanted to keep her that way.
And so did she.
Gojyo and I had a discussion once after much liqueur, beer, and sake and he had wondered what sex with someone whom you were devoted to was like. He said he had never had sex with someone he truly loved deeply. I couldn't tell him. In fact, I feigned illness before I could even attempt to answer that.
Because I had never had sex with anyone I truly loved.
Oh yes, I adored her and love her with all my heart, but never that way. Never the way that makes your blood warm just to look at each other. We did make love a couple of times. Each time I felt so happy beforehand but then afterwards; so dirty and wrong. The first time was the first time for both of us and after that it rarely happened again because there was nothing to feel and the look on her face nearly broke my heart. The fact that she was my sister never really entered the equation. I loved her so much and yet every time we made love I felt I was sullying something precious. So, I stopped. I devoted my energies into my teaching and she remained the sweet child-like woman whom I remained utterly devoted to.
But still .
I envy Gojyo with his ability to gain comfort and love from one-night stands and good food and drink. I envy Goku with his rapturous pleasure every time Sanzo even blinks at him or food arrives. I envy Sanzo for accepting everything without fear or guilt. He once confessed his physical weakness, but his mental strength surpasses him. I want his strength of heart. I don't tell the others this, because it would worry them. To them I am always the calm one. The teacher. The mother. The healer. Despite the anguish with Chin Isou, I never let my mask drop all the way. Instead, I hurt those whom I was supposed to protect.
Sanzo. Gojyo. Goku. Hakuryu.
Gojyo tried to talk to me after that. After Goku had extended my lifelines with the marker pen, he tried to help me, talk to me. I deflected him, closing off my open wounds before he could reach them. Only Gojyo knew, he knew the look on my face before I covered it up; he always sees me in the morning. I'd like to talk to Gojyo now, during our trysts, and learn how to be mentally strong. I want to seek comfort in another's arms as he - and many waitresses chambermaids and others - has done. But I couldn't. Despite my lack of physical love with Kanan, I felt like I would be betraying her blessed memory. I have betrayed her memory. I have sought another.
Betrayal.
I hate what I have become. I have become an empty shell, ever defensive and unwilling to open up to anyone, even those whom I care about so deeply. More to the point I seem only to cause them pain. I'm obsessed with someone who killed herself before I could save her and I failed her even before by resorting to cold-blooded murder. This is why I sit here in the rain. It is fitting punishment for someone who failed in a mission he didn't even have. I run my hands across the scar on my stomach and know what I'm going to do is the right thing to do. It is justified. Justified.
The knife.
It would all go away if I could do it. I would release myself from this pain and others from the burden, which should be mine alone. I would see her again, even if I was consigned to the lowest flames of Hell, I may just be reunited with her briefly. I don't know. I don't care. Besides, it is kinder this way. All the pain would go and they would not worry. No one would miss me. Another healer is easy to find and one that isn't so afraid of life would be better. It's simple it's quick and no one would mind. I could die with grace as Cho Hakkai and atone for Cho Gonou. I have repented as best I can and now my slate needs to be wiped completely clean. In it will go and out I will go.
-------------------------------------- A/N: Now that looks a little better! I always love reviews as well ^_^