Authors Note- Thanks again to everyone who reviewed, I'm going to start responding to them, I just wanted to get further into the fic, before doing so. So you can look for those at hte bottom of each chapter. Any other news... Nope.
Disclaimer- Not ours... anything you think you've heard/seen somewhere else, you probably has, which means it is not ours.
Rating- I'm going to bump this up to PG now... for safety reasons.
Summary- In case you fell asleep during my chapter, Carter and Abby had coffee, Carter talked about his kids, Abby said she wouldn't have kids. Carter's babysitter dumped him... so to speak, and Sam and Carter had a brief moment. Missing anything? I don't know, you can go read the last chapter.
Chapter Four
My feet hit the cement floor with a grinding thump. I didn't get much sleep last night. I couldn't sleep. I got a phone call from my mother last night; she didn't sound all that wonderful. Luka told me to ignore it, but its hard. I can't just ignore my mother. As much as I hate her for everything she put me through, she's still family. I haven't heard from Eric in the longest either but I believe him to be a little more stable. He knows what staying off his meds can do to the people he loves. I doubt that he will purposely try to destroy me. I swirl my coffee around in the paper cup and take a sip. It doesn't have any flavour nor any effect on me. I hold it just to have something to keep my hands from jerking in awkward movements. I look up and see a familiar face. That new doctor. Well not exactly, "new" but new to me. I force a small smile and we meet halfway on the path to the ambulance bay. He seems to be coming from the L; I took a nice long walk.
"Hey." I look up at him and try to force myself to think positively. It can't be done.
"Hi." We walk in a unified step towards the sliding glass doors. I throw my almost full cup of coffee in the trash can and instantly regret doing so. My hands run through my hair every few seconds, annoyed by the thin strands that seem to almost purposely fall back into my eyes to annoy me.
"Are you okay?" I shrug my shoulders. What does he care? I mean he's only known me for what? A few hours? I mean nothing to him; I'd never be good enough to be even considered a friend.
"Yeah. Tired." I force a smile and push the door open into the lounge. I walk to my locker and quickly turn my combination in. It doesn't open. I align the zero's, and try again. Nothing. I can feel the tears swelling in my eyes, but I refuse to cry. No. I can deal with this. It's just a stupid locker. I open Luka's and throw my stuff inside. He never locks his anyway. He won't care. Come on Abby, you've got to pull yourself together. I lean against the cold metal of the door and take a deep breathe. I can run my shift on autopilot. The one thing I am actually good at is saving people. When your in that trauma room, it's like your flying. Nothing else matters but the room, the patient, and doing your part to save them. It's a natural high, a euphoria. It's the only place where I feel needed and secure. I know what I'm doing. I can't screw up. The one and only time I have power over what happens. The rest of the time my life is spinning endlessly out of control and there is nothing there to stop me. I'm falling into a black hole that has no end.
I pull the nurse schedules off the counter and begin to organize them. Nurse manager wasn't a position I had an option of taking; it was forced onto me. I try looking down at the numbers, but they seem to blur together. I can't concentrate. I just want to go home. I lean back and start to fill in the chart. The door swings open and Luka walks in. He gives me a strange look and I pretend to concentrate on the paperwork in front of me.
"You weren't there when I woke up." I flip through some papers and pick my pen back up. I can act really well when I want to.
"I couldn't sleep so I went for a walk." He nods his head, acknowledging my answer. Of course I don't believe he believes me. I wish I could find someone that would understand me without words. Luka's always here for me; he just doesn't understand why half the time. I don't tell him what I'm feeling. That would be letting him get to know the true me. Then he would leave and I would be alone again.
"Abby." I look up at him and meet his gaze. He has a concerned look etched on his face.
"I'm fine. Really." He slightly shakes his head but turns around and walks away. I can't deal with staying in this building. My shift doesn't start until 12. I came in to finish compiling schedules; that doesn't mean that I have to stay here. I take the stack and head towards the door. I'm going to Doc Magoo's. I'll get a fresh cup of coffee and some peace and quiet. I practically run towards the diner and when in, I find a booth in the deepest, darkest corner. It suits me. I order a cup of coffee and start back on my scheduling. The place is pretty empty, besides a few old men at the counter. I squint my eyes, trying to make everything focus.
I look up and see a body walking towards me. He hands me a cup of coffee and I take it. I nod my head towards the empty seat across from me and he sits down. I push the never-ending pile of papers from in front of me.
"On break already?" He gives me a little grin.
"I snuck out." I nod my head and play with my cup. I push my hair behind my ears and reach for a spoon. I put two spoons in and stir gently. I watch him do the same. I take a gentle sip of mine and place it back down. I don't know why I ordered coffee. It probably came by reflex. I look up at him from the corner of my eyes and I can see the forlorn expression on his face.
"I sometimes wonder why we do this everyday." I shrug my shoulders. I think the same thing sometimes too. We have so many medical advances: machinery, equipment, computers. Yet we still can't save everyone that comes through those doors. Families are torn apart in front of our eyes on a daily basis and we can't do anything to stop it.
"We do it because we have hope that not every day will be a bad one." He takes his spoon and begins to twirl it around in his cup. The metal clinks against the glass and gives the room a slow and unheard symphony.
"I used to spend a lot of time here. Between work and Rebecca it seemed like I never left the grounds. This used to be my favourite spot."I can hear the sombre tone in his voice. Those never-healing wounds that never seem to heal. They follow you everywhere you go; a burden that you can never loose. I lean back into my seat and pull my cup closer to me. My hands trace the patters of the mug. The hair is heavy with the smell of cigarette smoke and greasy food. I look out towards the hospital and watch an ambulance pull up.
"Sometimes I think I should have become an accountant or something." He matches my gaze and I can feel this unnatural chill run through my body.
"That's always an option." I roll my eyes; anything to break away from him.
"Yeah, if I could balance a check book..." He takes another gulp of his coffee and then places the empty cup on the edge of the table.
"You learn to take a single step each day, hoping each day will get better. It never does."
He took the words straight out of my mind, out of my mouth, out of me. I watch him get up and walk out the door, never looking back. No one has ever been able to do that. To understand me. I'm only poor miserable Abby with the messed up family. I fashioned myself to be callous to the outside world. I can't let anyone see who I really am, or rather, who I'm really not. I think he just broke through the surface in under a second. It scares the hell out of me.
~Review Responses~
Duckygirl- Thanks. We plan on continuing this...
aurora- Heh, nope Abby's not dead.
Maven - Thanks, we try to come up with ideas that haven't been used before.
Marina- Thank you, thats what we go for.
Lilkimi88- we will write, if you will read?
(person didn't sign in/ leave a name)- It is sad, but don't worry we plan on fixing that.
(person didn't sign in/ leave a name)- We will continue:)
trish- Thank You! thank You! Thank you!
Thanks to everyone else, who is reading!
Disclaimer- Not ours... anything you think you've heard/seen somewhere else, you probably has, which means it is not ours.
Rating- I'm going to bump this up to PG now... for safety reasons.
Summary- In case you fell asleep during my chapter, Carter and Abby had coffee, Carter talked about his kids, Abby said she wouldn't have kids. Carter's babysitter dumped him... so to speak, and Sam and Carter had a brief moment. Missing anything? I don't know, you can go read the last chapter.
Chapter Four
My feet hit the cement floor with a grinding thump. I didn't get much sleep last night. I couldn't sleep. I got a phone call from my mother last night; she didn't sound all that wonderful. Luka told me to ignore it, but its hard. I can't just ignore my mother. As much as I hate her for everything she put me through, she's still family. I haven't heard from Eric in the longest either but I believe him to be a little more stable. He knows what staying off his meds can do to the people he loves. I doubt that he will purposely try to destroy me. I swirl my coffee around in the paper cup and take a sip. It doesn't have any flavour nor any effect on me. I hold it just to have something to keep my hands from jerking in awkward movements. I look up and see a familiar face. That new doctor. Well not exactly, "new" but new to me. I force a small smile and we meet halfway on the path to the ambulance bay. He seems to be coming from the L; I took a nice long walk.
"Hey." I look up at him and try to force myself to think positively. It can't be done.
"Hi." We walk in a unified step towards the sliding glass doors. I throw my almost full cup of coffee in the trash can and instantly regret doing so. My hands run through my hair every few seconds, annoyed by the thin strands that seem to almost purposely fall back into my eyes to annoy me.
"Are you okay?" I shrug my shoulders. What does he care? I mean he's only known me for what? A few hours? I mean nothing to him; I'd never be good enough to be even considered a friend.
"Yeah. Tired." I force a smile and push the door open into the lounge. I walk to my locker and quickly turn my combination in. It doesn't open. I align the zero's, and try again. Nothing. I can feel the tears swelling in my eyes, but I refuse to cry. No. I can deal with this. It's just a stupid locker. I open Luka's and throw my stuff inside. He never locks his anyway. He won't care. Come on Abby, you've got to pull yourself together. I lean against the cold metal of the door and take a deep breathe. I can run my shift on autopilot. The one thing I am actually good at is saving people. When your in that trauma room, it's like your flying. Nothing else matters but the room, the patient, and doing your part to save them. It's a natural high, a euphoria. It's the only place where I feel needed and secure. I know what I'm doing. I can't screw up. The one and only time I have power over what happens. The rest of the time my life is spinning endlessly out of control and there is nothing there to stop me. I'm falling into a black hole that has no end.
I pull the nurse schedules off the counter and begin to organize them. Nurse manager wasn't a position I had an option of taking; it was forced onto me. I try looking down at the numbers, but they seem to blur together. I can't concentrate. I just want to go home. I lean back and start to fill in the chart. The door swings open and Luka walks in. He gives me a strange look and I pretend to concentrate on the paperwork in front of me.
"You weren't there when I woke up." I flip through some papers and pick my pen back up. I can act really well when I want to.
"I couldn't sleep so I went for a walk." He nods his head, acknowledging my answer. Of course I don't believe he believes me. I wish I could find someone that would understand me without words. Luka's always here for me; he just doesn't understand why half the time. I don't tell him what I'm feeling. That would be letting him get to know the true me. Then he would leave and I would be alone again.
"Abby." I look up at him and meet his gaze. He has a concerned look etched on his face.
"I'm fine. Really." He slightly shakes his head but turns around and walks away. I can't deal with staying in this building. My shift doesn't start until 12. I came in to finish compiling schedules; that doesn't mean that I have to stay here. I take the stack and head towards the door. I'm going to Doc Magoo's. I'll get a fresh cup of coffee and some peace and quiet. I practically run towards the diner and when in, I find a booth in the deepest, darkest corner. It suits me. I order a cup of coffee and start back on my scheduling. The place is pretty empty, besides a few old men at the counter. I squint my eyes, trying to make everything focus.
I look up and see a body walking towards me. He hands me a cup of coffee and I take it. I nod my head towards the empty seat across from me and he sits down. I push the never-ending pile of papers from in front of me.
"On break already?" He gives me a little grin.
"I snuck out." I nod my head and play with my cup. I push my hair behind my ears and reach for a spoon. I put two spoons in and stir gently. I watch him do the same. I take a gentle sip of mine and place it back down. I don't know why I ordered coffee. It probably came by reflex. I look up at him from the corner of my eyes and I can see the forlorn expression on his face.
"I sometimes wonder why we do this everyday." I shrug my shoulders. I think the same thing sometimes too. We have so many medical advances: machinery, equipment, computers. Yet we still can't save everyone that comes through those doors. Families are torn apart in front of our eyes on a daily basis and we can't do anything to stop it.
"We do it because we have hope that not every day will be a bad one." He takes his spoon and begins to twirl it around in his cup. The metal clinks against the glass and gives the room a slow and unheard symphony.
"I used to spend a lot of time here. Between work and Rebecca it seemed like I never left the grounds. This used to be my favourite spot."I can hear the sombre tone in his voice. Those never-healing wounds that never seem to heal. They follow you everywhere you go; a burden that you can never loose. I lean back into my seat and pull my cup closer to me. My hands trace the patters of the mug. The hair is heavy with the smell of cigarette smoke and greasy food. I look out towards the hospital and watch an ambulance pull up.
"Sometimes I think I should have become an accountant or something." He matches my gaze and I can feel this unnatural chill run through my body.
"That's always an option." I roll my eyes; anything to break away from him.
"Yeah, if I could balance a check book..." He takes another gulp of his coffee and then places the empty cup on the edge of the table.
"You learn to take a single step each day, hoping each day will get better. It never does."
He took the words straight out of my mind, out of my mouth, out of me. I watch him get up and walk out the door, never looking back. No one has ever been able to do that. To understand me. I'm only poor miserable Abby with the messed up family. I fashioned myself to be callous to the outside world. I can't let anyone see who I really am, or rather, who I'm really not. I think he just broke through the surface in under a second. It scares the hell out of me.
~Review Responses~
Duckygirl- Thanks. We plan on continuing this...
aurora- Heh, nope Abby's not dead.
Maven - Thanks, we try to come up with ideas that haven't been used before.
Marina- Thank you, thats what we go for.
Lilkimi88- we will write, if you will read?
(person didn't sign in/ leave a name)- It is sad, but don't worry we plan on fixing that.
(person didn't sign in/ leave a name)- We will continue:)
trish- Thank You! thank You! Thank you!
Thanks to everyone else, who is reading!