Chapter Six
I place gentle kisses along his stomach and chest, leading up to his lips. My hands run through his dark brown hair, his hands are tracing my body. I can feel the weight of the day disappearing from me. He flips me around, getting on top of me. All the power I had just slipped through my fingers; I'm a vulnerable child again. The weight of his body pins me to the soft bed in the darkened room. His mouth teases my nipple; nibbling and biting. I want to feel physical pain to make the mental pain go away. His tongue traces rough kisses down my thighs before he parts them. I have no control over what he does to me. I let him do whatever he wants. He deserves it; he put up with me. I arch my back in await for the penetrating pain that will slowly happen. I feel him begin to slip into me and gain a steady rhythm. I copy his movements; no emotion on my part is put on. It's a routine I've grown to love. It takes me away from my thoughts for a minute; I'm thankful for the times I'm lost in the subconscious. He forces me and pushes me; kisses me and caresses me; he manipulates me into someone I'm not. He has a vision in his mind of who I am. I hear his breathing increase; his heart is pounding against my sore breasts. I can feel it. I can feel him hurting me. And he stops. He gives me one last kiss and climbs off me, pulling me into his warm arms. His finger play with my nipples, his lips shedding kisses along my shoulders. I'm his wife in his mind. I catch him thinking about her at times; he pulls out pictures. His children look so much like a perfect mix of the two of them. I turns towards him, running my finger along his face.
"Don't go."
He pulls me closer to him, another kiss on my forehead.
"I have to. Their waiting for me."
He can't leave me. I don't know how I'll get on without him. He's my one source of comfort through the storm that is my life. He's going to go. He wants nothing to do with me anymore. This is his way out. I should have known from the beginning.
"They'll be fine without you. They are being taken-care of..."
My arms are wrapped completely around his body. I'm suddenly freezing cold and his body is only a block of ice pushing me farther and farther away.
"People are dying..."
I squint back tears. Why is he doing this to me? Is this supposed to be some form of torture?
"You could die."
I feel him shrug his shoulders slightly. I know he doesn't care. He's lost everything he's ever wanted to live for: his wife, his children, his life. He has no reason to want to come back and torture himself any longer. I will never fill those empty spots he has. I'm not worthy of doing such a miraculous thing. If I had only allowed myself to love him more maybe he would stay. Regrets drown me in their daily downpours.
"I'm only going for 3 months..."
No it won't. If I'll be up in the middle of the night wondering if he is still alive. The Congo is a war zone. Millions of people have lost their lives there; he would be made one of them. He would be thrown into a pile of dead bodies and burned. No one would now. I would suffer myself. He's become a part of me whether or not I choose to acknowledge it. I take a deep breathe; my mouth speaks words my mind had thrown aside days before.
"I'm not going to be here waiting for you."
I push myself out of his secure arms into the bitter cold of the apartment. I search for anything to cover my shivering body. I can't see in the dim light. I can feel his eyes burning through me.
"Abby..."
I finally find my clothes that had been tactfully discarded at the edge of the bedroom. I quickly pull on my underwear and pants before he can reach me. I need to get out of here; away from him. I feel his touch on my arm. He pulls me closer to him. My breasts are against his chest, my cheek rests upon his shoulder. I turn around and start to put on my bra. My shift comes over my head and he's still on my heels.
"I just..."
I turn around, I can see his brown pools in the light from the street.
"You just wanted to turn me into something I'm not. You just wanted to fix me or to save me... You just felt sorry for me... I don't care anymore."
I take my purse from the table by the door. He makes no effort to follow me. I slam the door loudly and jet down the stairs. I have no place to go; no intentions in mind. I start a slow walk down the yellow brick road. I don't know where I"m headed neither do I want to think about it. The night is cold and windy, a storm is sure to set in before morning. I wrap my arms closer around myself. I only have a thin sweater on; it was the only thing I could grab before I ran out of our apartment. I keep on walking. I pass blocks and houses, parks and shops. I wish I knew where my life was headed. I wish I knew where I was headed in general. I finally realize where I am. How close I am yet so stubborn and oblivious to the fact. I walk up the stairs to the dark brick building and open the door. The steps are covered in a horrid-color carpet yet are of some consolation to me. I knock on the door gentle and wait. What am I doing here? Everyone's probably asleep. I start to turn around and the door opens. I meet gazes with the blonde woman standing in front of me and she instantly understands. She pulls me into her arms and I can finally let go.
I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I refuse to cry. I let out a small sigh and the tears begin to pool up again. Her hands run up and down my back and I've found a permanent fixture on her shoulder for support.
"Susan?"
I hear another voice echo from across the room. It sounds so familiar. I look up and see Carter standing there. His expression instantly changes; he walks up closer to make sure it's the Abby he knows breaking down in front of him. I'm passed away from Susan to his arms. I feel light on my feet, then I realize he's carrying me towards the sofa. I can't bring myself to look at him. I don't know what it is; he's got some type of power over me that I can't explain. I feel him place my body on the sofa and slowly walk away. I hear their two voices in the kitchen but they die out after a few second. I see a cup being set in front of me; the scent tells me its some type of herbal tea. Susan makes her way near me and places my head into her lap. I curl up, finally feeling secure. I close my eyes and the tears finally float down my cheeks. She wipes them away. I hear her whisper goodnight to an area near the door and I look there. He's clad in a coat with his son and daughter on both arms. They are asleep and he's doing his best to manoeuvre his way out the door. I feel a tight feeling in my stomach. Months of denial and guilt came flooding back to me. I can't handle this all tonight. I finally hear the door shut and a warm blanket is thrown over my body. She places a pillow under my head but I know I'm not going to get any sleep. She turns the light off and I open my eyes. I stare out the open window towards the darkness in the world outside.
There is no hope in this world. I'm lost. I will always be a burden to whoever knows me. I don't deserve to be loved or cared for. I don't deserve the friendship or companionship of anyone. I deserve to be forever alone so I cannot impart my misery onto anyone else.
I hear a knocking at the door and my mind stops wandering. I push the blankets away and walk towards it. Susan's light is off, she's probably asleep. I open the door, trying to at least look half alive, which is more than what I am feeling right now. I open the door and it's Carter. I look down at the floor, around the walls, at the door, anything to avoid his eyes.
"I left my daughter's stuffed bear on the sofa. She won't sleep without it."
I nod my head lightly and head back to the living room. I half expected him to follow me, but he doesn't. I find the bear sitting on a chair by the coffee table. I take it into my arms and walk back to the door. I hand him the bear and he looks away towards the stairs.
"Thanks."
I nod my head and begin to turn around.
"Abby?"
I look at him for a second after my name rolls off his tongue. I shrug my shoulders and wait for him to say something. He starts to open his mouth to say something else, but decides against it. I look away and he starts the journey towards the stairs. He holds the bear in his hands and I watch him walk away. I shut the door and lock it. I lean against it and I can feel all the pain sending me down to the floor. I curl up and place my head on my knees. I wish I wasn't alive.
I place gentle kisses along his stomach and chest, leading up to his lips. My hands run through his dark brown hair, his hands are tracing my body. I can feel the weight of the day disappearing from me. He flips me around, getting on top of me. All the power I had just slipped through my fingers; I'm a vulnerable child again. The weight of his body pins me to the soft bed in the darkened room. His mouth teases my nipple; nibbling and biting. I want to feel physical pain to make the mental pain go away. His tongue traces rough kisses down my thighs before he parts them. I have no control over what he does to me. I let him do whatever he wants. He deserves it; he put up with me. I arch my back in await for the penetrating pain that will slowly happen. I feel him begin to slip into me and gain a steady rhythm. I copy his movements; no emotion on my part is put on. It's a routine I've grown to love. It takes me away from my thoughts for a minute; I'm thankful for the times I'm lost in the subconscious. He forces me and pushes me; kisses me and caresses me; he manipulates me into someone I'm not. He has a vision in his mind of who I am. I hear his breathing increase; his heart is pounding against my sore breasts. I can feel it. I can feel him hurting me. And he stops. He gives me one last kiss and climbs off me, pulling me into his warm arms. His finger play with my nipples, his lips shedding kisses along my shoulders. I'm his wife in his mind. I catch him thinking about her at times; he pulls out pictures. His children look so much like a perfect mix of the two of them. I turns towards him, running my finger along his face.
"Don't go."
He pulls me closer to him, another kiss on my forehead.
"I have to. Their waiting for me."
He can't leave me. I don't know how I'll get on without him. He's my one source of comfort through the storm that is my life. He's going to go. He wants nothing to do with me anymore. This is his way out. I should have known from the beginning.
"They'll be fine without you. They are being taken-care of..."
My arms are wrapped completely around his body. I'm suddenly freezing cold and his body is only a block of ice pushing me farther and farther away.
"People are dying..."
I squint back tears. Why is he doing this to me? Is this supposed to be some form of torture?
"You could die."
I feel him shrug his shoulders slightly. I know he doesn't care. He's lost everything he's ever wanted to live for: his wife, his children, his life. He has no reason to want to come back and torture himself any longer. I will never fill those empty spots he has. I'm not worthy of doing such a miraculous thing. If I had only allowed myself to love him more maybe he would stay. Regrets drown me in their daily downpours.
"I'm only going for 3 months..."
No it won't. If I'll be up in the middle of the night wondering if he is still alive. The Congo is a war zone. Millions of people have lost their lives there; he would be made one of them. He would be thrown into a pile of dead bodies and burned. No one would now. I would suffer myself. He's become a part of me whether or not I choose to acknowledge it. I take a deep breathe; my mouth speaks words my mind had thrown aside days before.
"I'm not going to be here waiting for you."
I push myself out of his secure arms into the bitter cold of the apartment. I search for anything to cover my shivering body. I can't see in the dim light. I can feel his eyes burning through me.
"Abby..."
I finally find my clothes that had been tactfully discarded at the edge of the bedroom. I quickly pull on my underwear and pants before he can reach me. I need to get out of here; away from him. I feel his touch on my arm. He pulls me closer to him. My breasts are against his chest, my cheek rests upon his shoulder. I turn around and start to put on my bra. My shift comes over my head and he's still on my heels.
"I just..."
I turn around, I can see his brown pools in the light from the street.
"You just wanted to turn me into something I'm not. You just wanted to fix me or to save me... You just felt sorry for me... I don't care anymore."
I take my purse from the table by the door. He makes no effort to follow me. I slam the door loudly and jet down the stairs. I have no place to go; no intentions in mind. I start a slow walk down the yellow brick road. I don't know where I"m headed neither do I want to think about it. The night is cold and windy, a storm is sure to set in before morning. I wrap my arms closer around myself. I only have a thin sweater on; it was the only thing I could grab before I ran out of our apartment. I keep on walking. I pass blocks and houses, parks and shops. I wish I knew where my life was headed. I wish I knew where I was headed in general. I finally realize where I am. How close I am yet so stubborn and oblivious to the fact. I walk up the stairs to the dark brick building and open the door. The steps are covered in a horrid-color carpet yet are of some consolation to me. I knock on the door gentle and wait. What am I doing here? Everyone's probably asleep. I start to turn around and the door opens. I meet gazes with the blonde woman standing in front of me and she instantly understands. She pulls me into her arms and I can finally let go.
I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I refuse to cry. I let out a small sigh and the tears begin to pool up again. Her hands run up and down my back and I've found a permanent fixture on her shoulder for support.
"Susan?"
I hear another voice echo from across the room. It sounds so familiar. I look up and see Carter standing there. His expression instantly changes; he walks up closer to make sure it's the Abby he knows breaking down in front of him. I'm passed away from Susan to his arms. I feel light on my feet, then I realize he's carrying me towards the sofa. I can't bring myself to look at him. I don't know what it is; he's got some type of power over me that I can't explain. I feel him place my body on the sofa and slowly walk away. I hear their two voices in the kitchen but they die out after a few second. I see a cup being set in front of me; the scent tells me its some type of herbal tea. Susan makes her way near me and places my head into her lap. I curl up, finally feeling secure. I close my eyes and the tears finally float down my cheeks. She wipes them away. I hear her whisper goodnight to an area near the door and I look there. He's clad in a coat with his son and daughter on both arms. They are asleep and he's doing his best to manoeuvre his way out the door. I feel a tight feeling in my stomach. Months of denial and guilt came flooding back to me. I can't handle this all tonight. I finally hear the door shut and a warm blanket is thrown over my body. She places a pillow under my head but I know I'm not going to get any sleep. She turns the light off and I open my eyes. I stare out the open window towards the darkness in the world outside.
There is no hope in this world. I'm lost. I will always be a burden to whoever knows me. I don't deserve to be loved or cared for. I don't deserve the friendship or companionship of anyone. I deserve to be forever alone so I cannot impart my misery onto anyone else.
I hear a knocking at the door and my mind stops wandering. I push the blankets away and walk towards it. Susan's light is off, she's probably asleep. I open the door, trying to at least look half alive, which is more than what I am feeling right now. I open the door and it's Carter. I look down at the floor, around the walls, at the door, anything to avoid his eyes.
"I left my daughter's stuffed bear on the sofa. She won't sleep without it."
I nod my head lightly and head back to the living room. I half expected him to follow me, but he doesn't. I find the bear sitting on a chair by the coffee table. I take it into my arms and walk back to the door. I hand him the bear and he looks away towards the stairs.
"Thanks."
I nod my head and begin to turn around.
"Abby?"
I look at him for a second after my name rolls off his tongue. I shrug my shoulders and wait for him to say something. He starts to open his mouth to say something else, but decides against it. I look away and he starts the journey towards the stairs. He holds the bear in his hands and I watch him walk away. I shut the door and lock it. I lean against it and I can feel all the pain sending me down to the floor. I curl up and place my head on my knees. I wish I wasn't alive.