Trapped in an Elevator

by Erestor

Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to Lord of the Rings.

Author's Note: I'm sorry to say that this chapter ended up being more dramatic than amusing, but it will hopefully still be enjoyable. There will only be one more chapter after this one.

4:53 AM

Today is my third day of being on Mirkwood's 'Most Wanted List'. However, Lord Elrond has granted me asylum in Imladris, so I'm doing quite well. I'm still a security guard. I'm still bored.

Glorfindel's hair was put out all too soon. I asked him how he'd managed to set it on fire, but he just said that he had some important work to do, and hurried off.

I'm bored. I'm depressed. I'm sick of sitting in this dark little room watching the boring security cameras, and depressing news updates. I wish something interesting would happen.

Legolas was sneaking around the palace of Mirkwood. He was holding a videotape tightly in one hand. He was jumpy and tense.

His father had been looking for Erestor everywhere, but by now it seemed that he had made it the Havens and across the sea to Valinor. King Thranduil was not pleased. Erestor was the Elf who had sold Legolas the videotape of Thranduil punching a Dwarf. Now Legolas was going to get rid of the footage forever.

He was going to sell it to Lord Celeborn.

Lord Celeborn and King Thranduil had never been the best of friends, not since the day that Celeborn had 'accidently' pinned Thranduil to a door with a serving fork. (The serving fork had not actually gone through Thranduil, but it had gone through his favorite cloak.) Thranduil had been stuck to the door for about five minutes while his bodyguards tried to pry the serving fork out of the hard wood. By the time the reporters had showed up, Thranduil had been chasing Celeborn around the stately dining hall with a carving knife. This incident had swiftly made it's way to the news and Thranduil had been forced to apologize on universal television. (Later on, Thranduil had mailed Celeborn a dead leaf, which is considered a very great threat in Elven circles, and a beautiful little fork, set with gems.)

So they hated each other.

Legolas was not very fond of Celeborn, but he was annoyed with his father, and felt like getting revenge. He also felt like getting money, and Celeborn would pay a lot to get a videotape of King Thranduil making a fool of himself.

He sat down on a bench and waited.

7:30 AM

"Lord Celeborn," said Glorfindel hurriedly, "you shouldn't go in there. Three days ago, that elevator. . ."

"Glorfindel, I'm busy," Celeborn said firmly. "I don't have time for this."

With a feeling of dread, Glorfindel watched Celeborn step into Elevator C.

Glorfindel just telephoned. Apparently Elevator C got stuck again. And apparently Lord Celeborn is in there.

Glorfindel just telephoned again. Not only is the Lord of Lothlorien in Elevator C, but so is King Éomer and Lord Elrond.

I had better begin taping this.

Celeborn's mind was racing frantically. He was trapped in an elevator. In fact, this was the elevator that King Thranduil had been trapped in for two whole hours. And even as he was stuck in the elevator, his secret agent Haldir was purchasing the videotape of King Thranduil being stuck in an elevator.

It was very ironic somehow.

King Éomer was reading various inscriptions on the walls. He was naturally rather interested to see what Merry had written, since the Hobbit was a Rider of the Mark. By the time he had seen the words 'Rohan stinks' and 'horses are stupid' on the wall, he was downright annoyed. This was traitorous!

Of course, Merry might have been slightly deranged at the time. Everyone knew what the stress had done to the King of Mirkwood.

Meanwhile, Lord Elrond quickly dialed a telephone number on his cell-phone.

"Erestor speaking," said a voice.

"This is Lord Elrond," said the Lord of Imladris grimly.

Legolas was very pleased with himself. The currency Celeborn used in Lothlorien was worth a whole lot more in Mirkwood. He was now a very rich little Elf. He danced lightly down the stairs to his bedroom, to gloat over his new bank account.

Legolas wondered what his father would do if he discovered that his son was a double-crosser. Legolas decided that it would be best if his father did not find out. The prince didn't want to be on Mirkwood's 'Most Wanted List'.

Even as Legolas had his hand on the doorknob of his bedroom, Thranduil dashed down the corridor. "Guess what, Legolas!" he yelled delightedly. "The Valar have answered my prayers! Lord Celeborn has been trapped in an elevator!"

Legolas stared at his father in surprise. "Lord Celeborn? He is stuck?"

Thranduil nodded. "I wonder if someone has this on the security camera."

"Oh. Lord Elrond," said Erestor. He sounded very tentative. "Are you all right?"

"The question is," said Elrond threateningly, "will you be all right?"

There was a long silence. Then Erestor said, "What do you want me to do?"

"Can you see us on the security camera?" asked Elrond.

"Yes."

"Then turn it off," ordered Elrond.

"But I can't do that," said Erestor. "If one of you. . .get's hurt. . .or passes out or something, no one will know unless I'm watching."

"That's a good excuse," snapped Elrond, almost sarcastic, but mostly just annoyed. "What are you going to do with security tape?"

There was another pause.

"Well?" demanded Elrond.

"I'm going to watch it in my office," said Erestor.

"You aren't going to sell it? Or show it to anyone?"

8:06 AM

Elrond telephoned a few minutes ago, but eventually I was forced to hang up on him. He was asking rather unpleasant questions, insinuating that I would actually sell the security footage to someone! As if I would. . .

The one that I'm mostly interested in watching is Lord Celeborn. I feel a bit guilty about nearly blackmailing Thranduil, and I'd like to make it up to him. . .for a price, of course.

They haven't really done anything yet. Éomer is still staring at the walls, which I wish I'd forced Merry to clean off. He drew pictures all over them, and wrote several rather risky remarks. Remarks that it probably would have been best for the King of Rohan not to see. Elrond keeps on trying to telephone me again, but I ingeniously remembered to leave my phone off the hook, so all he'll get is a busy signal. As for Celeborn, he seems to be in shock. I wished he'd do something.

Once again, I'm bored. All these wonderful situations get so dull after a while. If I'd been allowed to choose who got stuck there, I would have added a few more Dwarves to the mix. Nothing gets Elves quite as hyped up as a bunch of Dwarves.

That gives me an idea. I wonder what Celeborn's cell-phone number is.

Lord Elrond was getting tired of trying to telephone Erestor. He couldn't believe that he'd actually given the Elf asylum! That had been a foolish move. Erestor would obviously turn against anyone when there was money involved.

Well, then, it was time to turned against Erestor.

8:45 AM

Thranduil was still feeling very happy and bouncy when Lord Elrond telephoned him. "Hello, this is the king of Mirkwood speaking," he said cheerfully.

"I'm Lord Elrond," said the Elf-lord. "I heard that you were trying to track down an Elf by the name of Erestor?"

He let the question hang in the airwaves for a moment.

"Yes, I was," said Thranduil.

"Well, I can tell you exactly where he is," said Elrond, savoring the sweet taste of revenge.

9:01 AM

"Hello, Lord Celeborn, this is Erestor speaking," said Erestor.

Celeborn was leaning against a wall. He had been trapped for about an hour and a half. He knew he was going crazy just imagining what could be going on outside the elevator. Contact with the world was very welcome. "Hello, Erestor," he said.

On the other side of the cramped room, Elrond glanced at the Elf-lord sharply.

Erestor sounded very upset. "Lord Celeborn!" he gasped miserably. "I'm so sorry!"

Celeborn sat up. "About what?"

"Well," Erestor panted, nearly sobbing, "a bunch of Dwarves broke into my office. They've carried away the security camera that you're on! I'm afraid that this situation is going to broadcast all over the entire Dwarven world!"

Celeborn was absolutely horrified.

"And we were all trying to hush it up!" wailed Erestor.

"Calm down, Erestor," said Celeborn, trying not to hyperventilate.

Elrond, with his sharp Elven ears, could hear the whole conversation perfectly. This was brilliant! In a few minutes, Thranduil would have Erestor carted away, and even now, Celeborn was probably on Dwarvish television.

Then it occurred to Elrond that he would be on Dwarvish television as well.

I've telephoned Celeborn and put my plan into action. He's certain that Dwarves are watching everything he does, and hopefully the pressure will make him lose his mind completely.

I really should be an actor.

9:14 AM

"Is Imladris surrounded?" asked Thranduil.

The general of the Mirkwood's army replied in the affirmative.

"Very well, then," said Thranduil happily. "You are looking for a dark haired, dark eyed Elf, probably wearing black. He should have a security camera with him. I want you to get that Elf and bring him to Mirkwood by airplane. This is a very important mission. . .Oh, and please remember to bring the security camera with you as well."

"You idiot!" yelled Celeborn. "This is all your fault!"

"My fault?" Both Elrond and Éomer turned on the Elf-lord furiously.

"Yes," said Celeborn angrily. "It's your fault! Erestor is your Elf, right? It's your security camera, right? And this is your stupid elevator, right?"

Elrond was not amused. "Well, if you hadn't. . .hadn't. . ." Elrond realized he wasn't sure what to say. "Anyway, it's not my fault! It's all Erestor's fault! He's a security guard!"

"Elrond," said Celeborn, trying to sound calm, and failing miserably, "Erestor is a political refugee! Not a security guard! You shouldn't have trusted him!"

Perfect. Elrond and Celeborn are killing each other.

And someone's trying to break down my door.

10:01 AM

The minutes felt like hours. Thranduil had to know if the mission had been successful! Legolas was looking rather sick, and he couldn't imagine why.

Legolas was feeling awful. If Thranduil's soldiers captured Erestor, then the King might find out a few other things. Legolas decided that he should go and pack a bag, just in case.

Elrond's nose hurt and he had a black eye. He telephoned Glorfindel. "Glorfindel!" he yelled.

"Yes, my lord?"

"You better get us out of here! We've been trapped in an elevator for two and a half hours!"

"Are you all right?"

Elrond glanced at Celeborn, who was trying to get his nose to stop bleeding. "We're fine," he said. "But we're sick of waiting in here."

Glorfindel obviously had something else to report, because he didn't end the conversation. "Umm. . .Lord Elrond?" he asked.

"What?" asked Elrond.

"We haven't been able to fix the elevator because about forty-five minutes ago, lots of soldiers from Mirkwood broke into Imladris," said Glorfindel. "We've been trying to hold them back."

"Don't bother," said Elrond. "Just give them Erestor."

"What?" asked Glorfindel, sounding shocked.

"They've obviously declared war because of Erestor's security tape," said Elrond. "All they want is that Elf. Hand him over to them."

"Very well, Lord Elrond," said Glorfindel slowly.

10:37 AM

The elevator doors opened.

Celeborn stepped out first, after a brief scuffle with Elrond, in which some people got their hair pulled. Éomer came next, because he was a king. He was limping slightly, and muttering threats about Merry. Elrond was last, looking rather tired, but strangely triumphant. He looked at Glorfindel and the other security guards with an unusual gleam in his eyes. "Don't bother to close the elevator off," he said calmly. "Just warn the Elves of Imladris not to use it."

Glorfindel nodded.

Erestor was led into Thranduil's hall. He was cradling his small security television protectively, and his sharp eyes took in every detail. Thranduil was delighted to see that security television.

Legolas tried very hard not to look at Erestor. Would the Elf tell Thranduil about the prince's blackmailing scheme?

"Erestor!" said Thranduil pleasantly. "I'm so happy to see you!"

Erestor bowed.

"They say that crime doesn't pay," continued the Elvenking, who'd obviously been practicing his little speech. "But that statement is not true. Crime certainly pays."

Legolas's mouth was open. He shut it.

"It pays me, at least," added Thranduil. "I would love to have a videotape of Celeborn going insane while trapped in an elevator."

"I thought you might, your highness," said Erestor. He gently put the security television on the floor. Then he turned and walked away.

Celeborn was sitting on a swivel chair. He spun around on it once. He had learned about Erestor's lie. The Dwarves did not have the security camera. The Elves of Mirkwood did.

He was dead.

He spun around again.

Thranduil would blackmail him.

He spun around again.

Elrond would declared war on him.

He spun around again.

His wife, in Valinor, would be sure to hear about it all, and she would go crazy.

He spun around once more, and then took a moment to regain his balance and uncross his eyes.

Then he took out his laptop.

"Thranduil," he typed, "your son sold me the footage of you attacking a Dwarf. I'm sure that many people would love to see it, particularly other Dwarves. I will be willing to return the videotape, if you give me the one that I am on." He sent the e-mail, hoping only to postpone the inevitable.

12:11 PM

Thranduil watched the video three times. It was rather funny. But it was dangerous. He would probably have to destroy it.

But when he checked his e-mails, he got a terrible shock. His son was a traitor!

Actually, he'd always suspected.

2:00 PM (The next day)

Three Elves sat around a table, drinking wine and smiling genially at each other. A fire blazed cheerfully in the hearth, two videotapes melting slowly into a twisted lump of plastic.

"I must admit," said Elrond blandly, "that I didn't think we would be able to solve this conflict."

Thranduil and Celeborn nodded.

"But I was wrong," finished Elrond. "We were actually capable of getting along."

Thranduil and Celeborn nodded again, eyeing each other warily. They were not quite capable of getting along, but they were capable of sitting down together without trying to kill the other. That was progress.

However, Thranduil's eyes were fixed rather nervously on the serving fork on the table. Celeborn kept on glancing at the carving knife that was stuck in the roast turkey. Elrond took another sip of wine, unaware of what was going on.

"To elevators!" said Elrond, raising his glass.

Thranduil and Celeborn exchanged a glance. "To elevators," they echoed.

I am a nasty, horrid, wicked Elf. I should be locked up.

Of course, Glorfindel has already mentioned this. He said, "I know one kind of asylum you should be in, Erestor."

I have such a charming friend.

I'm hardly bored this time. I've found a lovely little cave to live in. It's rather near Imladris, but no one should ever find me. After a few more days, I'll bribe Elrond to let me come home.

I can't say that I was trying to cause as much trouble as I actually did. It was an accidental bonus. And I certainly can't say that I thought I'd get away with it.

Actually, I don't know if I have gotten away with it yet. There are a few Elves out there who are hunting me down.

But my life has certainly become more exciting.

TO BE CONTINUED