Authors Note- Hey, no review responses today either, I am so sorry, but I have been pressed for time, when posting the lsat few chapters... But look for them tomorrow, cause they will most likely be in that chapter. Thanks to everyone who reviewed/ Liby wrote this chapter, she writes Abby I write Carter, for those who weren't sure. Anyways here you go. Oh you will notice I bumped the rating up to R, there is some language and sexual content in previous chapters, and in chapters to come, so just so you know. Thanks...
Chapter Fourteen
I hear the door slam on all the hope I had. He's just like the rest. I don't' know why I push people away, but I really thought he would stay around. But he didn't. No big surprise. I curl my foot under me and sit down on the soft couch. The blankets and pillows from the last night still litter the room; I'll clean up later. I just realized I have an aching headache, and a shift in a little less than six hours that will go 36 hours straight. I need to take at least one really long nap. I reach for my purse under the coffee table and start shifting through it for the bottle of Tylenol I should have in there. Something catches my attention and I pull out the picture of Sebastian. I look at his toothless grin and want to simply laugh. I put my bag down and sit back on the sofa with the picture between my fingers. I can't stop looking at what I could have had. It would never have worked. I flip it between my index finger and my ring finger. I can't stand it anymore. I wish I wasn't who I am.
I take the picture and stuff it into a random book I find in my side table. I'll be an old lady, alone and miserable, and when that picture falls out, I'll remember. I'll remember what a screw-up I really am. I could have had it all: a white picket fence, a handsome husband, children running around the backyard and the dog barking in the background. I could have had it all. And I was forced into having none of it. I take my Tylenol from my lap and walk into the kitchen to get something to drink it down with. I shift through my shelves looking for tea, but I can't find any. Yet the shine of the bottle catches my eye from the very back of the shelf. It's almost empty, might as well just finish it. I know the temptation won't leave me. I take out a glass and pour the rest of the clear bitter liquid into it. I pour a little big of juice into the glass to give it some flavour and pop the few pills. The liquid washes down my throat and finally lets me breathe. Everything was gaining up on me, choking me to death. Now everything seems to slip away. I walk back towards the couch and lie down. I ball the blanket up with the pillows and rest my head down on it all. I can feel my eyelids closing and the world disappearing. I want to sleep all the pain away.
~*~
The shrill sound of ringing knocks me out of my unconscious state. My head screams out in pain and I can feel the world spinning around me. I lash out towards the loud noise to make it stop. Every rings sounds louder and makes my head pound more and more. I finally manage to make it stop, or it stops on it's own. I don't know. One of the two. I look at my clock and it says 4:59. I have exactly an hour to wake up and whip myself back into some form of a presentable person. I don't know if I can do it. I walk into the bathroom and splash cold water against my face. My eyes have dark brown bags under them, of course I've had those since I was about twelve. I twirl my hair into a messy French twist and brush my teeth. I'm starting to feel alive. Alive with a headache. I walk into my bedroom and pull out a pair of jeans and the first shirt I find. I quickly slip them on and walk into my kitchen. I'll get a cup of coffee on the way there. I still have paperwork to fill out before my shift starts. I close my purse and grab my keys. I'm out the door, not completely lucid, but not completely lost.
I take the L, and it isn't too crowded, especially at rush hour. I'm at the hospital in a little over 15 minutes, and the excitement of the day has yet to die down. The place is packed with coughing children and moaning adults. I can see the pain on people's face yet I can't do anything to relieve that pain just yet. I walk into the lounge and throw my stuff into my locker. I don't' know how I'm going to make it through the next 36 hours. I grab the pile of paperwork waiting for me on the counter and start to shift through it. I head over the table and make myself comfortable. There's no point in trying to pretend like I really care about Kerry's Memo's. I don't. I throw out the unimportant stuff and I'm left with a pile reduced by seventy-five percent. I hear the door open behind me and I casually turn aroudn to see who it is. I wish I hadn't. My body physically freezes looking at him. He walks closer to me. No. We discussed this already. It's not going to work. Never.
"I'm sorry for leaving like that." I look down at my paper and try to put on an impassive expression.
"I'm sorry for it all..." My voice came out weak and raspy. My eyes can't focus on anything and my head is pounding a million beats per second. I hear him pull up a chair a few feet next to me.
"But we can't just let all this go and pretend it never happened." I shrug my shoulders. Why not. I've done it before. I pretended my marriage to Richard never happened. I pretended that I was never pregnant with a baby. I pretended to be a strong person. Pretending does great things for me.
"It just doesn't work that way, Abby." I lock my eyes on him and his expression slowly starts to change.
"Can we please not talk about this right now." I run my hands through my hair. i can't deal with him and this pounding headache at the same time.
"Are you okay?" I give him a questioning expression. I'm fine. I'm fine. Just this aching headache that will not go away. It's like a part of me.
"I have a headache but besides that I'm just peachy..." He cringes at my bitter tone of sarcasm at the end. Everyone and everything gets on my nerves right now. I just, I don't know. I can't deal with any of this. No I refuse to deal with any of it. What if I just ignore it? Maybe it will go away?
"Sebastian wants to see you again." I lay my head down on my arms. The whole light thing isn't helping much either.
"I don't' think that would be a good idea." It wouldn't be. I would royally screw up the kid, and he's wonderful the way he is right now. I shouldn't be allowed near kids, I might cause permanent mental damage. I tend to impart my negativity on everyone I meet. Carter himself can vouch for that.
"Listen... I don't know what he sees in you... I wish I knew... but I don't. You've won his heart. You don't have to be with me, or love me, or even speak to me again... Just don't break my son's heart." I can't look up at him because I feel the tears that have just swelled up in my eyes will begin to fall. And then he will see me for who I really am for the second time in a row. I can't let myself act this way around him. It's not fair to him. It's not who I am. I can't let him hurt me. Because that is what inevitably will happen. He will hurt me and the only person I will be able to blame is myself. I feel his hands on my shoulders, gently rubbing them. Everything hurts and he's making that pain go away, even if it's for a few seconds. I see him kneel down next to me, his hands now rest on my thighs.
"Abby..." His voice is a gentle whisper above the screaming from the outside world.
"Abby." I look up at him, my eyes blinking away the drops of moisture. His hand reaches up and rests against my head. His thumb runs up and down my cheek. I close my eyes. He knows that the key into my soul is through my eyes. He knows me as a person, he can almost read my thoughts. He's so close I can feel his warm breathe upon my cheek. I can feel the world spinning out of control and feeling so hopelessly alone I want to end it all.
His lips meet mine.
The world disappears.
I begin to fall.
Slowly and steadily into darkness and bliss.
Don't let it end.
~Preview~
"No, Carter and I are just friends. You two, well, I'm not sure what the hell you two are." Susan's right, we aren't 'just friends.' We can never be 'just friends,' not after this, not after four kisses. Hell, we couldn't even after the first. Its impossible. We're impossible.
Chapter Fourteen
I hear the door slam on all the hope I had. He's just like the rest. I don't' know why I push people away, but I really thought he would stay around. But he didn't. No big surprise. I curl my foot under me and sit down on the soft couch. The blankets and pillows from the last night still litter the room; I'll clean up later. I just realized I have an aching headache, and a shift in a little less than six hours that will go 36 hours straight. I need to take at least one really long nap. I reach for my purse under the coffee table and start shifting through it for the bottle of Tylenol I should have in there. Something catches my attention and I pull out the picture of Sebastian. I look at his toothless grin and want to simply laugh. I put my bag down and sit back on the sofa with the picture between my fingers. I can't stop looking at what I could have had. It would never have worked. I flip it between my index finger and my ring finger. I can't stand it anymore. I wish I wasn't who I am.
I take the picture and stuff it into a random book I find in my side table. I'll be an old lady, alone and miserable, and when that picture falls out, I'll remember. I'll remember what a screw-up I really am. I could have had it all: a white picket fence, a handsome husband, children running around the backyard and the dog barking in the background. I could have had it all. And I was forced into having none of it. I take my Tylenol from my lap and walk into the kitchen to get something to drink it down with. I shift through my shelves looking for tea, but I can't find any. Yet the shine of the bottle catches my eye from the very back of the shelf. It's almost empty, might as well just finish it. I know the temptation won't leave me. I take out a glass and pour the rest of the clear bitter liquid into it. I pour a little big of juice into the glass to give it some flavour and pop the few pills. The liquid washes down my throat and finally lets me breathe. Everything was gaining up on me, choking me to death. Now everything seems to slip away. I walk back towards the couch and lie down. I ball the blanket up with the pillows and rest my head down on it all. I can feel my eyelids closing and the world disappearing. I want to sleep all the pain away.
~*~
The shrill sound of ringing knocks me out of my unconscious state. My head screams out in pain and I can feel the world spinning around me. I lash out towards the loud noise to make it stop. Every rings sounds louder and makes my head pound more and more. I finally manage to make it stop, or it stops on it's own. I don't know. One of the two. I look at my clock and it says 4:59. I have exactly an hour to wake up and whip myself back into some form of a presentable person. I don't know if I can do it. I walk into the bathroom and splash cold water against my face. My eyes have dark brown bags under them, of course I've had those since I was about twelve. I twirl my hair into a messy French twist and brush my teeth. I'm starting to feel alive. Alive with a headache. I walk into my bedroom and pull out a pair of jeans and the first shirt I find. I quickly slip them on and walk into my kitchen. I'll get a cup of coffee on the way there. I still have paperwork to fill out before my shift starts. I close my purse and grab my keys. I'm out the door, not completely lucid, but not completely lost.
I take the L, and it isn't too crowded, especially at rush hour. I'm at the hospital in a little over 15 minutes, and the excitement of the day has yet to die down. The place is packed with coughing children and moaning adults. I can see the pain on people's face yet I can't do anything to relieve that pain just yet. I walk into the lounge and throw my stuff into my locker. I don't' know how I'm going to make it through the next 36 hours. I grab the pile of paperwork waiting for me on the counter and start to shift through it. I head over the table and make myself comfortable. There's no point in trying to pretend like I really care about Kerry's Memo's. I don't. I throw out the unimportant stuff and I'm left with a pile reduced by seventy-five percent. I hear the door open behind me and I casually turn aroudn to see who it is. I wish I hadn't. My body physically freezes looking at him. He walks closer to me. No. We discussed this already. It's not going to work. Never.
"I'm sorry for leaving like that." I look down at my paper and try to put on an impassive expression.
"I'm sorry for it all..." My voice came out weak and raspy. My eyes can't focus on anything and my head is pounding a million beats per second. I hear him pull up a chair a few feet next to me.
"But we can't just let all this go and pretend it never happened." I shrug my shoulders. Why not. I've done it before. I pretended my marriage to Richard never happened. I pretended that I was never pregnant with a baby. I pretended to be a strong person. Pretending does great things for me.
"It just doesn't work that way, Abby." I lock my eyes on him and his expression slowly starts to change.
"Can we please not talk about this right now." I run my hands through my hair. i can't deal with him and this pounding headache at the same time.
"Are you okay?" I give him a questioning expression. I'm fine. I'm fine. Just this aching headache that will not go away. It's like a part of me.
"I have a headache but besides that I'm just peachy..." He cringes at my bitter tone of sarcasm at the end. Everyone and everything gets on my nerves right now. I just, I don't know. I can't deal with any of this. No I refuse to deal with any of it. What if I just ignore it? Maybe it will go away?
"Sebastian wants to see you again." I lay my head down on my arms. The whole light thing isn't helping much either.
"I don't' think that would be a good idea." It wouldn't be. I would royally screw up the kid, and he's wonderful the way he is right now. I shouldn't be allowed near kids, I might cause permanent mental damage. I tend to impart my negativity on everyone I meet. Carter himself can vouch for that.
"Listen... I don't know what he sees in you... I wish I knew... but I don't. You've won his heart. You don't have to be with me, or love me, or even speak to me again... Just don't break my son's heart." I can't look up at him because I feel the tears that have just swelled up in my eyes will begin to fall. And then he will see me for who I really am for the second time in a row. I can't let myself act this way around him. It's not fair to him. It's not who I am. I can't let him hurt me. Because that is what inevitably will happen. He will hurt me and the only person I will be able to blame is myself. I feel his hands on my shoulders, gently rubbing them. Everything hurts and he's making that pain go away, even if it's for a few seconds. I see him kneel down next to me, his hands now rest on my thighs.
"Abby..." His voice is a gentle whisper above the screaming from the outside world.
"Abby." I look up at him, my eyes blinking away the drops of moisture. His hand reaches up and rests against my head. His thumb runs up and down my cheek. I close my eyes. He knows that the key into my soul is through my eyes. He knows me as a person, he can almost read my thoughts. He's so close I can feel his warm breathe upon my cheek. I can feel the world spinning out of control and feeling so hopelessly alone I want to end it all.
His lips meet mine.
The world disappears.
I begin to fall.
Slowly and steadily into darkness and bliss.
Don't let it end.
~Preview~
"No, Carter and I are just friends. You two, well, I'm not sure what the hell you two are." Susan's right, we aren't 'just friends.' We can never be 'just friends,' not after this, not after four kisses. Hell, we couldn't even after the first. Its impossible. We're impossible.