A Bloody... Parody? Soul Reaver
I probably shouldn't be doing this... but I've just got to! Since Soul Reaver is my favorite game of the entire series, I'm gonna butcher the hell out of it! Hehehe! Oh, and one more thing...
SCREW DISCLAIMERS!! You ain't getting one! Mwahaha!
(P.S. LoK:SR is property of C.D. and Eidos...)
Chapter One
Introduction
MZ: We all know how this one begins. At the Sanctuary of the Clans, the devastated Pillars of Nosgoth, Kain sits on his throne. Raziel begins his voice over:
"Kain is deified. The clans tell tales of him. Few know the truth..."
RAZIEL: Deified? Only a few really DO know the truth! Disgusting is more like it! Just look at his face! See how hideous and mutated it is?
Camera zooms in on Kain. His cute, little childlike face is scrunched up in concentration; his tongue sticks out the side of his mouth. His complete and utter attention is on the GameBoy Advance in his claws. Suddenly, a big bright smile creeps across his adorable little chibi-fied face.
KAIN: Yay! I finally got my Pokemon to evolve! I'm so happy! ^_^
RAZIEL: (shudders) Shall I continue?
MZ: Please...
RAZIEL: (skimming through dialogue, muttering to himself) 'He was human once,' blah blah blah. 'I am Raziel.' Yes I know that... '...less human...' '...more...divine.' Ah, here we go...
"Kain would enter the state of change and emerge with a new gift..."
RAZIEL: Yeah, that damn contraption that he hasn't put down in over a century. If I hear him say—
KAIN: Pikachu! I choose you!
RAZIEL: Just one more time... : ( (twitches)
"Some years after the master, our evolution would follow. Until I had the honor of surpassing my lord..."
RAZIEL: Well, it's about damn time! I haven't been putting up with his stupid crap all these years for nothing!
"For my transgression, I earned a new kind of reward..."
RAZIEL: (excitedly) Reward? I get a reward?
MZ: Uh... Sort of...
RAZIEL: Do I get to pick my reward? I always wanted a mommy... u_u
Ariel: (materializes) What? I wasn't good enough to be your mom?
RAZIEL: No! You're too fuggin' ugly! o_O
Ariel: Waaah... T_T (leaves)
RAZIEL: Ahem... As I was saying...
"...I earned a new kind of reward... Agony."
RAZIEL: Agony? What the hell kind of reward is agony anyway?
MZ: Hey! Are you gonna quit procrastinating? It's already taking over two pages to write a parody of just one paragraph! You seem like you're trying to stall your inevitable demise or something... Where the hell is Kain anyway? He's supposed to be tearing your wings off right now.
RAZIEL: He's over there. But like we really need him to do that anyway. These wings are barely on my back to begin with.
Raziel points to his 'wings', two poorly cut out pieces of cardboard that have been hot-glued to his back. One wing is already starting to fall off.
RAZIEL: Why the hell do I have to wear these ridiculous things? Who the hell made these anyway! They don't even match! A one-armed blind man could have done a better job than this! And what happened to the real wings I was promised?
MZ: Budget cuts. After the hella-cool theme music, the scene construction, and Kain's GameBoy, we couldn't afford to get you real wings.
RAZIEL: Kain gets a GameBoy, and I get cardboard wings... W.T.F.!
MZ: Don't worry. I got you a couple bed sheets to use as your tattered wings.
RAZIEL: Gee... Why am I not delirious with joy...? And I suppose you bought them used too?
MZ: No, even better! I found them in a dumpster!
RAZIEL: (irritated) You're such a cheap bastard.
Kain pops up behind Raziel from out of nowhere.
KAIN: Hey Razzy-boy! What'cha doin'? Hey, cool! What are these things on your back?
Kain grabs hold of the wings, but due to their 'delicate' nature, he accidentally pulls them off. The glue on Raziel's back tears his skin.
RAZIEL: OW! That hurt, you crotch-monkey! That's gonna leave a welt!
KAIN: Crotch-monkey? How dare you! You'll pay for this! No one hurts my feelings like that and gets away with it!
"There was only one possible outcome – my eternal damnation..."
RAZIEL: I call Kain a crotch-monkey and I am immediately sentenced to eternal damnation? Who the hell did I piss off?
"I, Raziel, was to suffer the fate of traitors and weaklings – to burn forever in the bowels of the Lake of the Dead."
Scene change to the Abyss. Turel and Dumah drag Raziel to the cliff's edge and wait for their cue. Kain stands back; his interest is once again devoted to his game.
TUREL: Um... Kain? Are we gonna throw him in or what?
RAZIEL: Yeah, really. I'm getting sick of these guys holding me. Especially Dumah. His claws are all sweaty and he stinks like ass. I'd rather my eyes be stabbed out with a fistful of rusted nails than to suffer in his presence a moment longer.
DUMAH: Hey! It's not my fault I sweat when I'm excited!
RAZIEL: Sick freak! What are you, getting off at the thought of my impending death? Damn necrophiliacs...
MZ: Hey Kain!
KAIN: Huh? Wha?
MZ: Kain! You've only got three actual lines in this whole introduction. You'd think that even YOU could not screw them up!
KAIN: Oh, yea. I was getting to that.
"Cast him in."
Kain goes back to playing his game.
TUREL: Finally.
MZ: WAIT!
RAZIEL: Now what?
MZ: Don't you see a problem here?
RAZIEL: What's that?
MZ: You're supposed to be thrown into the Lake of the Dead.
RAZIEL: No shit. And your point being...?
MZ: How can there be a Lake of the Dead with no lake?
Everyone looks to the abyss to find that it is a completely empty pit.
DUMAH: (leans over edge and calls out) Hello!!
DUMAH'S ECHO: Shut up Ass-stink!
DUMAH: Hey! :*(
RAZIEL: Who would drain the Abyss of all its water?
Everyone looks to Rahab questioningly.
RAHAB: Uh... I was thirsty? I needed to fill my pool? Raziel told me to do it?
RAZIEL: Urge to kill rising...
TUREL: That there pit has got no bottom. Yo boss! Ya still want we should throw him in?
RAZIEL: Turel?
TUREL: Whud is it yous wants?
RAZIEL: One: you don't live in New York City. Two: you're not part of the mafia. Hell, you're not even Italian.
TUREL: And whud is it you'd be sayin'?
RAZIEL: Stop talking like a FUGGIN' MORON!
TUREL: Ow! Not so loud! You know I have sensitive ears!
RAZIEL: SORRY!! I DID NOT REALIZE IT HURTS YOU WHEN I TALK LOUD!
TUREL: x_X ...ouchies...
DUMAH: Hey Kain! Are we gonna throw him in now?
KAIN: (still playing Pokemon) Uh... yeah... with the 'cast'ing and the 'in' and stuff...
Turel and Dumah prepare to throw Razzy in...
MZ: WAIT!
RAZIEL, TUREL, and DUMAH: Now what?
MZ: You can't throw him in there! He has to burn in the abyss! That's the way it goes! How is he supposed to come back and destroy you if he's falling down a hole for all eternity?
Turel and Dumah look to each other, a realization dawns on them. Raziel CAN'T destroy them if he is falling down a hole for all eternity.
TUREL: Good point, Mikoto. Shall we, Dumah? : P
DUMAH: Let's. : D
Turel and Dumah attempt to throw him in, but... it doesn't quite go that way. With the use of her divine authoress powers, Mikoto stops the two vamps in ways so mysterious and unknown that words cannot describe the awesome events unfolding.
ZEPHON: Translation: Mikoto says stop, and for some reason they do.
MZ: Dude! You totally killed the awesomeness of the awesome special effects displaying my awesome power! Look! Turel and Dumah are frozen in awe at my power!
The two vamps are mesmerized by the sparkler in Mikoto's hand. As the sparkler dies, the two vamps snap out of their hypnosis.
TUREL: What happened?
DUMAH: I donno...
MIKOTO: So much for that... Ah well, it's time for plan B! If you want to see Raziel properly vanquished, you'll follow me.
RAZIEL: (sarcastically devastated) Why me?
Scene Change! Niagara Falls, Canada.
Raziel is placed inside a shoddy barrel, suspended from a bridge stretching across the Erie River, just above the Canadian Horseshoe Falls.
RAZIEL: You're going to throw me off that waterfall in a barrel?
MZ: Why not?
RAZIEL: It's not very original. Lots of people have gone over the falls in a barrel before.
MZ: True, but many didn't survive. Besides, it'll be amusing to see a water-sensitive vampire go over the falls in a barrel constructed of cardboard and hot-glue.
TUREL: I bet that water's freezing too.
DUMAH: Yeah, his scream will reach higher octaves when he hits that water!
RAZIEL: This sucks. Of all the vampires, I'm now getting zinged by Dumah. When will this day end?
MZ: Oh, Raziel! I almost forgot! You'll need this!
Raziel skeptically looks at the small piece of plastic that has been placed in his claws.
RAZIEL: What's this?
MZ: It's a shower cap. To protect that 'beautiful' hair of yours.
RAZIEL: I'm about to experience an extremely agonizing death. DO YOU THINK I'M THE LEAST BIT CONCERNED ABOUT MY HAIR??
MZ: Well, how else do we explain the fact that your jaw falls off during your descent, but your hair stays intact?
RAZIEL: I don't care. I'm not wearing it.
MELCHIAH: I'd wear it. Heaven knows I wouldn't want MY hair to fall out.
Melchiah slicks back imaginary hair on his bald head. Zephon and Rahab give him worried looks, and then slowly inch away from him.
MZ: Just wear it, Raziel. OH! And here are your 'tattered wings'.
Raziel: (examines the bed sheets) There are yellow stains on them...
MZ: Hey! Don't complain! I got a good bargain on them! Besides, the stains will wash out when you hit the water.
KAIN: Um, Mikoto...
MZ: Yes, Kain?
KAIN: Can I say my line again? I can't wait any longer.
RAZIEL: It's so comforting to know how anxiously you await my demise...
KAIN: (bouncing on his tiptoes) No, it's just that I have to use the little boys room. I've been holding it all day!
MZ: (rolling her eyes) Okay Kain. Say your line.
"Cast him in!"
Kain hurriedly runs away. Turel and Dumah look to Mikoto just to make sure she won't interrupt this time. When they are certain she will remain silent, they cut the rope that the barrel suspends from. The barrel falls to the fast moving water below with Raziel 'safely' inside. The barrel is quickly carried downstream towards the waterfall. The remaining vampires wave 'goodbye'.
DUMAH: Bye, Raziel! Don't forget to write!
MELCHIAH: Bring me back a souvenir!
RAHAB: Do be careful of the wildlife! I hear that evil, manipulative, giant squid-like monsters are on the rise this time of year!
TUREL: (to Mikoto) I'm on the 'rise' this time of year.
MZ: O.O Pervert! (bashes Zephon over the head with a baseball bat)
ZEPHON: Adios, mi amigo! Do enjoy your vacation!
RAZIEL: Screw you all! (tries unsuccessfully to flip them off) Damn, good for nothing claws!
Finally, Raziel falls over the edge. The barrel busts open on the first rock it smashes into. The combination of burning water and repeated smashing into rocks bestows immense suffering upon the fallen vampire. And then Raziel crashes into the waters below.
"Tumbling, burning with white-hot fire, I plunged into the depths of the abyss..."
RAZIEL: I thought I was in the Erie River.
MZ: You are, but the script says you're falling in the abyss.
RAZIEL: Hey, wait a minute. What the hell are you doing down here anyway? Shouldn't you be drowning?
MZ: I'm the authoress! I can't drown!
RAZIEL: Just cuz you're the authoress doesn't mean you are immune to dying.
MZ: Whatever! Whatever! I do want I want!
"Unspeakable pain... relentless agony... ...time ceased to exist... ...only this torture... and a deepening hatred for the hypocrisy that damned me to this hell."
RAZIEL: What the hell is that babble supposed to mean?
MZ: You hate Kain and everything about him.
RAZIEL: I already hated him before.
MZ: You hate him even more now. You hate everything about him, and you hate him for how he has betrayed you.
RAZIEL: How HE'S betrayed me? Last I checked, you were a Raz-fan and you're the one authoring my suffering!
MZ: Wait! This is just a parody! I didn't write the original storyline!
RAZIEL: Get over here! I'm gonna tear you to pieces!
MZ: Woah! Look at the time! Gotta go! (instantly disappears)
RAZIEL: Damn her...
"An eternity passed, and my torment receded, bringing me back from the precipice of madness..."
RAZIEL: THEY all think I'm crazy! But I'm not CRAZY! THEY'RE the ones who are CRAZY! You'll see!
"The descent had destroyed me... and yet I lived."
Raziel settles at the bottom of the abyss, and then slowly rises to his feet. He looks over his new, changed appearance.
RAZIEL: Destroyed? I am not destroyed! Look at how much weight I've lost! Wait a second, I think I'm on to something here... That's it!
Scene change! One of those cheesy studio sets for those crappy infomercials.
RAZIEL: Hello, everybody! And welcome to "Raziel's Do-It-Yourself, Say Good-bye to Your Fat Ass, Ultra-Slim-Down Diet Program!"
Audience applauds.
RAZIEL: That's right, folks! You too can loose all those unnecessary pounds! Just take a look at me! I used to weigh an unbelievable 180 pounds of lean, mean muscle!
Audience gasps in shock.
RAZIEL: But now I weight a mere 95 pounds of hideous deformity! And that's just in the material plane! Why, I'm virtually weightless in the spectral plane!
Audience applauds.
RAZIEL: And now, all of you at home can share in my success! For only six easy payments of $49.95, you can drop half your weight, or more, at the mild side effects of a few lost vital organs and missing facial features!
Audience cheers.
ELDER GOD: Er... Raziel?
RAZIEL: Huh? Wha?
ELDER GOD: Raziel, wake up! You're dreaming.
Raziel gets up, finding himself still at the bottom of the abyss.
"Raziel... You are worthy."
RAZIEL: (hopeful) You mean I'm gonna make millions from my weight-loss plan?
ELDER GOD: No you're not.
RAZIEL: But you said I was...
ELDER GOD: I said 'worthy', not wealthy.
RAZIEL: Ah, crap...
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Well, there you have it. It took an ungodly number of pages to write, considering the actual introduction is roughly four paragraphs long. This ended up being nine pages long, which is probably a record for me (for a single chapter anyway). I've got some ideas if I write another chapter. Well, honestly, what do you think? Should the absurdity continue?
I probably shouldn't be doing this... but I've just got to! Since Soul Reaver is my favorite game of the entire series, I'm gonna butcher the hell out of it! Hehehe! Oh, and one more thing...
SCREW DISCLAIMERS!! You ain't getting one! Mwahaha!
(P.S. LoK:SR is property of C.D. and Eidos...)
Chapter One
Introduction
MZ: We all know how this one begins. At the Sanctuary of the Clans, the devastated Pillars of Nosgoth, Kain sits on his throne. Raziel begins his voice over:
"Kain is deified. The clans tell tales of him. Few know the truth..."
RAZIEL: Deified? Only a few really DO know the truth! Disgusting is more like it! Just look at his face! See how hideous and mutated it is?
Camera zooms in on Kain. His cute, little childlike face is scrunched up in concentration; his tongue sticks out the side of his mouth. His complete and utter attention is on the GameBoy Advance in his claws. Suddenly, a big bright smile creeps across his adorable little chibi-fied face.
KAIN: Yay! I finally got my Pokemon to evolve! I'm so happy! ^_^
RAZIEL: (shudders) Shall I continue?
MZ: Please...
RAZIEL: (skimming through dialogue, muttering to himself) 'He was human once,' blah blah blah. 'I am Raziel.' Yes I know that... '...less human...' '...more...divine.' Ah, here we go...
"Kain would enter the state of change and emerge with a new gift..."
RAZIEL: Yeah, that damn contraption that he hasn't put down in over a century. If I hear him say—
KAIN: Pikachu! I choose you!
RAZIEL: Just one more time... : ( (twitches)
"Some years after the master, our evolution would follow. Until I had the honor of surpassing my lord..."
RAZIEL: Well, it's about damn time! I haven't been putting up with his stupid crap all these years for nothing!
"For my transgression, I earned a new kind of reward..."
RAZIEL: (excitedly) Reward? I get a reward?
MZ: Uh... Sort of...
RAZIEL: Do I get to pick my reward? I always wanted a mommy... u_u
Ariel: (materializes) What? I wasn't good enough to be your mom?
RAZIEL: No! You're too fuggin' ugly! o_O
Ariel: Waaah... T_T (leaves)
RAZIEL: Ahem... As I was saying...
"...I earned a new kind of reward... Agony."
RAZIEL: Agony? What the hell kind of reward is agony anyway?
MZ: Hey! Are you gonna quit procrastinating? It's already taking over two pages to write a parody of just one paragraph! You seem like you're trying to stall your inevitable demise or something... Where the hell is Kain anyway? He's supposed to be tearing your wings off right now.
RAZIEL: He's over there. But like we really need him to do that anyway. These wings are barely on my back to begin with.
Raziel points to his 'wings', two poorly cut out pieces of cardboard that have been hot-glued to his back. One wing is already starting to fall off.
RAZIEL: Why the hell do I have to wear these ridiculous things? Who the hell made these anyway! They don't even match! A one-armed blind man could have done a better job than this! And what happened to the real wings I was promised?
MZ: Budget cuts. After the hella-cool theme music, the scene construction, and Kain's GameBoy, we couldn't afford to get you real wings.
RAZIEL: Kain gets a GameBoy, and I get cardboard wings... W.T.F.!
MZ: Don't worry. I got you a couple bed sheets to use as your tattered wings.
RAZIEL: Gee... Why am I not delirious with joy...? And I suppose you bought them used too?
MZ: No, even better! I found them in a dumpster!
RAZIEL: (irritated) You're such a cheap bastard.
Kain pops up behind Raziel from out of nowhere.
KAIN: Hey Razzy-boy! What'cha doin'? Hey, cool! What are these things on your back?
Kain grabs hold of the wings, but due to their 'delicate' nature, he accidentally pulls them off. The glue on Raziel's back tears his skin.
RAZIEL: OW! That hurt, you crotch-monkey! That's gonna leave a welt!
KAIN: Crotch-monkey? How dare you! You'll pay for this! No one hurts my feelings like that and gets away with it!
"There was only one possible outcome – my eternal damnation..."
RAZIEL: I call Kain a crotch-monkey and I am immediately sentenced to eternal damnation? Who the hell did I piss off?
"I, Raziel, was to suffer the fate of traitors and weaklings – to burn forever in the bowels of the Lake of the Dead."
Scene change to the Abyss. Turel and Dumah drag Raziel to the cliff's edge and wait for their cue. Kain stands back; his interest is once again devoted to his game.
TUREL: Um... Kain? Are we gonna throw him in or what?
RAZIEL: Yeah, really. I'm getting sick of these guys holding me. Especially Dumah. His claws are all sweaty and he stinks like ass. I'd rather my eyes be stabbed out with a fistful of rusted nails than to suffer in his presence a moment longer.
DUMAH: Hey! It's not my fault I sweat when I'm excited!
RAZIEL: Sick freak! What are you, getting off at the thought of my impending death? Damn necrophiliacs...
MZ: Hey Kain!
KAIN: Huh? Wha?
MZ: Kain! You've only got three actual lines in this whole introduction. You'd think that even YOU could not screw them up!
KAIN: Oh, yea. I was getting to that.
"Cast him in."
Kain goes back to playing his game.
TUREL: Finally.
MZ: WAIT!
RAZIEL: Now what?
MZ: Don't you see a problem here?
RAZIEL: What's that?
MZ: You're supposed to be thrown into the Lake of the Dead.
RAZIEL: No shit. And your point being...?
MZ: How can there be a Lake of the Dead with no lake?
Everyone looks to the abyss to find that it is a completely empty pit.
DUMAH: (leans over edge and calls out) Hello!!
DUMAH'S ECHO: Shut up Ass-stink!
DUMAH: Hey! :*(
RAZIEL: Who would drain the Abyss of all its water?
Everyone looks to Rahab questioningly.
RAHAB: Uh... I was thirsty? I needed to fill my pool? Raziel told me to do it?
RAZIEL: Urge to kill rising...
TUREL: That there pit has got no bottom. Yo boss! Ya still want we should throw him in?
RAZIEL: Turel?
TUREL: Whud is it yous wants?
RAZIEL: One: you don't live in New York City. Two: you're not part of the mafia. Hell, you're not even Italian.
TUREL: And whud is it you'd be sayin'?
RAZIEL: Stop talking like a FUGGIN' MORON!
TUREL: Ow! Not so loud! You know I have sensitive ears!
RAZIEL: SORRY!! I DID NOT REALIZE IT HURTS YOU WHEN I TALK LOUD!
TUREL: x_X ...ouchies...
DUMAH: Hey Kain! Are we gonna throw him in now?
KAIN: (still playing Pokemon) Uh... yeah... with the 'cast'ing and the 'in' and stuff...
Turel and Dumah prepare to throw Razzy in...
MZ: WAIT!
RAZIEL, TUREL, and DUMAH: Now what?
MZ: You can't throw him in there! He has to burn in the abyss! That's the way it goes! How is he supposed to come back and destroy you if he's falling down a hole for all eternity?
Turel and Dumah look to each other, a realization dawns on them. Raziel CAN'T destroy them if he is falling down a hole for all eternity.
TUREL: Good point, Mikoto. Shall we, Dumah? : P
DUMAH: Let's. : D
Turel and Dumah attempt to throw him in, but... it doesn't quite go that way. With the use of her divine authoress powers, Mikoto stops the two vamps in ways so mysterious and unknown that words cannot describe the awesome events unfolding.
ZEPHON: Translation: Mikoto says stop, and for some reason they do.
MZ: Dude! You totally killed the awesomeness of the awesome special effects displaying my awesome power! Look! Turel and Dumah are frozen in awe at my power!
The two vamps are mesmerized by the sparkler in Mikoto's hand. As the sparkler dies, the two vamps snap out of their hypnosis.
TUREL: What happened?
DUMAH: I donno...
MIKOTO: So much for that... Ah well, it's time for plan B! If you want to see Raziel properly vanquished, you'll follow me.
RAZIEL: (sarcastically devastated) Why me?
Scene Change! Niagara Falls, Canada.
Raziel is placed inside a shoddy barrel, suspended from a bridge stretching across the Erie River, just above the Canadian Horseshoe Falls.
RAZIEL: You're going to throw me off that waterfall in a barrel?
MZ: Why not?
RAZIEL: It's not very original. Lots of people have gone over the falls in a barrel before.
MZ: True, but many didn't survive. Besides, it'll be amusing to see a water-sensitive vampire go over the falls in a barrel constructed of cardboard and hot-glue.
TUREL: I bet that water's freezing too.
DUMAH: Yeah, his scream will reach higher octaves when he hits that water!
RAZIEL: This sucks. Of all the vampires, I'm now getting zinged by Dumah. When will this day end?
MZ: Oh, Raziel! I almost forgot! You'll need this!
Raziel skeptically looks at the small piece of plastic that has been placed in his claws.
RAZIEL: What's this?
MZ: It's a shower cap. To protect that 'beautiful' hair of yours.
RAZIEL: I'm about to experience an extremely agonizing death. DO YOU THINK I'M THE LEAST BIT CONCERNED ABOUT MY HAIR??
MZ: Well, how else do we explain the fact that your jaw falls off during your descent, but your hair stays intact?
RAZIEL: I don't care. I'm not wearing it.
MELCHIAH: I'd wear it. Heaven knows I wouldn't want MY hair to fall out.
Melchiah slicks back imaginary hair on his bald head. Zephon and Rahab give him worried looks, and then slowly inch away from him.
MZ: Just wear it, Raziel. OH! And here are your 'tattered wings'.
Raziel: (examines the bed sheets) There are yellow stains on them...
MZ: Hey! Don't complain! I got a good bargain on them! Besides, the stains will wash out when you hit the water.
KAIN: Um, Mikoto...
MZ: Yes, Kain?
KAIN: Can I say my line again? I can't wait any longer.
RAZIEL: It's so comforting to know how anxiously you await my demise...
KAIN: (bouncing on his tiptoes) No, it's just that I have to use the little boys room. I've been holding it all day!
MZ: (rolling her eyes) Okay Kain. Say your line.
"Cast him in!"
Kain hurriedly runs away. Turel and Dumah look to Mikoto just to make sure she won't interrupt this time. When they are certain she will remain silent, they cut the rope that the barrel suspends from. The barrel falls to the fast moving water below with Raziel 'safely' inside. The barrel is quickly carried downstream towards the waterfall. The remaining vampires wave 'goodbye'.
DUMAH: Bye, Raziel! Don't forget to write!
MELCHIAH: Bring me back a souvenir!
RAHAB: Do be careful of the wildlife! I hear that evil, manipulative, giant squid-like monsters are on the rise this time of year!
TUREL: (to Mikoto) I'm on the 'rise' this time of year.
MZ: O.O Pervert! (bashes Zephon over the head with a baseball bat)
ZEPHON: Adios, mi amigo! Do enjoy your vacation!
RAZIEL: Screw you all! (tries unsuccessfully to flip them off) Damn, good for nothing claws!
Finally, Raziel falls over the edge. The barrel busts open on the first rock it smashes into. The combination of burning water and repeated smashing into rocks bestows immense suffering upon the fallen vampire. And then Raziel crashes into the waters below.
"Tumbling, burning with white-hot fire, I plunged into the depths of the abyss..."
RAZIEL: I thought I was in the Erie River.
MZ: You are, but the script says you're falling in the abyss.
RAZIEL: Hey, wait a minute. What the hell are you doing down here anyway? Shouldn't you be drowning?
MZ: I'm the authoress! I can't drown!
RAZIEL: Just cuz you're the authoress doesn't mean you are immune to dying.
MZ: Whatever! Whatever! I do want I want!
"Unspeakable pain... relentless agony... ...time ceased to exist... ...only this torture... and a deepening hatred for the hypocrisy that damned me to this hell."
RAZIEL: What the hell is that babble supposed to mean?
MZ: You hate Kain and everything about him.
RAZIEL: I already hated him before.
MZ: You hate him even more now. You hate everything about him, and you hate him for how he has betrayed you.
RAZIEL: How HE'S betrayed me? Last I checked, you were a Raz-fan and you're the one authoring my suffering!
MZ: Wait! This is just a parody! I didn't write the original storyline!
RAZIEL: Get over here! I'm gonna tear you to pieces!
MZ: Woah! Look at the time! Gotta go! (instantly disappears)
RAZIEL: Damn her...
"An eternity passed, and my torment receded, bringing me back from the precipice of madness..."
RAZIEL: THEY all think I'm crazy! But I'm not CRAZY! THEY'RE the ones who are CRAZY! You'll see!
"The descent had destroyed me... and yet I lived."
Raziel settles at the bottom of the abyss, and then slowly rises to his feet. He looks over his new, changed appearance.
RAZIEL: Destroyed? I am not destroyed! Look at how much weight I've lost! Wait a second, I think I'm on to something here... That's it!
Scene change! One of those cheesy studio sets for those crappy infomercials.
RAZIEL: Hello, everybody! And welcome to "Raziel's Do-It-Yourself, Say Good-bye to Your Fat Ass, Ultra-Slim-Down Diet Program!"
Audience applauds.
RAZIEL: That's right, folks! You too can loose all those unnecessary pounds! Just take a look at me! I used to weigh an unbelievable 180 pounds of lean, mean muscle!
Audience gasps in shock.
RAZIEL: But now I weight a mere 95 pounds of hideous deformity! And that's just in the material plane! Why, I'm virtually weightless in the spectral plane!
Audience applauds.
RAZIEL: And now, all of you at home can share in my success! For only six easy payments of $49.95, you can drop half your weight, or more, at the mild side effects of a few lost vital organs and missing facial features!
Audience cheers.
ELDER GOD: Er... Raziel?
RAZIEL: Huh? Wha?
ELDER GOD: Raziel, wake up! You're dreaming.
Raziel gets up, finding himself still at the bottom of the abyss.
"Raziel... You are worthy."
RAZIEL: (hopeful) You mean I'm gonna make millions from my weight-loss plan?
ELDER GOD: No you're not.
RAZIEL: But you said I was...
ELDER GOD: I said 'worthy', not wealthy.
RAZIEL: Ah, crap...
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Well, there you have it. It took an ungodly number of pages to write, considering the actual introduction is roughly four paragraphs long. This ended up being nine pages long, which is probably a record for me (for a single chapter anyway). I've got some ideas if I write another chapter. Well, honestly, what do you think? Should the absurdity continue?