A Bloody.. Parody? Soul Reaver Style
Chapter Two
Training - Part One
ELDER GOD: I know you, Raziel. You are worthy.
RAZIEL: What madness is this? We've never met before!
EG: Don't you remember? We went to preschool together. See?
The Elder God hands Raziel a photo of the two of them as toddlers at Nosgoth Nursery School. A miniaturized version of the Elder God appears to have imprisoned Raziel in a playhouse, having wrapped his tentacles around all exits of the child-sized structure. A chibi-fied vampire Raziel is seen in one of the windows, crying his eyes out.
MIKOTO: Aw, Razzy, you looked so cute! You poor little thing!
RAZIEL: Yeah, I guess I was a cute kid. Though it seems I'm still being tortured as much now as I was back then. I mean, just look at me! What pitiful form is this that I have come to inhabit! Death would be a release, next to this travesty!
MZ: Um, Raz. I hate to state the obvious, but you're already dead. In fact, you've died twice already.
RAZIEL: Yes, that is a valid point. And I've got one of my own. This is the Underworld, the realm of the dead. How the hell did you get here?
MZ: Took the subway train.
RAZIEL: There are no subway trains in Nosgoth.
MZ: How do you know? You've been dead an awfully long time. A lot of things can happen over the course of a few centuries..
RAZIEL: Then shouldn't you be an old hag by now?
MZ: Nope. I'm immortal.
RAZIEL: No you're not. You're human.
MZ: Says you.
RAZIEL: Don't argue with me. I'm not stupid. I can clearly see that you are still human. And a subway train could not possibly bring you here. You must be dead if you are here.
MZ: Dead. Alive. One such as myself, who is neither one nor the other, knows no difference.
RAZIEL: You know.. That is just plain ridiculous! Just get out of here before I hurt you!
MZ: Okay. But I'll be back! Mwahaha! (disappears)
RAZIEL: Now where were we?
EG: Let's see.. Ah, yes! You did not survive the abyss, Raziel.
RAZIEL: No shit..
EG: I have only spared you from total dissolution.
RAZIEL: Lucky me. I would chose oblivion over this existence!
EG: The choice is not yours.
RAZIEL: Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do now? I am destroyed!
EG: You are reborn.
RAZIEL: NOOO! I don't want to be reborn! I don't want to relive my childhood again! Those were the worst years of my life-- ..unlife.. Existence! The worst years of my existence!
EG: No, not reborn like that. You see. The birth of one of Kain's abominations traps the essence of life. It is this soul that animates the corpse that you 'lived' in. And that Raziel, is the demise of Nosgoth.
RAZIEL: Ah, I get it. I've been resurrected. Again. Whoopie. And I'm sure this third life of mine will suck more that the first two.
EG: Perhaps. But life is not fair, Raziel. There is no balance. The souls of the dead remain trapped. I cannot spin them in the wheel of fate. They cannot complete their destinies.
RAZIEL: Let me guess. This is where you tell me of MY destiny. Am I correct?
EG: Redeem yourself. Or if you prefer, avenge yourself.
RAZIEL: Sounds promising..
EG: Settle your dispute with Kain. Destroy Him and your brethren. Free their souls and let the wheel of fate churn again. Use your hatred to reave their souls.. I can make it possible. Become my soul reaver, my angel of death..
RAZIEL: Well, since you've taken the time and effort to sugarcoat it so much… Why the hell not?
Raziel heads off on his quest. Soon, he comes across the first warp gate. He approaches it with curiosity.
RAZIEL: Kick ass! A wide screen television!
EG: That is no television, Raziel. These gates twist space, laying a path across great spans.
RAZIEL: (ignores EG) Yeah, that's great. Now where's the remote?
EG: There is no-
RAZIEL: Found it!
Raziel steps up to the gate and holds up the remote, pushing the power button on. The warp gate activates.
EG: You must visit other gates before this portal will be opened to you.
RAZIEL: No. It seems to be working fine.
Raziel clicks more buttons on the remote, causing the image on the other side of the gate to change. Most of the images all appear to be nearly identical, with the exception of a different symbol in the center of each image. After cycling through all the images several times, Raziel turns off the gate and throws the remote in frustration.
RAZIEL: What the hell! Did you forget to pay your satellite bill? The reception is lousy down here! Perhaps you should switch to cable..
Raziel leaves the gate, and soon comes to a new room. He feels weak, and leans against a pillar.
RAZIEL: Man, I am out of shape. I'm so exhausted, I feel like I haven't walked this much in centuries… (cue cheesy drum roll)
EG: You are weak - you must feed.
RAZIEL: I don't know about you, but I don't exactly see any fast food joints around here. Besides. The old hunger has left me; I have no desire for blood.
EG: You are changed.
RAZIEL: (sarcastically) Really? I hadn't noticed; what, with the decayed body of mine and all. Thanks for pointing it out to me.
EG: You're blood-thirst is replaced by a deeper need - you have become a devourer of souls. To sustain your strength, you must hunt the lost spirits of the Underworld, and consume the souls of your enemies.
RAZIEL: Souls, eh?
A glowing ball of energy passes in front of Raziel's view. Intrigued by the Elder God's information, he watches it float around the chamber. Soon, he is running after the soul with his cowl pulled down, trying to consume it.
RAZIEL: Get back here! I'll swallow your soul! Swallow your soul!!
Raziel finally eats the soul and suddenly, a second one appears from out of nowhere.
RAZIEL: Ooh! Dessert!
As soon as Raziel eats the second soul, a third appears. His health not quite full, he eats that one as well. But then a forth soul manifests. Raziel finally makes the connection, that every time he eats a soul, it is replaced with another one for him to devour.
RAZIEL: HURRAY! ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET!!! ^_^
Though time stands still in the spectral realm, what seems like several hours have passed. Mikoto walks in.
MZ: There you are! Where have you- Dear lord! What have you done to yourself?
Raziel is slumped against a wall. His stomach, filled with numerous souls, has swollen to ten times its original size. A soul flutters around Raziel's prone body. Raziel, weak from overindulgence, slowly pulls his cowl down and struggles to pull in the soul.
RAZIEL: Two hundred and ninety-eight..
MZ: TWO HUNDRED AND NINETY-EIGHT! You've eaten two hundred and ninety-eight souls?
Raziel pulls his cowl down again, and sucks in another soul.
RAZIEL: Two hundred and ninety-nine..
MZ: You glutton! How could you gorge yourself like that?
RAZIEL: (after eating another soul) Three hundred!
MZ: That's enough! Get your ass up!
RAZIEL: Can't. Too full.
MZ: Alright. I've got a solution. : )
Mikoto pulls out one of her pin-sized Soul Reaver replicas and approaches Raziel with a menacing look.
RAZIEL: No! Not the Soul Reaver! Don't let it imprison me!
Raziel struggles to escape, but he is unable to get up because of his oversized gut. Mikoto jabs the Reaver replica at his stomach and BAM! Raziel's tummy is popped like a balloon. Two hundred something souls escape and disappear as they fly away.
RAZIEL: (distraught) All those poor, unfortunate souls... They were supposed to be my lunch..
MZ: I've been waiting around long enough. It's time for you to continue your training. Now get a move on!
RAZIEL: Why can't you do my training for me?
MZ: I've got better things to do.
RAZIEL: Like what?
MZ: Like trading skin care treatments with Melchiah. Speaking of which, I'm late already. I'll see you later. (vanishes)
Raziel begins to proceed to his next task, when he pauses for a moment in contemplation.
RAZIEL: Skin care treatments with Melchiah? Doesn't he have the WORST complexion on all of Nosgoth?
MZ: Yeah, he did. Until you were reborn.
RAZIEL: Wha- Hey! That hurt! Wait a second. I thought you were leaving!
MZ: I am. (disappears again.)
Refocused on his training, Raziel comes to a series of ledges of which he must leap onto, and chasms he must jump across. He comes to the final chasm, which is a much farther distance than the previous ones.
EG: Your wings, though ruined--
RAZIEL: Wait, wait. I think I can figure this one out on my own. It's not like I didn't just jumped across a bunch of chasms a few moments ago. I think I've got the hang of it by now.
Raziel leaps off the cliff. To his utter disbelief, he fails to reach the other side. Hell, he doesn't even make it halfway across. He finds that he has to climb the cliffs once again.
RAZIEL: Son of a…
Raziel returns to the chasm. The Elder God attempts his instruction again.
EG: Your wings, though ruined, are not-
RAZIEL: I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!
Again, Raziel performs what would be a suicide leap if it were attempted by a mortal. Raziel gets about halfway across, and when he feels he is about to descend, he desperately flaps his arms to stay aloft. But, alas, he again finds himself falling to the landing below.
RAZIEL: Damnit!
Raziel begins his climb for the third time. Severely out of breath, he makes it to the summit once again.
EG: Your wings, though ruined, are not without purpose. Take hold-
RAZIEL: Wait. Before you go on. Let me ask you this.
EG: (irritated) What is it?
RAZIEL: What the hell is that blue energy thing blocking off the tunnel on the other side? And why the hell is it there?
EG: It is an energy field. I've put it there so that you cannot progress until you have listened to and obeyed my instruction. The instruction that you have thus far chosen to ignore.
RAZIEL: You mean, the instruction that will tell me how to get across this chasm?
EG: Precisely.
RAZIEL: Okay. Another question.
EG: What?
RAZIEL: How is it, that the blue energy field can effectively hold me back, when I can't even reach it in the first place?
EG: Er, I.. um..
RAZIEL: Wouldn't I have to listen to your instructions to even get near that energy field to begin with? Doesn't that make your little energy field pointless and irrelevant? Can't you do anything more useful with that energy thingy? Like, perhaps, make me a bridge so that I can cross this chasm?
EG: (annoyed) Listen, I am not here to make your journey easier for you.
RAZIEL: Yes you are. You're supposed to be telling me how to do things.
EG: (enraged) IF YOU WOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE, THEN WE WOULDN'T EVEN BE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW!
RAZIEL: Okay, okay. I'll listen. Jeez. Don't get your tentacles in a knot.
EG: Your wings, though ruined, are not without purpose. Take hold of them as you leap, and they will carry you across this chasm.
RAZIEL: (skeptical) I don't know if it'll work. These bed sheets Mikoto gave me for wings don't look like they'll hold. Well, here goes nothing..
Raziel leaps off the cliff. At the pinnacle of his leap, he takes hold of his wings. The flaps of cotton hold him aloft and his descent is slowed. With ease, he lands gracefully on the other side of the chasm.
RAZIEL: Well, what do you know? It worked! (to EG) Why didn't you tell me to do that sooner?
EG: (to self) Don't kill him. You need him to destroy Kain. Don't kill him. You need him to destroy Kain. Don't kill-
RAZIEL: Uh, I think I'll leave you alone to your insane rambling.
The energy field over the tunnel dissipates and Raziel continues onward.
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Okay, this seems like a good place to leave off. A few pages shorter than Chapter one, but if I were to keep going, this chapter may very well end up being fifteen pages long. And that's just too long for me. I tend to get lost in chapters that are too long. Especially since this chapter doesn't seem as interesting as the first one. Or maybe it is. I don't know. What do you think?
Oh, and I'd like to thank all those who reviewed. Without them I might not have continued this story. As thanks, everyone who reviewed gets their own needle-sized Reaver replicas and a voodoo doll of any LoK character of their choice. : D
Chapter Two
Training - Part One
ELDER GOD: I know you, Raziel. You are worthy.
RAZIEL: What madness is this? We've never met before!
EG: Don't you remember? We went to preschool together. See?
The Elder God hands Raziel a photo of the two of them as toddlers at Nosgoth Nursery School. A miniaturized version of the Elder God appears to have imprisoned Raziel in a playhouse, having wrapped his tentacles around all exits of the child-sized structure. A chibi-fied vampire Raziel is seen in one of the windows, crying his eyes out.
MIKOTO: Aw, Razzy, you looked so cute! You poor little thing!
RAZIEL: Yeah, I guess I was a cute kid. Though it seems I'm still being tortured as much now as I was back then. I mean, just look at me! What pitiful form is this that I have come to inhabit! Death would be a release, next to this travesty!
MZ: Um, Raz. I hate to state the obvious, but you're already dead. In fact, you've died twice already.
RAZIEL: Yes, that is a valid point. And I've got one of my own. This is the Underworld, the realm of the dead. How the hell did you get here?
MZ: Took the subway train.
RAZIEL: There are no subway trains in Nosgoth.
MZ: How do you know? You've been dead an awfully long time. A lot of things can happen over the course of a few centuries..
RAZIEL: Then shouldn't you be an old hag by now?
MZ: Nope. I'm immortal.
RAZIEL: No you're not. You're human.
MZ: Says you.
RAZIEL: Don't argue with me. I'm not stupid. I can clearly see that you are still human. And a subway train could not possibly bring you here. You must be dead if you are here.
MZ: Dead. Alive. One such as myself, who is neither one nor the other, knows no difference.
RAZIEL: You know.. That is just plain ridiculous! Just get out of here before I hurt you!
MZ: Okay. But I'll be back! Mwahaha! (disappears)
RAZIEL: Now where were we?
EG: Let's see.. Ah, yes! You did not survive the abyss, Raziel.
RAZIEL: No shit..
EG: I have only spared you from total dissolution.
RAZIEL: Lucky me. I would chose oblivion over this existence!
EG: The choice is not yours.
RAZIEL: Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do now? I am destroyed!
EG: You are reborn.
RAZIEL: NOOO! I don't want to be reborn! I don't want to relive my childhood again! Those were the worst years of my life-- ..unlife.. Existence! The worst years of my existence!
EG: No, not reborn like that. You see. The birth of one of Kain's abominations traps the essence of life. It is this soul that animates the corpse that you 'lived' in. And that Raziel, is the demise of Nosgoth.
RAZIEL: Ah, I get it. I've been resurrected. Again. Whoopie. And I'm sure this third life of mine will suck more that the first two.
EG: Perhaps. But life is not fair, Raziel. There is no balance. The souls of the dead remain trapped. I cannot spin them in the wheel of fate. They cannot complete their destinies.
RAZIEL: Let me guess. This is where you tell me of MY destiny. Am I correct?
EG: Redeem yourself. Or if you prefer, avenge yourself.
RAZIEL: Sounds promising..
EG: Settle your dispute with Kain. Destroy Him and your brethren. Free their souls and let the wheel of fate churn again. Use your hatred to reave their souls.. I can make it possible. Become my soul reaver, my angel of death..
RAZIEL: Well, since you've taken the time and effort to sugarcoat it so much… Why the hell not?
Raziel heads off on his quest. Soon, he comes across the first warp gate. He approaches it with curiosity.
RAZIEL: Kick ass! A wide screen television!
EG: That is no television, Raziel. These gates twist space, laying a path across great spans.
RAZIEL: (ignores EG) Yeah, that's great. Now where's the remote?
EG: There is no-
RAZIEL: Found it!
Raziel steps up to the gate and holds up the remote, pushing the power button on. The warp gate activates.
EG: You must visit other gates before this portal will be opened to you.
RAZIEL: No. It seems to be working fine.
Raziel clicks more buttons on the remote, causing the image on the other side of the gate to change. Most of the images all appear to be nearly identical, with the exception of a different symbol in the center of each image. After cycling through all the images several times, Raziel turns off the gate and throws the remote in frustration.
RAZIEL: What the hell! Did you forget to pay your satellite bill? The reception is lousy down here! Perhaps you should switch to cable..
Raziel leaves the gate, and soon comes to a new room. He feels weak, and leans against a pillar.
RAZIEL: Man, I am out of shape. I'm so exhausted, I feel like I haven't walked this much in centuries… (cue cheesy drum roll)
EG: You are weak - you must feed.
RAZIEL: I don't know about you, but I don't exactly see any fast food joints around here. Besides. The old hunger has left me; I have no desire for blood.
EG: You are changed.
RAZIEL: (sarcastically) Really? I hadn't noticed; what, with the decayed body of mine and all. Thanks for pointing it out to me.
EG: You're blood-thirst is replaced by a deeper need - you have become a devourer of souls. To sustain your strength, you must hunt the lost spirits of the Underworld, and consume the souls of your enemies.
RAZIEL: Souls, eh?
A glowing ball of energy passes in front of Raziel's view. Intrigued by the Elder God's information, he watches it float around the chamber. Soon, he is running after the soul with his cowl pulled down, trying to consume it.
RAZIEL: Get back here! I'll swallow your soul! Swallow your soul!!
Raziel finally eats the soul and suddenly, a second one appears from out of nowhere.
RAZIEL: Ooh! Dessert!
As soon as Raziel eats the second soul, a third appears. His health not quite full, he eats that one as well. But then a forth soul manifests. Raziel finally makes the connection, that every time he eats a soul, it is replaced with another one for him to devour.
RAZIEL: HURRAY! ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET!!! ^_^
Though time stands still in the spectral realm, what seems like several hours have passed. Mikoto walks in.
MZ: There you are! Where have you- Dear lord! What have you done to yourself?
Raziel is slumped against a wall. His stomach, filled with numerous souls, has swollen to ten times its original size. A soul flutters around Raziel's prone body. Raziel, weak from overindulgence, slowly pulls his cowl down and struggles to pull in the soul.
RAZIEL: Two hundred and ninety-eight..
MZ: TWO HUNDRED AND NINETY-EIGHT! You've eaten two hundred and ninety-eight souls?
Raziel pulls his cowl down again, and sucks in another soul.
RAZIEL: Two hundred and ninety-nine..
MZ: You glutton! How could you gorge yourself like that?
RAZIEL: (after eating another soul) Three hundred!
MZ: That's enough! Get your ass up!
RAZIEL: Can't. Too full.
MZ: Alright. I've got a solution. : )
Mikoto pulls out one of her pin-sized Soul Reaver replicas and approaches Raziel with a menacing look.
RAZIEL: No! Not the Soul Reaver! Don't let it imprison me!
Raziel struggles to escape, but he is unable to get up because of his oversized gut. Mikoto jabs the Reaver replica at his stomach and BAM! Raziel's tummy is popped like a balloon. Two hundred something souls escape and disappear as they fly away.
RAZIEL: (distraught) All those poor, unfortunate souls... They were supposed to be my lunch..
MZ: I've been waiting around long enough. It's time for you to continue your training. Now get a move on!
RAZIEL: Why can't you do my training for me?
MZ: I've got better things to do.
RAZIEL: Like what?
MZ: Like trading skin care treatments with Melchiah. Speaking of which, I'm late already. I'll see you later. (vanishes)
Raziel begins to proceed to his next task, when he pauses for a moment in contemplation.
RAZIEL: Skin care treatments with Melchiah? Doesn't he have the WORST complexion on all of Nosgoth?
MZ: Yeah, he did. Until you were reborn.
RAZIEL: Wha- Hey! That hurt! Wait a second. I thought you were leaving!
MZ: I am. (disappears again.)
Refocused on his training, Raziel comes to a series of ledges of which he must leap onto, and chasms he must jump across. He comes to the final chasm, which is a much farther distance than the previous ones.
EG: Your wings, though ruined--
RAZIEL: Wait, wait. I think I can figure this one out on my own. It's not like I didn't just jumped across a bunch of chasms a few moments ago. I think I've got the hang of it by now.
Raziel leaps off the cliff. To his utter disbelief, he fails to reach the other side. Hell, he doesn't even make it halfway across. He finds that he has to climb the cliffs once again.
RAZIEL: Son of a…
Raziel returns to the chasm. The Elder God attempts his instruction again.
EG: Your wings, though ruined, are not-
RAZIEL: I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!
Again, Raziel performs what would be a suicide leap if it were attempted by a mortal. Raziel gets about halfway across, and when he feels he is about to descend, he desperately flaps his arms to stay aloft. But, alas, he again finds himself falling to the landing below.
RAZIEL: Damnit!
Raziel begins his climb for the third time. Severely out of breath, he makes it to the summit once again.
EG: Your wings, though ruined, are not without purpose. Take hold-
RAZIEL: Wait. Before you go on. Let me ask you this.
EG: (irritated) What is it?
RAZIEL: What the hell is that blue energy thing blocking off the tunnel on the other side? And why the hell is it there?
EG: It is an energy field. I've put it there so that you cannot progress until you have listened to and obeyed my instruction. The instruction that you have thus far chosen to ignore.
RAZIEL: You mean, the instruction that will tell me how to get across this chasm?
EG: Precisely.
RAZIEL: Okay. Another question.
EG: What?
RAZIEL: How is it, that the blue energy field can effectively hold me back, when I can't even reach it in the first place?
EG: Er, I.. um..
RAZIEL: Wouldn't I have to listen to your instructions to even get near that energy field to begin with? Doesn't that make your little energy field pointless and irrelevant? Can't you do anything more useful with that energy thingy? Like, perhaps, make me a bridge so that I can cross this chasm?
EG: (annoyed) Listen, I am not here to make your journey easier for you.
RAZIEL: Yes you are. You're supposed to be telling me how to do things.
EG: (enraged) IF YOU WOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE, THEN WE WOULDN'T EVEN BE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW!
RAZIEL: Okay, okay. I'll listen. Jeez. Don't get your tentacles in a knot.
EG: Your wings, though ruined, are not without purpose. Take hold of them as you leap, and they will carry you across this chasm.
RAZIEL: (skeptical) I don't know if it'll work. These bed sheets Mikoto gave me for wings don't look like they'll hold. Well, here goes nothing..
Raziel leaps off the cliff. At the pinnacle of his leap, he takes hold of his wings. The flaps of cotton hold him aloft and his descent is slowed. With ease, he lands gracefully on the other side of the chasm.
RAZIEL: Well, what do you know? It worked! (to EG) Why didn't you tell me to do that sooner?
EG: (to self) Don't kill him. You need him to destroy Kain. Don't kill him. You need him to destroy Kain. Don't kill-
RAZIEL: Uh, I think I'll leave you alone to your insane rambling.
The energy field over the tunnel dissipates and Raziel continues onward.
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Okay, this seems like a good place to leave off. A few pages shorter than Chapter one, but if I were to keep going, this chapter may very well end up being fifteen pages long. And that's just too long for me. I tend to get lost in chapters that are too long. Especially since this chapter doesn't seem as interesting as the first one. Or maybe it is. I don't know. What do you think?
Oh, and I'd like to thank all those who reviewed. Without them I might not have continued this story. As thanks, everyone who reviewed gets their own needle-sized Reaver replicas and a voodoo doll of any LoK character of their choice. : D