A Bloody… Parody? Soul Reaver
Chapter Three: Training: Part Two
After finally (and correctly) leaping the gap, (and stressing the Elder God into a near nervous breakdown) Raziel finds himself in a chamber with ravenous beasts below him.
RAZIEL: Holy mother of… What scabrous wretches are these? They've got the nastiest asses I've ever seen! Don't they bother clothing themselves?
ELDER GOD: Like you're one to talk, Raziel.
RAZIEL: Shut up. What are they anyway?
EG: Sluagh, the scavengers of the underworld. Their feral hunger has claimed countless souls - spirits who now shall never find their rest.
RAZIEL: Souls?? They're eating MY souls? How dare they! DIE, BASTARDS!!!
Raziel leaps down upon the unsuspecting Sluagh. After horrifically slaughtering the poor, defenseless sluagh, Raziel take a moment to rest. While he does so, Mikoto enters the chamber and takes in the scene around her. Blood has spattered the walls. Gore and unidentifiable body parts are haphazardly strewn about the room. Raziel stands in the middle of the carnage, leaning on the pole-arm weapon he had used to vanquish his prey. Mikoto looks at him skeptically.
MIKOTO: You KNOW none of this makes any sense, don't you? And just where did you get that weapon from?
RAZIEL: I just picked it up.
Mikoto gives him another skeptical look.
RAZIEL: What? You thought I should just kill them with my bare claws?
MIKOTO: That's what they're there for…
RAZIEL: Well, what fun is THAT?
MIKOTO: You're in the spectral realm… You can't use weapons here. (takes pole-arm away from Raz)
RAZIEL: Says who?
MIKOTO: Says me! Now if you don't get moving, I'm gonna shove this pole-arm up your ass!
RAZIEL: Eww… but it's got Sluagh blood on it…
MIKOTO: And sluagh aren't supposed to have blood!
RAZIEL: (after glancing around at the gore) Could've fooled me…
MIKOTO: GET OUT OF HERE!
RAZIEL: Eep! (runs away)
Raziel soon comes to an open area, where he sees a blue, swirly vortex of energy. After staring at it for a moment, Raziel rubs his eyes, and looks again. To his disbelief, the swirly, blue light is still there.
RAZIEL: Man, I just KNEW I shouldn't have smoked that stuff Turel gave to me. Whatever was in that is STILL making me trip…
EG: You are not hallucinating, Raziel. These portals are your conduit between the spirit and material realms. With their aid, you may gather matter and will yourself to become manifest in the physical world.
RAZIEL: Ah! So I don't have to stay in this dump for all eternity then?
EG: (annoyed) No, you don't. You are free to roam the physical realm. This is taxing, however - your strength must first be fully restored. You require no conduit to return to this plane - you may abandon your physical body at any time.
Raziel cautiously steps upon the portal and shifts to the material realm. He experiences a strange vertigo as he makes the transition.
RAZIEL: Woah! That was the strangest feeling ever! That made this weird 'flip-flop' feeling in my stomach!
MIKOTO: (from behind Raz) That's impossible. You have no stomach.
RAZIEL: (turns around in surprise) How'd you get here so fast?
MIKOTO: I come and go as I please.
RAZIEL: Well then, can you please 'go'? You make me nervous.
MIKOTO: : P Hehehe. Okay. I'll leave you be. For now… (disappears)
EG: (to Raziel) Sustain your strength to prolong your manifestation in the physical world. If you fail to feed, or absorb too many wounds, this fragile matter will dissolve.
While the EG has been giving his little speech, Raziel has been continuously shifting back and forth between the two realms, completely ignoring EG's advice.
RAZIEL: (chanting while shifting) Spectral… Material… Spectral… Material… Spectral…
EG: Raziel.
RAZIEL: Spectral… Material…
EG: Raziel!
RAZIEL: Huh? Wha?
EG: Have you been listening to me?
RAZIEL: Oh! I'm sorry. Did you say something?
Raziel continues to the next corridor. Just as he enters the hallway, there is a pit of water at his feet. He stops and gazes at it hesitantly.
EG: You are young yet Raziel -
RAZIEL: 'Young'? I'm over a thousand years old…
EG: Just please listen to me this time Raziel - you still retain many of your vampiric weaknesses.
RAZIEL: Weaknesses! I'm supposed to be your 'Angel of Death'! I'm not supposed to have weaknesses! How am I supposed to carry out your will if I have weaknesses? Why didn't you make me invincible or something!
EG: Because then the game would be too easy.
RAZIEL: Oh, yeah. Good point. Please continue.
EG: Immersion in water, while not fatal, will dissolve your physical body, forcing your return to the spirit world.
While EG has been talking, Raziel has decided to investigate EG's water theory.
EG: What are you doing?
RAZIEL: Heehee… This is cool.
Raziel has a claw submerged in the water. The water bubbles and boils around Raziel's flesh, like a hunk of bone in a vat of acid. Raziel's claw slowly dissolves, but being un-un-dead, he does not feel any pain.
EG: Be aware that in the spectral realm, water has neither heft nor lift. It stands as thin as air. You know, you should really stop doing that, lest you want your whole arm to dissolve.
RAZIEL: I know what I'm doing.
EG: And where have I heard THAT one before??
RAZIEL: (pulls his arm up) Look, I'm not gonna go burning off my entire ar- (looks at the stump that used to be his hand) WAAAHHHH!!!! My hand! My poor precious hand! It's gone!
EG: That'll teach ya…
After Raz's hand grows back, he continues onward. He comes to another open room. From the safety of a high ledge, Raziel spots two hideous creatures and a single human. The human sits on one side of a table while the creatures sit on the other side.
HUMAN: Blackjack! Dealer wins!
RAZIEL: Ew… These guys are even more hideous than the sluagh. What are these creatures?
EG: Do you not recognize them? They are the children of your brother, Dumah.
RAZIEL: That's impossible - these foul, scuttling beasts could not be kin of our high blood. (after a moment of thought) Then again, we ARE talking about Dumah's children here…
EG: Do you suppose that time stood still for you, Raziel? Much has changed since you passed from the world of men.
RAZIEL: That's true. After all, a couple of Dumahim wouldn't be playing Blackjack with a human when I was a vampire.
Raziel continues to watch the trio below him with mild curiosity.
HUMAN: Dealer has 21. You lose again.
DUMAHIM #1: That's the forty-seventh time in a row!
DUMAHIM #2: Yeah! I think he's cheating!
HUMAN: I'm not cheating! You guys are just too stupid to know when to stop before busting.
DUMAHIM #2: So we're stupid, huh? (rises from his seat aggressively)
HUMAN: (panicked) I didn't mean stupid! What I meant is that it's taking you a while to catch on to the rules!
DUMAHIM #1: Oh! So now we're slow too? (throws table, cards fly everywhere) Let's get him!
The two vampires pounce on the human, viciously tearing his flesh apart. Limbs are torn from his body. As he screams his last breath, they drain him of his blood.
RAZIEL: (trying not to hurl) That was the most disgusting, wretched thing I have ever seen! Those are DEFINITELY Dumah's children. That guy never had good table manners…
During his attempt not to vomit, Raziel's grip on the ledge slips, and he falls from the edge. With a loud splash, he falls into the water below, and instantly dissolves. The two Dumahim have obviously heard the commotion and go to investigate.
DUMAHIM #1: What was that?
DUMAHIM #2: I donno. There's nothing here…
Raziel rematerializes.
RAZIEL: Damn that sucked.
DUMAHIM #2: Hey! Who are you?
Raziel ignores the inquiry and approaches the vampires as he speaks.
RAZIEL: I knew my opponents' weaknesses, having suffered them myself.
DUMAHIM #1: (whispers to D#2) Who is he talking to?
DUMAHIM #2: (whispers back) I don't know… but did he just call us his opponents?
RAZIEL: Physical wounds are fleeting - a vampire's immortal flesh begins to close as soon as it is cleaved.
DUMAHIM #1: Dude, what's he doing?
RAZIEL: Vampires need only fear wounds that impale or inflame.
DUMAHIM #2: I think he's threatening us.
RAZIEL: Water scorches like acid, and fledglings are devastated by sunlight's touch.
DUMAHIM #1: No, I think he wants to kill us.
DUMAHIM #2: (angry) You just HAD to pick a room that had water, sunlight, AND a spike-thingy on the wall, didn't you?
DUMAHIM #1: (sheepishly) Well, I thought this place seemed like a good idea at the time…
RAZIEL: I would have to modify my tactics to suit my foes.
Raziel advances on the vampires.
DUMAHIM #2: This guy's for serious!
DUMAHIM #1: Hey dude, whatever it is we did, we didn't mean it! AAUGGHHH!!!
Unfortunately for the vampires, Raziel disregards their attempted pleas for mercy. One vampire is treated to a nice watery grave. The other, is pleasantly impaled on the 'spike-thingy on the wall'. With the vampires dead, their souls begin to float around the room.
EG: Unfettered from the flesh, a creature's souls fades swiftly into the spectral realm. Draw it in quickly, Raziel, or you will be compelled to follow.
RAZIEL: BURP!
EG: (disgusted) You ate their souls already? You didn't even give me enough time to finish my dialogue!
RAZIEL: Hey, you don't need to tell me twice when there's free food for the taking.
Raziel strides over to a large block along the far wall.
EG: Your physical prowess surpasses what you knew in life. Even massive obstacles can be moved effortlessly.
RAZIEL: What? You want me to move this big block thing?
EG: Yes, Raziel. You now have the strength to do so.
RAZIEL: But I just ate! I'll get a muscle cramp if I don't wait a while first!
MIKOTO: (pops in from out of nowhere) Damn it, Raziel! We don't have all day! Just move the friggin' block!
RAZIEL: Why should I? I'm gonna be moving the damn things throughout the rest of the game! I can skip this first one.
MIKOTO: Idiot! If you don't do this first one, you won't get to the rest!
RAZIEL: All the better!
The pole-arm covered in sluagh blood reappears in Mikoto's hand. She holds it up threateningly.
MIKOTO: Move it, or else!
RAZIEL: (panicked) Alright! Alright! I'll do it!
Raziel starts to move the block. He pulls it slightly away from the wall, then suddenly clutches his back.
RAZIEL: OW! My back! It hurts! I think I tore a muscle!
MIKOTO: Faker! (smacks him across the back with the pole-arm)
RAZIEL: OOWWWW! (crashes to the ground) I can't move!
MIKOTO: Damn it, Raziel. You're so damn lazy. I'll move it myself.
Mikoto proceeds to move the block for Raziel, placing it below the next ledge.
MIKOTO: There. Are you happy now? You didn't have to move it! Now you may continue.
RAZIEL: No, I can't. I really can't move…
MIKOTO: Oh, for heaven's sake!
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Chapter three done. Sorry if it seems a little dull, but how else can I make the training sessions funny? Well, as soon as Raziel recovers from his 'back injury', the next chapter will bring him to the Sanctuary, the Lake of the Dead, and to his clan lands.
And reviews are always appreciated! ^_^
Chapter Three: Training: Part Two
After finally (and correctly) leaping the gap, (and stressing the Elder God into a near nervous breakdown) Raziel finds himself in a chamber with ravenous beasts below him.
RAZIEL: Holy mother of… What scabrous wretches are these? They've got the nastiest asses I've ever seen! Don't they bother clothing themselves?
ELDER GOD: Like you're one to talk, Raziel.
RAZIEL: Shut up. What are they anyway?
EG: Sluagh, the scavengers of the underworld. Their feral hunger has claimed countless souls - spirits who now shall never find their rest.
RAZIEL: Souls?? They're eating MY souls? How dare they! DIE, BASTARDS!!!
Raziel leaps down upon the unsuspecting Sluagh. After horrifically slaughtering the poor, defenseless sluagh, Raziel take a moment to rest. While he does so, Mikoto enters the chamber and takes in the scene around her. Blood has spattered the walls. Gore and unidentifiable body parts are haphazardly strewn about the room. Raziel stands in the middle of the carnage, leaning on the pole-arm weapon he had used to vanquish his prey. Mikoto looks at him skeptically.
MIKOTO: You KNOW none of this makes any sense, don't you? And just where did you get that weapon from?
RAZIEL: I just picked it up.
Mikoto gives him another skeptical look.
RAZIEL: What? You thought I should just kill them with my bare claws?
MIKOTO: That's what they're there for…
RAZIEL: Well, what fun is THAT?
MIKOTO: You're in the spectral realm… You can't use weapons here. (takes pole-arm away from Raz)
RAZIEL: Says who?
MIKOTO: Says me! Now if you don't get moving, I'm gonna shove this pole-arm up your ass!
RAZIEL: Eww… but it's got Sluagh blood on it…
MIKOTO: And sluagh aren't supposed to have blood!
RAZIEL: (after glancing around at the gore) Could've fooled me…
MIKOTO: GET OUT OF HERE!
RAZIEL: Eep! (runs away)
Raziel soon comes to an open area, where he sees a blue, swirly vortex of energy. After staring at it for a moment, Raziel rubs his eyes, and looks again. To his disbelief, the swirly, blue light is still there.
RAZIEL: Man, I just KNEW I shouldn't have smoked that stuff Turel gave to me. Whatever was in that is STILL making me trip…
EG: You are not hallucinating, Raziel. These portals are your conduit between the spirit and material realms. With their aid, you may gather matter and will yourself to become manifest in the physical world.
RAZIEL: Ah! So I don't have to stay in this dump for all eternity then?
EG: (annoyed) No, you don't. You are free to roam the physical realm. This is taxing, however - your strength must first be fully restored. You require no conduit to return to this plane - you may abandon your physical body at any time.
Raziel cautiously steps upon the portal and shifts to the material realm. He experiences a strange vertigo as he makes the transition.
RAZIEL: Woah! That was the strangest feeling ever! That made this weird 'flip-flop' feeling in my stomach!
MIKOTO: (from behind Raz) That's impossible. You have no stomach.
RAZIEL: (turns around in surprise) How'd you get here so fast?
MIKOTO: I come and go as I please.
RAZIEL: Well then, can you please 'go'? You make me nervous.
MIKOTO: : P Hehehe. Okay. I'll leave you be. For now… (disappears)
EG: (to Raziel) Sustain your strength to prolong your manifestation in the physical world. If you fail to feed, or absorb too many wounds, this fragile matter will dissolve.
While the EG has been giving his little speech, Raziel has been continuously shifting back and forth between the two realms, completely ignoring EG's advice.
RAZIEL: (chanting while shifting) Spectral… Material… Spectral… Material… Spectral…
EG: Raziel.
RAZIEL: Spectral… Material…
EG: Raziel!
RAZIEL: Huh? Wha?
EG: Have you been listening to me?
RAZIEL: Oh! I'm sorry. Did you say something?
Raziel continues to the next corridor. Just as he enters the hallway, there is a pit of water at his feet. He stops and gazes at it hesitantly.
EG: You are young yet Raziel -
RAZIEL: 'Young'? I'm over a thousand years old…
EG: Just please listen to me this time Raziel - you still retain many of your vampiric weaknesses.
RAZIEL: Weaknesses! I'm supposed to be your 'Angel of Death'! I'm not supposed to have weaknesses! How am I supposed to carry out your will if I have weaknesses? Why didn't you make me invincible or something!
EG: Because then the game would be too easy.
RAZIEL: Oh, yeah. Good point. Please continue.
EG: Immersion in water, while not fatal, will dissolve your physical body, forcing your return to the spirit world.
While EG has been talking, Raziel has decided to investigate EG's water theory.
EG: What are you doing?
RAZIEL: Heehee… This is cool.
Raziel has a claw submerged in the water. The water bubbles and boils around Raziel's flesh, like a hunk of bone in a vat of acid. Raziel's claw slowly dissolves, but being un-un-dead, he does not feel any pain.
EG: Be aware that in the spectral realm, water has neither heft nor lift. It stands as thin as air. You know, you should really stop doing that, lest you want your whole arm to dissolve.
RAZIEL: I know what I'm doing.
EG: And where have I heard THAT one before??
RAZIEL: (pulls his arm up) Look, I'm not gonna go burning off my entire ar- (looks at the stump that used to be his hand) WAAAHHHH!!!! My hand! My poor precious hand! It's gone!
EG: That'll teach ya…
After Raz's hand grows back, he continues onward. He comes to another open room. From the safety of a high ledge, Raziel spots two hideous creatures and a single human. The human sits on one side of a table while the creatures sit on the other side.
HUMAN: Blackjack! Dealer wins!
RAZIEL: Ew… These guys are even more hideous than the sluagh. What are these creatures?
EG: Do you not recognize them? They are the children of your brother, Dumah.
RAZIEL: That's impossible - these foul, scuttling beasts could not be kin of our high blood. (after a moment of thought) Then again, we ARE talking about Dumah's children here…
EG: Do you suppose that time stood still for you, Raziel? Much has changed since you passed from the world of men.
RAZIEL: That's true. After all, a couple of Dumahim wouldn't be playing Blackjack with a human when I was a vampire.
Raziel continues to watch the trio below him with mild curiosity.
HUMAN: Dealer has 21. You lose again.
DUMAHIM #1: That's the forty-seventh time in a row!
DUMAHIM #2: Yeah! I think he's cheating!
HUMAN: I'm not cheating! You guys are just too stupid to know when to stop before busting.
DUMAHIM #2: So we're stupid, huh? (rises from his seat aggressively)
HUMAN: (panicked) I didn't mean stupid! What I meant is that it's taking you a while to catch on to the rules!
DUMAHIM #1: Oh! So now we're slow too? (throws table, cards fly everywhere) Let's get him!
The two vampires pounce on the human, viciously tearing his flesh apart. Limbs are torn from his body. As he screams his last breath, they drain him of his blood.
RAZIEL: (trying not to hurl) That was the most disgusting, wretched thing I have ever seen! Those are DEFINITELY Dumah's children. That guy never had good table manners…
During his attempt not to vomit, Raziel's grip on the ledge slips, and he falls from the edge. With a loud splash, he falls into the water below, and instantly dissolves. The two Dumahim have obviously heard the commotion and go to investigate.
DUMAHIM #1: What was that?
DUMAHIM #2: I donno. There's nothing here…
Raziel rematerializes.
RAZIEL: Damn that sucked.
DUMAHIM #2: Hey! Who are you?
Raziel ignores the inquiry and approaches the vampires as he speaks.
RAZIEL: I knew my opponents' weaknesses, having suffered them myself.
DUMAHIM #1: (whispers to D#2) Who is he talking to?
DUMAHIM #2: (whispers back) I don't know… but did he just call us his opponents?
RAZIEL: Physical wounds are fleeting - a vampire's immortal flesh begins to close as soon as it is cleaved.
DUMAHIM #1: Dude, what's he doing?
RAZIEL: Vampires need only fear wounds that impale or inflame.
DUMAHIM #2: I think he's threatening us.
RAZIEL: Water scorches like acid, and fledglings are devastated by sunlight's touch.
DUMAHIM #1: No, I think he wants to kill us.
DUMAHIM #2: (angry) You just HAD to pick a room that had water, sunlight, AND a spike-thingy on the wall, didn't you?
DUMAHIM #1: (sheepishly) Well, I thought this place seemed like a good idea at the time…
RAZIEL: I would have to modify my tactics to suit my foes.
Raziel advances on the vampires.
DUMAHIM #2: This guy's for serious!
DUMAHIM #1: Hey dude, whatever it is we did, we didn't mean it! AAUGGHHH!!!
Unfortunately for the vampires, Raziel disregards their attempted pleas for mercy. One vampire is treated to a nice watery grave. The other, is pleasantly impaled on the 'spike-thingy on the wall'. With the vampires dead, their souls begin to float around the room.
EG: Unfettered from the flesh, a creature's souls fades swiftly into the spectral realm. Draw it in quickly, Raziel, or you will be compelled to follow.
RAZIEL: BURP!
EG: (disgusted) You ate their souls already? You didn't even give me enough time to finish my dialogue!
RAZIEL: Hey, you don't need to tell me twice when there's free food for the taking.
Raziel strides over to a large block along the far wall.
EG: Your physical prowess surpasses what you knew in life. Even massive obstacles can be moved effortlessly.
RAZIEL: What? You want me to move this big block thing?
EG: Yes, Raziel. You now have the strength to do so.
RAZIEL: But I just ate! I'll get a muscle cramp if I don't wait a while first!
MIKOTO: (pops in from out of nowhere) Damn it, Raziel! We don't have all day! Just move the friggin' block!
RAZIEL: Why should I? I'm gonna be moving the damn things throughout the rest of the game! I can skip this first one.
MIKOTO: Idiot! If you don't do this first one, you won't get to the rest!
RAZIEL: All the better!
The pole-arm covered in sluagh blood reappears in Mikoto's hand. She holds it up threateningly.
MIKOTO: Move it, or else!
RAZIEL: (panicked) Alright! Alright! I'll do it!
Raziel starts to move the block. He pulls it slightly away from the wall, then suddenly clutches his back.
RAZIEL: OW! My back! It hurts! I think I tore a muscle!
MIKOTO: Faker! (smacks him across the back with the pole-arm)
RAZIEL: OOWWWW! (crashes to the ground) I can't move!
MIKOTO: Damn it, Raziel. You're so damn lazy. I'll move it myself.
Mikoto proceeds to move the block for Raziel, placing it below the next ledge.
MIKOTO: There. Are you happy now? You didn't have to move it! Now you may continue.
RAZIEL: No, I can't. I really can't move…
MIKOTO: Oh, for heaven's sake!
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Chapter three done. Sorry if it seems a little dull, but how else can I make the training sessions funny? Well, as soon as Raziel recovers from his 'back injury', the next chapter will bring him to the Sanctuary, the Lake of the Dead, and to his clan lands.
And reviews are always appreciated! ^_^