Authors Note- Okay, So I switched the rating back from R, to PG 13, cause I feel its suitable, maybe pushing the line a bit. If I feel there is something in a chapter some people may not want to read, I will warn everyone. I will rate the individual chapters on what I think they rank as, but most are PG 13... Thanks for the reviews!!!
Rating- PG 13 There is language so I am warning you of that.
"Is it just me, or does this damn stack of charts seem to grow by the second?" I look at Susan, who laughs then rolls her eyes at me.
"The joys of being an ER doc." She says dryly. True, very true. Especially a County ER Doctor. I throw my last chart on top of the towering stack. One more and it will be tumbling to the floor. I straighten it out then sit down on the gurney. Susan watches me, she's going to start talking any second now, and I am not sure I want to listen to what she has to say. I pick up the first chart, skimming over it. I look up at her, our eyes meeting. "You know, people are going to suspect something if we are alone in an exam room together."
"You probably want them too." I roll my eyes. Yeah, all I need is more rumours circulating about me at this damn hospital. I already have people whispering about Abby and myself. The rumour mills were in full throttle when Rebecca died. The whispers seemed so distant yet so loud, during that period. Everything was so jumbled, so confusing, I thought I was finally getting things together, then in waltz Abby in all her glory. She is definitely one to go to if you want trouble. She can't keep her own damn life together. "So, how's Abby?" She asks nonchalantly, as she plops down beside me on the gurney. That's Susan for yah, one to bring up something at the absolute worst time.
"I don't know. You should probably ask her if you want to know." I dead pan. She rolls her eyes then swats my arm. "Look Susan-" I start but she cuts me off.
"Its complicated?" She says sarcastically. All I need right now is her intruding ways, and sarcasm.
"No. Exact opposite actually. We have nothing. Nothing at all. Its that simple. We are two separate people, leading two separate lives." She looks shocked. Why shouldn't she? It completely contradicts what I told her yesterday. But yesterday I didn't know better. I thought Abby was this women who could complete me. Turns out its the exact opposite. She'll only bring me down, drag me into her pool of misery, she'll take my children with her, that's the last thing I need. I can feel my muscles tense just thinking about her. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be less bitter about her. But right now is not a good time for her to be near me. Especially after last night, coming to my house drunk, when my children are there? How fucking selfish do you have to be to do that... She's not the type of person I want to be around. I misread her. I misread her intentions, she can go back to relying on Susan, because I'm through. I'm not going to be someone she fucks around with when the time is right. I need more from a relationship then that. She wants all take. That's not how it goes.
"What?" She looks thrown, I just take a deep breath and prepare to continue. I might as well tell her, she will just get the condensed version from Abby. The lies, everything she's conjured up to make me look bad.
"She showed up at my place drunk last night, she was looking for sympathy, Susan. Something she will not get from me." I turn my gaze away from hers the minute I finish. Focusing on my work.
"Huh." She says, I look up to see her shaking her head. "She was drinking?" I nod, "You gave her no sympathy?" I agree again, why should I? She doesn't deserve it. "She's alcoholic Carter." She says flatly. "Yeah, her mother and brother are both bi polar. She raised her brother, who is only a few years younger then her. She had a shitty childhood. She was in a loveless marriage, followed by a loveless relationship with Luka. She found comfort in you. She really did. Abby doesn't open up to many people, hell she just started opening up to me this year. She took an instant liking to you, but no, you just act like a complete jerk." The words hit me like a thousand knives. I can't breathe. I feel as though my lungs are collapsing in on me. "You do have a reason to be upset. She is taking, she's relying on you for support, not giving you any back, but don't shut her out Carter. Don't be heartless. Cause I know you, and you're a nice guy." She stares at me for a second before finishing off. "At least I thought I knew you." She shakes her head, then leaves the room. Leaving me alone with my thoughts, which at this point, can be a dangerous thing. More secrets, she never told me any of this. Maybe she would have with time. I just don't know anymore. I throw my pen down, flopping down on the gurney. Great, this is just great, fucking great.
~*~
The day is done. I have been pushing this moment all day, I even begged Pratt to cover the end of my shift for me. That was a big mistake. I leave the hospital, my tired feet dragging against the cement, the cool breeze running through my hair, the sweat slowly subsiding. The streets are completely deserted, except for one person. The lone soul sits on the bench, her feet swaying with the wind. I watch as her hairs dance in the air, her eyes lost and hollow.
"Hey." I stand behind her, she doesn't turn around, she knew who it was before I even opened my mouth. She shakes her head, pulling the loose strands of hairs down and behind her ears.
"Hi." She whispers it, she doesn't bother to turn around, I don't bother to move closer. I watch as she nervously picks at the bench, the fraying would coming off in her tiny fingers, she breaks them, tossing them to the ground.
"You're a drunk," it comes out as more of a statement, a clarification. She stands up slowly, her eyes meeting mine.
"What do you care? You said you didn't want me in your life-" She spits, her voice heavy with anger, tears on their way down her cheeks.
"You know, you're something else. You show up at my apartment completely trashed, and act as though I am the bad one. You rip my heart out of my chest-" I'm yelling now, she is not going to take it, a look of determination, strewn across her face.
"You ended it Carter. You didn't listen to me, you didn't hear me out." She says taking a step closer. I didn't end it. She's the one who pulled away from every kiss, covered every emotion with a false smile. I was honest with her, she couldn't do the same for me. All I heard were endless lies, during our short lived romance, or whatever the fuck you want to call it.
"Right, right. Yeah, its all on me. Its always someone else's fault, never yours Abby, I'm sick of it. I'm fucking sick of it."
"You already got rid of me. So if you're so fucking sick of it, why the hell are you here?" Because I can't imagine my life without you, you're everything to me. You complete me. You're the one I need, the reason I look forward to going to work, the reason I haven't quit yet. You consume me, take my over, when you cry so do I, when you laugh I can't help but laugh. Even when I don't understand the joke. When I see you with my son I know it was meant to be, I know you are the perfect one for me. I will do anything to be with you. Earlier was just a mistake, a moment of rage, we all have them and that was mine, that was my moment. I could never be mad at you for long. You frustrate me. You don't know how great you really are, you close yourself off to the world, never letting anyone in. Only a privileged few, I got to be one of those. I wrecked it.
I can't say any of this. I just watch her. She looks at me for answers, for anything. All I manage to do is choke over my unsaid words. She shakes her head. "Great... I should have known not to trust you." She laughs bitterly. Why am to blame all of the sudden?
"Yeah, that's how it is Abby, I gave up on you. You're the one who didn't want a relationship with me to begin with. Okay? See, its you!" I shout at her, not exactly what I wanted to tell her, but I guess it will have to do. "You're the one who blocked me out, who was so fucking selfish-" A tear makes its way down her cheek.
"Fuck you, Carter." She screeches at me through sobs. Her hands push her hair way from her face, the tears are flowing down her cheeks now, to add to this lovely scene, a light rain has fallen. I watch as she stands there, vulnerable, crying. "Just fuck you, fuck you." She whispers it, taking a step away from me. Her voice breaking. "I-" She stops herself, yeah like she could admit to loving or even being attracted to someone. Honesty is impossibility for her.
"I can't-" I try to say something, but just like her, I am at a loss for words.
"I'm granting your wish. I'm leaving. You never have to see me again." She leaves. Its as simple as that. She's gone. Here last statement echoes through my head. Knowing Abby, that doesn't mean switching hospitals. That means something a lot more drastic. I take off after her.
~Review Responses~ (If I didn't get to your review in this chapter... I will in the next!)
smilez4eva- No.. Not a happy chapter :(
~Preview~
He grabs me once again, fighting the rain, the wind, the forces. Both arms are effected by his grip, holding on tighter than he had before. I feel like the flow of blood to my hands has stopped. I can still get away. I have to get away. I can't love him. I simply can't.
Rating- PG 13 There is language so I am warning you of that.
"Is it just me, or does this damn stack of charts seem to grow by the second?" I look at Susan, who laughs then rolls her eyes at me.
"The joys of being an ER doc." She says dryly. True, very true. Especially a County ER Doctor. I throw my last chart on top of the towering stack. One more and it will be tumbling to the floor. I straighten it out then sit down on the gurney. Susan watches me, she's going to start talking any second now, and I am not sure I want to listen to what she has to say. I pick up the first chart, skimming over it. I look up at her, our eyes meeting. "You know, people are going to suspect something if we are alone in an exam room together."
"You probably want them too." I roll my eyes. Yeah, all I need is more rumours circulating about me at this damn hospital. I already have people whispering about Abby and myself. The rumour mills were in full throttle when Rebecca died. The whispers seemed so distant yet so loud, during that period. Everything was so jumbled, so confusing, I thought I was finally getting things together, then in waltz Abby in all her glory. She is definitely one to go to if you want trouble. She can't keep her own damn life together. "So, how's Abby?" She asks nonchalantly, as she plops down beside me on the gurney. That's Susan for yah, one to bring up something at the absolute worst time.
"I don't know. You should probably ask her if you want to know." I dead pan. She rolls her eyes then swats my arm. "Look Susan-" I start but she cuts me off.
"Its complicated?" She says sarcastically. All I need right now is her intruding ways, and sarcasm.
"No. Exact opposite actually. We have nothing. Nothing at all. Its that simple. We are two separate people, leading two separate lives." She looks shocked. Why shouldn't she? It completely contradicts what I told her yesterday. But yesterday I didn't know better. I thought Abby was this women who could complete me. Turns out its the exact opposite. She'll only bring me down, drag me into her pool of misery, she'll take my children with her, that's the last thing I need. I can feel my muscles tense just thinking about her. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be less bitter about her. But right now is not a good time for her to be near me. Especially after last night, coming to my house drunk, when my children are there? How fucking selfish do you have to be to do that... She's not the type of person I want to be around. I misread her. I misread her intentions, she can go back to relying on Susan, because I'm through. I'm not going to be someone she fucks around with when the time is right. I need more from a relationship then that. She wants all take. That's not how it goes.
"What?" She looks thrown, I just take a deep breath and prepare to continue. I might as well tell her, she will just get the condensed version from Abby. The lies, everything she's conjured up to make me look bad.
"She showed up at my place drunk last night, she was looking for sympathy, Susan. Something she will not get from me." I turn my gaze away from hers the minute I finish. Focusing on my work.
"Huh." She says, I look up to see her shaking her head. "She was drinking?" I nod, "You gave her no sympathy?" I agree again, why should I? She doesn't deserve it. "She's alcoholic Carter." She says flatly. "Yeah, her mother and brother are both bi polar. She raised her brother, who is only a few years younger then her. She had a shitty childhood. She was in a loveless marriage, followed by a loveless relationship with Luka. She found comfort in you. She really did. Abby doesn't open up to many people, hell she just started opening up to me this year. She took an instant liking to you, but no, you just act like a complete jerk." The words hit me like a thousand knives. I can't breathe. I feel as though my lungs are collapsing in on me. "You do have a reason to be upset. She is taking, she's relying on you for support, not giving you any back, but don't shut her out Carter. Don't be heartless. Cause I know you, and you're a nice guy." She stares at me for a second before finishing off. "At least I thought I knew you." She shakes her head, then leaves the room. Leaving me alone with my thoughts, which at this point, can be a dangerous thing. More secrets, she never told me any of this. Maybe she would have with time. I just don't know anymore. I throw my pen down, flopping down on the gurney. Great, this is just great, fucking great.
~*~
The day is done. I have been pushing this moment all day, I even begged Pratt to cover the end of my shift for me. That was a big mistake. I leave the hospital, my tired feet dragging against the cement, the cool breeze running through my hair, the sweat slowly subsiding. The streets are completely deserted, except for one person. The lone soul sits on the bench, her feet swaying with the wind. I watch as her hairs dance in the air, her eyes lost and hollow.
"Hey." I stand behind her, she doesn't turn around, she knew who it was before I even opened my mouth. She shakes her head, pulling the loose strands of hairs down and behind her ears.
"Hi." She whispers it, she doesn't bother to turn around, I don't bother to move closer. I watch as she nervously picks at the bench, the fraying would coming off in her tiny fingers, she breaks them, tossing them to the ground.
"You're a drunk," it comes out as more of a statement, a clarification. She stands up slowly, her eyes meeting mine.
"What do you care? You said you didn't want me in your life-" She spits, her voice heavy with anger, tears on their way down her cheeks.
"You know, you're something else. You show up at my apartment completely trashed, and act as though I am the bad one. You rip my heart out of my chest-" I'm yelling now, she is not going to take it, a look of determination, strewn across her face.
"You ended it Carter. You didn't listen to me, you didn't hear me out." She says taking a step closer. I didn't end it. She's the one who pulled away from every kiss, covered every emotion with a false smile. I was honest with her, she couldn't do the same for me. All I heard were endless lies, during our short lived romance, or whatever the fuck you want to call it.
"Right, right. Yeah, its all on me. Its always someone else's fault, never yours Abby, I'm sick of it. I'm fucking sick of it."
"You already got rid of me. So if you're so fucking sick of it, why the hell are you here?" Because I can't imagine my life without you, you're everything to me. You complete me. You're the one I need, the reason I look forward to going to work, the reason I haven't quit yet. You consume me, take my over, when you cry so do I, when you laugh I can't help but laugh. Even when I don't understand the joke. When I see you with my son I know it was meant to be, I know you are the perfect one for me. I will do anything to be with you. Earlier was just a mistake, a moment of rage, we all have them and that was mine, that was my moment. I could never be mad at you for long. You frustrate me. You don't know how great you really are, you close yourself off to the world, never letting anyone in. Only a privileged few, I got to be one of those. I wrecked it.
I can't say any of this. I just watch her. She looks at me for answers, for anything. All I manage to do is choke over my unsaid words. She shakes her head. "Great... I should have known not to trust you." She laughs bitterly. Why am to blame all of the sudden?
"Yeah, that's how it is Abby, I gave up on you. You're the one who didn't want a relationship with me to begin with. Okay? See, its you!" I shout at her, not exactly what I wanted to tell her, but I guess it will have to do. "You're the one who blocked me out, who was so fucking selfish-" A tear makes its way down her cheek.
"Fuck you, Carter." She screeches at me through sobs. Her hands push her hair way from her face, the tears are flowing down her cheeks now, to add to this lovely scene, a light rain has fallen. I watch as she stands there, vulnerable, crying. "Just fuck you, fuck you." She whispers it, taking a step away from me. Her voice breaking. "I-" She stops herself, yeah like she could admit to loving or even being attracted to someone. Honesty is impossibility for her.
"I can't-" I try to say something, but just like her, I am at a loss for words.
"I'm granting your wish. I'm leaving. You never have to see me again." She leaves. Its as simple as that. She's gone. Here last statement echoes through my head. Knowing Abby, that doesn't mean switching hospitals. That means something a lot more drastic. I take off after her.
~Review Responses~ (If I didn't get to your review in this chapter... I will in the next!)
smilez4eva- No.. Not a happy chapter :(
~Preview~
He grabs me once again, fighting the rain, the wind, the forces. Both arms are effected by his grip, holding on tighter than he had before. I feel like the flow of blood to my hands has stopped. I can still get away. I have to get away. I can't love him. I simply can't.