Too late to hide
And too tired to care
Take what you've learned
And forget the rest
Take what you see
Of what's left of me
You know where I've been
And I don't want to go there again
You're beautiful
You're confusing
You're illogical
You're amazing
And I've seen the world
It's overrated
Until you're everything
I have nothing
But an empty space
I've been down
This road before
All that I've found
Points me right back to you
And I've watch you move
From down below
Where do I go from here
I guess I'll find out as I go
You're beautiful
You're confusing
You're illogical
You're amazing
And I've seen the world
It's overrated
Until you're everything
I have nothing
But an empty space
Lifehouse- "Empty Space"
Julian's eyes were met with a familiar eerie darkness as he woke. He rose from his bunk and walked the short distance to the sink located inside his cell to wash his face. A whole day. He had gone a whole day without once thinking about dropping acid. It was thanks to Cammy. She had helped knock him some sense back into him. Today was a new day for him. He walked over to his bunk and pulled the acid stamps out, immediately flushing them down the toilet. He wanted nothing to do with drugs anymore. After shaving and combing his hair, Julian knelt by his bunk. All this time his cell mate hadn't budged. This was too early for him to be up. Julian signed the cross, before reciting a common prayer.
"In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Dear God, I know that You love me because You died on the Cross for me. I know that You want nothing for me but the best in the light of eternity. So I trust in your infinite wisdom and goodness and ask You to grant my request if it is according to Your holy will. I accept whatever You decide. I leave everything up to Your divine goodness and loving care. You are my God."
It was the prayer for acceptance of God's holy will, and it was perfect for Julian's predicament. He signed the cross again and rose, ready to begin the day as a new man. Ready to work towards the day he'd be released. A corrections officer approached the cell.
"I'm glad you're up Marquez. You have another visitor."
"Visiting hours aren't till one right?"
"Yeah, yeah. Well this is a special case. Let's go."
Julian allowed the CO to cuff him and followed him into the meeting area. He was guided to a table and motioned to sit. The officer spoke again.
"You sit here and don't move. I'm going to un-cuff you and leave the room, don't try any bullshit or you'll never see the outside of solitary confinement for the rest of your sentence. You visitor will be in shortly."
Julian nodded and placed his hands on the table after the officer left. This had never happened before. Hell, he'd had more visitors in the past three days then in his whole time here. Not counting his lawyer. Soon the door opposite him opened and another CO led a man in. Julian's breath caught. It was his father. His hair was the same, dark, shaven at the bottom, slightly longer at the top, except now there was grey around his temples. He still wore a mustache, though it too now held some grey. He was full blown Latino, not half like Julian, his dark olive skin gave credit to that. Julian sat perfectly still as his father scanned him, probably noting his size. After all they hadn't spoken to each other since Julian was sixteen, and had not seen each other since he was twelve. The CO left and he stayed standing. Julian spoke first.
"Pa?"
"Yeah son, it's me."
"I don't understand."
"What don't you understand?"
"Why now find me? Why not before?"
"When you disowned me, I did the same to you."
Julian felt his words tug at his heart. His father was always cruel to him, but now his words cut more than they ever did before. The same dull pain. Julian spoke.
"What the hell was I supposed to do?"
"You were supposed to be my son, supposed to take over the Latin Kings."
"It isn't what I wanted."
"Stop whining boy."
"Whining? I don't want to be a criminal for a living."
"So you come here instead."
"I'm here because of you."
"No, I covered your tracks. I kept you out of jail. You turned yourself in. You're here because of you."
"I never would have killed if it weren't for you."
"Don't feed me bullshit. I know about your Ma's lover. That little third rate dealer. Kinda glad you took him out. He was killing my business."
"You bastard."
"Quiet!"
Julian started to quiet down, honor thy father, fuck that.
"I'm not a kid anymore, Pa. You can't control me. I'm an adult. I made my choices and lived my life the best I could with the shitty hand I was dealt."
His father stood.
"Your choices are shitty! What the hell did you do? What the fuck in the world could you have possibly done to make Shadowlaw do this?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
It was getting heated. Julian's breaths were long and deep in an attempt to stay calm, it wasn't working. His father reached in his pocket, pulled a photo out, and slid it across the table. Julian picked it up. It was a young boy, maybe thirteen. Julian shrugged his shoulders before speaking.
"So?"
"So? Look at him. Look who he is."
Julian looked more closely at the photo. The boy looked to be the same ethnicity as him, had the same cerulean blue eyes, same plump lips and thick eyelashes. Julian's heart stopped as he dropped the photo and looked at his father. His father met his eyes and spoke.
"Dorian. His mother died when he was just five. His grandmother came to me, looking for you. Said you were the father. I thought it was bullshit until I saw him. He's your boy. Old lady tells me you raped her daughter a while ago. She was scared to look for you and tell you, scared of what you'd do. Said you were violent and other things. Anyway the grandmother couldn't take care of him so she had brought him to me to bring to you. But I kept him. He was my son."
"You didn't even try to fucking find me?"
"No."
Julian picked up the photo again, looking at the boy. Dorian Marquez, his flesh and blood. A child he never knew he had. He could feel the love bursting from his heart already. Is this what I was meant for Lord? He remembered the girl he had raped. He thought her so beautiful and had always wanted to find out who she was. Repay her in some way for the pain he had caused. Maybe this would fix it. His father's voice rose up again.
"I didn't find you because I wanted him. I needed him."
"Needed him?"
"I'm old son, I needed an heir."
"You what?!"
Julian was angry now. He could fully remember his father wanting the same of him. The hell he went through. And his poor baby had gone through the same.
"He was more of a son to me in the few years I was with him than you could ever be in a lifetime."
Julian was about to yell back until things caught up with him.
"What the fuck do you mean 'was'? What were you talking about my choice earlier?"
"He's dead. You killed your own son. Whatever you did, Shadowlaw killed him for it. Whatever secret you told or investor you turned in killed him. You killed your son."
Julian's heart stopped. He felt dizzy, then enraged as his father continued.
"Say something you sorry excuse for a man! Say something. How do you feel knowing you killed your son? He was everything you weren't, everything you will never be. He was strong, ruthless and he was cut down all because of you and you higher than thou morals!"
Julian screamed and leapt across the table, grabbing at his father's throat. He screamed in a stream of curses and words and he hit his father in any way he could.
"You fucker, he wouldn't be gone if it weren't fucking for you! You should have brought him to me, he's my son not yours. My son! If I would have known you shitty drug lord he wouldn't be gone! You took my baby! You took the only thing that could have brought meaning to my life you cocksucker! You condemned me to hell, you fucker! I hate you I fucking hate you! I'm going to kill you for this! Burn in Hell!"
Blood blinded Julian's vision as he beat down mercilessly on his father. He could feel his father wasn't moving when the CO's pulled him off, but he knew he wasn't dead. That much he knew. He was pulled struggling and screaming down the halls of the prison, to solitary confinement. The officers beat him, screaming at him to calm down, told him to cooperate. But no way in hell was he doing that. His son was born to him and taken from him all within the span of two minutes. His heart was broken, forever it seemed. After a long struggle, Julian was hurled into a cell, by himself, with nothing to think about but his poor dead son. A son he would never talk to, never hug, never know. A son that for all he knew thought his father was dead during his short life. Why was this happening? This was the kind of time when you were supposed to pray for guidance. Julian spoke to God, but not in a prayer.
"He wants a piece of my ass. God wants a piece of my fucking ass I swear!"
He broke into sobs, alone in a cell, perhaps more alone than ever before.