A Bloody… Parody? Soul Reaver
Chapter Five: Melchiah
As Raziel departs his clan territory, he encounters two beasts attacking a human.
HUMAN#2: No! Please don't kill me! I sent my tax money in the mail! I swear!
(AN: Yes, this is human #2. Human #1 was the black jack dealer, remember?)
MELCHIAHIM#1: (advancing on the human) Yes, but now we're here to collect the interest!
MELCHIAHIM#2: No one cheats the Vampire Revenue Service and gets away with it!
HUMAN#2: (cornered by the Melchiahim) But I didn't chea--
Suddenly, the human clutches his chest and falls over.
MELCHIAHIM#1: Well, that was quite unexpected. Is he dead?
MELCHIAHIM#2: (poking human #2 with a stick) Deader than a doornail.
MELCHIAHIM#1: Well… What should we do now?
MELCHIAHIM#2: I donno… We could eat his corpse or something…
MELCHIAHIM#1: Are you sure? I mean, I think we can still revive him.
MELCHIAHIM#2: We could… But I'm gonna stick with eating him. I think the human would have wanted it that way.
MELCHIAH#1: Okay. If you say so…
The two vampires begin to feast on the human, unaware they are being watched.
RAZIEL: I didn't recognize these flayed wracks of flesh. Their scent was vampiric, but they gnawed upon their victim's carcass like dogs.
Raziel leaps downward towards the vampires. As he descends upon the Melchiahim, he catches and releases his wings repeatedly, creating the sound of giant wings flapping in the air.
RAZIEL: Look at me! I'm a giant, evil bat demon, coming to destroy you! MAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
The Melchiahim look up into the sky at Raziel.
MELCHIAHIM#2: What the crap is that thing?
MELCHIAHIM#1: I don't know… Did it just say something to us?
Raziel lands.
RAZIEL: Hi, um… You're a couple of vampires, right?
MELCHIAHIM#1: No, we're cannibalistic humans who have watched way too many Hannibal Lector movies.
RAZIEL: Okay, never mind. My mistake. (starts to walk away)
MELCHIAHIM#2: (rolls his eyes) Duh, of course we're vampires…
RAZIEL: Oh. Well then, in that case, I'll have to kill you, but could you help me out before I do?
MELCHIAHIM#1: Sure, but what's in it for us? You ARE gonna kill us, after all.
RAZIEL: Uh… I'll let you try to defend yourselves? ^-^;
MELCHIAHIM#1: (to Melchiahim#2) I donno… What do you think?
MELCHIAHIM#2: Hmm… Sounds pretty tempting… I don't think we should pass up this opportunity…
MELCHIAHIM#1: (to Raz) Okay, it's a deal, but only on one more condition.
RAZIEL: What's that?
MELCHIAHIM#2: We get to burrow through the ground beneath your feet and try to surprise you, which is pointless because you know where we are anyway.
RAZIEL: Okay…
MELCHIAHIM#1: So is it a deal?
RAZIEL: Uh, yeah. Sure…
MELCHIAHIM#2: So, what did you need?
RAZIEL: Well… I hate to admit this, but I'm kind of lost… I'm trying to find Melchiah, and I don't know which way to go. I haven't been around these parts in ages, and it's my OWN freakin' backyard for Pete's sake!
MELCHIAHIM#1: Oh, you're lookin' for our father? Well, you can find him just over that way, beyond the graveyard over there. He should be pretty easy to find.
MELCHIAHIM#2: Wait! This is your backyard? Does that mean that you own the Razielim territory?
RAZIEL: (curious) Yeah, why?
MELCHIAHIM#2: So YOU were the one who threw that awesome party last night?
RAZIEL: (growing angry) You attended the 'celebration' as well?
MELCHIAHIM#1: Tch. Who didn't?
Raziel glares hatefully at the Melchiahim as he advances towards them. They are immediately aware of his irate approach.
MELCHIAHIM#1: What'd I say?
MELCHIAHIM#2: I think this is the part where he's gonna kill us now…
MELCHIAHIM#1: Bummer…
The two vampires immediately burrow into the ground, as Raziel promised they could do. Raziel is fully aware of their movements the entire time. Taking up a nearby rock, he waits patiently. Eventually, Melchiahim#2 pokes his head up from beneath the ground.
MELCHIAHIM#2: Peek-a-boo!
WHACK! Raziel smashes the rock over the vamps head and he is driven back into the ground. Suddenly, the other vamp raises his head from the ground. WHAM! Raziel pummels him in the head with the rock. Without warning, Mikoto appears.
MIKOTO: Cool! It's Whack-a-Mole… No, wait! Whack-a-Mel!
For no reason at all, Turel appears.
TUREL: I have an even better game… Whack-Ture--
SMASH! Mikoto cuts off Turel's perverted suggestion by pummeling him into the ground with the oversized hammer that has magically appeared in her hand. Turel is flattened like a vamp-cake.
MIKOTO: Damn pervert! He's no longer gonna be in this story!
Turel's flattened and prone body mysteriously vanishes. Meanwhile, Raziel has vanquished the Melchiahim and is off on his merry way.
RAZIEL: Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to reave I go!
Unexpectedly, he is shot through the chest with a bolt.
RAZIEL: Ow…
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Woah! Dude, are you okay! My crossbow totally misfired! How are you not dead from that, man?
RAZIEL: (sarcastically) Did you not notice? I'm a walking corpse!
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Yeah, I did notice you looked a little pale…
RAZIEL: Moron… I'd kill you for your stupidity, but I have a vampire lieutenant to kill…
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: You're a vampire hunter too? Cool! I'm gonna tell all my buddies that you've come to help! Wow! This is gonna be so cool! We can hang out and kill vampires together! It'll be great!
RAZIEL: Yeah, whatever. Look, I gotta go.
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Oh, well, can I come with you? I can help, you know!
RAZIEL: Uh, no. You're kind of freakin' me out. Why don't you just stay here and um… guard this abandoned cemetery…
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Hey! That's a great idea! I'll just wait right here for you to come back, okay?
RAZIEL: Yeah, sure…
Raziel proceeds to the cemetery where he sees an image of the youngest of Kain's lieutenants.
RAZIEL: My brother, Melchiah, was made last, and therefore received the poorest portion of Kain's gift. Although immortal, his soul could not sustain the flesh, which retained many of it's previous human frailty. This weakness, it seemed, was passed on to his offspring. Their fragile skins barely contained the underlying decay.
Raziel makes his way into the Necropolis. I won't bore you with the details, but he kills lots of icky Melchiahim in not-so-nice ways. He gets to a barred gate, and cannot go any further. Raz tries to push it open, but it does not budge.
RAZIEL: What the hell? Stupid gate! Don't tell me I came all this way for nothing!
EG: Raziel?
RAZIEL: (irritated) What?
EG: Did you forget something?
RAZIEL: I don't think so-- Wait! Did I leave the oven on again? (starts to run in a panic)
EG: (sigh) No, Raziel, you didn't leave the oven on. You don't even own an oven.
RAZIEL: (surprised) Oh, I don't? Then what am I forgetting? Oh no! I forgot to feed Mewcifer!
EG: Who's Mewcifer?
RAZIEL: My little wraith kitty… ^_^
EG: When did you get a wraith kitty?
RAZIEL: Between chapters three and four while I was in physical therapy. Oh, I hope she doesn't go hungry. Maybe she can hunt down some little mouse souls. Wait, do you know if mice even have souls, EG?
EG: (annoyed) I don't know, Raziel. Why don't you shift to the spectral realm and find out. And while you're there, maybe you can also find time to continue your quest…
RAZIEL: Hey! Good idea!
Raziel shifts planes.
RAZIEL: (looking around) I don't see any mouse souls around here. Hey! Where'd that ledge come from? Oh, wait! I get it! You wanted me to switch to spectral realm so I could climb up that ledge!
EG: (patronizing) Very good, Raziel!
RAZIEL: The mouse souls are up there, aren't they!
EG: (to himself) Why do I even bother?
Raziel jumps up and scrambles over the first ledge. A spectral being floats down beside him.
RAZIEL: Oh, hello there! You haven't seen any mouse souls around here, have you?
EG: Beware, Raziel. These wraiths are vampire spirits, fettered too long in the spectral realm. When their vampire natures adapt to this plane, they become eaters of souls. Do not allow these spirits to reinhabit their corpses…
RAZIEL: What? You mean other vampires have become devourers of souls, like myself? Well, how the hell is it that I am so unique that I'm the one who has to do your dirty work for you? Couldn't you have just hired one of these goons to kill off Kain?
EG: Whoops, gotta go….
RAZIEL: (to wraith) Well, I guess that just leaves you and me, pal. So…eh… What brings you to this part of the spectral realm?
WRAITH: …
RAZIEL: What? Don't like to talk, huh?
WRAITH: …
RAZIEL: Well, you don't have to be so rude about it…
The wraith suddenly begins to inhale Raziel's energy.
RAZIEL: Hey, what the-! Knock it off, ass wipe! That feels funny!
Raziel smacks the wraith in the head repeatedly. It screeches in pain as it looses energy from the blows. It tries to flee, but Raz has other plans in mind.
RAZIEL: You wuss! You can't run away from me! Let's see how you like it!
Raz devours the wraith's soul.
RAZIEL: BURP! Augh, that's gonna give me some wicked heartburn…
Raziel moves on. After switching realms a few times and moving some blocks around, he comes to a big, open room. At the far end of the room, he rides the lift down to a lower level. He encounters another human.
VAMPIRE HUNTER B: Hey! It's you! V.H.A. told me about you! You're that walking dead guy who's here to kill the vampires!
RAZIEL: That guy got here before me? How the hell did he do that? Was there some sort of short cut that nobody told me about? Oh, I'm gonna be so pissed if I found out I did all that shifting and block moving for nothing…
VAMPIRE HUNTER B: (drops to his knees) Oh, please don't be angry Mr. Walking-Corpse-Man! I didn't mean to make you upset! If there's anything I can do for you, just name it! I'll do anything! I swear!
RAZIEL: You annoy me. How about you do me a favor and feed yourself to that Melchiahim down there.
VAMPIRE HUNTER B: (worried) Hehe… You're kidding, right?
Raziel looks at him sternly.
VAMPIRE HUNTER B: You're serious? But really, you don't mean it right?
RAZIEL: You said you'd do ANYTHING…
VAMPIRE HUNTER B: Ah, damn…
V.H.B. drops his crossbow on the ground and descends the ramp. Raziel continues onward to the gear shift room. As he enters the room, he hears the blood curdling scream reverberate from V.H.B.'s throat.
RAZIEL: Hehehe…That'll teach him…
Raziel activates the gear and then returns to the lift, riding it back up to the upper floor. He is in the middle of solving the next block puzzle, involving the flaming urns, when he makes a discovery. Fire cannot hurt him.
RAZIEL: Really? Neat!
Raziel climbs into one of the urns. He is engulfed in flame, yet he feels no pain, nor does his flesh burn.
RAZIEL: Woah! I'm like Jesus!
MIKOTO: Dude! You can't say that!
RAZIEL: Why not? The Beatles did…
MIKOTO: Yeah, and look at all the controversy THAT created…
RAZIEL: But I AM like Jesus!
MIKOTO: I fail to see how…
RAZIEL: Well, he could walk on water without drowning… I can walk through fire without burning.
MIKOTO: That's not the same thing...
RAZIEL: Well, he died and was resurrected.
MIKOTO: So?
RAZIEL: I died and was resurrected. Twice actually! I guess that makes me TWICE the man Jesus was-
Raziel is suddenly impaled through the eye socket with a harpoon.
RAZIEL: OW! What was that for!
MIKOTO: YOU CAN'T SAY THAT! Do you WANT to piss someone off and get this story banned?
RAZIEL: Maybe. If it means my suffering will end…
MIKOTO: Well, it won't.
RAZIEL: Rats…
Mikoto then pulls out one of those memory eraser devices used in the MIB movies. She erases the previous page from everyone's memory so that she doesn't get sued, banned, or hung for Raziel's blasphemy. Said vampire wraith finishes solving the puzzle and makes his way into Melchiah's chamber. Once he enters, bloodied spikes block the entrance, preventing his escape. Something in the shadows moves, alerting Raziel to its presence.
RAZIEL: Show yourself, creature!
Mikoto emerges from the darkness.
MIKOTO: It's just me.
RAZIEL: Oh, dear lord! It's hideous!
MIKOTO: Haw haw haw… Very funny.
Suddenly, something larger emerges from the shadows.
MELCHIAH: Do you not recognize me, brother? Am I so changed?
RAZIEL: My god! Dumah! Is that really you?
MELCHIAH: Don't insult me.
RAZIEL: Uh… Turel?
MIKOTO: No! He got banned from this story, remember?
RAZIEL: Oh, yeah… Melchiah?
MELCHIAH: Yesss, brother. You should have stayed where the master sent you, Raziel. You will find Nosgoth less pleasant than you remember.
RAZIEL: Yes. I already wish I had stayed at the bottom of the Abyss… Unfortunately some bastard who shall remain nameless… *cough* Elder God *cough* …has forced me from my grave and into this asinine quest!
MELCHIAH: Wow! That sounds worse than the fate that has been bestowed upon me…
RAZIEL: Yes. And what has become of my clan? Answer me, little brother, or I will beat an answer from your horrid lips.
Melchiah ponders a moment, and remembers that the Razielim had fled in fear.
MELCHIAH: Everyone is afraid, sibling. You awake to a world of fear. These times of change are so…unsettling. Do you think I feel no revulsion for this form? Do you think for a moment that our Lord would risk his empire upon an upstart inheritance?
RAZIEL: Enough riddles - what are you saying?! Seriously… I haven't a clue what you are saying…
MELCHIAH: You are the last… to die…
RAZIEL: (confused) Really? That's what that speech meant? I thought you were saying that the true meaning to all existence is… Well, I won't bore you with philosophical details. I think there's enough of that in the LoK series as it is…
The fight between Melchiah and Raziel begins. Although Mel is very slow and sluggish, he makes up for his lack of agility with being unaffected by Raziel's blows.
MELCHIAH: Heehee…That tickles! ^_^
RAZIEL: He's big and ugly and scary and I can't hurt him! (muttering to himself) Maybe if I shift, I can run and hide from him! Heh heh heh.
Raziel shifts realms.
MELCHIAH: Boo.
RAZIEL: AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! He can shift too! That's not fair!
Raziel soon figures out that he must lure Mel under the spiked gates at either side of the main chamber.
RAZIEL: Hey, what do you know? If I lure Mel under the spike gates at either side of the main chamber, I can hurt him…
Raz raises the first of the two gates.
RAZIEL: (whistles) Here boy! C'mon Melchiah!
MELCHIAH: (excited) I'm comin'! I'm comin'! (AN: No icky ideas you sick perverts!)
Melchiah approaches Raziel, slowly but surely. He gets below the gate and Raz drops it on him.
MELCHIAH: Owies!
Melchiah busts the gate escaping from it. Mikoto parades around the chamber with a giant sign that reads "ROUND 2". Raziel raises the second spiked gate.
MELCHIAH: I'm not stupid. I'm not falling for that again.
RAZIEL: But I've got Smelly Melly Snacks! Fresh decayed human flesh just for you!
MELCHIAH: Oh boy! Oh boy!
Mel crawls under the gate and Raz drops it on his head.
MELCHIAH: DAMN IT!
Mel destroys this gate as well.
RAZIEL: Both the gates are broken. Now what do I do?
MELCHIAH: (stumped) Hmm… I don't know…
MIKOTO: Well, there IS that giant meat grinder thing hanging from the ceiling…
RAZIEL: That's kind of a gruesome death though, don't'cha think?
MELCHIAH: Yeah. I never actually used it to kill anyone. It's there more for decoration than anything else really. But, hey, we could give it a try…
Melchiah shifts through the bars and crawls directly under the grinder. Raziel approaches the lever that controls the barbaric device.
RAZIEL: Ah, yes, one more thing… Tell me, Melchiah - where can I find Kain?
MELCHIAH: The master is beyond your reach, Raziel. He makes himself known when He sees fit - not when commanded.
RAZIEL: Ah, fish sticks… Oh well. It was nice knowing you, Mel.
Raz pulls the lever and the meat grinder lowers on Mel, crushing him to a bloodied pulp.
MELCHIAH: I am released…
RAZIEL: Poor guy… He always was my favorite brother…
Suddenly, Raziel's body levitates into the air and Mel's souls is drawn into his body. Raziel seems to writhe in pain, until he collapses to the ground.
RAZIEL: What the crap was that? It felt like I was being beat repeatedly with a garden hoe!
Mikoto hides behind her back the garden hoe she was using to beat Raziel with while he was suspended in the air.
EG: Hey, look! I have another line! It's about damn time I got another line in this story. It's been what… five pages since I've had a line?
MIKOTO: Just hurry up and say your damn line already!
EG: Oh! Ahem… You have done well, Raziel.
RAZIEL: Am I reduced to this? A goul? A fratricide?
MIKOTO: (holding up a dictionary) Fratricide: one that kills a sibling or countryman… Cool!
Mikoto walks off with a devious look in her eye…
EG: Elevated, Raziel, not reduced. Consuming Melchiah's soul has bestowed you with a new gift.
RAZIEL: (trying to force himself to throw up) I actually swallowed his soul! Nasty! Did you see the amount of decay on him! He was swarming with disease!
EG: (referring to the barred gate) Insubstantial barriers such as these are no impediment to you in the spectral realm. Will yourself to pass through, and you shall.
Raziel follows the EG's instruction. Eventually he makes his way out of the Necropolis.
EG: With Melchiah's gift, your way is opened. Return to the seat of Kain's ill-omened empire - its sterile silence has secrets yet to unveil.
RAZIEL: Back to the Sanctuary then, eh? (shudder) Oh, I hope that Kain doesn't still have that Gameboy…
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Whew… What a long chapter! 12 pages! No wonder it took me almost 2 weeks to update! I was planning on doing a review response this chapter, but I think since this one was so long, I'll save it for next chapter. Well, thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated! : p
Ah, yes. One last thing. Apologies for any grammar/spelling mistakes or whatever. Since this took so long to write, and since it's quite late right now, I'm not gonna look it over again for any mistakes. ^_^;; I can't bear to make my fans wait any longer!!
Chapter Five: Melchiah
As Raziel departs his clan territory, he encounters two beasts attacking a human.
HUMAN#2: No! Please don't kill me! I sent my tax money in the mail! I swear!
(AN: Yes, this is human #2. Human #1 was the black jack dealer, remember?)
MELCHIAHIM#1: (advancing on the human) Yes, but now we're here to collect the interest!
MELCHIAHIM#2: No one cheats the Vampire Revenue Service and gets away with it!
HUMAN#2: (cornered by the Melchiahim) But I didn't chea--
Suddenly, the human clutches his chest and falls over.
MELCHIAHIM#1: Well, that was quite unexpected. Is he dead?
MELCHIAHIM#2: (poking human #2 with a stick) Deader than a doornail.
MELCHIAHIM#1: Well… What should we do now?
MELCHIAHIM#2: I donno… We could eat his corpse or something…
MELCHIAHIM#1: Are you sure? I mean, I think we can still revive him.
MELCHIAHIM#2: We could… But I'm gonna stick with eating him. I think the human would have wanted it that way.
MELCHIAH#1: Okay. If you say so…
The two vampires begin to feast on the human, unaware they are being watched.
RAZIEL: I didn't recognize these flayed wracks of flesh. Their scent was vampiric, but they gnawed upon their victim's carcass like dogs.
Raziel leaps downward towards the vampires. As he descends upon the Melchiahim, he catches and releases his wings repeatedly, creating the sound of giant wings flapping in the air.
RAZIEL: Look at me! I'm a giant, evil bat demon, coming to destroy you! MAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
The Melchiahim look up into the sky at Raziel.
MELCHIAHIM#2: What the crap is that thing?
MELCHIAHIM#1: I don't know… Did it just say something to us?
Raziel lands.
RAZIEL: Hi, um… You're a couple of vampires, right?
MELCHIAHIM#1: No, we're cannibalistic humans who have watched way too many Hannibal Lector movies.
RAZIEL: Okay, never mind. My mistake. (starts to walk away)
MELCHIAHIM#2: (rolls his eyes) Duh, of course we're vampires…
RAZIEL: Oh. Well then, in that case, I'll have to kill you, but could you help me out before I do?
MELCHIAHIM#1: Sure, but what's in it for us? You ARE gonna kill us, after all.
RAZIEL: Uh… I'll let you try to defend yourselves? ^-^;
MELCHIAHIM#1: (to Melchiahim#2) I donno… What do you think?
MELCHIAHIM#2: Hmm… Sounds pretty tempting… I don't think we should pass up this opportunity…
MELCHIAHIM#1: (to Raz) Okay, it's a deal, but only on one more condition.
RAZIEL: What's that?
MELCHIAHIM#2: We get to burrow through the ground beneath your feet and try to surprise you, which is pointless because you know where we are anyway.
RAZIEL: Okay…
MELCHIAHIM#1: So is it a deal?
RAZIEL: Uh, yeah. Sure…
MELCHIAHIM#2: So, what did you need?
RAZIEL: Well… I hate to admit this, but I'm kind of lost… I'm trying to find Melchiah, and I don't know which way to go. I haven't been around these parts in ages, and it's my OWN freakin' backyard for Pete's sake!
MELCHIAHIM#1: Oh, you're lookin' for our father? Well, you can find him just over that way, beyond the graveyard over there. He should be pretty easy to find.
MELCHIAHIM#2: Wait! This is your backyard? Does that mean that you own the Razielim territory?
RAZIEL: (curious) Yeah, why?
MELCHIAHIM#2: So YOU were the one who threw that awesome party last night?
RAZIEL: (growing angry) You attended the 'celebration' as well?
MELCHIAHIM#1: Tch. Who didn't?
Raziel glares hatefully at the Melchiahim as he advances towards them. They are immediately aware of his irate approach.
MELCHIAHIM#1: What'd I say?
MELCHIAHIM#2: I think this is the part where he's gonna kill us now…
MELCHIAHIM#1: Bummer…
The two vampires immediately burrow into the ground, as Raziel promised they could do. Raziel is fully aware of their movements the entire time. Taking up a nearby rock, he waits patiently. Eventually, Melchiahim#2 pokes his head up from beneath the ground.
MELCHIAHIM#2: Peek-a-boo!
WHACK! Raziel smashes the rock over the vamps head and he is driven back into the ground. Suddenly, the other vamp raises his head from the ground. WHAM! Raziel pummels him in the head with the rock. Without warning, Mikoto appears.
MIKOTO: Cool! It's Whack-a-Mole… No, wait! Whack-a-Mel!
For no reason at all, Turel appears.
TUREL: I have an even better game… Whack-Ture--
SMASH! Mikoto cuts off Turel's perverted suggestion by pummeling him into the ground with the oversized hammer that has magically appeared in her hand. Turel is flattened like a vamp-cake.
MIKOTO: Damn pervert! He's no longer gonna be in this story!
Turel's flattened and prone body mysteriously vanishes. Meanwhile, Raziel has vanquished the Melchiahim and is off on his merry way.
RAZIEL: Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to reave I go!
Unexpectedly, he is shot through the chest with a bolt.
RAZIEL: Ow…
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Woah! Dude, are you okay! My crossbow totally misfired! How are you not dead from that, man?
RAZIEL: (sarcastically) Did you not notice? I'm a walking corpse!
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Yeah, I did notice you looked a little pale…
RAZIEL: Moron… I'd kill you for your stupidity, but I have a vampire lieutenant to kill…
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: You're a vampire hunter too? Cool! I'm gonna tell all my buddies that you've come to help! Wow! This is gonna be so cool! We can hang out and kill vampires together! It'll be great!
RAZIEL: Yeah, whatever. Look, I gotta go.
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Oh, well, can I come with you? I can help, you know!
RAZIEL: Uh, no. You're kind of freakin' me out. Why don't you just stay here and um… guard this abandoned cemetery…
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Hey! That's a great idea! I'll just wait right here for you to come back, okay?
RAZIEL: Yeah, sure…
Raziel proceeds to the cemetery where he sees an image of the youngest of Kain's lieutenants.
RAZIEL: My brother, Melchiah, was made last, and therefore received the poorest portion of Kain's gift. Although immortal, his soul could not sustain the flesh, which retained many of it's previous human frailty. This weakness, it seemed, was passed on to his offspring. Their fragile skins barely contained the underlying decay.
Raziel makes his way into the Necropolis. I won't bore you with the details, but he kills lots of icky Melchiahim in not-so-nice ways. He gets to a barred gate, and cannot go any further. Raz tries to push it open, but it does not budge.
RAZIEL: What the hell? Stupid gate! Don't tell me I came all this way for nothing!
EG: Raziel?
RAZIEL: (irritated) What?
EG: Did you forget something?
RAZIEL: I don't think so-- Wait! Did I leave the oven on again? (starts to run in a panic)
EG: (sigh) No, Raziel, you didn't leave the oven on. You don't even own an oven.
RAZIEL: (surprised) Oh, I don't? Then what am I forgetting? Oh no! I forgot to feed Mewcifer!
EG: Who's Mewcifer?
RAZIEL: My little wraith kitty… ^_^
EG: When did you get a wraith kitty?
RAZIEL: Between chapters three and four while I was in physical therapy. Oh, I hope she doesn't go hungry. Maybe she can hunt down some little mouse souls. Wait, do you know if mice even have souls, EG?
EG: (annoyed) I don't know, Raziel. Why don't you shift to the spectral realm and find out. And while you're there, maybe you can also find time to continue your quest…
RAZIEL: Hey! Good idea!
Raziel shifts planes.
RAZIEL: (looking around) I don't see any mouse souls around here. Hey! Where'd that ledge come from? Oh, wait! I get it! You wanted me to switch to spectral realm so I could climb up that ledge!
EG: (patronizing) Very good, Raziel!
RAZIEL: The mouse souls are up there, aren't they!
EG: (to himself) Why do I even bother?
Raziel jumps up and scrambles over the first ledge. A spectral being floats down beside him.
RAZIEL: Oh, hello there! You haven't seen any mouse souls around here, have you?
EG: Beware, Raziel. These wraiths are vampire spirits, fettered too long in the spectral realm. When their vampire natures adapt to this plane, they become eaters of souls. Do not allow these spirits to reinhabit their corpses…
RAZIEL: What? You mean other vampires have become devourers of souls, like myself? Well, how the hell is it that I am so unique that I'm the one who has to do your dirty work for you? Couldn't you have just hired one of these goons to kill off Kain?
EG: Whoops, gotta go….
RAZIEL: (to wraith) Well, I guess that just leaves you and me, pal. So…eh… What brings you to this part of the spectral realm?
WRAITH: …
RAZIEL: What? Don't like to talk, huh?
WRAITH: …
RAZIEL: Well, you don't have to be so rude about it…
The wraith suddenly begins to inhale Raziel's energy.
RAZIEL: Hey, what the-! Knock it off, ass wipe! That feels funny!
Raziel smacks the wraith in the head repeatedly. It screeches in pain as it looses energy from the blows. It tries to flee, but Raz has other plans in mind.
RAZIEL: You wuss! You can't run away from me! Let's see how you like it!
Raz devours the wraith's soul.
RAZIEL: BURP! Augh, that's gonna give me some wicked heartburn…
Raziel moves on. After switching realms a few times and moving some blocks around, he comes to a big, open room. At the far end of the room, he rides the lift down to a lower level. He encounters another human.
VAMPIRE HUNTER B: Hey! It's you! V.H.A. told me about you! You're that walking dead guy who's here to kill the vampires!
RAZIEL: That guy got here before me? How the hell did he do that? Was there some sort of short cut that nobody told me about? Oh, I'm gonna be so pissed if I found out I did all that shifting and block moving for nothing…
VAMPIRE HUNTER B: (drops to his knees) Oh, please don't be angry Mr. Walking-Corpse-Man! I didn't mean to make you upset! If there's anything I can do for you, just name it! I'll do anything! I swear!
RAZIEL: You annoy me. How about you do me a favor and feed yourself to that Melchiahim down there.
VAMPIRE HUNTER B: (worried) Hehe… You're kidding, right?
Raziel looks at him sternly.
VAMPIRE HUNTER B: You're serious? But really, you don't mean it right?
RAZIEL: You said you'd do ANYTHING…
VAMPIRE HUNTER B: Ah, damn…
V.H.B. drops his crossbow on the ground and descends the ramp. Raziel continues onward to the gear shift room. As he enters the room, he hears the blood curdling scream reverberate from V.H.B.'s throat.
RAZIEL: Hehehe…That'll teach him…
Raziel activates the gear and then returns to the lift, riding it back up to the upper floor. He is in the middle of solving the next block puzzle, involving the flaming urns, when he makes a discovery. Fire cannot hurt him.
RAZIEL: Really? Neat!
Raziel climbs into one of the urns. He is engulfed in flame, yet he feels no pain, nor does his flesh burn.
RAZIEL: Woah! I'm like Jesus!
MIKOTO: Dude! You can't say that!
RAZIEL: Why not? The Beatles did…
MIKOTO: Yeah, and look at all the controversy THAT created…
RAZIEL: But I AM like Jesus!
MIKOTO: I fail to see how…
RAZIEL: Well, he could walk on water without drowning… I can walk through fire without burning.
MIKOTO: That's not the same thing...
RAZIEL: Well, he died and was resurrected.
MIKOTO: So?
RAZIEL: I died and was resurrected. Twice actually! I guess that makes me TWICE the man Jesus was-
Raziel is suddenly impaled through the eye socket with a harpoon.
RAZIEL: OW! What was that for!
MIKOTO: YOU CAN'T SAY THAT! Do you WANT to piss someone off and get this story banned?
RAZIEL: Maybe. If it means my suffering will end…
MIKOTO: Well, it won't.
RAZIEL: Rats…
Mikoto then pulls out one of those memory eraser devices used in the MIB movies. She erases the previous page from everyone's memory so that she doesn't get sued, banned, or hung for Raziel's blasphemy. Said vampire wraith finishes solving the puzzle and makes his way into Melchiah's chamber. Once he enters, bloodied spikes block the entrance, preventing his escape. Something in the shadows moves, alerting Raziel to its presence.
RAZIEL: Show yourself, creature!
Mikoto emerges from the darkness.
MIKOTO: It's just me.
RAZIEL: Oh, dear lord! It's hideous!
MIKOTO: Haw haw haw… Very funny.
Suddenly, something larger emerges from the shadows.
MELCHIAH: Do you not recognize me, brother? Am I so changed?
RAZIEL: My god! Dumah! Is that really you?
MELCHIAH: Don't insult me.
RAZIEL: Uh… Turel?
MIKOTO: No! He got banned from this story, remember?
RAZIEL: Oh, yeah… Melchiah?
MELCHIAH: Yesss, brother. You should have stayed where the master sent you, Raziel. You will find Nosgoth less pleasant than you remember.
RAZIEL: Yes. I already wish I had stayed at the bottom of the Abyss… Unfortunately some bastard who shall remain nameless… *cough* Elder God *cough* …has forced me from my grave and into this asinine quest!
MELCHIAH: Wow! That sounds worse than the fate that has been bestowed upon me…
RAZIEL: Yes. And what has become of my clan? Answer me, little brother, or I will beat an answer from your horrid lips.
Melchiah ponders a moment, and remembers that the Razielim had fled in fear.
MELCHIAH: Everyone is afraid, sibling. You awake to a world of fear. These times of change are so…unsettling. Do you think I feel no revulsion for this form? Do you think for a moment that our Lord would risk his empire upon an upstart inheritance?
RAZIEL: Enough riddles - what are you saying?! Seriously… I haven't a clue what you are saying…
MELCHIAH: You are the last… to die…
RAZIEL: (confused) Really? That's what that speech meant? I thought you were saying that the true meaning to all existence is… Well, I won't bore you with philosophical details. I think there's enough of that in the LoK series as it is…
The fight between Melchiah and Raziel begins. Although Mel is very slow and sluggish, he makes up for his lack of agility with being unaffected by Raziel's blows.
MELCHIAH: Heehee…That tickles! ^_^
RAZIEL: He's big and ugly and scary and I can't hurt him! (muttering to himself) Maybe if I shift, I can run and hide from him! Heh heh heh.
Raziel shifts realms.
MELCHIAH: Boo.
RAZIEL: AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! He can shift too! That's not fair!
Raziel soon figures out that he must lure Mel under the spiked gates at either side of the main chamber.
RAZIEL: Hey, what do you know? If I lure Mel under the spike gates at either side of the main chamber, I can hurt him…
Raz raises the first of the two gates.
RAZIEL: (whistles) Here boy! C'mon Melchiah!
MELCHIAH: (excited) I'm comin'! I'm comin'! (AN: No icky ideas you sick perverts!)
Melchiah approaches Raziel, slowly but surely. He gets below the gate and Raz drops it on him.
MELCHIAH: Owies!
Melchiah busts the gate escaping from it. Mikoto parades around the chamber with a giant sign that reads "ROUND 2". Raziel raises the second spiked gate.
MELCHIAH: I'm not stupid. I'm not falling for that again.
RAZIEL: But I've got Smelly Melly Snacks! Fresh decayed human flesh just for you!
MELCHIAH: Oh boy! Oh boy!
Mel crawls under the gate and Raz drops it on his head.
MELCHIAH: DAMN IT!
Mel destroys this gate as well.
RAZIEL: Both the gates are broken. Now what do I do?
MELCHIAH: (stumped) Hmm… I don't know…
MIKOTO: Well, there IS that giant meat grinder thing hanging from the ceiling…
RAZIEL: That's kind of a gruesome death though, don't'cha think?
MELCHIAH: Yeah. I never actually used it to kill anyone. It's there more for decoration than anything else really. But, hey, we could give it a try…
Melchiah shifts through the bars and crawls directly under the grinder. Raziel approaches the lever that controls the barbaric device.
RAZIEL: Ah, yes, one more thing… Tell me, Melchiah - where can I find Kain?
MELCHIAH: The master is beyond your reach, Raziel. He makes himself known when He sees fit - not when commanded.
RAZIEL: Ah, fish sticks… Oh well. It was nice knowing you, Mel.
Raz pulls the lever and the meat grinder lowers on Mel, crushing him to a bloodied pulp.
MELCHIAH: I am released…
RAZIEL: Poor guy… He always was my favorite brother…
Suddenly, Raziel's body levitates into the air and Mel's souls is drawn into his body. Raziel seems to writhe in pain, until he collapses to the ground.
RAZIEL: What the crap was that? It felt like I was being beat repeatedly with a garden hoe!
Mikoto hides behind her back the garden hoe she was using to beat Raziel with while he was suspended in the air.
EG: Hey, look! I have another line! It's about damn time I got another line in this story. It's been what… five pages since I've had a line?
MIKOTO: Just hurry up and say your damn line already!
EG: Oh! Ahem… You have done well, Raziel.
RAZIEL: Am I reduced to this? A goul? A fratricide?
MIKOTO: (holding up a dictionary) Fratricide: one that kills a sibling or countryman… Cool!
Mikoto walks off with a devious look in her eye…
EG: Elevated, Raziel, not reduced. Consuming Melchiah's soul has bestowed you with a new gift.
RAZIEL: (trying to force himself to throw up) I actually swallowed his soul! Nasty! Did you see the amount of decay on him! He was swarming with disease!
EG: (referring to the barred gate) Insubstantial barriers such as these are no impediment to you in the spectral realm. Will yourself to pass through, and you shall.
Raziel follows the EG's instruction. Eventually he makes his way out of the Necropolis.
EG: With Melchiah's gift, your way is opened. Return to the seat of Kain's ill-omened empire - its sterile silence has secrets yet to unveil.
RAZIEL: Back to the Sanctuary then, eh? (shudder) Oh, I hope that Kain doesn't still have that Gameboy…
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Whew… What a long chapter! 12 pages! No wonder it took me almost 2 weeks to update! I was planning on doing a review response this chapter, but I think since this one was so long, I'll save it for next chapter. Well, thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated! : p
Ah, yes. One last thing. Apologies for any grammar/spelling mistakes or whatever. Since this took so long to write, and since it's quite late right now, I'm not gonna look it over again for any mistakes. ^_^;; I can't bear to make my fans wait any longer!!