Authors Note- Again, no review responses, maybe in tomorrows update... But thanks for all the reviews... we love them!!! This is my chapter, it doesn't match up to the last chapter, cause Liby's an amazing writer and that was an awesome chapter... Oh, and you will soon find out more information... like Becca's death and a few other things...
Disclaimer- Not ours.
Chapter Nineteen
It sits there. The sun bouncing off the metal frame, a picture of perfect bliss. Every morning when I open my eyes, its there. Staring back at me. Forcing me, pushing me, begging to go on. If not for myself, for them. To watch them grow into the beautiful human beings we intended them too, the moment we made them. Everything about her is perfect, everything. I don't think I have ever met anyone quite like her. Even now that she's gone, I can still feel her presence. As creepy as it sounds, I believe it. I reach out to touch the picture, the sun has dulled it, worn it out. But still, it mesmerizes me, just as she did.
"Daddy-" I look over my shoulder, tears streak her chubby face. I watch as she walks towards me, her hair bouncing on her shoulders. Slowly she climbs onto my bed, the mattress creaking eerily, with every movement of her tiny frame. I encompass her in my arms, as sobs take over her. I close my eyes tightly, fighting back the tears that threaten to fall. Why does this feel so real, so... "She's gone too..." Her voice slowly dies. So repetitive? I've seen this before, I've done this before, I've been down this road before. I didn't want to do it then, and I don't want to do it now. I can't. I can't wake up every morning dreaming of her too, wondering, hoping. Becca and I had something. She and I never got our chance. Maybe we didn't deserve one. I hold onto my daughter, refusing to believe the truth. It can't be happening. She pulls away, her blood shot eyes looking into my own. I brush the last tears away, as she bites down on her bottom lip, trying to stop the tears that flow down her cheeks.
"Hey, hey, you don't know that..." Maybe I am saying this more for me then I am for her. More to stop the pain, the guilt. Just to stop everything. Why is it every time I love something, someone, it leaves me. I look at my daughter, stare at her, memorizing every detail, the way her eyes change colour in the winter, how her hair falls around her face. Will she leave me too? Why not, everyone else has, everyday I try to love her less, thinking that maybe if I don't get to attached she won't leave. Its silly. I know it is. But I can't help it. I feel like a disease. Someone who brings pain.
She sniffles for a moment, watching me. "Yes I do. Mommy left." She holds my gaze, I expect to see a flicker of emotion, hear feeling in her little voice. Nothing. Her voice is strong, steady, emotionless. She has done exactly what I have done. Pushed people away out of fear. I let Abby go. I pushed her away, I used stupid reasons to mask the real pain, the real reason's why she can't be mine. Maddie has done the same thing. I bring her close to me, breathing her in. Promising, a silent promise, to never let her go. Yah, I'm the corny father, the one who is just realising he spent three years of his life lying to himself. Lying to his kids. I kiss her cheek. The salty tears still on her skin.
"I love you, Madison." I whisper it, I know she hears it. A lone cheer trickles down my cheek, with it, it takes my lies, my fears, my doubts... My pain. I have to be there for my children. She pulls away from me, I pull at her hair, smiling. I see her mother in her, the way she laughs, her smile. Everything. She's her mothers daughter. True to the saying.
"Abby's not mommy." I say it in one breath. Clarifying it for her, for myself. She's not Rebecca, she's different. She's wonderful. She just doesn't know that. She doesn't know what she has, she doesn't know what she could offer to this world, to me. If only she would let me love her. If only she would let herself love me. She might not be Rebecca, but for Abby that's a good thing. I don't need Rebecca, I have my Rebecca. I smile back down at Maddie before scooping her up into my arms. She buries her little head into my shoulder. Yah, she's my world. I know Becca would be proud, she's smiling down on us.
"Let's go get Sebastian." She holds onto me tighter, like if she lets go I will evaporate into thin air. Don't worry baby, I'm not going anywhere. I'll never leave you.
"Okay." Her voice muffled, quiet. "I never hated Abby, daddy." I stop for a second, I knew it all along, but hearing her say it is something different. I know. She isn't capable of hate. She's only capable of being afraid. The walls she built up at the tender age of seven, are slowly dissolving, only time will tell if I can break in there completely. Free her.
"I know."
~*~
The door opens with a thud. Her eyes meet mine, in the silence we speak the same words. I bring her body close to mine. Holding her closely. Her sobs escape, finally. She's been holding them in. Sometimes I think I know her better than I know myself, I know how beautiful and strong she is. Her nails dig into my back, screaming out her pain. Her loss.
"Shhh..." One of the most unsoothing sounds, yet its the only comfort I can think to bring to her.
"Don't worry Susan, she's not mommy." Susan diverts her gaze from me to Maddie. Yeah, she actually has hope, get use to it. She looks at me again. I nod, Susan pulls Maddie into a hug, and I go in search of my wayward son.
Just as I thought, he's sprawled out on the bed watching cartoons. Its Saturday morning, what five year old boy isn't? His smile widens as he sees me. He waves, then directs his gaze back to the television. I sit down beside him. Not sure how to broach this subject. I've done it before, but it never becomes easy, or something you incorporate into your list of skills. No matter how many families I have spoken to in situations like this it never becomes easy. Especially not when you are speaking to your own child. Your own child whose had more heartbreaks in five years, then some have in a lifetime. I hope its anything but an omen for his life. I pull his tiny frame into my lap. He reluctantly agrees, I reach for the remote, trying to pry it out of his fist. He won't allow it. Turning around, he glares at me.
"DAD!" He snaps, surprising me. Not often does Seb get upset, but I guess threatening to axe the cartoons will do it. I manage to wrestle the remote out of his sweaty palms, and switch the television off. "I was watching that!" He sasses. I could see that, but sometimes life and death are more important. Try explaining that to a five year old. Try explaining that to a four year old who just lost her mother. Tell her that the one thing that provided constant comfort in her life is gone. Its the hardest thing to do. I don't wish it upon anyone else. I hold him close to me, he soon settles down, resting his head against my chest. The pounding evident to even me.
"Sebastian, I need to tell you something very important." He nods his head, and watches me. I try to piece together a sentence. Something that makes sense to his young mind. I hold him close to me, I can tell I am worrying him. He doesn't know yet, nor will he understand once he does know. He looks up at me again, expecting... "Abby-" I stop, I can't keep going. I can't do this too him. I can't smash the hopes and dreams he holds. He loves her. I was never really sure why, but he was drawn to her the moment he met her. They have some sort of connection. He runs his fingers along my jaw playfully. Then makes a running motion up my face. I grab his hand. This is serious. He stops, dead in his tracks. His eyes meet mine. He gets how serious this is. His hand slowly drops to his side, waiting for me to continue. "Honey, Abby got into an accident last night-" I pause, waiting for a reaction, he gives me none. "She was hurt very bad." I stop again, expecting him to clutch to me, tears running down his cheeks. But I guess he does not fully understand yet, or refuses to understand. "I don't think she's gonna wake up, kiddo." As if on cue, his tiny head starts shaking, and his fists slam against my chest. I hold him tightly, trying to take away his pain. It doesn't work. His tiny hands wrap around my neck.
"She's not going to die like Mommy is she?" He pulls his head away from me. Our eyes meet. Suddenly my son seems older, beyond his short five years. I no longer see the little boy he plays with trucks, who pulls his sisters hair, I see a mature boy. Not too old. But one that is able to comprehend things no other five year old boy is. I don't know if I should be glad for this, or torn, that my son will not have the exact childhood I had hoped for him. He will not be the naive child every parent secretly wants.
"Uh-" I try to answer, but I can't. I swallow, hard. The dryness in my throat, suddenly becoming apparent to me. I shake my head, and try again.
"I don't- I-" He looks at me questioningly. "Sebastian, nothing- nothing is for sure right not, but... Abby is probably not going to wake up." He stares at me for a few moments, it seems as though, that has happened a lot lately.
I pull him into my arms, I feel Maddie come into the room and hop onto the bed with us. I free one of my arms and place it around her tiny body. Who knows what's going to happen, but it probably won't be good.
~Preview~
"Mummy! You told me that when it rains, it means that someone that really loves you is crying." I pick her up into my arms and walk shielding her from the rain that I have a feeling I caused. I just don't know why or how.
Disclaimer- Not ours.
Chapter Nineteen
It sits there. The sun bouncing off the metal frame, a picture of perfect bliss. Every morning when I open my eyes, its there. Staring back at me. Forcing me, pushing me, begging to go on. If not for myself, for them. To watch them grow into the beautiful human beings we intended them too, the moment we made them. Everything about her is perfect, everything. I don't think I have ever met anyone quite like her. Even now that she's gone, I can still feel her presence. As creepy as it sounds, I believe it. I reach out to touch the picture, the sun has dulled it, worn it out. But still, it mesmerizes me, just as she did.
"Daddy-" I look over my shoulder, tears streak her chubby face. I watch as she walks towards me, her hair bouncing on her shoulders. Slowly she climbs onto my bed, the mattress creaking eerily, with every movement of her tiny frame. I encompass her in my arms, as sobs take over her. I close my eyes tightly, fighting back the tears that threaten to fall. Why does this feel so real, so... "She's gone too..." Her voice slowly dies. So repetitive? I've seen this before, I've done this before, I've been down this road before. I didn't want to do it then, and I don't want to do it now. I can't. I can't wake up every morning dreaming of her too, wondering, hoping. Becca and I had something. She and I never got our chance. Maybe we didn't deserve one. I hold onto my daughter, refusing to believe the truth. It can't be happening. She pulls away, her blood shot eyes looking into my own. I brush the last tears away, as she bites down on her bottom lip, trying to stop the tears that flow down her cheeks.
"Hey, hey, you don't know that..." Maybe I am saying this more for me then I am for her. More to stop the pain, the guilt. Just to stop everything. Why is it every time I love something, someone, it leaves me. I look at my daughter, stare at her, memorizing every detail, the way her eyes change colour in the winter, how her hair falls around her face. Will she leave me too? Why not, everyone else has, everyday I try to love her less, thinking that maybe if I don't get to attached she won't leave. Its silly. I know it is. But I can't help it. I feel like a disease. Someone who brings pain.
She sniffles for a moment, watching me. "Yes I do. Mommy left." She holds my gaze, I expect to see a flicker of emotion, hear feeling in her little voice. Nothing. Her voice is strong, steady, emotionless. She has done exactly what I have done. Pushed people away out of fear. I let Abby go. I pushed her away, I used stupid reasons to mask the real pain, the real reason's why she can't be mine. Maddie has done the same thing. I bring her close to me, breathing her in. Promising, a silent promise, to never let her go. Yah, I'm the corny father, the one who is just realising he spent three years of his life lying to himself. Lying to his kids. I kiss her cheek. The salty tears still on her skin.
"I love you, Madison." I whisper it, I know she hears it. A lone cheer trickles down my cheek, with it, it takes my lies, my fears, my doubts... My pain. I have to be there for my children. She pulls away from me, I pull at her hair, smiling. I see her mother in her, the way she laughs, her smile. Everything. She's her mothers daughter. True to the saying.
"Abby's not mommy." I say it in one breath. Clarifying it for her, for myself. She's not Rebecca, she's different. She's wonderful. She just doesn't know that. She doesn't know what she has, she doesn't know what she could offer to this world, to me. If only she would let me love her. If only she would let herself love me. She might not be Rebecca, but for Abby that's a good thing. I don't need Rebecca, I have my Rebecca. I smile back down at Maddie before scooping her up into my arms. She buries her little head into my shoulder. Yah, she's my world. I know Becca would be proud, she's smiling down on us.
"Let's go get Sebastian." She holds onto me tighter, like if she lets go I will evaporate into thin air. Don't worry baby, I'm not going anywhere. I'll never leave you.
"Okay." Her voice muffled, quiet. "I never hated Abby, daddy." I stop for a second, I knew it all along, but hearing her say it is something different. I know. She isn't capable of hate. She's only capable of being afraid. The walls she built up at the tender age of seven, are slowly dissolving, only time will tell if I can break in there completely. Free her.
"I know."
~*~
The door opens with a thud. Her eyes meet mine, in the silence we speak the same words. I bring her body close to mine. Holding her closely. Her sobs escape, finally. She's been holding them in. Sometimes I think I know her better than I know myself, I know how beautiful and strong she is. Her nails dig into my back, screaming out her pain. Her loss.
"Shhh..." One of the most unsoothing sounds, yet its the only comfort I can think to bring to her.
"Don't worry Susan, she's not mommy." Susan diverts her gaze from me to Maddie. Yeah, she actually has hope, get use to it. She looks at me again. I nod, Susan pulls Maddie into a hug, and I go in search of my wayward son.
Just as I thought, he's sprawled out on the bed watching cartoons. Its Saturday morning, what five year old boy isn't? His smile widens as he sees me. He waves, then directs his gaze back to the television. I sit down beside him. Not sure how to broach this subject. I've done it before, but it never becomes easy, or something you incorporate into your list of skills. No matter how many families I have spoken to in situations like this it never becomes easy. Especially not when you are speaking to your own child. Your own child whose had more heartbreaks in five years, then some have in a lifetime. I hope its anything but an omen for his life. I pull his tiny frame into my lap. He reluctantly agrees, I reach for the remote, trying to pry it out of his fist. He won't allow it. Turning around, he glares at me.
"DAD!" He snaps, surprising me. Not often does Seb get upset, but I guess threatening to axe the cartoons will do it. I manage to wrestle the remote out of his sweaty palms, and switch the television off. "I was watching that!" He sasses. I could see that, but sometimes life and death are more important. Try explaining that to a five year old. Try explaining that to a four year old who just lost her mother. Tell her that the one thing that provided constant comfort in her life is gone. Its the hardest thing to do. I don't wish it upon anyone else. I hold him close to me, he soon settles down, resting his head against my chest. The pounding evident to even me.
"Sebastian, I need to tell you something very important." He nods his head, and watches me. I try to piece together a sentence. Something that makes sense to his young mind. I hold him close to me, I can tell I am worrying him. He doesn't know yet, nor will he understand once he does know. He looks up at me again, expecting... "Abby-" I stop, I can't keep going. I can't do this too him. I can't smash the hopes and dreams he holds. He loves her. I was never really sure why, but he was drawn to her the moment he met her. They have some sort of connection. He runs his fingers along my jaw playfully. Then makes a running motion up my face. I grab his hand. This is serious. He stops, dead in his tracks. His eyes meet mine. He gets how serious this is. His hand slowly drops to his side, waiting for me to continue. "Honey, Abby got into an accident last night-" I pause, waiting for a reaction, he gives me none. "She was hurt very bad." I stop again, expecting him to clutch to me, tears running down his cheeks. But I guess he does not fully understand yet, or refuses to understand. "I don't think she's gonna wake up, kiddo." As if on cue, his tiny head starts shaking, and his fists slam against my chest. I hold him tightly, trying to take away his pain. It doesn't work. His tiny hands wrap around my neck.
"She's not going to die like Mommy is she?" He pulls his head away from me. Our eyes meet. Suddenly my son seems older, beyond his short five years. I no longer see the little boy he plays with trucks, who pulls his sisters hair, I see a mature boy. Not too old. But one that is able to comprehend things no other five year old boy is. I don't know if I should be glad for this, or torn, that my son will not have the exact childhood I had hoped for him. He will not be the naive child every parent secretly wants.
"Uh-" I try to answer, but I can't. I swallow, hard. The dryness in my throat, suddenly becoming apparent to me. I shake my head, and try again.
"I don't- I-" He looks at me questioningly. "Sebastian, nothing- nothing is for sure right not, but... Abby is probably not going to wake up." He stares at me for a few moments, it seems as though, that has happened a lot lately.
I pull him into my arms, I feel Maddie come into the room and hop onto the bed with us. I free one of my arms and place it around her tiny body. Who knows what's going to happen, but it probably won't be good.
~Preview~
"Mummy! You told me that when it rains, it means that someone that really loves you is crying." I pick her up into my arms and walk shielding her from the rain that I have a feeling I caused. I just don't know why or how.