A Bloody…Parody? Soul Reaver
Chapter Six: Raziel Returns to the Sanctuary…
…With bonus material! That's right folks! As promised, I present thee with yon long awaited review responses! Y'know…that last sentence sounds kind of weird, so I'll stop talking like that and spare you all from going deaf…or blind, whatever…from my horrible old English "accent".
Anywho, I think I'm gonna do review responses a little differently than normal. I'm gonna make the responses part of the chapter! Pretty cool, huh? Now, onwards with the story!
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After defeating Melchiah, exiting the Necropolis, and receiving the next instruction from the Elder God, Raziel makes his way back towards the Sanctuary. Unfortunately, this meant he had to face Vampire Hunter A once again.
RAZIEL: Ah, shit. Not this guy again. How am I gonna get past him?
MORTALSORA: Heehee. I love how dumb these vampire hunters are. Maybe if you don't move, he won't see you. Y'know…like a T-Rex.
RAZIEL: You really think that'll work?
MORTALSORA: Sure! (giggle)
Raziel sneaks around V.H.A. When he turns in Raziel's direction, Raz instantly freezes. V.H.A. looks past Raz as if he weren't there.
RAZIEL: Hey, it worked!
V.H.A. immediately snaps his attention to Raz, who dimwittedly gave away his position.
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Dude! It's you! So, how'd it go?
RAZIEL: (nervous) Uh… Okay, I guess…
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: So where are you off to now?
RAZIEL: Uh, nowhere in particular. Why?
VAMPIRE HUNGER A: Can I come with you know?
RAZIEL: I'll think about it. *cough* not *cough* Ahem. Uh, tell me. You told all your buddies about me?
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: (with pride) Uh huh! Every human on Nosgoth now knows you're good and they won't be tryin' to kill ya! Now I'm free to help you kill all the vampires you want, since you won't be needin' me to spread good word about you anymore!
RAZIEL: (devious) Really?
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Yeah! So can I come with you now?
RAZIEL: (mischievously) Sure… I can't let a helpful SOUL go to waste. Now, can I?
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: (worried) Uh, no. I guess not. Hey, what are you doing? AAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
MORTALSORA: *giggle* Silly vampire hunter…
MIKOTO: (to MortalSora) Nope. Them vampire hunters aren't too bright.
MELCHIAH'S SOUL: And thanks for thinking I'm cool. No one else thinks I'm cool… :*(
RAZIEL: (pounds stomach) Hey, shut up in there!
MELCHIAH'S SOUL: Oof! Sorry.
Raziel continues back towards the Sanctuary. He crosses back through his former clan lands. He pauses when he notices something is amiss.
RAZIEL: Something seems different here. As if there was somebody here right after I left…
Standing in the middle of the courtyard is Angel-chan2 with a giant sign that says "All the Razielim went that-a-way!" with an arrow pointing to the left.
RAZIEL: "All the Razielim went…" Wait! Is this a trick?
ANGEL-CHAN2: No. They really went that way.
RAZIEL: I don't believe you. Did Kain send you? He sent you, didn't he?
ANGEL-CHAN2: No! I swear! Look! They're right over there!
Twenty feet away is a group of Razielim. Razielim #2 is engaged in a conversation with Komikitty.
RAZIELIM#2: …and then he was all like, "Dude! I'm so gonna kick his ass!" And I was all like, "Dude, you should totally kick his ass!"
KOMIKITTY: Dude, no way!
RAZIELIM#2: Way, man! Way!
Raziel turns his attention to another cluster of Razielim. Razielim #7 is having a more "intellectual" conversation with Dark-Sephiroth.
RAZIELIM #7: So you see, if a vampire drinks the blood from a couple of really wasted humans, then said vampire can get totally pissed drunk without having to deal with the side effects of flesh-burning water.
DARK-SEPHIROTH: I see. But you guys are still drinking straight beer. Why aren't you diluting it in blood, and more importantly, why isn't it burning you?
MIKOTO: Oh, I just let them drink beer straight to limit the number of humans in the story. Otherwise, I think I'd be at Human # 84918746 by now, especially with the way these guys party…
DARK-SEPHIROTH: That makes sense…
Raziel turns back to Angel-chan2. He is having doubts about her claim concerning the Razielim.
RAZIEL: Those delinquents are Razielim? LIES I say! LIES! You're just trying to stall me from vanquishing Kain! I'm on to you and your tricksie little plot!
Raziel walks away.
ANGEL-CHAN2: But…
MIKOTO: Sorry Angel-chan, but I think we should just let Raz continue believing what he wants.
KOMIKITTY: Mikoto, this guy reminds me of one of my friends! It's scary!
MIKOTO: Uh, yeah. That's cuz he IS one of your friends turned Razielim… And be afraid. Be very afraid… Mwahahahahahaha!
Raziel returns to the cliffs of the abyss. He sees Abbil sitting on one of the cliffs, laughing hysterically. He approaches with caution.
RAZIEL: Um… Can I help you?
ABBIL: *giggle*
RAZIEL: Are you okay?
ABBIL: *chuckle* Can't. *giggle* Stop. *twitch* Laughing. *snicker*
MIKOTO: Hahaha! Yet another person who finds it hilarious when I torture you, Raz!
RAZIEL: Elder God damn it to hell… (storms off)
MIKOTO: Hehehe… Here, Abbil. Have some more coffee and never stop laughing! ;)
ABBIL: My. *giggle* Stomach. *chuckle* Hurts.
Raziel finally makes it to the Sanctuary. However, he is stopped by a human wearing a badge that says "Plot Hole Inspector". He seems to be searching the cliff walls for something.
RAZIEL: What are you doing?
OMEGAXSABRE: Inspecting.
RAZIEL: For what?
OMEGAXSABRE: Plot holes.
RAZIEL: Plot holes?
OMEGAXSABRE: Yes. Plot holes.
MIKOTO: Raz! Keep him distracted while I hide these.
RAZIEL: What are they?
MIKOTO: Nothing!
Mikoto runs away carrying an armful of LoK plot holes.
RAZIEL: Hey, um, Mikoto just ran off with those plot holes you're looking for…
OMEGAXSABRE: She did? Get back here, you!
MIKOTO: NEVER! There ARE no plot holes in the LoK series! BAHAHAHAHAHA!
OmegaXSabre runs off after Mikoto.
RAZIEL: Whatever…
Raziel shifts to spectral and phases through the bars. He encounters a woman who seems to have found a way into the spectral realm.
SEEDYDEEDEE: Long time no see! *snicker*
RAZIEL: Do I know you? I'm getting this strange sense of déjà vu.
SEEDYDEEDEE: Does yellow custard ring a bell?
RAZIEL: Yellow custard… I'm not sure why, but the thought gives me a bad feeling… Wait. How did YOU get in the spectral realm? I thought only Mikoto could do that because she is the authoress…
SEEDYDEEDEE: Well, you see… I was playing the "spectra-material-spectral" game!
RAZIEL: It IS a fun game! Isn't it? ^_^
SEEDYDEEDEE: It sure is! (shifts to material)
RAZIEL: What a nice girl… I wonder what it was with the yellow custard… Ah well.
Raziel moves onward. He enters a large room. A long, narrow bridge stretches across the length of the room. There is a door at the far end of the room. Raziel crosses the bridge and tries to open the door.
AQUASWORD: (imitating EG's voice) Your efforts are futile, Raziel - such objects are but shadows in the spirit world.
EG: (crying) Line thief! Line thief!
RAZIEL: Wait a minute. (to EG) If you didn't say that, then who did?
AQUASWORD: (with pride) Me!
RAZIEL: How do you know I can't move this door in spectral? I can do it just fine!
Raziel tries desperately to open the door, but the door will not budge. Raz refuses to give up. A year passes and Raziel still has not opened the door.
AQUASWORD: Damn. This is pathetic. It only took me two days to figure this out…
RAZIEL: Shut up!
Raziel spots a conduit in front of the bridge. He shifts to the physical realm. Once there, he sees two Dumahim standing on the bridge with their backs to him.
RAZIEL: This will be easy pickings…
Raz picks up a vase and sneaks up behind the unsuspecting Dumahim.
DUMAHIM #5: Hit me!
RAZIEL: Don't mind if I do!
Raziel smashes Dumahim #5 over the head with the vase. The vampire stumbles over and falls into the water below.
TRELALA: What the crap, man! He was about to bust!
Raziel looks between Trelala, Dumahim #6, and the Black Jack game on the table between them.
TRELALA: Now I'm gonna have to find a replacement dumbass--I mean, Dumahim. Y'know, Dumahim aren't easy to come by these days. It's not like there are thousands of them just lying around, like Razielim.
RAZIEL: Haw haw. Very funny. But we all know, as scarce as the Dumahim may be, there are lots more Dumahim still alive than there are Razielim. Last I checked, there were ZERO Razielim left alive…
TRELALA: Yeah, whatever pal. Just let us finish our game.
RAZIEL: Fine, I will! Jeez, it's not like I'm trying to save the world or anything, here.
Raziel moves on, opening the door he could not budge while in spectral. Once on the other side, he must annoyingly shift BACK to spectral in order to pass through the gates on his way to the pillar room. He encounters a woman who appears to have wolfish features.
VLADIMIR'SANGEL: Hey Razzy, look! I got my own wraith kitty now! Isn't she just adorable!
Raziel walks over to VA and looks at the kitty she is cuddling. Raziel realizes that VA's kitty is cuter than Mewcifer and becomes instantly jealous. But he refuses to admit that.
RAZIEL: Yeah, I guess she looks okay.
VLADIMIR'SANGEL: Okay? What do you mean just 'okay'? She's the cutest wraith kitty on all of Nosgoth, and I made certain of that! I went to every spectral pet store and found the most purrfect kitty!
RAZIEL: Okay fine. She is cute. But mine is more vicious. Mewcifer acts like she wants attention, and as soon as you pick her up, she bites and claws and scratches. Why else do you think I have no eyes?
Raziel shifts to the material realm. He then enters the pillar room.
VOICE: Raziel.
RAZIEL: Kain! Wait, you're not Kain!
MIKOTO: Concept, what are you doing here? And where is Kain?
Concept Of A Demon rises from Kain's throne.
CONCEPT OF A DEMON: Kain is my bitch now. I told him to go out and kill some religious fanatics, otherwise I would give him another acid bath.
Kain suddenly enters. He has numerous cuts and bruises and it appears he even has a few crosses imbedded in his flesh.
CONCEPT OF A DEMON: What the hell happened? I told you to bring me back their heads!
KAIN: (in tears) I don't know! I was about to slay them all, but my Pikachu wouldn't come out of my Pokeball! (raises toy Pokeball in the air) Why, Pikachu? Why? Why do you turn your back on me?
RAZIEL: (smacks his forehead) What a frickin' idiot.
Kain finally notices Raziel's presence.
KAIN: Raziel. You return at last.
RAZIEL: Yeah, Kain. I've been kind of waiting for you to show up.
KAIN: The abyss has been unkind. I knew we shouldn't have dumped those toxic chemicals down there…
RAZIEL: I am your creation, Kain - now, as before. You criticize your own work. What have you done with my clan, degenerate? You have no right--
The rest of Raziel's sentence is lost on Kain, for his long hours of Pokemon have given him the attention span of a squirrel on crack. Kain has long since begun to daydream, thinking back to the previous night at the Razielim stronghold.
~~~~~~FLASHBACK!!!~~~~~~
Kain is in a hot tub (don't ask me how) with two hot Razielim chicks.
KAIN: Yeah, it's not easy being the most powerful being on all of Nosgoth.
RAZIELIM #10: Oh, you poor thing!
RAZIELIM #11: Here, let me give you a back rub.
KAIN: Thanks, babe. Anyway, as I was saying. It's very difficult to keep such strength under control. I have to be careful, lest I get carried away. I wouldn't want to hurt beauties such as yourselves. What I have made, I can also destroy, child.
RAZIEL'S VOICE: Damn you, Kain!
~~~~~~END FLASHBACK!!!~~~~~~
KAIN: Huh? Wha? Ah, shit.
Kain realizes that he had been day dreaming. Carried away with his memory, Kain had accidentally spoke that last sentence aloud. Raziel obviously interpreted it the wrong way.
RAZIEL: You are not God! This act of genocide is unconscionable!
KAIN: Conscious…? You dare speak to me of conscious? Only when you have felt the full gravity of choice should you dare to question my judgment! (to himself) I don't care if they were technically my grandchildren… Those two chicks were hot, after all.
RAZIEL: What the deuce? I don't want to hear about your incestuous behavior, Kain. Just what are you getting at?
KAIN: Your life's span is a flicker compared to the mass of doubt and regret that I have borne since Mortanius first turned me from the light… To know that the fate of the world hangs dependent on the advisedness of my every deed -- can you even begin to conceive what action you would take, in my position?
RAZIEL: *yawn* I guess I would chose integrity, Kain.
KAIN: Look around you, Raziel -- see what becomes of our empire.
Raziel takes a good look around him. The pillars are in worse shape than he last time he saw them. Construction equipment had been parked behind the pillars. A large sign next to Kain's throne read "Pillars of Nosgoth -- Closed Indefinitely".
RAZIEL: What's going on here?
KAIN: Witness the end of an age. The clans, scattered to the corners of Nosgoth… They are in fear of what's to come. The pillars shall soon be no more… They shall be torn down to make way for the new Disneyland in Nosgoth Theme Park. Ah well. This place has outlasted its usefulness -- as have you.
Kain reaches for the Soul Reaver, but it is not its sheath.
KAIN: Now where the hell did I put that blasted thing?
Kinsue enters the room with the Soul Reaver in his hands. He strikes a dramatic pose, wielding the blade high over his head.
KINSUE: I hath returned from mine noble quest and present ye with yon rarest treasure of all the land: The Mesamune!
KAIN: Hey, neat! That looks a lot like a sword I used to have! But mine was called the Soul Reaver.
RAZIEL: Kain, that "Mesamune" IS the Soul Reaver…
KAIN: It is? (to Kinsue) Give it back!
Kain grabs the Soul Reaver from Kinsue.
KINSUE: Onward to mine next quest! The search for yon Ultima Weapon!
Kinsue boards a train and heads off. With a menacing gleam in his eye, Kain turns towards Raziel.
RAZIEL: The Soul Reaver, Kain's ancient blade - older than any of us, and a thousand times more deadly. The legends claimed that the blade was possessed, and thrived by devouring the souls of its victims. Hmm… I, too, thrive by devouring the souls of my victims. What a coincidence! For all our bravado, we knew what it meant when Kain drew the Soul Reaver in anger - it meant you were dead.
Raziel and Kain begin their first battle. Kain charges telekinetic energy and focuses it within the blade. Raziel looks at him funny.
RAZIEL: What are you doing? Aren't you going to try to attack me?
Kain answers Raziel's inquiry with a bolt of energy directed towards him. Raziel immediately spots the oncoming attack.
RAZIEL: Aw, crap.
Raziel is hit full force by the blast, being electrocuted into the spectral realm. He hears Kain's victory cry as he shifts.
KAIN: Yay asparagus! I mean, Vae Victus!
RAZIEL: That retard! Can't even get his victory call right…
Raziel heads towards the plane portal when an odd character runs in front of him.
NINWHORE: Get back here, you stupid sluagh!
RAZIEL: What are you trying to do?
NINWHORE: Trying to put these pants on that sluagh.
Raziel drops to his knees and kisses NINWhore's feet.
RAZIEL: Oh, thank you, thank you so much for putting clothes on those hideous beasts! I could not stand to see their nasty asses a moment longer!
NINWHORE: You're welcome! (sees the sluagh is escaping) Hey! Where do you think you're going? (runs after sluagh)
After NINWhore runs off, Raziel shifts back to the material plane. He looks around and does not see Kain.
RAZIEL: Now where the hell did he go?
Raziel looks around, making his way towards the pillars. He hears a muffled shriek from behind Kain's throne. Heading around the pillars, he sees Kain has assembled all the lady reviewers. He has forced them into playing his version of Spin the Bottle, using the Soul Reaver as the bottle, and instead of kissing the one the blade points to, he feeds from them. Raziel is immediately irritated. He smacks Kain in the back of the head.
KAIN: OW! What was that for?
RAZIEL: What the hell are you doing? We're supposed to be battling to the death!
KAIN: Oh yeah. Sorry ladies, but our game must be delayed.
Kain teleports away. With Kain's disappearance, the ladies' faces change to a look of relief. Raziel returns to the front of the pillars. Kain suddenly turns towards him.
KAIN: Red light!
RAZIEL: Huh? What are you talking about? (steps toward Kain)
KAIN: Ha! You moved!
Kain blasts Raziel with another telekinetic bolt. Raziel is shunted to the spirit world again.
RAZIEL: What the hell was that about?
MIKOTO: Uh, I think Kain is playing "Red Light, Green Light".
RAZIEL: What the hell is that?
MIKOTO: When he turns away and says "green light" you can move towards him, but when he faces you and says "red light" you have to freeze or else he'll zap you back to the spirit realm.
RAZIEL: That is the stupidest thing I ever heard! He's a fucking 2000-year-old child!
Raziel returns to the material plane. Kain has his back to him and Raziel runs toward him.
KAIN: Red light! (Raz stops)
KAIN: Green light! (Raz runs at him again)
KAIN: Red light! (again Raz freezes)
KAIN: Green light! (Raz runs again)
RAZIEL: This is the stupidest thing he's ever made me do! To hell with this! I'm close enough to smack him now!
KAIN: Red light!
Raziel refuses to freeze this time and continues towards Kain.
KAIN: I said 'red light'!
Kain charges up telekinetic energy. But Raziel is quicker and punches Kain in the face.
RAZIEL: Grow up you numbskull!
KAIN: That hurt! I'll teach you!
Kain teleports to the opposite side of the room. Raz realizes he is too far away to reach him before he fires off another telekinetic blast. Thinking fast, he spots a stone column to his right.
RAZIEL: Hehehe… I'm so smart. I'll just hide behind this column until Kain fires that blast and then I'll go after him.
Raziel waits patiently behind the stone. Kain shoots the energy at Raz. To Raziel's dismay, he is struck by the bolt despite his 'clever' tactics. He ends up in the spirit world again.
RAZIEL: That bolt went right through that fucking pillar? What the crap! That's just not cricket!
Upon returning (yet again) to the physical world, Raziel immediately spots Kain. However, said vampire ruler has (again) forgotten about the epic battle at hand. He has returned to his Gameboy.
RAZIEL: Not that damn contraption again!
Raziel quickly runs up to Kain, smacking him a few times while uttering a few curse words. With Raziel's final strike, the Gameboy is knocked out of Kain's grasp and goes flying into a pillar, where it smashes into many pieces. Kain wears a look of complete horror on his face. It quickly turns to extreme anger.
Raziel backs down, realizing he has gone too far. Kain advances on him with the Soul Reaver drawn once again. Raz trips and falls, now completely at Kain's mercy. The vampire raises the blade into the air and brings it down upon Raziel's back. Upon contact with Raziel, the blade is broken into pieces.
KAIN: This sucks. The blade is vanquished. Just like my Gameboy. So it unfolds… and we are a step closer to our destinies. But for now, I'm outta here.
Kain teleports away. Weakened by the blow, Raziel falls back into the spirit realm. There, he sees the true form of the Soul Reaver… a wraith blade.
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Okay, that's enough for now. I'm gonna end it there. Chapter getting too long. I got everyone who has reviewed as of now in the chapter. I might do something like this again in a future chapter, so if you want to be included, you better review! Next chappie, Raz meets Ariel and heads off to find Zephon!
Chapter Six: Raziel Returns to the Sanctuary…
…With bonus material! That's right folks! As promised, I present thee with yon long awaited review responses! Y'know…that last sentence sounds kind of weird, so I'll stop talking like that and spare you all from going deaf…or blind, whatever…from my horrible old English "accent".
Anywho, I think I'm gonna do review responses a little differently than normal. I'm gonna make the responses part of the chapter! Pretty cool, huh? Now, onwards with the story!
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After defeating Melchiah, exiting the Necropolis, and receiving the next instruction from the Elder God, Raziel makes his way back towards the Sanctuary. Unfortunately, this meant he had to face Vampire Hunter A once again.
RAZIEL: Ah, shit. Not this guy again. How am I gonna get past him?
MORTALSORA: Heehee. I love how dumb these vampire hunters are. Maybe if you don't move, he won't see you. Y'know…like a T-Rex.
RAZIEL: You really think that'll work?
MORTALSORA: Sure! (giggle)
Raziel sneaks around V.H.A. When he turns in Raziel's direction, Raz instantly freezes. V.H.A. looks past Raz as if he weren't there.
RAZIEL: Hey, it worked!
V.H.A. immediately snaps his attention to Raz, who dimwittedly gave away his position.
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Dude! It's you! So, how'd it go?
RAZIEL: (nervous) Uh… Okay, I guess…
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: So where are you off to now?
RAZIEL: Uh, nowhere in particular. Why?
VAMPIRE HUNGER A: Can I come with you know?
RAZIEL: I'll think about it. *cough* not *cough* Ahem. Uh, tell me. You told all your buddies about me?
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: (with pride) Uh huh! Every human on Nosgoth now knows you're good and they won't be tryin' to kill ya! Now I'm free to help you kill all the vampires you want, since you won't be needin' me to spread good word about you anymore!
RAZIEL: (devious) Really?
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Yeah! So can I come with you now?
RAZIEL: (mischievously) Sure… I can't let a helpful SOUL go to waste. Now, can I?
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: (worried) Uh, no. I guess not. Hey, what are you doing? AAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
MORTALSORA: *giggle* Silly vampire hunter…
MIKOTO: (to MortalSora) Nope. Them vampire hunters aren't too bright.
MELCHIAH'S SOUL: And thanks for thinking I'm cool. No one else thinks I'm cool… :*(
RAZIEL: (pounds stomach) Hey, shut up in there!
MELCHIAH'S SOUL: Oof! Sorry.
Raziel continues back towards the Sanctuary. He crosses back through his former clan lands. He pauses when he notices something is amiss.
RAZIEL: Something seems different here. As if there was somebody here right after I left…
Standing in the middle of the courtyard is Angel-chan2 with a giant sign that says "All the Razielim went that-a-way!" with an arrow pointing to the left.
RAZIEL: "All the Razielim went…" Wait! Is this a trick?
ANGEL-CHAN2: No. They really went that way.
RAZIEL: I don't believe you. Did Kain send you? He sent you, didn't he?
ANGEL-CHAN2: No! I swear! Look! They're right over there!
Twenty feet away is a group of Razielim. Razielim #2 is engaged in a conversation with Komikitty.
RAZIELIM#2: …and then he was all like, "Dude! I'm so gonna kick his ass!" And I was all like, "Dude, you should totally kick his ass!"
KOMIKITTY: Dude, no way!
RAZIELIM#2: Way, man! Way!
Raziel turns his attention to another cluster of Razielim. Razielim #7 is having a more "intellectual" conversation with Dark-Sephiroth.
RAZIELIM #7: So you see, if a vampire drinks the blood from a couple of really wasted humans, then said vampire can get totally pissed drunk without having to deal with the side effects of flesh-burning water.
DARK-SEPHIROTH: I see. But you guys are still drinking straight beer. Why aren't you diluting it in blood, and more importantly, why isn't it burning you?
MIKOTO: Oh, I just let them drink beer straight to limit the number of humans in the story. Otherwise, I think I'd be at Human # 84918746 by now, especially with the way these guys party…
DARK-SEPHIROTH: That makes sense…
Raziel turns back to Angel-chan2. He is having doubts about her claim concerning the Razielim.
RAZIEL: Those delinquents are Razielim? LIES I say! LIES! You're just trying to stall me from vanquishing Kain! I'm on to you and your tricksie little plot!
Raziel walks away.
ANGEL-CHAN2: But…
MIKOTO: Sorry Angel-chan, but I think we should just let Raz continue believing what he wants.
KOMIKITTY: Mikoto, this guy reminds me of one of my friends! It's scary!
MIKOTO: Uh, yeah. That's cuz he IS one of your friends turned Razielim… And be afraid. Be very afraid… Mwahahahahahaha!
Raziel returns to the cliffs of the abyss. He sees Abbil sitting on one of the cliffs, laughing hysterically. He approaches with caution.
RAZIEL: Um… Can I help you?
ABBIL: *giggle*
RAZIEL: Are you okay?
ABBIL: *chuckle* Can't. *giggle* Stop. *twitch* Laughing. *snicker*
MIKOTO: Hahaha! Yet another person who finds it hilarious when I torture you, Raz!
RAZIEL: Elder God damn it to hell… (storms off)
MIKOTO: Hehehe… Here, Abbil. Have some more coffee and never stop laughing! ;)
ABBIL: My. *giggle* Stomach. *chuckle* Hurts.
Raziel finally makes it to the Sanctuary. However, he is stopped by a human wearing a badge that says "Plot Hole Inspector". He seems to be searching the cliff walls for something.
RAZIEL: What are you doing?
OMEGAXSABRE: Inspecting.
RAZIEL: For what?
OMEGAXSABRE: Plot holes.
RAZIEL: Plot holes?
OMEGAXSABRE: Yes. Plot holes.
MIKOTO: Raz! Keep him distracted while I hide these.
RAZIEL: What are they?
MIKOTO: Nothing!
Mikoto runs away carrying an armful of LoK plot holes.
RAZIEL: Hey, um, Mikoto just ran off with those plot holes you're looking for…
OMEGAXSABRE: She did? Get back here, you!
MIKOTO: NEVER! There ARE no plot holes in the LoK series! BAHAHAHAHAHA!
OmegaXSabre runs off after Mikoto.
RAZIEL: Whatever…
Raziel shifts to spectral and phases through the bars. He encounters a woman who seems to have found a way into the spectral realm.
SEEDYDEEDEE: Long time no see! *snicker*
RAZIEL: Do I know you? I'm getting this strange sense of déjà vu.
SEEDYDEEDEE: Does yellow custard ring a bell?
RAZIEL: Yellow custard… I'm not sure why, but the thought gives me a bad feeling… Wait. How did YOU get in the spectral realm? I thought only Mikoto could do that because she is the authoress…
SEEDYDEEDEE: Well, you see… I was playing the "spectra-material-spectral" game!
RAZIEL: It IS a fun game! Isn't it? ^_^
SEEDYDEEDEE: It sure is! (shifts to material)
RAZIEL: What a nice girl… I wonder what it was with the yellow custard… Ah well.
Raziel moves onward. He enters a large room. A long, narrow bridge stretches across the length of the room. There is a door at the far end of the room. Raziel crosses the bridge and tries to open the door.
AQUASWORD: (imitating EG's voice) Your efforts are futile, Raziel - such objects are but shadows in the spirit world.
EG: (crying) Line thief! Line thief!
RAZIEL: Wait a minute. (to EG) If you didn't say that, then who did?
AQUASWORD: (with pride) Me!
RAZIEL: How do you know I can't move this door in spectral? I can do it just fine!
Raziel tries desperately to open the door, but the door will not budge. Raz refuses to give up. A year passes and Raziel still has not opened the door.
AQUASWORD: Damn. This is pathetic. It only took me two days to figure this out…
RAZIEL: Shut up!
Raziel spots a conduit in front of the bridge. He shifts to the physical realm. Once there, he sees two Dumahim standing on the bridge with their backs to him.
RAZIEL: This will be easy pickings…
Raz picks up a vase and sneaks up behind the unsuspecting Dumahim.
DUMAHIM #5: Hit me!
RAZIEL: Don't mind if I do!
Raziel smashes Dumahim #5 over the head with the vase. The vampire stumbles over and falls into the water below.
TRELALA: What the crap, man! He was about to bust!
Raziel looks between Trelala, Dumahim #6, and the Black Jack game on the table between them.
TRELALA: Now I'm gonna have to find a replacement dumbass--I mean, Dumahim. Y'know, Dumahim aren't easy to come by these days. It's not like there are thousands of them just lying around, like Razielim.
RAZIEL: Haw haw. Very funny. But we all know, as scarce as the Dumahim may be, there are lots more Dumahim still alive than there are Razielim. Last I checked, there were ZERO Razielim left alive…
TRELALA: Yeah, whatever pal. Just let us finish our game.
RAZIEL: Fine, I will! Jeez, it's not like I'm trying to save the world or anything, here.
Raziel moves on, opening the door he could not budge while in spectral. Once on the other side, he must annoyingly shift BACK to spectral in order to pass through the gates on his way to the pillar room. He encounters a woman who appears to have wolfish features.
VLADIMIR'SANGEL: Hey Razzy, look! I got my own wraith kitty now! Isn't she just adorable!
Raziel walks over to VA and looks at the kitty she is cuddling. Raziel realizes that VA's kitty is cuter than Mewcifer and becomes instantly jealous. But he refuses to admit that.
RAZIEL: Yeah, I guess she looks okay.
VLADIMIR'SANGEL: Okay? What do you mean just 'okay'? She's the cutest wraith kitty on all of Nosgoth, and I made certain of that! I went to every spectral pet store and found the most purrfect kitty!
RAZIEL: Okay fine. She is cute. But mine is more vicious. Mewcifer acts like she wants attention, and as soon as you pick her up, she bites and claws and scratches. Why else do you think I have no eyes?
Raziel shifts to the material realm. He then enters the pillar room.
VOICE: Raziel.
RAZIEL: Kain! Wait, you're not Kain!
MIKOTO: Concept, what are you doing here? And where is Kain?
Concept Of A Demon rises from Kain's throne.
CONCEPT OF A DEMON: Kain is my bitch now. I told him to go out and kill some religious fanatics, otherwise I would give him another acid bath.
Kain suddenly enters. He has numerous cuts and bruises and it appears he even has a few crosses imbedded in his flesh.
CONCEPT OF A DEMON: What the hell happened? I told you to bring me back their heads!
KAIN: (in tears) I don't know! I was about to slay them all, but my Pikachu wouldn't come out of my Pokeball! (raises toy Pokeball in the air) Why, Pikachu? Why? Why do you turn your back on me?
RAZIEL: (smacks his forehead) What a frickin' idiot.
Kain finally notices Raziel's presence.
KAIN: Raziel. You return at last.
RAZIEL: Yeah, Kain. I've been kind of waiting for you to show up.
KAIN: The abyss has been unkind. I knew we shouldn't have dumped those toxic chemicals down there…
RAZIEL: I am your creation, Kain - now, as before. You criticize your own work. What have you done with my clan, degenerate? You have no right--
The rest of Raziel's sentence is lost on Kain, for his long hours of Pokemon have given him the attention span of a squirrel on crack. Kain has long since begun to daydream, thinking back to the previous night at the Razielim stronghold.
~~~~~~FLASHBACK!!!~~~~~~
Kain is in a hot tub (don't ask me how) with two hot Razielim chicks.
KAIN: Yeah, it's not easy being the most powerful being on all of Nosgoth.
RAZIELIM #10: Oh, you poor thing!
RAZIELIM #11: Here, let me give you a back rub.
KAIN: Thanks, babe. Anyway, as I was saying. It's very difficult to keep such strength under control. I have to be careful, lest I get carried away. I wouldn't want to hurt beauties such as yourselves. What I have made, I can also destroy, child.
RAZIEL'S VOICE: Damn you, Kain!
~~~~~~END FLASHBACK!!!~~~~~~
KAIN: Huh? Wha? Ah, shit.
Kain realizes that he had been day dreaming. Carried away with his memory, Kain had accidentally spoke that last sentence aloud. Raziel obviously interpreted it the wrong way.
RAZIEL: You are not God! This act of genocide is unconscionable!
KAIN: Conscious…? You dare speak to me of conscious? Only when you have felt the full gravity of choice should you dare to question my judgment! (to himself) I don't care if they were technically my grandchildren… Those two chicks were hot, after all.
RAZIEL: What the deuce? I don't want to hear about your incestuous behavior, Kain. Just what are you getting at?
KAIN: Your life's span is a flicker compared to the mass of doubt and regret that I have borne since Mortanius first turned me from the light… To know that the fate of the world hangs dependent on the advisedness of my every deed -- can you even begin to conceive what action you would take, in my position?
RAZIEL: *yawn* I guess I would chose integrity, Kain.
KAIN: Look around you, Raziel -- see what becomes of our empire.
Raziel takes a good look around him. The pillars are in worse shape than he last time he saw them. Construction equipment had been parked behind the pillars. A large sign next to Kain's throne read "Pillars of Nosgoth -- Closed Indefinitely".
RAZIEL: What's going on here?
KAIN: Witness the end of an age. The clans, scattered to the corners of Nosgoth… They are in fear of what's to come. The pillars shall soon be no more… They shall be torn down to make way for the new Disneyland in Nosgoth Theme Park. Ah well. This place has outlasted its usefulness -- as have you.
Kain reaches for the Soul Reaver, but it is not its sheath.
KAIN: Now where the hell did I put that blasted thing?
Kinsue enters the room with the Soul Reaver in his hands. He strikes a dramatic pose, wielding the blade high over his head.
KINSUE: I hath returned from mine noble quest and present ye with yon rarest treasure of all the land: The Mesamune!
KAIN: Hey, neat! That looks a lot like a sword I used to have! But mine was called the Soul Reaver.
RAZIEL: Kain, that "Mesamune" IS the Soul Reaver…
KAIN: It is? (to Kinsue) Give it back!
Kain grabs the Soul Reaver from Kinsue.
KINSUE: Onward to mine next quest! The search for yon Ultima Weapon!
Kinsue boards a train and heads off. With a menacing gleam in his eye, Kain turns towards Raziel.
RAZIEL: The Soul Reaver, Kain's ancient blade - older than any of us, and a thousand times more deadly. The legends claimed that the blade was possessed, and thrived by devouring the souls of its victims. Hmm… I, too, thrive by devouring the souls of my victims. What a coincidence! For all our bravado, we knew what it meant when Kain drew the Soul Reaver in anger - it meant you were dead.
Raziel and Kain begin their first battle. Kain charges telekinetic energy and focuses it within the blade. Raziel looks at him funny.
RAZIEL: What are you doing? Aren't you going to try to attack me?
Kain answers Raziel's inquiry with a bolt of energy directed towards him. Raziel immediately spots the oncoming attack.
RAZIEL: Aw, crap.
Raziel is hit full force by the blast, being electrocuted into the spectral realm. He hears Kain's victory cry as he shifts.
KAIN: Yay asparagus! I mean, Vae Victus!
RAZIEL: That retard! Can't even get his victory call right…
Raziel heads towards the plane portal when an odd character runs in front of him.
NINWHORE: Get back here, you stupid sluagh!
RAZIEL: What are you trying to do?
NINWHORE: Trying to put these pants on that sluagh.
Raziel drops to his knees and kisses NINWhore's feet.
RAZIEL: Oh, thank you, thank you so much for putting clothes on those hideous beasts! I could not stand to see their nasty asses a moment longer!
NINWHORE: You're welcome! (sees the sluagh is escaping) Hey! Where do you think you're going? (runs after sluagh)
After NINWhore runs off, Raziel shifts back to the material plane. He looks around and does not see Kain.
RAZIEL: Now where the hell did he go?
Raziel looks around, making his way towards the pillars. He hears a muffled shriek from behind Kain's throne. Heading around the pillars, he sees Kain has assembled all the lady reviewers. He has forced them into playing his version of Spin the Bottle, using the Soul Reaver as the bottle, and instead of kissing the one the blade points to, he feeds from them. Raziel is immediately irritated. He smacks Kain in the back of the head.
KAIN: OW! What was that for?
RAZIEL: What the hell are you doing? We're supposed to be battling to the death!
KAIN: Oh yeah. Sorry ladies, but our game must be delayed.
Kain teleports away. With Kain's disappearance, the ladies' faces change to a look of relief. Raziel returns to the front of the pillars. Kain suddenly turns towards him.
KAIN: Red light!
RAZIEL: Huh? What are you talking about? (steps toward Kain)
KAIN: Ha! You moved!
Kain blasts Raziel with another telekinetic bolt. Raziel is shunted to the spirit world again.
RAZIEL: What the hell was that about?
MIKOTO: Uh, I think Kain is playing "Red Light, Green Light".
RAZIEL: What the hell is that?
MIKOTO: When he turns away and says "green light" you can move towards him, but when he faces you and says "red light" you have to freeze or else he'll zap you back to the spirit realm.
RAZIEL: That is the stupidest thing I ever heard! He's a fucking 2000-year-old child!
Raziel returns to the material plane. Kain has his back to him and Raziel runs toward him.
KAIN: Red light! (Raz stops)
KAIN: Green light! (Raz runs at him again)
KAIN: Red light! (again Raz freezes)
KAIN: Green light! (Raz runs again)
RAZIEL: This is the stupidest thing he's ever made me do! To hell with this! I'm close enough to smack him now!
KAIN: Red light!
Raziel refuses to freeze this time and continues towards Kain.
KAIN: I said 'red light'!
Kain charges up telekinetic energy. But Raziel is quicker and punches Kain in the face.
RAZIEL: Grow up you numbskull!
KAIN: That hurt! I'll teach you!
Kain teleports to the opposite side of the room. Raz realizes he is too far away to reach him before he fires off another telekinetic blast. Thinking fast, he spots a stone column to his right.
RAZIEL: Hehehe… I'm so smart. I'll just hide behind this column until Kain fires that blast and then I'll go after him.
Raziel waits patiently behind the stone. Kain shoots the energy at Raz. To Raziel's dismay, he is struck by the bolt despite his 'clever' tactics. He ends up in the spirit world again.
RAZIEL: That bolt went right through that fucking pillar? What the crap! That's just not cricket!
Upon returning (yet again) to the physical world, Raziel immediately spots Kain. However, said vampire ruler has (again) forgotten about the epic battle at hand. He has returned to his Gameboy.
RAZIEL: Not that damn contraption again!
Raziel quickly runs up to Kain, smacking him a few times while uttering a few curse words. With Raziel's final strike, the Gameboy is knocked out of Kain's grasp and goes flying into a pillar, where it smashes into many pieces. Kain wears a look of complete horror on his face. It quickly turns to extreme anger.
Raziel backs down, realizing he has gone too far. Kain advances on him with the Soul Reaver drawn once again. Raz trips and falls, now completely at Kain's mercy. The vampire raises the blade into the air and brings it down upon Raziel's back. Upon contact with Raziel, the blade is broken into pieces.
KAIN: This sucks. The blade is vanquished. Just like my Gameboy. So it unfolds… and we are a step closer to our destinies. But for now, I'm outta here.
Kain teleports away. Weakened by the blow, Raziel falls back into the spirit realm. There, he sees the true form of the Soul Reaver… a wraith blade.
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Okay, that's enough for now. I'm gonna end it there. Chapter getting too long. I got everyone who has reviewed as of now in the chapter. I might do something like this again in a future chapter, so if you want to be included, you better review! Next chappie, Raz meets Ariel and heads off to find Zephon!