A Bloody Parody? Soul Reaver
Chapter Seven: Raziel Meets Ariel
When we last left off, Raziel had fallen back into the spectral realm, where he discovered the wraith form of the Soul Reaver.
RAZIEL: I swore I saw a glint of satisfaction in Kain's eye when the Soul Reaver was destroyed. I did not understand the game that Kain was playing. Then again, no one with an intellect superior to a ten-year-old would understand how to play Pokemon. But I knew the finishing move.
Raziel reaches out and takes hold of the wraith blade. The sword coils and attaches itself to Raziel's arm.
RAZIEL: NOW I SHALL DESTROY ALL THOSE FUCKING LITTLE POKEMON WITH THIS NEW BLADE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
MIKOTO: Woah… Simmer down there, buddy.
ELDER GOD: From this moment and ever afterward, you and this blade are inextricably bound.
MIKOTO: You talkin' to me?
EG: Soul Reaver and reaver of souls, your destinies are intertwined.
MIKOTO: (to Raz) Oh, he means you…
RAZIEL: Indeed, and I don't like the way that sounds. I don't think I want this sword anymore…
Raziel tries to put the wraith blade down, but fails. The blade seems to be permanently attached to his arm. Frustrated, Raz shakes his arm around viciously, trying to free his arm from the spectral blade. However, this does not work either.
RAZIEL: Damn blade… Get off me and go back into the other sword!!!
Raz tries to knock the blade off his arm by smashing it into a nearby pillar, however, the spectral energy just phases through the stone structure.
EG: By destroying the sword, you have liberated it from its corporeal prison…
RAZIEL: Well, it can go back, straight to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
EG: …and restored it to it's true form - a wraith blade, it's energy unbound.
MIKOTO: Wait… If the Soul Reaver has returned to it's true form, then shouldn't it look like Raziel? He is, after all, the wraith blade…
EG: Quiet wench! He can't know that yet!
RAZIEL: Know what?
EG: Nothing! Anyway, moving along… No longer a physical blade, it can only manifest itself in the material realm when your strength is fully restored. Once manifest, it will sustain you.
RAZIEL: (sarcastic) Oh, sure… But as soon as I start getting my ass kicked, it's gonna run and hide inside my arm like a little coward. How 'useful' this malignant freeloader is…
The EG remains silent. Obviously, he is no longer 'present'.
MIKOTO: How 'convenient' that guy is… He only wants to give out information when he wants something done, but when you have a question about something that contradicts logical logic, he always runs away.
RAZIEL: (giving Mikoto a skeptical look) 'logical logic'?
MIKOTO: Shut up.
Suddenly, a spirit makes itself known and floats down from behind the pillars.
ARIEL: What are you little soul?
RAZIEL: What do you mean, what am I? I'm a wraith like you, duh! Damn, your as dumb as you are ugly!
ARIEL: (angrily) I think I know what you are now… Another of Kain's creatures, come to taunt this bound spectre?
RAZIEL: Bound? If you were bound here, then how come I didn't see you floating around here all those times Kain knocked me into the spectral realm during our battle, hmm? Answer me that one, bonehead!
ARIEL: I was here the entire time…
RAZIEL: No you weren't! If you were here, then how many times did I smack Kain into submission?
ARIEL: Um… Three?
RAZIEL: (muttering under his breath) Damn, she got it right… Wait a sec… She ain't so smart. (to Ariel) You are so totally wrong!
ARIEL: Four times?
RAZIEL: Wrong again! Try a million times!
MIKOTO: (returns Raziel's puzzled look from earlier) 'A million times?'
RAZIEL: Shut up.
ARIEL: Okay! Okay! I admit it… So I wasn't here. I was out getting my feet a pedicure…
MIKOTO: Eh?
RAZIEL: Uh, pretending to understand that and continuing onward… I did not intend to disturb your rest.
ARIEL: Rest? A body is needed for sleep… Flesh and bone are required to recline.
RAZIEL: What are you talking about? I'm a ghost too and I can relax just fine, see?
Raziel hops onto the throne, his arms are behind his head and his feet are slung over one of the arms of the throne.
ARIEL: No, child, all I may do is watch, and remember, ceaselessly conscious as this wretched world's history unfurls.
RAZIEL: Wait, wait, wait! How can I trust your memory when you don't even remember who I am?
ARIEL: What do you mean?
RAZIEL: We've met before… twice! Once in Soul Reaver 2 and again in Defiance!
MIKOTO: (smacks Raz) Shut up! You can't say that!
RAZIEL: (rubbing the slap mark on his face) OW! Say what?
MIKOTO: You can't say that you met Ariel in Defiance! That's a spoiler!
RAZIEL: Oh, it's hardly a spoiler. Da bitch has appeared in almost every game… except Blood Omen 2... so I think it's only obvious that her ugly ass is in Defiance too.
ARIEL: (angered again) Ghastly past, insufferable future, are they one and the same…? Am I always here?
RAZIEL: Well, perhaps you are here in 'spirit', but mentally, you're way out there, you wacko. (muttering) Can't even remember someone with such good looks as myself…
MIKOTO: HA! A little vain, are we?
Raziel gives Mikoto a death glare, then turns his attention back to Ariel.
RAZIEL: Let's just cut to the chase. How have you come to haunt these pillars? Couldn't you have found some other pillars to torment with your hideous face? Just look at how THESE pillars have suffered because of your presence! They're just stumps of their former glory!
ARIEL: You think I caused this? This was not MY doing! This was the result of another's horrific visage! Kain refused the sacrifice. It is HIS horrible face that has destroyed the pillars. The Pillar of Balance, corrupted to its core, stands as a monument to his blind ambition. If only he looked in the mirror, he'd realize how his repulsive appearance has caused them to decay. Now these pillars serve only to bind me here -- my prison and eternal home, thanks to the avarice of your master, Kain…
RAZIEL: Zzzz… Zzzz… Zzzz…
MIKOTO: Figures, he fell asleep…
Mikoto walks behind the throne, and tips it forward, spilling Raziel onto the floor. (Never you mind that everyone is currently in the spectral realm and physical objects cannot be moved in said realm. And never you mind that even in the physical realm, such a feat is impossible. Divine authoress powers at work here…) When Raz collides with the floor, he snaps out of his sleep.
RAZIEL: What the-? What just happened?
ARIEL: Uh, your master… Kain… it's his fault I'm stuck here.
RAZIEL: That bastard can claim no allegiance from me. Not even his precious Pikachu is loyal to that pinhead.
ARIEL: Then we share a common foe, Raziel.
RAZIEL: (muttering) Yeah… the plastic surgeon…
ARIEL: Return here when you have need. Ariel remembers what others have forgotten…
RAZIEL: Well, I ain't coming back here then, considering that horrible memory of yours. And I won't have you look at your ugly face again either! Thank the EG that I no longer have eyes. Otherwise they would've melted from my face a la 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'.
Ariel sends Raziel one last death glare before she fades away. Raziel then makes his way out of the Sanctuary. Annoyingly, and as if right on cue, the Elder God once again makes himself known with more instruction for our dear Raziel.
EG: Seek out Zephon's lair, Raziel… beyond the ruins that greet your exit from the Underworld. Armed with the Soul Reaver, you may gain entry where your path was previously blocked.
RAZIEL: (in a whiney voice imitating the EG) Seek out Zephon, Raziel… Use the Soul Reaver, Raziel… Damn it! When the hell does a guy get a break around here?
Mikoto pops up, holding a strange device in her hand.
MIKOTO: I'm feeling kind of generous… I guess you can take a break now.
RAZIEL: (sits on a nearby rock) Good. My feet were killing me. Hey, what's that thing you got in your hands?
Mikoto holds up the object in her hands.
MIKOTO: Oh, this? Just a PS controller… You don't have to worry about this little thing…
RAZIEL: Anytime you tell me not to worry about something, it usually means I ought to be concerned. Now what does it do?
MIKOTO: All you need to know is that this little device-thingy is what is gonna give you your little break.
RAZIEL: What the-? How so?
Mikoto doesn't answer. Instead, she starts fiddling with the controller.
RAZIEL: What are you doing?
Raziel attempts to stand, but finds he is frozen in place. It is then that he notices the cord that is attached to the controller. To Raziel's horror, the cord winds its way towards him. Mikoto wears a devious grin on her face, knowing full well that the controller is plugged into the back of Raziel's head via 'The Matrix' style.
MIKOTO: You wanted a break, Raziel. So here is your break.
RAZIEL: (panicked) What are you doing? Why do I feel funny?
Raziel's body suddenly appears like green encryption coding, then he fades and disappears. It is then, that Mikoto answers Raziel's questions for him, even though he is no longer there.
MIKOTO: Now, I've saved our progress and I shall take my leave of Nosgoth.
VAMPIRES OF NOSGOTH: (simultaneously) HURRAY! Ding, dong! The witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch! Ding, dong! The wicked witch is dead!
MIKOTO: I'M NOT DEAD, YOU MORONS! I'm just leaving! And don't you worry… I'll be back!
VAMPIRES OF NOSGOTH: DAMN IT!
Mikoto then fades and disappears as well.
Elsewhere…
Raziel finds himself in a strange place he has never seen before. Tall structures constructed of metal and glass surround him. Hundreds of humans push past him, not in the least bit fazed that he is among them. Suddenly, he feels a foreboding presence behind him.
RAZIEL: Mikoto, if that's you, I'm gonna stomp your face in for sending me here…
Raz turns around, but Mikoto is not behind him. Instead, a middle-aged man in a suit and sunglasses is facing him.
AGENT SMITH: Misssster Raziel… How good it is to finally have met you.
RAZIEL: What the deuce? Why? Are you gay or something?
AGENT SMITH: How dare you attempt to insult me. For that, you will pay.
Smith takes a few steps towards Raz.
RAZIEL: Look, I don't care what preferences you may have. I'm just not into that… Can't you see that I'm not exactly equipped anyway?
AGENT SMITH: I'm going to tear you limb from limb. (runs towards Raz)
RAZIEL: (takes off running) AUGH! Somebody get him away from me! He's worse than Moebius!!!
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Yeah, this chapter is a little shorter. I'm still working out Raziel's venture through the Silent Cathedral in my head. And this chapter kind of ended on a weird note too. Just kind of a random thingy there. Well, hopefully, I'll have my next chapter up sooner than this one took. Oh, and as always, thank you for reading my silly LoK parody! ^_^
Chapter Seven: Raziel Meets Ariel
When we last left off, Raziel had fallen back into the spectral realm, where he discovered the wraith form of the Soul Reaver.
RAZIEL: I swore I saw a glint of satisfaction in Kain's eye when the Soul Reaver was destroyed. I did not understand the game that Kain was playing. Then again, no one with an intellect superior to a ten-year-old would understand how to play Pokemon. But I knew the finishing move.
Raziel reaches out and takes hold of the wraith blade. The sword coils and attaches itself to Raziel's arm.
RAZIEL: NOW I SHALL DESTROY ALL THOSE FUCKING LITTLE POKEMON WITH THIS NEW BLADE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
MIKOTO: Woah… Simmer down there, buddy.
ELDER GOD: From this moment and ever afterward, you and this blade are inextricably bound.
MIKOTO: You talkin' to me?
EG: Soul Reaver and reaver of souls, your destinies are intertwined.
MIKOTO: (to Raz) Oh, he means you…
RAZIEL: Indeed, and I don't like the way that sounds. I don't think I want this sword anymore…
Raziel tries to put the wraith blade down, but fails. The blade seems to be permanently attached to his arm. Frustrated, Raz shakes his arm around viciously, trying to free his arm from the spectral blade. However, this does not work either.
RAZIEL: Damn blade… Get off me and go back into the other sword!!!
Raz tries to knock the blade off his arm by smashing it into a nearby pillar, however, the spectral energy just phases through the stone structure.
EG: By destroying the sword, you have liberated it from its corporeal prison…
RAZIEL: Well, it can go back, straight to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
EG: …and restored it to it's true form - a wraith blade, it's energy unbound.
MIKOTO: Wait… If the Soul Reaver has returned to it's true form, then shouldn't it look like Raziel? He is, after all, the wraith blade…
EG: Quiet wench! He can't know that yet!
RAZIEL: Know what?
EG: Nothing! Anyway, moving along… No longer a physical blade, it can only manifest itself in the material realm when your strength is fully restored. Once manifest, it will sustain you.
RAZIEL: (sarcastic) Oh, sure… But as soon as I start getting my ass kicked, it's gonna run and hide inside my arm like a little coward. How 'useful' this malignant freeloader is…
The EG remains silent. Obviously, he is no longer 'present'.
MIKOTO: How 'convenient' that guy is… He only wants to give out information when he wants something done, but when you have a question about something that contradicts logical logic, he always runs away.
RAZIEL: (giving Mikoto a skeptical look) 'logical logic'?
MIKOTO: Shut up.
Suddenly, a spirit makes itself known and floats down from behind the pillars.
ARIEL: What are you little soul?
RAZIEL: What do you mean, what am I? I'm a wraith like you, duh! Damn, your as dumb as you are ugly!
ARIEL: (angrily) I think I know what you are now… Another of Kain's creatures, come to taunt this bound spectre?
RAZIEL: Bound? If you were bound here, then how come I didn't see you floating around here all those times Kain knocked me into the spectral realm during our battle, hmm? Answer me that one, bonehead!
ARIEL: I was here the entire time…
RAZIEL: No you weren't! If you were here, then how many times did I smack Kain into submission?
ARIEL: Um… Three?
RAZIEL: (muttering under his breath) Damn, she got it right… Wait a sec… She ain't so smart. (to Ariel) You are so totally wrong!
ARIEL: Four times?
RAZIEL: Wrong again! Try a million times!
MIKOTO: (returns Raziel's puzzled look from earlier) 'A million times?'
RAZIEL: Shut up.
ARIEL: Okay! Okay! I admit it… So I wasn't here. I was out getting my feet a pedicure…
MIKOTO: Eh?
RAZIEL: Uh, pretending to understand that and continuing onward… I did not intend to disturb your rest.
ARIEL: Rest? A body is needed for sleep… Flesh and bone are required to recline.
RAZIEL: What are you talking about? I'm a ghost too and I can relax just fine, see?
Raziel hops onto the throne, his arms are behind his head and his feet are slung over one of the arms of the throne.
ARIEL: No, child, all I may do is watch, and remember, ceaselessly conscious as this wretched world's history unfurls.
RAZIEL: Wait, wait, wait! How can I trust your memory when you don't even remember who I am?
ARIEL: What do you mean?
RAZIEL: We've met before… twice! Once in Soul Reaver 2 and again in Defiance!
MIKOTO: (smacks Raz) Shut up! You can't say that!
RAZIEL: (rubbing the slap mark on his face) OW! Say what?
MIKOTO: You can't say that you met Ariel in Defiance! That's a spoiler!
RAZIEL: Oh, it's hardly a spoiler. Da bitch has appeared in almost every game… except Blood Omen 2... so I think it's only obvious that her ugly ass is in Defiance too.
ARIEL: (angered again) Ghastly past, insufferable future, are they one and the same…? Am I always here?
RAZIEL: Well, perhaps you are here in 'spirit', but mentally, you're way out there, you wacko. (muttering) Can't even remember someone with such good looks as myself…
MIKOTO: HA! A little vain, are we?
Raziel gives Mikoto a death glare, then turns his attention back to Ariel.
RAZIEL: Let's just cut to the chase. How have you come to haunt these pillars? Couldn't you have found some other pillars to torment with your hideous face? Just look at how THESE pillars have suffered because of your presence! They're just stumps of their former glory!
ARIEL: You think I caused this? This was not MY doing! This was the result of another's horrific visage! Kain refused the sacrifice. It is HIS horrible face that has destroyed the pillars. The Pillar of Balance, corrupted to its core, stands as a monument to his blind ambition. If only he looked in the mirror, he'd realize how his repulsive appearance has caused them to decay. Now these pillars serve only to bind me here -- my prison and eternal home, thanks to the avarice of your master, Kain…
RAZIEL: Zzzz… Zzzz… Zzzz…
MIKOTO: Figures, he fell asleep…
Mikoto walks behind the throne, and tips it forward, spilling Raziel onto the floor. (Never you mind that everyone is currently in the spectral realm and physical objects cannot be moved in said realm. And never you mind that even in the physical realm, such a feat is impossible. Divine authoress powers at work here…) When Raz collides with the floor, he snaps out of his sleep.
RAZIEL: What the-? What just happened?
ARIEL: Uh, your master… Kain… it's his fault I'm stuck here.
RAZIEL: That bastard can claim no allegiance from me. Not even his precious Pikachu is loyal to that pinhead.
ARIEL: Then we share a common foe, Raziel.
RAZIEL: (muttering) Yeah… the plastic surgeon…
ARIEL: Return here when you have need. Ariel remembers what others have forgotten…
RAZIEL: Well, I ain't coming back here then, considering that horrible memory of yours. And I won't have you look at your ugly face again either! Thank the EG that I no longer have eyes. Otherwise they would've melted from my face a la 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'.
Ariel sends Raziel one last death glare before she fades away. Raziel then makes his way out of the Sanctuary. Annoyingly, and as if right on cue, the Elder God once again makes himself known with more instruction for our dear Raziel.
EG: Seek out Zephon's lair, Raziel… beyond the ruins that greet your exit from the Underworld. Armed with the Soul Reaver, you may gain entry where your path was previously blocked.
RAZIEL: (in a whiney voice imitating the EG) Seek out Zephon, Raziel… Use the Soul Reaver, Raziel… Damn it! When the hell does a guy get a break around here?
Mikoto pops up, holding a strange device in her hand.
MIKOTO: I'm feeling kind of generous… I guess you can take a break now.
RAZIEL: (sits on a nearby rock) Good. My feet were killing me. Hey, what's that thing you got in your hands?
Mikoto holds up the object in her hands.
MIKOTO: Oh, this? Just a PS controller… You don't have to worry about this little thing…
RAZIEL: Anytime you tell me not to worry about something, it usually means I ought to be concerned. Now what does it do?
MIKOTO: All you need to know is that this little device-thingy is what is gonna give you your little break.
RAZIEL: What the-? How so?
Mikoto doesn't answer. Instead, she starts fiddling with the controller.
RAZIEL: What are you doing?
Raziel attempts to stand, but finds he is frozen in place. It is then that he notices the cord that is attached to the controller. To Raziel's horror, the cord winds its way towards him. Mikoto wears a devious grin on her face, knowing full well that the controller is plugged into the back of Raziel's head via 'The Matrix' style.
MIKOTO: You wanted a break, Raziel. So here is your break.
RAZIEL: (panicked) What are you doing? Why do I feel funny?
Raziel's body suddenly appears like green encryption coding, then he fades and disappears. It is then, that Mikoto answers Raziel's questions for him, even though he is no longer there.
MIKOTO: Now, I've saved our progress and I shall take my leave of Nosgoth.
VAMPIRES OF NOSGOTH: (simultaneously) HURRAY! Ding, dong! The witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch! Ding, dong! The wicked witch is dead!
MIKOTO: I'M NOT DEAD, YOU MORONS! I'm just leaving! And don't you worry… I'll be back!
VAMPIRES OF NOSGOTH: DAMN IT!
Mikoto then fades and disappears as well.
Elsewhere…
Raziel finds himself in a strange place he has never seen before. Tall structures constructed of metal and glass surround him. Hundreds of humans push past him, not in the least bit fazed that he is among them. Suddenly, he feels a foreboding presence behind him.
RAZIEL: Mikoto, if that's you, I'm gonna stomp your face in for sending me here…
Raz turns around, but Mikoto is not behind him. Instead, a middle-aged man in a suit and sunglasses is facing him.
AGENT SMITH: Misssster Raziel… How good it is to finally have met you.
RAZIEL: What the deuce? Why? Are you gay or something?
AGENT SMITH: How dare you attempt to insult me. For that, you will pay.
Smith takes a few steps towards Raz.
RAZIEL: Look, I don't care what preferences you may have. I'm just not into that… Can't you see that I'm not exactly equipped anyway?
AGENT SMITH: I'm going to tear you limb from limb. (runs towards Raz)
RAZIEL: (takes off running) AUGH! Somebody get him away from me! He's worse than Moebius!!!
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Yeah, this chapter is a little shorter. I'm still working out Raziel's venture through the Silent Cathedral in my head. And this chapter kind of ended on a weird note too. Just kind of a random thingy there. Well, hopefully, I'll have my next chapter up sooner than this one took. Oh, and as always, thank you for reading my silly LoK parody! ^_^