A Bloody… Parody? Soul Reaver
Chapter Eight: The Silenced Cathedral
Last time we met, Raziel had somehow gotten transported into the Matrix, where he accused Agent Smith of being gay. This is not the case however, and a very upset agent is now chasing down a very stupid vampire wraith who does not realize he could very easily kick Smith's ass.
RAZIEL: I can? Oh, yeah… I CAN, can't I?
Raziel halts in his tracks and turns to face Smith.
AGENT SMITH: So you've finally decided to face your fate.
RAZIEL: And what would YOU know of my fate? I don't even know what my fate is yet… I have a feeling Mikoto knows something about it, and if she does, she seems to be hiding it from me…
AGENT SMITH: Come with me and I shall answer all your questions for you…
RAZIEL: Uh, okay.
Several minutes later, and several blocks away, Raziel and Smith are sitting at a table in a diner.
RAZIEL: I SO understand everything now! It's like, the blue pills are like "hey", and the red pills are like "ho" and it's like, ya mix 'em all together, and it's all "hey, ho! C'mon! hey, ho!" Hey, Smith-guy! This is some kick-ass brownie you gave me! Where'd you get it?
AGENT SMITH: I didn't give you a brownie…
RAZIEL: (looks down at the half-eaten brownie in his claws) Then where'd this come from?
At the next table over…
TRINITY: Do you think the brownie is gonna work?
MORPHEUS: Of course… we put enough pills in that thing, he should be waking up from the Matrix any second now.
TRINITY: Are you sure he's the one?
MORPHEUS: He has to be the one. He's the only one with free will, remember?
Back at Raz's table…
RAZIEL: (singing… badly) Hello, hello, hello… Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?
AGENT SMITH: (growing irritated) How much longer must I put up with this fool? I know those humans are trying to contact him…
Mikoto enters the diner and immediately spots Raziel at the table. She storms over and scolds Raz.
MIKOTO: THERE you are! How the hell did you get here? Do you know I've been looking everywhere for you? I searched most of Middle Earth for you, and you're HERE the entire time goofing around! What have you got to say for yourself?
RAZIEL: Mommy, why do you have three heads?
Mikoto gives Raz an odd look, then turns her attention to Smith.
MIKOTO: What have you done to him?
AGENT SMITH: I've done nothing. Your associate is a complete idiot.
MIKOTO: I know that! But he doesn't usually act this stupid! C'mon Raziel, you have a destiny to fulfill…
The PS controller reappears in Mikoto's hands. She very forcefully slams the plug into the back of Razzi's skull.
RAZIEL: That felt funny. Don't penetrate me like that again…
Mikoto's jaw drops at Raziel's unintentional remark. She tries to scold him, but she has been rendered speechless. So, she does the only other logical thing one would do in this situation… she resorts to physical violence. She picks a plate up off the table and slams it on Raz's head, shattering it in the process.
MIKOTO: And don't ever say anything like that again! Now let's go!
Mikoto clicks a few buttons on the controller, and the two fade out of the Matrix world.
At Trinity and Morpheus' table…
TRINITY: I don't think he was 'the One'. Somehow, I don't think a relationship would have worked out with that guy…
MORPHEUS: Yeah, uh… I knew he wasn't 'the One' the entire time… I was just, uh, testing you.. Yeah…
TRINITY: Ri-i-i-i-i-ight…
Back on Nosgoth (finally!), Raziel and Mikoto arrive in front of the steel gates of the Silent Cathedral. No longer in the Matrix world, the pills Raziel had ingested are no longer affecting him.
RAZIEL: Oh, but my head is killing me! I think I'm going through withdrawal!
MIKOTO: Deal with it, pill-popper. Now use the Reaver on that door so we can get in there.
RAZIEL: (sigh) Fine.
Raz walks up to the door, and uses the blade to unlock the door. The metal slabs slide open, to reveal bars blocking the path.
RAZIEL: What the crap! I opened the friggin' door, only to have friggin' bars block my path? What gives?
MIKOTO: Just hurry up and do your plane-shift-thing and get in there.
Raziel rolls his eyes (somehow) and does the 'plane-shift-thing'. On the other side of the gate, he returns to the physical realm. Unfortunately, he is met with a new breed of vampire: the children of Zephon.
RAZIEL: Oh, god! They're hideous! How did their limbs come to bend in such ways? Oh, dear lord! The monstrosity of it all!
ZEPHONIM #1: Uh, we're over here…
ZEPHONIM #2: Yeah, that's just a crack in the wall…
Raziel turns around and faces the true Zephonim.
RAZIEL: Oh, sorry about that-- Oh, god! You're hideous! Oh, my eyes! I'm gonna go back to looking at the crack in the wall!
ZEPHONIM #1: Dude, this CAN'T be the guy Lord Zephon said was coming to kill us. He's just way too stupid.
ZEPHONIM #2: Yeah, let's go. I've got better things to do, like rehearse for the lead role in Arachnophobia II.
ZEPHONIM #1: There's gonna be a sequel to that movie?
ZEPHONIM #2: Uh, I haven't heard anyone mention anything about it yet, but it's good to be prepared, just in case…
The two Zephonim leave. Raziel is in the middle of a one-sided conversation with the crack in the wall.
RAZIEL: I don't know… How many Zephonim DOES is take to screw in a light bulb? (momentary silence) None? Hahahahahahahaha! I don't get it…
Raziel moves onward and enters the big open area with all the silo-thingies. There's not really much interesting here, except a few annoying Zephonim crawling on the walls. Raziel makes his way to the top and enters the main cathedral. Inside, the air is still and stagnant. The pipes are quiet and covered in dust, having not been used in centuries.
RAZIEL: Once a testament to mankind's defiance of Kain's empire, this towering cathedral now stood derelict, the humans who worshipped here, centuries dead.
MIKOTO: (sarcastic) Yep, that's right, Razzy. No annoying humans here to 'bug' you. And you won't find any vampire-worshipping 'pests' here either. No siree!
RAZIEL: Good, cuz I just want to get through this cathedral a.s.a.p. This place is a dump. Its architects conceived this tower as a holy weapon against the vampire menace, a colossal instrument of brass and stone.
MIKOTO: They obviously should have done a better job building the place. Then perhaps the Zephonim wouldn't have been able to conquer the humans who had lived here.
RAZIEL: Indeed. The cathedral's pipes, once tuned to blast a deadly hymn, now stood silent, and these vacant spaces whistled their impotence.
MIKOTO: Perhaps the humans of the past shouldn't have relied upon Ricky Martin to kill off the vampires. Though his voice is deadly to vampires, his music attracted Moebius' attention and that old pervert just had to come along and kidnap him for his own sick reasons.
RAZIEL: That poor, poor soul. Even HE did not deserve that fate…
MIKOTO: Are you talking about Ricky, or Moebius?
RAZIEL: Does it matter? I think they are both suffering in each others' presence.
Centuries ago, in Nosgoth's past--
MIKOTO: Oh, hell no! We are NOT doing a flashback of THAT situation!
NARRATOR: Sorry.
MIKOTO: Well, Raz… seems like you've got some puzzles and such coming up. So I'll be outta here. See ya! (disappears)
And this is marks the beginning of Raziel's annoyance. At first, Raz is unsure how to proceed through the cathedral. Eventually, he realizes he must reach a platform high above. But it takes him even longer to realize that he must switch to spectral to get up there.
RAZIEL: (after falling off the too-steep pipe for the hundredth time) Damn it, narrator! If you knew how to do it all along, why didn't you tell me to begin with?
Yes, it was very amusing to watch Raziel repeatedly fail at such a simple task. He climbs the platforms, switching back to the material world, and enters the first door. The room is empty, except for a few annoying vampires and a switch on the wall.
RAZIEL: And conveniently, I am unable to flip said switch, I might add. I can jump up and reach the damn thing, but why is it I cannot move it, huh? It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Lara Croft can jump up and grab a switch! Why can't I? It's discrimination against the undead, I say!
After Razzi's bitch-fest, he continues towards the next room, flipping another switch along the way. In the second room, he is confronted by more spidey-vamps and a block puzzle.
RAZIEL: This doesn't look too hard. Just gotta match the pictures.
A half hour goes by and Raziel has placed 3 blocks in their correct places. Raz has one more block to place and discovers it goes in a slot up above the floor.
RAZIEL: Oh, bloody hell! What is with people and making puzzles and switches above floor level! Damn it! Now I have to undo most of what I've done just to get this friggin' block in there!
After an hour of block placing, Raziel returns to the first room, where a platform has extended from the wall. Flipping the switch, he returns to the larger chamber where there is now a strong air current flowing upwards. Raziel rides the jet stream to the next level up in the cathedral.
Raz finds himself in another large chamber. Through a door to his right, he enters an area surrounded by glass. He notices the two bells, and after a few tries he is able get them ringing simultaneously. One of the glass panels smash to pieces.
RAZIEL: Smashy! Smashy!
Raziel then ventures into a room and spectral realm/shifts through a gate, where another block puzzle awaits him.
RAZIEL: At least this time all the blocks slide into notches on ground level.
Three hours later, the puzzle is complete. Raziel continues towards the next room.
RAZIEL: And lo and behold! Another block puzzle! Damn it. This one's a little trickier.
Seventeen hours later, this puzzle is complete.
RAZIEL: Y'know, my arms are starting to get tired. And I'm also tired of those damn vampires dropping down on me every time I'm in the middle of placing a block. I'd kill 'em if I hadn't killed 'em already.
Returning the area encased in glass, Raziel pulls a crank lever which causes a section of wall to move, revealing a path. Razzi searches in vain for the secret path, but cannot find it. He returns to the crank, to find it in its original position.
RAZIEL: What the hell… Is someone playing pranks on me? I know I turned this! I'm not an idiot!
MIKOTO: No one touched it, Raziel.
RAZIEL: My ass no one's touched it. Levers don't just move on their own, y'know.
MIKOTO: It's on a timer dumb ass. You have to shift to the spectral realm where time doesn't exist. Then you can get to the passage before it closes again.
RAZIEL: You think you're so smart. I would've figured it out eventually.
MIKOTO: Yeah, well, the readers don't have time to wait for you to figure it out on your own.
RAZIEL: Whatever…
Raziel turns the crank again, this time switching to spectral. He finds the passage easily. He kills a few vampire worshippers.
RAZIEL: …that Mikoto 'promised' wouldn't be there…
MIKOTO: Don't you know sarcasm when you hear it?
Raziel follows some pipes up to a narrow path. He kills a Zephonim and proceeds to a small room where two vampire hunters have set up camp.
VAMPIRE HUNTER C: Hey, look! It's that blue guy V.H.A. told us about!
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: Yeah! How's it going, man? You here to kill the arachnid vampires now?
RAZIEL: No, I'm just here to invite Zephon to my upcoming slumber party.
VAMPIRE HUNTER C: Slumber party? Sweet! Can we come too?
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: Yeah! Yeah! I can bring stuff to make s'mores!
RAZIEL: Idiots… Wait a sec… What happened to Vampire Hunter D?
Mikoto slaps Raziel in the back of the head.
MIKOTO: Do you know nothing?
RAZIEL: What?
MIKOTO: Vampire Hunter D is already copyrighted to someone. I can't just go stealing a character created by someone else and throw them into a story.
RAZIEL: Uh… DUH! What the hell do you think you're doing right now???
MIKOTO: Shut up. Alright, fine. I can't have Vampire Hunter D in this story, cuz I don't know very much about him, okay? Jeez… Besides, he's probably cooler than you and he would steal the show from you. (sarcastic) And we wouldn't want THAT, now would we?
RAZIEL: (ignoring the insult) I see you're finally admitting your ignorance, Mikoto.
MIKOTO: (uber-angry) I'll show you ignorance.
Mikoto steals the flamethrower from V.H.C. and points it at Raziel.
RAZIEL: (snicker) HA! You already know fire can't hurt me! Do your worst!
Mikoto unleashes a barrage of flame upon Raziel, burning him to a crisp. The vampire wraith is in disbelief and stands silently in place. His eyes (the only part of his body unscathed by the fire) blink with perplexity.
RAZIEL: That just-- That just doesn't make sense! I can walk through this bonfire right here and nothing happens! So why does that flamethrower hurt me? It's not fair, damn it!
MIKOTO: (to V.H.C.) You can have this back now.
Mikoto hands the flamethrower back to V.H.C.
VAMPIRE HUNTER C: So, about this slumber party…
RAZIEL: THERE IS NO SLUMBER PARTY!
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: But you said--
RAZIEL: You're really starting to piss me off.
VAMPIRE HUNTER C: Hey, we just want somewhere nice to sleep for a change.
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: Yeah! We've been stuck in this dump for five nights now! No one has saved us yet, that is, until you two showed up.
VAMPIRE HUNTER C: That's right! We had begun to think that our fellow hunters believed us to be dead!
RAZIEL: Is that so?
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: It's true!
RAZIEL: (deviously) Well, then… why don't we give your 'fellow hunters' a good reason to think you're dead.
MIKOTO: (suspiciously) Raz, what are you plotting?
RAZIEL: Oh, nothing… hehehe…
Raziel advances on the two hunters, cornering them. Using the wraith blade, he decapitates one. The headless body slumps to the ground as blood pumps from the stump that was once his neck. The second vampire hunter panicks.
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: Hey, man! What's the deal? V.H.A. said you were cool!
RAZIEL: Yeah? How nice of him. Too bad I killed him, huh?
Raz then charges up the blade and impales V.H.E. His body explodes on impact. Raziel calmly walks away from the carnage.
RAZIEL: Ah… I do so love springtime weather. The scent of fresh blood in the air… Human body parts raining down from the skies…
MIKOTO: (shaking head in disapproval) You are a sick, sick bastard…
RAZIEL: (with pride) I know.
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Hmm… Does eight pages sound long enough for a chapter? I think so. I was replaying the cathedral as I was typing this, and MAN! What a bitch the cathedral is! Well, I'll finish off Zephon's lair next chapter. For now, a few review responses!
ABBIL - *hands Abbil a cup of sugar mixed with a few drops of coffee and lines the floor around Abbil's chair with pillows* Breathe, child! Breathe! Okay, now you may continue laughing. Glad you find my story so funny!
AQUASWORD - I agree.. Ariel is a big pain. And she always talks in such riddles too. She needs to just spit out what she's saying. None of that encrypted B.S.
CABOOSE2814 - I'm glad you like the story so far. If I do another reviewer insertion chapter, I'll be sure to include you. I'll most likely do another one in the future. Don't know when yet, though. There are plenty of chapters left to do another on like chapter 6.
COAD - Uh, didn't mean to confuse ya with the Matrix references during last chapter. But it's all over with now. Glad you like the rest, though.
CORNCHILD - (formerly NINWHORE) Ya confused me for a moment with the name change. But it's cool. I like it. And I like my yellow sticker you gave me too! I shall wear it forever! ^_^
DARK-SEPHIROTH - The poke ball is a good idea. Perhaps I shall steal it. Sorry I confused you too. The Matrix bit was just a random insertion into the story. ^_^;;
KOMIKITTY - I don't know where that phrase originated. All I know is I learned it from my brother. He says it a lot. And I didn't really mean to make fun of Agent Smith. It was mostly a knock on Raz cuz he is really dumb and jumps to conclusions.
MARINA'S MIST - I'm glad you like my story. Go ahead and put me in your story. I look forward to reading it!
MORTAL SORA - More stupid vampire hunters for ya! I'm glad you think so highly of my parody! ^_^ And I have to agree with ya. The Elder God is a bigger pain in the ass than Ariel. The EG gets more annoying with each game, but Ariel gets uglier in each one. (Actually, she wasn't so bad in SR2.)
OMEGA XSABRE - Wow. I think you get the award for the longest reviews! (Not saying I don't like them! ^_^) Sorry if I don't respond to reviews every chapter. Just that my chapters are so long to begin with and adding responses to every chapter would make each chapter extremely long. But don't stop reviewing! I'll respond every few chapters or so.
PENNIEWISE - Yeah, the wraith blade pretty much sucked in this game. I always had another weapon with me. I was so dependant on carrying other weapons with me in this game, that in SR2, I hardly used the wraith blade either, even though it was much stronger in that game.
SEEDYDEEDEE - *gives Deedee a mouth guard to bite into* There, now you won't go biting yourself while trying not to laugh! I'm glad you find my story so funny. It's hard to tell if it's really funny or not, cuz I can't seem to laugh at my own jokes. (I may have said that before.)
TES AND KRYSTA - *places pillows around Tes' chair too* Yay! A new reviewer! I'm glad you think my story is funny! Seems I'm sending a lot of people falling out of their chairs from laughter. ^_^
TRELELA - *returns hug* I'm glad you like! And oops. Sorry I got your name wrong. I went with the way it appears in the reviews. Forgive me!
(And last but certainly not least…)
VLADIMIR'S ANGEL - I'm flattered that you think I'm so good at comedy. Like I said to Deedee, it's so hard for me to know if I'm funny, especially when writing a story. Unlike making jokes directly in front of other people, writing a comedy is harder cuz I don't get an instant response, so it's hard to tell what jokes are funny and what aren't. But everyone's feedback is very helpful. ^_^
Chapter Eight: The Silenced Cathedral
Last time we met, Raziel had somehow gotten transported into the Matrix, where he accused Agent Smith of being gay. This is not the case however, and a very upset agent is now chasing down a very stupid vampire wraith who does not realize he could very easily kick Smith's ass.
RAZIEL: I can? Oh, yeah… I CAN, can't I?
Raziel halts in his tracks and turns to face Smith.
AGENT SMITH: So you've finally decided to face your fate.
RAZIEL: And what would YOU know of my fate? I don't even know what my fate is yet… I have a feeling Mikoto knows something about it, and if she does, she seems to be hiding it from me…
AGENT SMITH: Come with me and I shall answer all your questions for you…
RAZIEL: Uh, okay.
Several minutes later, and several blocks away, Raziel and Smith are sitting at a table in a diner.
RAZIEL: I SO understand everything now! It's like, the blue pills are like "hey", and the red pills are like "ho" and it's like, ya mix 'em all together, and it's all "hey, ho! C'mon! hey, ho!" Hey, Smith-guy! This is some kick-ass brownie you gave me! Where'd you get it?
AGENT SMITH: I didn't give you a brownie…
RAZIEL: (looks down at the half-eaten brownie in his claws) Then where'd this come from?
At the next table over…
TRINITY: Do you think the brownie is gonna work?
MORPHEUS: Of course… we put enough pills in that thing, he should be waking up from the Matrix any second now.
TRINITY: Are you sure he's the one?
MORPHEUS: He has to be the one. He's the only one with free will, remember?
Back at Raz's table…
RAZIEL: (singing… badly) Hello, hello, hello… Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?
AGENT SMITH: (growing irritated) How much longer must I put up with this fool? I know those humans are trying to contact him…
Mikoto enters the diner and immediately spots Raziel at the table. She storms over and scolds Raz.
MIKOTO: THERE you are! How the hell did you get here? Do you know I've been looking everywhere for you? I searched most of Middle Earth for you, and you're HERE the entire time goofing around! What have you got to say for yourself?
RAZIEL: Mommy, why do you have three heads?
Mikoto gives Raz an odd look, then turns her attention to Smith.
MIKOTO: What have you done to him?
AGENT SMITH: I've done nothing. Your associate is a complete idiot.
MIKOTO: I know that! But he doesn't usually act this stupid! C'mon Raziel, you have a destiny to fulfill…
The PS controller reappears in Mikoto's hands. She very forcefully slams the plug into the back of Razzi's skull.
RAZIEL: That felt funny. Don't penetrate me like that again…
Mikoto's jaw drops at Raziel's unintentional remark. She tries to scold him, but she has been rendered speechless. So, she does the only other logical thing one would do in this situation… she resorts to physical violence. She picks a plate up off the table and slams it on Raz's head, shattering it in the process.
MIKOTO: And don't ever say anything like that again! Now let's go!
Mikoto clicks a few buttons on the controller, and the two fade out of the Matrix world.
At Trinity and Morpheus' table…
TRINITY: I don't think he was 'the One'. Somehow, I don't think a relationship would have worked out with that guy…
MORPHEUS: Yeah, uh… I knew he wasn't 'the One' the entire time… I was just, uh, testing you.. Yeah…
TRINITY: Ri-i-i-i-i-ight…
Back on Nosgoth (finally!), Raziel and Mikoto arrive in front of the steel gates of the Silent Cathedral. No longer in the Matrix world, the pills Raziel had ingested are no longer affecting him.
RAZIEL: Oh, but my head is killing me! I think I'm going through withdrawal!
MIKOTO: Deal with it, pill-popper. Now use the Reaver on that door so we can get in there.
RAZIEL: (sigh) Fine.
Raz walks up to the door, and uses the blade to unlock the door. The metal slabs slide open, to reveal bars blocking the path.
RAZIEL: What the crap! I opened the friggin' door, only to have friggin' bars block my path? What gives?
MIKOTO: Just hurry up and do your plane-shift-thing and get in there.
Raziel rolls his eyes (somehow) and does the 'plane-shift-thing'. On the other side of the gate, he returns to the physical realm. Unfortunately, he is met with a new breed of vampire: the children of Zephon.
RAZIEL: Oh, god! They're hideous! How did their limbs come to bend in such ways? Oh, dear lord! The monstrosity of it all!
ZEPHONIM #1: Uh, we're over here…
ZEPHONIM #2: Yeah, that's just a crack in the wall…
Raziel turns around and faces the true Zephonim.
RAZIEL: Oh, sorry about that-- Oh, god! You're hideous! Oh, my eyes! I'm gonna go back to looking at the crack in the wall!
ZEPHONIM #1: Dude, this CAN'T be the guy Lord Zephon said was coming to kill us. He's just way too stupid.
ZEPHONIM #2: Yeah, let's go. I've got better things to do, like rehearse for the lead role in Arachnophobia II.
ZEPHONIM #1: There's gonna be a sequel to that movie?
ZEPHONIM #2: Uh, I haven't heard anyone mention anything about it yet, but it's good to be prepared, just in case…
The two Zephonim leave. Raziel is in the middle of a one-sided conversation with the crack in the wall.
RAZIEL: I don't know… How many Zephonim DOES is take to screw in a light bulb? (momentary silence) None? Hahahahahahahaha! I don't get it…
Raziel moves onward and enters the big open area with all the silo-thingies. There's not really much interesting here, except a few annoying Zephonim crawling on the walls. Raziel makes his way to the top and enters the main cathedral. Inside, the air is still and stagnant. The pipes are quiet and covered in dust, having not been used in centuries.
RAZIEL: Once a testament to mankind's defiance of Kain's empire, this towering cathedral now stood derelict, the humans who worshipped here, centuries dead.
MIKOTO: (sarcastic) Yep, that's right, Razzy. No annoying humans here to 'bug' you. And you won't find any vampire-worshipping 'pests' here either. No siree!
RAZIEL: Good, cuz I just want to get through this cathedral a.s.a.p. This place is a dump. Its architects conceived this tower as a holy weapon against the vampire menace, a colossal instrument of brass and stone.
MIKOTO: They obviously should have done a better job building the place. Then perhaps the Zephonim wouldn't have been able to conquer the humans who had lived here.
RAZIEL: Indeed. The cathedral's pipes, once tuned to blast a deadly hymn, now stood silent, and these vacant spaces whistled their impotence.
MIKOTO: Perhaps the humans of the past shouldn't have relied upon Ricky Martin to kill off the vampires. Though his voice is deadly to vampires, his music attracted Moebius' attention and that old pervert just had to come along and kidnap him for his own sick reasons.
RAZIEL: That poor, poor soul. Even HE did not deserve that fate…
MIKOTO: Are you talking about Ricky, or Moebius?
RAZIEL: Does it matter? I think they are both suffering in each others' presence.
Centuries ago, in Nosgoth's past--
MIKOTO: Oh, hell no! We are NOT doing a flashback of THAT situation!
NARRATOR: Sorry.
MIKOTO: Well, Raz… seems like you've got some puzzles and such coming up. So I'll be outta here. See ya! (disappears)
And this is marks the beginning of Raziel's annoyance. At first, Raz is unsure how to proceed through the cathedral. Eventually, he realizes he must reach a platform high above. But it takes him even longer to realize that he must switch to spectral to get up there.
RAZIEL: (after falling off the too-steep pipe for the hundredth time) Damn it, narrator! If you knew how to do it all along, why didn't you tell me to begin with?
Yes, it was very amusing to watch Raziel repeatedly fail at such a simple task. He climbs the platforms, switching back to the material world, and enters the first door. The room is empty, except for a few annoying vampires and a switch on the wall.
RAZIEL: And conveniently, I am unable to flip said switch, I might add. I can jump up and reach the damn thing, but why is it I cannot move it, huh? It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Lara Croft can jump up and grab a switch! Why can't I? It's discrimination against the undead, I say!
After Razzi's bitch-fest, he continues towards the next room, flipping another switch along the way. In the second room, he is confronted by more spidey-vamps and a block puzzle.
RAZIEL: This doesn't look too hard. Just gotta match the pictures.
A half hour goes by and Raziel has placed 3 blocks in their correct places. Raz has one more block to place and discovers it goes in a slot up above the floor.
RAZIEL: Oh, bloody hell! What is with people and making puzzles and switches above floor level! Damn it! Now I have to undo most of what I've done just to get this friggin' block in there!
After an hour of block placing, Raziel returns to the first room, where a platform has extended from the wall. Flipping the switch, he returns to the larger chamber where there is now a strong air current flowing upwards. Raziel rides the jet stream to the next level up in the cathedral.
Raz finds himself in another large chamber. Through a door to his right, he enters an area surrounded by glass. He notices the two bells, and after a few tries he is able get them ringing simultaneously. One of the glass panels smash to pieces.
RAZIEL: Smashy! Smashy!
Raziel then ventures into a room and spectral realm/shifts through a gate, where another block puzzle awaits him.
RAZIEL: At least this time all the blocks slide into notches on ground level.
Three hours later, the puzzle is complete. Raziel continues towards the next room.
RAZIEL: And lo and behold! Another block puzzle! Damn it. This one's a little trickier.
Seventeen hours later, this puzzle is complete.
RAZIEL: Y'know, my arms are starting to get tired. And I'm also tired of those damn vampires dropping down on me every time I'm in the middle of placing a block. I'd kill 'em if I hadn't killed 'em already.
Returning the area encased in glass, Raziel pulls a crank lever which causes a section of wall to move, revealing a path. Razzi searches in vain for the secret path, but cannot find it. He returns to the crank, to find it in its original position.
RAZIEL: What the hell… Is someone playing pranks on me? I know I turned this! I'm not an idiot!
MIKOTO: No one touched it, Raziel.
RAZIEL: My ass no one's touched it. Levers don't just move on their own, y'know.
MIKOTO: It's on a timer dumb ass. You have to shift to the spectral realm where time doesn't exist. Then you can get to the passage before it closes again.
RAZIEL: You think you're so smart. I would've figured it out eventually.
MIKOTO: Yeah, well, the readers don't have time to wait for you to figure it out on your own.
RAZIEL: Whatever…
Raziel turns the crank again, this time switching to spectral. He finds the passage easily. He kills a few vampire worshippers.
RAZIEL: …that Mikoto 'promised' wouldn't be there…
MIKOTO: Don't you know sarcasm when you hear it?
Raziel follows some pipes up to a narrow path. He kills a Zephonim and proceeds to a small room where two vampire hunters have set up camp.
VAMPIRE HUNTER C: Hey, look! It's that blue guy V.H.A. told us about!
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: Yeah! How's it going, man? You here to kill the arachnid vampires now?
RAZIEL: No, I'm just here to invite Zephon to my upcoming slumber party.
VAMPIRE HUNTER C: Slumber party? Sweet! Can we come too?
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: Yeah! Yeah! I can bring stuff to make s'mores!
RAZIEL: Idiots… Wait a sec… What happened to Vampire Hunter D?
Mikoto slaps Raziel in the back of the head.
MIKOTO: Do you know nothing?
RAZIEL: What?
MIKOTO: Vampire Hunter D is already copyrighted to someone. I can't just go stealing a character created by someone else and throw them into a story.
RAZIEL: Uh… DUH! What the hell do you think you're doing right now???
MIKOTO: Shut up. Alright, fine. I can't have Vampire Hunter D in this story, cuz I don't know very much about him, okay? Jeez… Besides, he's probably cooler than you and he would steal the show from you. (sarcastic) And we wouldn't want THAT, now would we?
RAZIEL: (ignoring the insult) I see you're finally admitting your ignorance, Mikoto.
MIKOTO: (uber-angry) I'll show you ignorance.
Mikoto steals the flamethrower from V.H.C. and points it at Raziel.
RAZIEL: (snicker) HA! You already know fire can't hurt me! Do your worst!
Mikoto unleashes a barrage of flame upon Raziel, burning him to a crisp. The vampire wraith is in disbelief and stands silently in place. His eyes (the only part of his body unscathed by the fire) blink with perplexity.
RAZIEL: That just-- That just doesn't make sense! I can walk through this bonfire right here and nothing happens! So why does that flamethrower hurt me? It's not fair, damn it!
MIKOTO: (to V.H.C.) You can have this back now.
Mikoto hands the flamethrower back to V.H.C.
VAMPIRE HUNTER C: So, about this slumber party…
RAZIEL: THERE IS NO SLUMBER PARTY!
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: But you said--
RAZIEL: You're really starting to piss me off.
VAMPIRE HUNTER C: Hey, we just want somewhere nice to sleep for a change.
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: Yeah! We've been stuck in this dump for five nights now! No one has saved us yet, that is, until you two showed up.
VAMPIRE HUNTER C: That's right! We had begun to think that our fellow hunters believed us to be dead!
RAZIEL: Is that so?
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: It's true!
RAZIEL: (deviously) Well, then… why don't we give your 'fellow hunters' a good reason to think you're dead.
MIKOTO: (suspiciously) Raz, what are you plotting?
RAZIEL: Oh, nothing… hehehe…
Raziel advances on the two hunters, cornering them. Using the wraith blade, he decapitates one. The headless body slumps to the ground as blood pumps from the stump that was once his neck. The second vampire hunter panicks.
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: Hey, man! What's the deal? V.H.A. said you were cool!
RAZIEL: Yeah? How nice of him. Too bad I killed him, huh?
Raz then charges up the blade and impales V.H.E. His body explodes on impact. Raziel calmly walks away from the carnage.
RAZIEL: Ah… I do so love springtime weather. The scent of fresh blood in the air… Human body parts raining down from the skies…
MIKOTO: (shaking head in disapproval) You are a sick, sick bastard…
RAZIEL: (with pride) I know.
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Hmm… Does eight pages sound long enough for a chapter? I think so. I was replaying the cathedral as I was typing this, and MAN! What a bitch the cathedral is! Well, I'll finish off Zephon's lair next chapter. For now, a few review responses!
ABBIL - *hands Abbil a cup of sugar mixed with a few drops of coffee and lines the floor around Abbil's chair with pillows* Breathe, child! Breathe! Okay, now you may continue laughing. Glad you find my story so funny!
AQUASWORD - I agree.. Ariel is a big pain. And she always talks in such riddles too. She needs to just spit out what she's saying. None of that encrypted B.S.
CABOOSE2814 - I'm glad you like the story so far. If I do another reviewer insertion chapter, I'll be sure to include you. I'll most likely do another one in the future. Don't know when yet, though. There are plenty of chapters left to do another on like chapter 6.
COAD - Uh, didn't mean to confuse ya with the Matrix references during last chapter. But it's all over with now. Glad you like the rest, though.
CORNCHILD - (formerly NINWHORE) Ya confused me for a moment with the name change. But it's cool. I like it. And I like my yellow sticker you gave me too! I shall wear it forever! ^_^
DARK-SEPHIROTH - The poke ball is a good idea. Perhaps I shall steal it. Sorry I confused you too. The Matrix bit was just a random insertion into the story. ^_^;;
KOMIKITTY - I don't know where that phrase originated. All I know is I learned it from my brother. He says it a lot. And I didn't really mean to make fun of Agent Smith. It was mostly a knock on Raz cuz he is really dumb and jumps to conclusions.
MARINA'S MIST - I'm glad you like my story. Go ahead and put me in your story. I look forward to reading it!
MORTAL SORA - More stupid vampire hunters for ya! I'm glad you think so highly of my parody! ^_^ And I have to agree with ya. The Elder God is a bigger pain in the ass than Ariel. The EG gets more annoying with each game, but Ariel gets uglier in each one. (Actually, she wasn't so bad in SR2.)
OMEGA XSABRE - Wow. I think you get the award for the longest reviews! (Not saying I don't like them! ^_^) Sorry if I don't respond to reviews every chapter. Just that my chapters are so long to begin with and adding responses to every chapter would make each chapter extremely long. But don't stop reviewing! I'll respond every few chapters or so.
PENNIEWISE - Yeah, the wraith blade pretty much sucked in this game. I always had another weapon with me. I was so dependant on carrying other weapons with me in this game, that in SR2, I hardly used the wraith blade either, even though it was much stronger in that game.
SEEDYDEEDEE - *gives Deedee a mouth guard to bite into* There, now you won't go biting yourself while trying not to laugh! I'm glad you find my story so funny. It's hard to tell if it's really funny or not, cuz I can't seem to laugh at my own jokes. (I may have said that before.)
TES AND KRYSTA - *places pillows around Tes' chair too* Yay! A new reviewer! I'm glad you think my story is funny! Seems I'm sending a lot of people falling out of their chairs from laughter. ^_^
TRELELA - *returns hug* I'm glad you like! And oops. Sorry I got your name wrong. I went with the way it appears in the reviews. Forgive me!
(And last but certainly not least…)
VLADIMIR'S ANGEL - I'm flattered that you think I'm so good at comedy. Like I said to Deedee, it's so hard for me to know if I'm funny, especially when writing a story. Unlike making jokes directly in front of other people, writing a comedy is harder cuz I don't get an instant response, so it's hard to tell what jokes are funny and what aren't. But everyone's feedback is very helpful. ^_^