Authors Note- So here it is, chapter twenty two. I hope you all enjoy the chapter.
Chapter twenty two
I feel the burning pain floating through my body. My mind feels numb but the rest of my physical form is screaming out in protest. My lungs feel like they are filled with acid or fire with every breath I take. It hurts so much, I'd rather not breath. I can barely open my eyes, everything around me is blurred. I hear the rhythm tic beeping of machines and voices. I know nothing about where I am. I feel nothing of my body, my arms, my feet, my head, nothing listens, nothing responds. I feel a sharp pain against my chest, painful stimuli. My eyes water and cringe in protest, but my body repains immobile.
"Abby?... Abby?" I hear a familiar voice calling my name, but when I open my mouth to respond, I can't. The only thing I can do is lie here motionless, and even then teh pain still overcomes me. I hear the voice telling someone around me to push the morphine. Morphine for the pain. A few minutes and I should be gone. I want to be gone, to another world where I cannot feel all this pain. I start to open my eyes, and I can make out a mass of curls, I begin to feel again. Her soft skin against my hand.
"Abby? It's Elizabeth." I blink again, my eyes are so dry. The natural response to tears seems to have disappeared. I start to squint them, and finally moisture reaches, and comes out. I try to move my arm, I'm met with a jet of pain through my shoulder. I'm still stranded. A mind within a body. Am I paralysed? Will I ever walk, or move on my own again?
"Don't try to move just yet." I finally manage to make eye contact with Elizabeth and I see a look of relief and hope on her face.
"We were worried we almost lost you. You gave us a scare a few times." I try to breathe, a regular patter, but I hear the hum of the ventilator near me. I can't breathe and this isn't helping. It hurts so badly, I wish she would reduce the pressure. I give her a look, I'm praying she can figure out what I want.
"You have to stay on the vent for a few hours." I roll my eyes and she lets out an awkward little laugh.
"You broke three vertebrae in your back, so your not going anywhere for a while. You nicked your liver, bruised your stomach, and collapsed a lung. We ended up removing your spleen as well. You're on clotting agents right now for the bleeding. Transfusions every 12 hours. You also broke three ribs, fractured your tibia and radius. But all in all, you came out lucky." If she considers this lucky, then I'd like to know what she considers blessed. I should be dead. We've had patients come into the ER with less serious injuries and they died on the table. It's a miracle I'm still living, although I'm hooked up to a million machines and this pain is not subsiding. I feel Elizabeth release my hand and start to check the machines.
"I have a bowel resection, but I will be back to check up on you. Try to sleep, you need to rest. Do you want anything to help?"
I give her a pleading look and she smiles slightly. She shouts out an order at the nurse and I overhear her telling the nurse that if anything changes to page her, 911. I see the nurse inserting something through the IV and in a matter of seconds blackness begins to rule my world again.
~*~
I wake up with the sound of voices around me, and I quickly open my eyes, the only pathway I have. I hear my stats being called out. The doctors are debating whether to take me off the respirator or not. I wish they would. It's so painful. I'm not sure if they know who I am, but I understand what they are saying. The docs and nurses tend to stick to medical lingo around patients, in the hopes that they don't understand. I've just been called a miracle. I should be a vegetable. One of the doctors comes near me and he notices I am awake. He manages a small smile. I've never seen him before, he's probably the new attending the ICU was getting.
"Ms. Lockhart? We're going to check your resps on room air. We want to get you off the vent as soon as possible." I hear him count to three, treating me as an infidel. I've done this before myself. I've turned off ventilators of dying patients, I've watched brain dead patients dependence on the machine, I've worked with it almost every day of my life. I've turned the machine on, knowing it may never be turned off. It's all part of the job. It's now part of my present. My lungs suddenly are filled with air, and they have to remember how to do it on their own. The pain is unbearable for a minute, I'm left gasping, but finally it evens out. I'm light headed and can't see straight, but I'm breathing on my own. They are short, quick breaths, but they are delivering air to my body, and I don't' feel the forced pain from the vent.
"Okay, the tube's coming out." I take a deep breathe before he can say anything, and I think he realizes I know what's going on. He pulls the tube out and my lungs force out a cough. I can't breathe again. My lungs are ready to give up. I settle back down, and he motions the nurse to give me oxygen by mask.
"Don't try to talk just yet. Your larynx is going to be sore." They sign off on some charts and leave again. I look around the room, more alive this time. I've started to ignore the throbbing pain in my body. Local anaesthesia was probably pushed into my body by Elizabeth's orders. My neck is held stable with a soft collar, but I can still move it. I start to turn my head but when the surging pain rushes from my back to my neck, I give up. I'm going to be like this for a while.
I close my eyes in defeat. The only sounds that rule my surroundings are those of the beeping of machines and shoes against the linoleum floor. Everything works, it just hurts too much to try to do anything. I hear feet wandering towards me, but I refuse to open my eyes. A chair is pulled up, I can hear it from the squeak of the wheels. Someone takes my hand in theirs. I feel their warm breath against my skin, and the trickle of warm tears down my hand.
"I'm so sorry, Abby... I'm so sorry..." I want to pull my hand away from him, but I can't. I want to push him out of my life, but I can't. I want to forget all that happened to me, but I can't. So I just listen to him cry, the mixture of a hospital's soundtrack.
"I wish I was in your place. I'm the one that deserves to me lying here... I thought I would never love again... You know, after Becca. I was so afraid of being hurt again. And now I've hurt you, and its all my fault... I'm sorry..." His words die out and echo through the room. They stretch out and make more meaning. Becca. There is no possible way that it could have happened. No. I'm imagining everything. "... You.... you are the most beautiful... intelligent... strong person I have ever met... And you are the most screwed up, emotionally ravaged person. I wish I could get to know what's really inside of you... I want to know the real Abby... Not the one you want to pass off... The only thing I need for you is to let me in... just a little... I never thought I would say this to anyone else... I mean it's something that I never thought I would get over. My children don't have a mother... They have stories and pictures, a blurred concept... You've just... You've taken me places and gave me emotions I thought were dead... For a split second you have me a reason to keep going in this world... You'll make it through all this.. I know you will.. You are strong. I don't know if I would be able to make it without you..."
I can feel the tears forming under my eyelids but I can't let them go. There's still something holding me back, wanting to blame him for all the pain and suffering I'm going through. But I need to stop that. I've been given a second chance. I've been given a reason to go back, I know what I am capable of. I know my dreams. I know what I can do in this world. I want to do it all. I feel his parched lips against my hand, the little streams of tears sliding down my palm.
"... Please, Abby... Please make it... Don't leave me too."
My own tears make it down the sides of my face. I pray he doesn't notice, the room is dark, the lighting is barely there. He lets go of my hand and starts to stand up. I hear his shoes hit the floor and I'm tempted to cry out, make a noise, anything. But I don't. I don't know why I don't. But I don't. He's gone. I'm alone once again. For the first time, it actually hurts to be away from him. For the first time, I want someone next to me. For the first time, I think I feel truly alive.
~Preview~
"John," she says in a sing song voice. "Ever think to help?" A huge smile spreads over my face, I guess I couldn't expect to stand there forever. I would eventually get caught. Although if I could watch her forever, I would. She's so beautiful, she lights up a room, puts a smile on the kids faces. She's the most amazing, brilliant, beautiful woman I have ever met.
Chapter twenty two
I feel the burning pain floating through my body. My mind feels numb but the rest of my physical form is screaming out in protest. My lungs feel like they are filled with acid or fire with every breath I take. It hurts so much, I'd rather not breath. I can barely open my eyes, everything around me is blurred. I hear the rhythm tic beeping of machines and voices. I know nothing about where I am. I feel nothing of my body, my arms, my feet, my head, nothing listens, nothing responds. I feel a sharp pain against my chest, painful stimuli. My eyes water and cringe in protest, but my body repains immobile.
"Abby?... Abby?" I hear a familiar voice calling my name, but when I open my mouth to respond, I can't. The only thing I can do is lie here motionless, and even then teh pain still overcomes me. I hear the voice telling someone around me to push the morphine. Morphine for the pain. A few minutes and I should be gone. I want to be gone, to another world where I cannot feel all this pain. I start to open my eyes, and I can make out a mass of curls, I begin to feel again. Her soft skin against my hand.
"Abby? It's Elizabeth." I blink again, my eyes are so dry. The natural response to tears seems to have disappeared. I start to squint them, and finally moisture reaches, and comes out. I try to move my arm, I'm met with a jet of pain through my shoulder. I'm still stranded. A mind within a body. Am I paralysed? Will I ever walk, or move on my own again?
"Don't try to move just yet." I finally manage to make eye contact with Elizabeth and I see a look of relief and hope on her face.
"We were worried we almost lost you. You gave us a scare a few times." I try to breathe, a regular patter, but I hear the hum of the ventilator near me. I can't breathe and this isn't helping. It hurts so badly, I wish she would reduce the pressure. I give her a look, I'm praying she can figure out what I want.
"You have to stay on the vent for a few hours." I roll my eyes and she lets out an awkward little laugh.
"You broke three vertebrae in your back, so your not going anywhere for a while. You nicked your liver, bruised your stomach, and collapsed a lung. We ended up removing your spleen as well. You're on clotting agents right now for the bleeding. Transfusions every 12 hours. You also broke three ribs, fractured your tibia and radius. But all in all, you came out lucky." If she considers this lucky, then I'd like to know what she considers blessed. I should be dead. We've had patients come into the ER with less serious injuries and they died on the table. It's a miracle I'm still living, although I'm hooked up to a million machines and this pain is not subsiding. I feel Elizabeth release my hand and start to check the machines.
"I have a bowel resection, but I will be back to check up on you. Try to sleep, you need to rest. Do you want anything to help?"
I give her a pleading look and she smiles slightly. She shouts out an order at the nurse and I overhear her telling the nurse that if anything changes to page her, 911. I see the nurse inserting something through the IV and in a matter of seconds blackness begins to rule my world again.
~*~
I wake up with the sound of voices around me, and I quickly open my eyes, the only pathway I have. I hear my stats being called out. The doctors are debating whether to take me off the respirator or not. I wish they would. It's so painful. I'm not sure if they know who I am, but I understand what they are saying. The docs and nurses tend to stick to medical lingo around patients, in the hopes that they don't understand. I've just been called a miracle. I should be a vegetable. One of the doctors comes near me and he notices I am awake. He manages a small smile. I've never seen him before, he's probably the new attending the ICU was getting.
"Ms. Lockhart? We're going to check your resps on room air. We want to get you off the vent as soon as possible." I hear him count to three, treating me as an infidel. I've done this before myself. I've turned off ventilators of dying patients, I've watched brain dead patients dependence on the machine, I've worked with it almost every day of my life. I've turned the machine on, knowing it may never be turned off. It's all part of the job. It's now part of my present. My lungs suddenly are filled with air, and they have to remember how to do it on their own. The pain is unbearable for a minute, I'm left gasping, but finally it evens out. I'm light headed and can't see straight, but I'm breathing on my own. They are short, quick breaths, but they are delivering air to my body, and I don't' feel the forced pain from the vent.
"Okay, the tube's coming out." I take a deep breathe before he can say anything, and I think he realizes I know what's going on. He pulls the tube out and my lungs force out a cough. I can't breathe again. My lungs are ready to give up. I settle back down, and he motions the nurse to give me oxygen by mask.
"Don't try to talk just yet. Your larynx is going to be sore." They sign off on some charts and leave again. I look around the room, more alive this time. I've started to ignore the throbbing pain in my body. Local anaesthesia was probably pushed into my body by Elizabeth's orders. My neck is held stable with a soft collar, but I can still move it. I start to turn my head but when the surging pain rushes from my back to my neck, I give up. I'm going to be like this for a while.
I close my eyes in defeat. The only sounds that rule my surroundings are those of the beeping of machines and shoes against the linoleum floor. Everything works, it just hurts too much to try to do anything. I hear feet wandering towards me, but I refuse to open my eyes. A chair is pulled up, I can hear it from the squeak of the wheels. Someone takes my hand in theirs. I feel their warm breath against my skin, and the trickle of warm tears down my hand.
"I'm so sorry, Abby... I'm so sorry..." I want to pull my hand away from him, but I can't. I want to push him out of my life, but I can't. I want to forget all that happened to me, but I can't. So I just listen to him cry, the mixture of a hospital's soundtrack.
"I wish I was in your place. I'm the one that deserves to me lying here... I thought I would never love again... You know, after Becca. I was so afraid of being hurt again. And now I've hurt you, and its all my fault... I'm sorry..." His words die out and echo through the room. They stretch out and make more meaning. Becca. There is no possible way that it could have happened. No. I'm imagining everything. "... You.... you are the most beautiful... intelligent... strong person I have ever met... And you are the most screwed up, emotionally ravaged person. I wish I could get to know what's really inside of you... I want to know the real Abby... Not the one you want to pass off... The only thing I need for you is to let me in... just a little... I never thought I would say this to anyone else... I mean it's something that I never thought I would get over. My children don't have a mother... They have stories and pictures, a blurred concept... You've just... You've taken me places and gave me emotions I thought were dead... For a split second you have me a reason to keep going in this world... You'll make it through all this.. I know you will.. You are strong. I don't know if I would be able to make it without you..."
I can feel the tears forming under my eyelids but I can't let them go. There's still something holding me back, wanting to blame him for all the pain and suffering I'm going through. But I need to stop that. I've been given a second chance. I've been given a reason to go back, I know what I am capable of. I know my dreams. I know what I can do in this world. I want to do it all. I feel his parched lips against my hand, the little streams of tears sliding down my palm.
"... Please, Abby... Please make it... Don't leave me too."
My own tears make it down the sides of my face. I pray he doesn't notice, the room is dark, the lighting is barely there. He lets go of my hand and starts to stand up. I hear his shoes hit the floor and I'm tempted to cry out, make a noise, anything. But I don't. I don't know why I don't. But I don't. He's gone. I'm alone once again. For the first time, it actually hurts to be away from him. For the first time, I want someone next to me. For the first time, I think I feel truly alive.
~Preview~
"John," she says in a sing song voice. "Ever think to help?" A huge smile spreads over my face, I guess I couldn't expect to stand there forever. I would eventually get caught. Although if I could watch her forever, I would. She's so beautiful, she lights up a room, puts a smile on the kids faces. She's the most amazing, brilliant, beautiful woman I have ever met.