A Bloody… Parody? Soul Reaver
Chapter Nine: Not Quite to Zephon Yet
Having vanquished the life-threatening threat of the half-witted human duo, Raziel continues his trek upwards through the cathedral. He eventually finds another shaft with fans at the bottom, but they are not yet active.
RAZIEL: Of course not. Why should they be active? That would only make my quest far too easy.
Shifting through a gate, Raziel comes upon the first of two rooms where strange caps are placed over sections of pipe. A few vampire worshippers provide some irritation.
RAZIEL: Throw knives at me, will ya? I'll show you what for!
Raziel charges the reaver and impales the worshippers with them, blowing them up in the process.
RAZIEL: I could really get used to the satisfying feeling of blowing up stupid and irritating people.
Raziel lifts the caps off the pipes and continues to the next room, doing the same there. (And exterminating a few Zephonim in the process). He returns to the shaft and flips the ground switches. He floats upwards, landing at the foot of a narrow passageway. At the other end of the winding passageway, a small room opens up. Some platforms are attached to the walls in a few places, but most noticeable is the three pipes pointing up towards a shaft in the ceiling. Of course, more vampires await Raziel.
ZEPHONIM #3: Hey, it's that guy!
ZEPHONIM #4: What guy?
ZEPHONIM #3: That guy! The one over there! (points to Raz)
ZEPHONIM #4: Yeah… What about 'im?
ZEPHONIM #3: He helped me save 10% or more on my car insurance!
ZEPHONIM #4: No he didn't. You're thinking of that little green dude from the Geico commercials.
ZEPHONIM #3: Oh, yeah… Well, that guy DID kill those two vampire hunters downstairs.
ZEPHONIM #4: Yeah! He DID, didn't he? Do you think we should go congratulate him on a job well done?
ZEPHONIM #3: Yeah, sure! Why not? Hey blue-dude-- What the--! Where'd he go?
While the vampires were carrying on in their 'intellectual' conversation, Raziel had continued towards the next room. Large pipes line one side of the room while a very tall, yet strange instrument is located on the opposite side. Raziel hops down from his perch high above, and strides into the little alcove where a plane-portal awaits him. He shifts to material, to find himself standing behind two powerful Zephonim.
RAZIEL: (thinking) Oh, shit! Who's bright idea was it to stick me behind two assholes as soon as I shifted back?
In the Underworld, the Elder God snickers at Raziel's predicament. Back at the cathedral, Raziel realized that the Zephonim are sleeping.
RAZIEL: (under his breath) Slackers. Never would you have seen any of my children sleeping while on duty. Well… except for one; named Insomnia… Hmmm… I probably should've given her a better-suited name… (shrugs)
Raziel tiptoes past the two Zephonim, careful not to wake them. As he walks away from them, he suddenly stops and turns back, and gently places the claw of one Zephonim onto the bum of the second.
RAZIEL: Tee hee hee…
Raz turns the crank at the bottom of the giant "Phantom of the Opera"-looking organ, then proceeds. He enters a room, lined with a pipe, and a bell in the center.
RAZIEL: Ah, another of those annoying bells, eh? I suppose smacking this will open some passage like the others did… Stupid, predictable designers…
Raziel whacks the bell with the reaver, but instead of the expected result, two Zephonim burst out of cocoons and surround him.
ZEPHONIM #5: That bastard just woke us up!
ZEPHONIM #6: Let's get 'im!
RAZIEL: That just fuggin' figures… I don't have time for this. (points to far wall) Look! It's the guy from Terminix!
ZEPHONIM #5: Where?
ZEPHONIM #6: Let's get 'im!
With the vampires distracted, Raziel flees by climbing the pipe upwards. The vampires realize they have been duped.
ZEPHONIM #5: Stupid blue-guy! He tricked us!
ZEPHONIM #6: Let's get 'im!
ZEPHONIM #5: (annoyed) Dude, shut the hell up. I'm going back to sleep. It's too early in the day to deal with you…
ZEPHONIM #6: Let's get 'im!
Zephonim #5 flips out and impales Zephonim #6 with a letter opener.
ZEPHONIM #6: Ouchies! (dies)
ZEPHONIM #5: Ah, much better! Silence is golden! That's why I chose to move into the cathedral all those years ago…
Elsewhere, Raz makes his way to a little room that seems to be falling apart. He turns a second crank in that room and moves onward through a small corridor. This opens up to a huge room with many pipes overhead.
RAZIEL: What IS it with this place and pipes? They're everywhere!
MIKOTO: Duh, it's the cathedral… The entire building was designed as an instrument of death… Y'know, to rid Nosgoth of the vampire menace… Does any of this 'ring a bell' to you?
RAZIEL: I'm going to assume that isn't a mock of my earlier mistake…
Raziel climbs up the pipes, and turns the crank near the top. Then he carefully makes his way back down to where the section of pipe is separated from the rest.
RAZIEL: No wonder Zephon was able to take control of the cathedral. Those lazy humans never finished construction of the damn place!
MIKOTO: (while sitting on another section of pipe) Just hurry up and put it back together so we can move on…
Raziel is about to comply to Mikoto's request, when he notices two Zephonim on the ground beneath him, waiting for him to drop back down to floor level. And Raziel suddenly gets a wonderfully wicked idea.
RAZIEL: I suddenly had a wonderfully wicked idea!
Instead of placing the pipe in the correct place, Raziel knocks the piping over the side and down towards the ground. The vampires below realize all too late what fate they are about to suffer. CRASH!
ZEPHONIM #'s 7 and 8: Ouch… We're dead now…
RAZIEL: (admiring his handy work from above) You were right, Mikoto. This place IS an instrument of death!
MIKOTO: Raz, you are such an idiot!
RAZIEL: What? I did us a favor! Now we don't have to be bothered with killing those two when we leave!
MIKOTO: Did it ever occur to you that the pipe is uber-heavy? How do you suppose you are gonna get it back up there?
RAZIEL: Is it really THAT crucial that the pipe goes in the gap here? C'mon, it's just a pipe!
MIKOTO: Do you realize, that you won't be able to get to Zephon if you don't put the pipe in place?
RAZIEL: Nope. My motto is: Act now. Think later.
MIKOTO: (muttering) In your case, 'later' will never come… Well, there's only one person who can fix this problem.
RAZIEL: Who's that?
MIKOTO: (opening a plot hole in the wall) Kain.
Mikoto pulls Kain from the plot hole. He's got a strange, plastic toy strapped to his left arm, and in his right claw, he holds a deck of cards.
MIKOTO: NOW what junk are you obsessing over?
KAIN: Junk!!! This isn't junk! This is official Yu Gi Oh stuff! I've got all the cards, and this really cool portable duel thingy on my arm, and--
RAZIEL: Why did you bring him here, Mikoto?
MIKOTO: Because he's the only one with telekinesis who can put that pipe back up there!
RAZIEL: And what makes you think he'll help us? Last I recall, I was trying to kill him…
MIKOTO: Cuz he's not that bright. Just look at him. He's over a thousand years old and he thinks Pokemon and Yu Gi Oh are real.
KAIN: How dare you! They ARE real! Now you're gonna pay! It's time to d-d-d-d-duel!
RAZIEL: Oh, look! Stutter-boy is gonna fight you with his little kiddie cards!
KAIN: I don't stutter! And they're not kiddie cards! They're powerful devices used to summon monsters of great power!
RAZIEL: Prove it, then, Kain the annoying pain.
KAIN: Don't make fun of my name!!
RAZIEL: Kain, who's afraid of the rain…
KAIN: I'm warning you!
RAZIEL: …who's going insane…
KAIN: Last chance!
RAZIEL: …who has no brain…
KAIN: That's it!
Kain draws a card from his deck and places it on his plastic arm accessory.
KAIN: I summon the unholy power of… Turel!
Turel suddenly appears.
RAZIEL: (dumbfounded) You summoned Turel… Is that REALLY the best you can do?
KAIN: Get 'im, my loyal minion!
TUREL: I'm Batman!
RAZIEL: Right… And Zephon is Spiderman and Rahab is Aquaman.
MELCHIAH: Who do I get to be?
MIKOTO: You don't get to be anybody. You're supposed to be dead.
MELCHIAH: Oh yeah… (dies)
TUREL: (ignoring Raziel) Hey Mikoto, ya wanna see what's in my 'utility belt'?
MIKOTO: Pervert! You're outta here!
Mikoto drop-kicks Turel into the plot hole. She steps off camera and returns a moment later with an armful of boards, a hammer, and several nails. She then proceeds to board up the plot hole, hoping to have locked Turel inside forever.
MIKOTO: Well, that takes care of that! Now, onto more important matters… Kain, can you do me a favor?
KAIN: (pouting) I donno… Why should I after you banished my most powerful Yu-Gi-Oh creature?
MIKOTO: Um… I'll get you a stronger creature…
KAIN: Really?
MIKOTO: Yeah, sure. Now, can you use your telekinesis to put this pipe in its correct place?
KAIN: pffft… Of course I can! What would make you doubt my awesome power?
Raziel opens his mouth to unleash another insult, but Mikoto cuts him off.
MIKOTO: Don't Raziel. If you piss him off again, he won't do my bidding. And you want to get to Zephon, right?
RAZIEL: I suppose… But it's so much more fun to harass the hell out of him.
Kain easily places the pipe in place. He runs over to Mikoto to receive payment for his services.
KAIN: So where's this new creature you promised me?
MIKOTO: ; Uh… I put it at the bottom of the Oracle's Caves. Yeah, that's it! Why don't you go there and get it?
KAIN: All the way over there? It's gonna take me a week to get there! (sigh) Alright. But it better be worth it! (teleports away)
MIKOTO: Whew, that was easy…
RAZIEL: Is there REALLY an uber-strong monster waiting for him there?
MIKOTO: Uh, no…
RAZIEL: You know he's gonna be pissed once he's found that out, don't you?
MIKOTO: Bah! Once he gets there, he'll have long forgotten why he went down there in the first place. Don't worry, I've got it all under control.
RAZIEL: You DO realize that there's time streaming devices down there don't you? Once he gets his curious little claws on those machines, all hell is gonna break loose…
MIKOTO: Aw crap…
Flash Forward to one week later…
Kain has finally reached the bottom of the Chronoplast. He has long since forgotten about the creature Mikoto had promised him. He looks up at the devices inside the chamber, his eyes grow wide with curiosity. He playfully skips over to a panel with many mechanisms on it and stares at it in awe.
KAIN: Oooh! What does this button do?
Kain presses the shiny little button. Machines whirl to life and Kain is as giddy as a school child in front of a candy store… or a street bum with $20 standing in front of a liquor store… or a priest who just arrived at his new job at an all boys Catholic school… or--
MIKOTO: Hey! Hey! Enough with the comparisons! You're starting to go a little too far here!
NARRATOR: Sorry… ;
Back in the present time…
MIKOTO: Well, Raziel, you've got two more pipes to put into place. That shouldn't be too hard. So you go do that and I'll meet you upstairs.
RAZIEL: Wait a second… How are you gonna get up there?
MIKOTO: Simple… I'll take the elevator.
RAZIEL: Why can't I take the elevator?
MIKOTO: Because you can't.
RAZIEL: (sarcastic) Ah, yes… That would be too easy now, wouldn't it?
MIKOTO: Indeed. Well, I'll see ya in a little bit. (disappears)
RAZIEL: Well, at least she's out of my hair for now.
Raziel leaves the room and backtracks through the Cathedral, looking for the two pipes along the way. He works his way past the room with the giant organ thing and arrives back at the room below Zephon's chamber, where the three pipes end below the air shaft. He has still yet to find the misplaced pipes.
RAZIEL: Bloody hell! I have to retrace my steps even further? If there truly is a hell, this place would be it!
Leaving this room, he returns to the previous air shaft. He spots the first of the two misplaced pipes.
RAZIEL: Damn it! It was here the entire time? If I'd have known I was gonna have to knock that thing down, I would've done it the first time I came through here! Who designed this place anyway? Do they know how annoying this place is to get through?
Raziel finally stops whining and knocks the pipe into place. He sets off to find the third one. He travels from room to room searching for the third pipe, but cannot seem to find it.
Two hours later…
RAZIEL: (muttering) …stupid, damn, piece of shit pipe… Where the hell is it?
Six hours later…
Raziel is reading from the official "Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver" strategy guide.
RAZIEL: (confused) This doesn't make any sense! Who the hell writes this crap? I'm better off looking for it on my own!
Thirty-four hours later…
RAZIEL: That's it! I can't take this anymore! There has to be some sort of glitch somewhere! I'm gonna have to start from the beginning and retrace my steps!
Game Paused
SAVE GAME
Select Game File
SOUL REAVER A
Reading Memory Card. Please Wait… Do You Wish to Overwrite Data?
YES
Saving to Memory Card. Please Do Not Turn Off Console or Remove Memory Card… Game Saved.
CONTINUE
Game Paused
EXIT GAME
Do You Really Wish to Quit?
YES
Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver Start Menu
START GAME
Please Select File
SOUL REAVER A
Please Wait…
RAZIEL: Ah crap! I have to start back at the Underworld? What the hell is this shit?
ELDER GOD: Seek out Zephon's lair, Raziel… beyond the ruins that greet--
RAZIEL: I KNOW! Damn it, it's only been 30 seconds since I was last in the Cathedral!
Raziel leaves the bottom of the abyss, making his way through the Underworld, and back to the Cathedral. He climbs his way back to the top. He reaches the second air shaft and floats to the top. As he does so, he immediately notices the remaining dislocated pipe… just above the second one he had put into place.
RAZIEL: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT! I went through all that for nothing!
He lands on the pipe and storms over to it, slamming it into place.
RAZIEL: Now I'll finally get to that cockroach and beat him into a bloody pulp for all the hell he's put me through!
Raz returns to the room where the three pipes end. He climbs up to the pipes, and uses the current to rise up through the narrow passage. He finds himself in an uber-icky tunnel that is lined with spider-webbing. Raziel makes his way through the corridor. At the end, Zephon's chamber awaits him.
As I post this chapter, I feel I should tell you that I already have the next chapter done. I had originally planned on ending chapter 9 with Zephon's defeat. However, that ended up being 16 pages long. So, I decided to split the chapter into 2 parts. After I proof read the battle with Zephon, I shall post it. Probably within a day or two.
Also, when writing this chapter, I replayed the cathedral. Holy crap, was it ever annoying. The section of this chapter involving the puzzle with the pipes is based upon my difficulty trying to solve it. And the whole 'starting from the beginning' thing… I really did that to try to figure it out. I was uber-ticked when I found that last pipe… : (
Next time, the fight against Zephon! I promise! Oh yeah… And thanks for reading and reviewing!