A Bloody… Parody? Soul Reaver
Chapter Ten: Zephon, At Last
Raziel steps into Zephon's chamber. At the far end of the vast room, he finds Zephon and Mikoto waiting for him. As Raz approaches, they don't immediately take notice to his presence. They are far too busy crocheting little baby clothing.
RAZIEL: Ahem!
MIKOTO: Oh, Raziel! You're finally here! We were wondering when you'd arrive! Look! Isn't this cute?
Mikoto hold ups the sweater she's been working on. It's baby blue and has six sleeves.
RAZIEL: Why are you making these?
MIKOTO: Cuz Zephon's gonna be a mommy and I'm gonna be an auntie!
RAZIEL: But Zephon is a guy. At least he was when he was a lieutenant…
Zephon finally notices Raziel.
ZEPHON: Ah… The prodigal son… There is no returning for you, Raziel.
RAZIEL: Zephon, your visage becomes you… It's an appropriate reflection of your soul…
ZEPHON: How dare you insult me like that! Unlike you, I have gotten in touch with my feminine side.
RAZIEL: You've still become a hideous beast.
ZEPHON: …and you are not His handsome Raziel anymore. His precious first-born son, turned betrayer. You have missed so many changes, little Raziel.
RAZIEL: (muttering) Thank god…
EG: You're welcome.
RAZIEL: Shut up.
ZEPHON: Look around you. See how the humans' weapon of destruction has become my home… Indeed, my BODY. A cocoon of brick and granite from which to watch a pupating world…
RAZIEL: A CREVICE in which to cower, only scuttling from the shadows to devour a victim already ensnared in your cowardly trap. But you've made the mistake of leaving me unbound, and it is YOU who must succumb to MY will.
ZEPHON: Will… instinct… reflex action… the insect mind finds little difference. I warn you, brother - as my stature has grown, so it is matched by my appetite.
MIKOTO: Yeah, he's gotta eat for 2000 now.
ZEPHON: Step forward, morsel…
Raziel charges towards Zephon, but before he has a chance to strike the giant insect-like vampire, Zephon unleashes a pain-ridden howl.
RAZIEL: What a wuss… I haven't even touched him yet!
MIKOTO: No! Zephon is going into labor! He's gonna have his babies!
RAZIEL: Ew… I don't wanna stick around for this. Call me when it's over.
Raziel turns to leave. As he takes a step, he is suddenly buried by a tital wave of 2000 insect eggs covered in slime.
RAZIEL: This is the most disgusting moment of all my lives…
MIKOTO: Congratulation, Zephon! What are you gonna name them?
ZEPHON: Zephon Jr.
MIKOTO: And what about the rest?
ZEPHON: Zephon Jr.
MIKOTO: I know… You already said that. But what are you gonna name the rest of the babies?
ZEPHON: I already told you… They're all gonna be named Zephon Jr.
MIKOTO: Okay…
RAZIEL: Oh, Zephon!
ZEPHON: What?
Zephon looks up to Raziel, who has escaped from the gooey mass of vampire eggs. In each hand, Raziel has an egg, both engulfed in flame.
ZEPHON: MY BABIES!!!
Raziel hurls the two eggs at Zephon. The giant insect-vampire releases a horrific screech, caused by both the pain of the injuries inflicted upon him and the anguish over the loss of two of his babies. The scream reverberates throughout the chamber. Raziel and Mikoto cover their ears from the deafening noise.
MIKOTO: (trying to talk over the noise) I don't think you should have done that Raziel!
RAZIEL: No shit!
Zephon's howling dies down. Suddenly, the pile of Zephon Jr. eggs begins to tremble. One by one, the eggs slowly open. Small limbs can be seen trying to pry their ways out from the eggs. Raziel's eyes widen with fear as a realization sets in.
RAZIEL: Holy shit! They're face-huggers!
The first of the face-huggers emerge from their eggs. Raziel quickly grabs the flamethrower from the dead vampire hunter at the entrance of the chamber. He unleashes the flamethrower at full flame upon the huge pile of alien-insect-vampire eggs.
RAZIEL: Take that you bastards!
Zephon screams in rage as his children are incinerated. However, a few of the face-huggers escape the fiery wrath. A dozen face-huggers sneak around behind Raziel and attack him. In a panic, Raziel drops the flamethrower and runs around the room, flailing his arms around, as the face-huggers attach to his face and body.
RAZIEL: AAAAUUUGGHH! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!
While Raziel runs around comically, Mikoto notices a stray face-hugger in the corner.
MIKOTO: Aw, poor little guy… All the commotion has scared him… Don't worry, Auntie Mikoto is here to make you feel safe…
Mikoto approaches the tiny face-hugger in an effort to comfort it. Meanwhile, Raziel has run blindly into a wall while trying to shake off the parasites attached to him. Using his claws, he is able to tear the little buggers off of him, but he is still having difficulty with the one attached to his face. Feeling the ground around him, Raziel finds a spear.
RAZIEL: I'll get you, you little shit!
Raziel thrusts the spear at the face-hugger. The little alien dodges at the last moment and Raziel has inadvertently stabbed himself.
RAZIEL: AAUGH! My eye! It's ruined! I'm gonna kill you for that!
Raziel removes the spear from his eye and grabs the face-hugger by the tail. He skewers the alien. With the little alien writhing at the end of the spear, Raziel holds it over the mass of burning eggs. The alien is slowly cooked alive. Zephon is none too happy about this.
ZEPHON: My children! You've killed them!
RAZIEL: And now I'm gonna kill you too!
Raziel reclaims the flamethrower, and aims it at Zephon.
RAZIEL: See you in hell, bitch!
Razzy-boy fires the flamethrower, full blast at Zephon. The insect goes up in flames like a marshmallow thrown into a campfire.
ZEPHON: IT BUUURRRRNNNSSS!!!
RAZIEL: Oh, sorry about that! Here! Use this to put out the fire!
Raz opens a plot hole, and pulls out an Olympic sized swimming pool.
ZEPHON: Hey, how did you get Mikoto's authoress powers?
RAZIEL: There's no time to explain that now! Hurry up and jump in there before you burn to death!
ZEPHON: Oh yeah…
Somehow, Zephon manages to detach himself from the walls and does a giant cannonball into the swimming pool. It is then, that he realizes his fatal mistake…
ZEPHON: AAUUGGGHH!!! IT BUUURRNNSS!!! AND I'M MELTING! Melting! Melting… Oh, what a world… what a world…
Zephon dies. His soul leaves his body, and it gathers in the air overhead. Raziel rises up into the air again, similar to when he absorbed Melchiah's soul.
RAZIEL: (looking at the floor beneath him) Oh, no… Not this again…
The soul is suddenly drawn into Razzy's body. Waves of electricity flow in and around him. When the soul is completely absorbed, Raziel is seemingly released and falls back down to the ground.
RAZIEL: That hurts so FUCKING much!!! Why did that have to happen again?
EG: Consuming Zephon's apostate soul has bestowed on you a new gift.
RAZIEL: I REALLY hope the gift isn't the ability to give birth!
EG: No! You won't give birth like Zephon did! Like his vampire spawn, you are able to scale certain walls which are otherwise impassable - but only in the physical realm. In the spirit world, these insubstantial edifices will not support you.
RAZIEL: And why does THAT not surprise me? I'm already a weak bastard in the spectral realm. Why not cut off my manhood while you're at it?
EG: Er… Uh… If I were you, I wouldn't look down…
RAZIEL: Why not? (looks down) AAUUGGHHH!!! You bastard! How could you!
EG: What? I can't hear you! I think you're breaking up! I'll call you back later! (beep)
RAZIEL: Damn shitty cell phones. Wait a sec- He doesn't have a cell phone! That bastard tricked me! God damn it! C'mon, Mikoto! Let's get out of here! Mikoto?
Raziel turns and surveys the room, looking for Mikoto. He sees her in the shadows in the far corner of the room with her back to him.
RAZIEL: Mikoto?
Raz approaches her, but she does not move. She does nothing to indicate that she has heard him. As he gets closer, he can see the legs of a face-hugger moving along the sides of her head.
RAZIEL: (concerned) Mikoto? Are you--?
He waits for a moment, and watches for any reaction. There is none. The concerned look on Razzi's face slowly fades, and is replaced with a deviously delighted grin.
RAZIEL: HURRAY! I'm free from Mikoto's insanity forever! Meeheheheheheheheheehe!
Raziel bounds around the room, ecstatic that Mikoto has finally met her fate. After several moments, he calms down and approaches Mikoto once more.
RAZIEL: Oh, this is the most perfect day of my un-un-life! I just have to witness Mikoto's suffering face to face!
Raz reaches over to turn Mikoto around, when suddenly she jumps up, startling the reaver of souls.
RAZIEL: AAUUUGGGHHH!!
MIKOTO: Oh, sorry, Razzi! Didn't mean to scare ya. Look at my new pet! Isn't he so cute?
Mikoto holds up the face-hugger for Raziel to see. The little alien squirms fearfully, desperately attempting to free itself from Mikoto's death grip. Raziel takes in the situation, and is horribly disappointed that Mikoto shall not be dying any time soon.
RAZIEL: Get that thing away from me.
MIKOTO: (pouts) You're so mean. You've gone and made Alfonso sad…
RAZIEL: You named him Alfonso…?
MIKOTO: Yep!
RAZIEL: C'mon… Let's just get out of here.
Raziel and Mikoto (with Alfonso in tow) leave Zephon's chamber. Right on cue, the Elder God gives his next instructions.
EG: In the mountains beyond the Pillars, Nosgoth's cataclysms expose an ancient blasphemy. Having devoured Zephon's soul, you may now progress where your path was hitherto impeded.
RAZIEL: Damn it! I have to go through that damn Sanctuary AGAIN!? I am really sick of being used like a frickin' yo-yo! (to Mikoto) Will you cut that out?
MIKOTO: (ignoring Raz, cuddling Alfonso) Who's my cute li'l Alfonso? That's right! You're my cute li'l guy! Yes you are!
RAZIEL: Somebody PLEASE put me out of my misery!?
See? I kept my promise! Zephon is no more! Thanks for all the reviews! I've noticed that a few questions have popped up a few times in a couple of reviews, so here's a mini Q&A:
Are you going to write another chapter that includes the reviewers?
Yes. I'm planning on it. But it won't be for a few more chapters yet. Just wait for it. I promise you'll enjoy it.
Do you plan on writing a sequel to "The Soul Reaver and Spirit Shield"?
No. I once considered writing a one shot based on it, but decided against it. I've chosen to leave the story as it is.
Do you plan on continuing "A Bloody Paradox"?
I have no clue. I hit a writer's block with that story. Just kind of ran out of plot ideas. That is why I decided to write this parody. The story is already written… I can just "take the piss" out of every aspect of it. (Please don't sue me for that comment, Crystal Dynamics…)
Do you plan on writing a parody of Soul Reaver 2?
I'm considering it. If I haven't run out of ideas by the time this parody is complete, then perhaps I shall. We'll just see when that time comes, I guess…