No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be faded to telling only lies
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscious seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like I do, and I blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain woe
Can show through
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscious seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscious seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.
Limp Bizkit –"Behind Blue Eyes"
Being out in the sun made Cammy feel refreshed, the light shone down on her shoulders as if it were shining just for her. It wasn't. She watched as Wagner came around the track at the Air Force outdoor sport complex, traveling at lightning speed. He had sweat running down his bare chest and she knew he was hot in the Air Force fatigue pants. It looked as thought it was his last lap. He spotted her and waved as he headed her way.
"Hey Cammy! You feel good to be outside today and not cooped up?"
"Yeah. I feel great."
He grabbed a towel from a nearby bench and wiped the sweat from his body. His midnight blue eyes sparkled in the light. She loved him so much. Never had a man been there for her through everything. Her brother in everyway but blood, she couldn't have asked for anything more. That's why she was here first. Wagner had to be the first to know. He interrupted her thoughts as they both sat down on the bench.
"You look serious, what's going on?"
"I did a lot of thinking. I really did. But once I made the decision I knew it was the right one."
Wagner probably already knew what she was talking about, but he let her continue.
"We had the shit end of almost everything; I've realized that I have to stop it from happening to someone else, if I can. Who's going to make the world safe for our kids?"
Wagner grabbed her hand.
"We are. Why do you think I joined the Air Force? Sure, at first it was just for an admiration of Guile, something for us to bond over. But as I went on I learned what it truly was for. Delta Red is your Air Force, your chance to do your part. The moment Colonel Wolfman asked you to join I knew you would. I knew it was only a matter of time."
Cammy embraced Wagner. He hugged her back as she spoke.
"I just knew you'd understand. Now I just have to tell Guile."
"He'll understand too. It'll be a harder time convincing him, but he loves you."
"I don't know what I would have done without you in my life."
"Same here, I love you sis."
"I love you."
The two walked from the track together. When Cammy headed for her car rather than Guile's office Wagner questioned her.
"Where are you going?"
"I have one more stop to make before I speak with Guile."
He nodded and waved goodbye to her.
--
Cammy made her way down the dark, dirty hall of the prison complex. While she had been here before, this was a part of the prison she didn't think she'd ever see. Hidden deep in the basement, solitary confinement was the last place anyone would want to be. But it was where Julian was, all because of her. Her weakness had begun a chain of events leading to the death of Julian's son, Dorian. It was all spelled out in the files Wolfman retrieved from the fallen Shadowlaw base. Young Dorian, who was the same age as Melissa, was killed because Julian had helped her in infiltrating Shadowlaw's base. Since finding out from his father, now a month later, Julian's sanity had been failing. Restrained in solitary confinement for the attempted murder of his father, Julian was falling apart with grief and pain. Tightly gripped in her palm was the proof given to Bison of Dorian's death. It was rightfully Julian's. She lightened her grip on the small package as a guard led her to one of the many cell doors. He spoke.
"We aren't supposed to open the doors ever. I don't even have a key. You'll have to talk through here."
He pointed to the equivalent of a mail slot, which Cammy guessed was used for food. Cammy nodded as the guard left. She knelt on the floor and slid the slot sideways before she spoke softly.
"Julian?"
She heard some noises from within the cell then Julian's gruff voice, speaking quickly.
"Yeah, yeah…I'm here. Who's that?"
"It's Cammy."
"Cammy, girl, what are you doing in this hell hole? I wasn't sure you were alright. Did you save your sister and Ken's wife? They got me totally in the dark here, you know."
She wanted to pour out her heart, to tell him how sorry she was about his son. But instead she kept it simple, trying not to be overemotional.
"It's all over Julian, I killed him."
"Him? What are you talking about...you mean Vega?"
"Yes."
She put her hand through the slot, urging Julian to take the package.
"Here, it—it was your son's."
"You know about him?"
"Yes, I—I'm so sorry."
"It's not your fault."
Julian took the small package from her hand. He had said it wasn't her fault, but Cammy couldn't help but feel it was. She started to pull her hand away but Julian grabbed it quickly. She gasped but was calmed when she felt his fingers loop through her own. He spoke.
"I'm scared here. It's so lonely, especially in solitary. I've been here a month and it feels like forever. I guess that's what loneliness is. It has everything and nothing to do with Dorian."
"If I would have known Julian, it's just he, Bison, was playing mind games and I—I gave in. I swear if I would have had any idea of—"
Julian cut her off with his voice as he squeezed her hand tighter.
"I know, I know, girl. I don't blame you. Don't worry about it again. I'm okay, it's like when you feel dead inside, even bad feelings let you know you're alive."
Cammy was holding back tears. She knew what it felt like to lose someone. Enough time had passed that she couldn't remember the sound of her father's voice, or the smell of her mother's hair. Her father's sacrifice had been wanting to know his daughter, to be in her life. Julian could never do that for Dorian. Just the thought made the tears fall from her eyes. Julian continued.
"I'm so tired, I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of the walls, the lies, the fear, the death. It's killing me, it really is."
"Don't talk like that. Please Julian, you of all people can't talk like that. Look what's in the package."
Julian released her hand and she heard the crinkling of paper. He was silent before her took hold of Cammy's hand again and spoke.
"It's a crucifix."
Cammy smiled.
"It was with Dorian when—when he died."
"Knowing that makes me happy….Cammy?"
"Yes?"
"I really do love you."
"Julian, I—"
"Don't take it as anything more than me just saying it. Everything has always been fucked up for me. Why not love someone it makes no sense to be with?"
"You think you love me because you've never known anything else."
"Maybe. Just don't worry about it girl. Don't give it a second thought. A guy gets horney in here you know."
He laughed, it sounded forced, half-hearted, before he kissed her hand and spoke again.
"I dreamed last night. I was still in New York. I had a job, a wife, a family, you know, a life…"
"And?"
"And it was nice."
"I've had that dream before too."
The guard came behind Cammy and tapped on her shoulder as he spoke.
"Time's up."
She nodded and spoke.
"Julian I have to go now. I won't be able to come again for a while."
"Wait! Why?"
"I'm going back to London. Can you believe I got a job working for MI-6? I'm going to be able to work towards the end of Shadowlaw. You'll be okay; if anyone has faith it's you."
She started to pull her hand away, but he held it tighter as he begged.
"Cammy, wait! Let me see your face, so I'll know you really were here and it wasn't a dream."
She leaned down and placed her eyes even with the slot. She saw his cerulean blue eyes staring back at her. She spoke again.
"Take care, Julian. I'll make them pay for the both of us."
"Bye girl."
He loosened his grip and Cammy rose from the floor and began walking away. Though he had asked her not to, Cammy thought back on what he said and whispered to herself.
"…I love you too, Julian."
--
"Guile, please understand. This is just what I've needed in my life. They'll be meaning now, a purpose."
"You don't have purpose here?"
Cammy sat across from Guile who was seated at his desk at the Air Force base. She'd been out of the hospital for two days now, and after speaking to Julian, had realized that she'd better tell Guile her decision. He deserved it.
"I'm not saying that at all. I love you all with all of my heart. But I have to do something."
"Being happy and content isn't enough?"
"It is, but at the same time it isn't. I should be fighting; it's the right thing to do. I have the power now, and I should be helping those who don't. I've been powerless before and if there weren't people in the world willing to help I wouldn't be here right now."
Guile looked out the window before speaking quietly.
"You sound just like him."
"Like who?"
"Charlie. He always got this way. He was fearless in a sort of way. Except when it came to you. Don't you see? I told him I would always watch out for you."
"You can still do that Guile. Just let me be who I am and support my decision."
"So you're decided then?"
"Yeah, I leave in five more days."
He put his head in his hands as he sighed loudly. There was a long moment of silence before he spoke again.
"You know I can't stop you."
She nodded as he continued.
"I can tell you that while I'll constantly be worrying about you, I know that if anyone can do this, it's you."
Cammy smiled. Guile stood and walked around his desk. Small smile lines formed around his bright blue eyes. He pulled Cammy into a tight hug as he spoke.
"I'm going to miss you so much Cam. I know your Dad is proud."
"I hope you are proud of me."
--